So, this whole corona virus has everyone in an uproar. Yesterday, I got into a fight with someone, which got me to thinking…& not the good kind of thinking either. Got me telling myself that I am a bad person, I am a fuck up, that I just can’t seem to do anything right, that I’m not worth a goddamned thing. And, all right before my birthday, thank you very much. As if I didn’t need a reminder at a better time. Then, today, that person asks what I’m doing for my birthday…after making me feel like crap for going outside & possibly bringing the coronavirus to someone at risk who I’d NEVER want to give it to. And, really? With all this going on, what can we POSSIBLY do for my birthday? The only real option would be to do our usual, which wasn’t planned & therefore, we don’t have anything we need, so looks like its postponed…or forgotten in the mix all together.
I’ve gone my whole life with most people remembering my birthday, & a very few who didn’t remember (& those few are the 1’s who fucked me up over & over again, & have made me feel less than inferior). Those few who didn’t/haven’t remembered shouldn’t matter to me one bit, but somehow, they have this power over me that it DOES matter to me. I’ve tried SO hard my whole life to try to get them notice me, to give me a pat on the back, & they never took notice. It is so hard to just let that go & not affect me, because now anything that happens, I automatically blame me, even if I’m not involved. Or like with my last ex (or should I say 2?), & my ex-friend…they both had issues not related to me, & both chose to take me out of their lives with next to no explanation. I am over here, beating myself up over it because I wasn’t the ‘perfect’ girlfriend, ‘perfect’ friend to them, so therefore, its all my fault that I wasn’t better. On one hand, I’m tired of always feeling like I’m always to blame for everything, but then I wonder how everyone else sees me? For example, if my ex, who claimed to love me, or a best friend, who claimed to always be there for me & love me like a sister, could both dump me so fast, & not be the least bit sad about it, & a few days later, be laughing with each other right in front of me….what does that say about me? They must not have cared for me at all, so they duped me, which makes me think that I am not worth a darned thing. I guess, after a year, I should be feeling better, & most of the time I do. But there’s those times, like now, where I am floundering, where I am questioning everything, & everyone…And I take what is probably a harsher look at myself then what a lot of people think is healthy. I want to be around for my nephews, I want to be a good person, I want so much for myself, but I feel like I’m not good enough, like I don’t deserve anything good, let alone what I want. I feel like I am damaged goods, I have nothing going for me, I’m not pretty, I am awkward, overweight, who would or could ever like or love that? I wonder why people are friends with me? What do they see when they look at me? What good do they see in me? When I look at myself, I see flaws, I know I am overweight, by society standards, I am ugly-I am overweight, & just plain un-pretty. I really relate to the TLC song ‘Unpretty’.
I am not one of those people who takes things for granted, I know I have good things in my life. For a little over a year, I had a great man, I knew it & I was thankful for it every damned day! And where did that get me? I had one more best friend, & she had personnal issues & shut me out, & now I have lost her too. I am feeling 2 losses to 2 people I was very close with, & both of them happened at the same time. Most of the time, I’m ok, happy even. But other times, like now, I really feel it, I really feel the losses & the distances. And I wonder how I’ve survived this? I feel like the world is trying to push me down, but I keep on getting up, I can’t quit.
Broken-Hearts-Ville 
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