Archive | January, 2013

Doing the right thing…?

27 Jan

At some point, you have to ask yourself if you’re doing the right thing? Then, what are you basing it on? Te right thing for you? The right thing for the greater good of the people around you? Then, how about those proverbial questions about god, like is there a god above? Is he listening to me? Why me? This is more than I can handle, am I being punished for something?

I have asked myself these questions many times since yesterday morning. I received a call yesterday morning from the doctor who is going to do my surgery. My immediate thought was it was to confirm my surgery date & time etc. I was soo wrong. It was the scheduler asking if I could reschedule the surgery. Apparently a cancer patient was transferred down there & the doctor had to do some kind of surgery for him/her on Tuesday morning. I immediately said yes, because I have a heart, & I have faith that someone else will go out on a limb for me like that. I didn’t want to be nosey, but I had many questions-she was calling me on a Friday morning, surely the doctor could have done the surgery sometime Friday, over the weekend or Monday, right? I mean, the scheduler made it sound like it was an emergency surgery. Then, to kind of piggy-back on that question, why me? Why not bump someone else?

I’m not trying to sound self absorbed, like I don’t have a heart or that I think I’m better than anyone else, BUT this has been going in for 7 months now. I know that sounds like nothing to a cancer patient or their family, but this isn’t JUST affecting me either! I don’t know when I’m going to have another episode. I live in constant fear that what I eat will give me another attack, sendings back to the ER, & possibly another hospital stay. I haven’t been able to get a job because of this, of which I am now in collections. I’ve been to the ER so many times in the last 7 months I’ve lost count. I’ve gotten high blood pressure from this. I’ve been told its serious, we have to do the surgery now, then it’s not so serious, then it’s serious, then not so much. Things have gotten worse, then better, then worse, then better. Like I said, I know this probably isn’t as bad as most cancer patients, but still, how many people have gone through something like this, & not felt a tad bit shuned? We had a date set. It was 4 flipping days away, within touching distance, I’d jumped through all the hoops, & where does that get me? An ‘I’m sorry, we have to postpone the surgery for almost 2 weeks’. After everything I’ve been through, haven’t I paid my dues? I live in constant fear that the next bite I’m putting in my mouth will cause me to have another attack & send me to the ER again. How is that not an emergency?!

I feel I did a good deed, but I feel like its a double edges sword-I helped someone else out, BUT I’m also hurting myself, because now, instead of having until Tuesday, I now have to wait almost another 2 weeks for this. I don’t feel like that’s right either. I’m tired of all this bad karma & juju that’s been going around, I’ve paid my dues to this illness, I’m ready to be done with it. I know it’s going to be painful afterwards, & I’m not looking forward to it, which is yet another reason why I just want to put it behind me ASAP! As Larry the Cable Guy would say, let’s ‘git r done!’

Headache & a Half

22 Jan

I am not sure where to start today, I  just feel the need to get a lot off my chest today. I have a day ‘off’-& by off, with being unemployed, I mean not babysitting my twin nephews. On another note, my dad is home sick, which is almost like babysitting. I am so sick of this-being unemployed, not being able to GET a job because of my health issues, my health issues not moving along fast enough, owing money that I can’t pay back, getting calls about those bills multiple times a day…it’s like, yes, I know I owe them money, & I’d pay them if I had money period, but the fact is, is that I am unemployed, & basically unemployable right now.

Yeah, sure, I look fine, I feel fine right now, but I have gallstones, which could flare up at any moment, plus I am going in for surgery in exactly 1 week from today, do you know of anyone who would hire me in a state like that? I sure don’t! I have never been in management, but even I know that’d be pushing it with a job! I can just see it now, I get a job, then within the first few days, I get an attack & have to leave early…then get fired. On top of all that, my dad’s been harping on me to get a job. Like I said, I look normal, I feel fine, so what’s the problem? The problem is, is that I have gallstones, like I said. And, also, like I said, they could flare up any time. Believe me! I want to get a job too, just to get out of the house, & get away from the mundane! Yes, I love my nephews, & I don’t want to not see them, but I do need to get a job to make money to pay off my bills. I’m not big on running here, walking there, & that kind of stuff, & I have been moving around taking care of my nephews, but I just want to break free…feel like I’m helping out at home, maybe even move out soon…but I can’t because of these stupid gallstones! 

I can’t wait to have this done & over with! Plain & simple. I am tired of living in fear-fear of not knowing when I’m going to have my next attack, if I’m going to have to go the ER, if I’m going to be kept in the hospital, how many times I’m going to be stuck with a needle-just the thought of that is making me panic! Wondering if what I eat now, now matter how low fat it is, is going to cause another attack. Part of the ‘worst’ part is that my dad seems to be completely refusing to change anything & just plain being rude to me about it. It’s not like we are eating bad food, or that it tastes horrible, its just a matter of having more veggies, less beef, & more chicken & turkey & replacing beef with those, which I prefer anyway, as well as not so much bread. Oh my word! At those last few, my dad seems to be throwing a fit about it! God forbid he doesn’t get his huge steak & half a loaf of french bread all to himself. In his mind, I guess I’m supposed to do this all on my own, without a job or money to pay for my own food. A couple of times, he’s turned to me & told me I had to loose weight in a very rude tone of voice. Believe you me, I know I do-at my worst, about 6 months ago when this all started, I was at 338 pounds. I am not proud of that, & I am working on it, really I am. But, I also know that I have to as well! I don’t need him to tell me period, let alone to say it the way he did. This has been a problem for me for a while, it has gotten out of control, but now I am doing my best to fix it. I am tired of being told in that way that I have to lose weight, then he keeps eating the same way, because it’s not fair to my mom that she has to work all day, then come home, fix dinner for me, her & my sister then fix something completely different for my dad because he’s throwing a hissy fit about the food for us. Want to know what else isn’t fair? That, given the choice, he’d knowing fix something that I can’t or won’t  eat. He knows I HATE bell peppers, & dislike steak & he’d fix a steak with grilled bell peppers (so the whole house wreaks of bell peppers) just to spite me…It’s as if he thinks I am going this on purpose, & not because I have a medical condition! Oh but we can’t do anything like that to him!

Anyway, back on track. I’m not trying to blame everyone else for my problems, but to some extent, it’s not all my fault. When I was young, my grandma (my dad’s mom) seemed to always be stuffing me with food. No matter what I told her, no matter that I’d told her a hundred times before, she’d always tell me to eat, always be ready to fix me something! And, even if I was hungry, I’d eat my serving, get full, & she’d STILL tell me to go eat more.  Then, when I was with her, I couldn’t go anywhere unless it was with her or my grandpa or aunt. To her, the thought of my & my girlfriends having a slumber party was unacceptable & if it were left up to her, I wouldn’t have ever had any or gone to any. I spent most of my extra time over at her house because she basically forced it on my parents that I did (much to my mom’s disliking-but my dad would NEVER, & I mean NEVER, stand up to her), so 99% of my weekends were spent over there where I helped her, my grandpa & aunt clean their house. Most of that time, I just really wanted to be home, but according to her, HER house was my home. And people wonder why I’m such a quiet person & why I feel it’s so hard to be that outgoing type of person? Another thing about my grandma, she always told me to never talk to strangers & always seemed (to me at least) to be scared of anybody walking by. 

Going from an overprotective grandparent to the opposite on the other side of the family…oy vay! 

Unwanted advice in abundance

14 Jan

Things have been getting better for me health wise. I’ve had my 2 other endoscopies at UCSF & they went well. I’m still going to need surgery to have my gall bladder taken out, so I’m gearing up for that.

On another note, other things haven’t been going so well. Well, maybe ‘not well’ isn’t the right way to put it. More like people treating me like I’m stupid, going to make bad decisions, telling me what I should & shouldn’t be eating & otherwise just giving unwanted & unneeded advice like I’m a 4 year old. This hasn’t helped my mental world at all! I’ve got my mom telling me good things to eat that are low fat…but obvious things that I didn’t need to be told. Then she’s repeating herself on that.

There’s my dad, who rudely gives advice…stuff like ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ Or ‘should you have that much?’ Not to mention that he is unwilling to change his habits any & criticizes me about what I’m eating-what choice do I have? I have no job, no money…so it’s not like I can go out & but my own food to feed myself healthy. He HAS to have his French bread with dinner, then has the nerve to criticize me when I have ONE small piece of the bread without any butter, while he has 5 pieces with butter?

Then there’s my sister. She is ALWAYS on top of me about portion sizes, what I eat, & basically everything I do! Most of the time I feel like I can’t take a breath or blink my eyes without running it by her first… I feel like no matter what I eat or how much I eat, she’s always judging me & telling me every little thing I did wrong. Sometimes, I feel like she’s testing me too. For example, she’ll ask me if I want something that may not be the best decision, like at Starbucks, getting a nonfat white mocha…I just feel like she is setting me up so she can reprimand me for it later.

I very much feel like the outcast now. Like everyone is judging me on everything I am doing, everything I say, how I act. I feel like I’m up on stage being judged, having the spotlight put brightly on only me. Seems like everything I do & say is wrong-I eat, that wrong; I don’t eat, then I’m acting childish & still wrong in some way. At this point, I don’t want to be here anymore…take that however you want. I can’t seem to do anything right, so what’s the point? I’m not doing any good in the world…

It’s a Miracle They Even Know I Exist…

14 Jan

A lot has happened since my last post. First off, I’d like to get this off  my chest. My grandma, aunt & uncle  never cease to amaze me with how mean they are, but this time, it not only affected me, but everyone else too. For both Thanksgiving & Christmas, they seemed to be trying to get us (my parents, both my sisters, myself, my middle sisters boyfriend & the twins) to not come over, short of lying to us & saying they weren’t doing either. We ended up going over on Thanksgiving & Christmas Eve. They pretty much ignored me the whole time, which doesn’t surprise me because thats the way they’ve treated me my whole life-either that or when they DO talk to me, it’s to put me down, or talk about ‘Rachel, Rachel, Rachel’, my wonderful perfect cousin. (Don’t get me wrong, I love her, I am not mad at her, this is all aimed at them, since THEY are the one’s who are doing this, not her.) No matter WHAT I’ve done or achieved, they’ve NEVER ONCE congratulated me on it. They have never accepted me period. Usually, it is the oldest grandchild or niece/nephew who is the ‘beloved’ child, well, not in my case. With me, it’s more like I’m the bad seed, the embarrassment. Anyway, back onto the subject. On Christmas Day, around 230, my mom called to see when they were going to come over, & at that point, they said they ‘weren’t sure when they were going to be over.’ At that point, we should have seen it coming. She called back a little after 4, when noone had come over yet, & at that point, they then told her that they were not going to come over. Oh the nerve! They go around acting like they high class, & so classy & ritzy, (& treating me like I am a 3rd class citizen), but in reality, they are low class, no good, rude, mean & black hearted people! My mom had went through, bought all that food, prepared & cooked it, spruced up the house, was expecting them to come over, & they decide they don’t want to come over at the last minute? AND they weren’t even going to tell her? The ONLY reason we knew they weren’t going to come over was because my mom HAD to CALL THEM to see if they were going to come over, they couldn’t even call us?! If we so much as thought to do something like that to them, we’d be exiled out of the family! And, it wasn’t like any of them were sick, or had to travel out of town. It wouldn’t surprise me if they had something better come up or had a party at their house! My middle sister who ALWAYS & VEHEMENTLY defends them was even pissed off that they did that. She is, now, starting to see how they are. All I can say to that end of it, is finally! Like I’ve said, they’ve always treated me like this! I could tell you horror stories! 

Maybe that could/should be my next few entries…Just to get it off my chest. It seems like no matter how many times I tell the stories, or who I tell them too, it still hurts, makes me feel both bad & bad about myself. I’ve tried talking to my aunt about it, & she denies ever giving preferential treatment to my cousin (trust me, its very obvious), or to treating me the way they do. Even her own best friend said something to her defending me! (I must say, her best friend is awesome, & she has always like me & treated me better then my own aunt) 

I’d love to say I wish I wasn’t related to them (& I have on more than 1 occasion), I am also thankful that I am related to them because I don’t take the good part of my family (the rest of that side of the family, as well as the other side of the family) for granted. I know what it’s like to be looked at as the black sheep of the family. I can be in a room filled with my family, & feel like I am truly not there, lost, alone & unloved. I can be talking to them, & feel like I am stupid, uncool, & like I’m being judged by them all the time. It’s like being in high school all over again. It is like they are all still stuck in high school. I know my uncle did not have a good high school experience, maybe not a bad 1 perse`, but I do know that he was teased at lest a little bit. I don’t know about my aunt or my grandma, but something tells me that if they’re treating me like they are, & otherwise acting like they are/do, they must not have had a great 1 either. Now, it’s like they’re trying to relive their high school days, only their ‘classmates’ are their family members. Lately, I’d just rather not deal with them. All my life, they’ve NEVER been able to remember my birthday, or even my birth MONTH. I’d be happy if they’d even remember the month I was born in. But, you ask them when 1 of my other uncle’s birthday’s is, & they will tell you without even skipping a beat. Mind you, my uncle’s birthday is the day after mine (many years difference though). Yes, that’s a real ego booster there. They’re also gossip hounds, they LOVE getting all up into your business, yet also, don’t always like giving out their gossip…especially if it’s something they did wrong. So, I can guarantee you that they will not be sharing that Christmas day story with anyone else. Thankfully, they are not the only one’s involved, & my other 2 uncles will be hearing about it. Especially that uncle who’s birthday is the day after mine, since he is completely about family, & keeping the family together. He, unfortunately, couldn’t make it that day because he was out of state, which we knew about already, so that wasn’t an issue. 

Wow, so this update was really supposed to be about something else completely, but, as usual I guess, once I get started on them, everything else seems to get derailed. I can honestly say that I am constantly being hurt by them, it seems like when I think they can’t get or do anything worse, they surprise me & stoop lower than before. I guess the moral of this story is don’t let your guard down, that I shouldn’t be surprised by ANY thing they do or say (especially when it is involving me), & most of all, don’t trust them period.