Archive | January, 2018

Nothing’s Fine, I’m Torn…

5 Jan

So, I decided to do something I promised myself I’d only do once. This second time might’ve brought something into my life I thought I’d never have again…I’m a big girl, so to say I get no attention from the opposite sex is an major understatement. BUT, going through this a 2nd time has possibly brought an interest in me from the person that did it. This person has expressed a liking in me-& trust me when I say I was skeptical, hell, I still am. We’ve been texting for almost 2 months now, met face to face for the first time about a month & a half ago…I’m not gonna lie, right off the bat, I thought he was pretty darn hot-not at all my normal type. My first thought was that there was absolutely NO way he’d ever like me back….I am a big girl after all, so that makes me equivalent to a robot or something-I am just an object, nothing to be desired, no feelings (so everyone can tell me allĀ  my faults, tell me how ugly I am, that I basically will never be loved…), undeserving of anything good. Apparently, he was attracted to me too, & he likes bigger gals. I am still in shock….& keep asking myself if I’m dreaming, because my whole life, I’ve been told & treated like I was sub-par, like I said before, almost like I’m a robot. I have been told, for my whole life, that I am fat, I don’t have loads of money, lots of nice things-truth be told, that kind of life means nothing to me, I have no desire to live in that world-yet, for my whole life, I have been told I don’t have that, so I am not worthy, that because I don’t strive to have lots of money & all the rich things that I won’t find anyone, that I’ll just be a nobody.

Is that really such a bad thing though? I actually kinda like my life…it’s not perfect, there are things I’d love to change, & I am happy most of the time…except when I go down that road where I tell myself I’m not good enough & actually start to believe it. All I want in this world, is to have a steady job, good friends, good family, someone to love me back…don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I feel I NEED a man beside me to make me happy-I want the RIGHT guy beside me. And, that seems to be the problem. The good looking ones are either assholes, don’t like bigger gals, are taken, or are gay…or any combo of those. I just want a good guy, who wont treat me wrong, who’s got a heart of gold, who will love me-faults & all, who will be trustworthy, honest, & faithful. Then, there’s this guy…He is good looking, nice…Granted, I don’t know that much about him, but I just get this feeling about him. And he likes bigger gals…and is showing an interest in me…I should just take it & run, rather than look a gift horse in the face, but I just can’t seem to feel like this is too good to be true. Like, he’s just joking around…the best way I can explain it is kind of like the movie ‘She’s All That…’ He’s a good looking guy, can get anyone he wants…why me? And how long with this last? I’m not sure if I’m ready for another let down. I don’t want to be single forever, but I don’t want to settle either, & I don’t feel I’d be doing that with him…

We’ll see where this goes I guess…sure hoping for something good. I’ve been in an up & down mood all afternoon, sure hope I can snap out of it & soon!