Tag Archives: black sheep

Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?  I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

6 Oct

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

Gotta Get This Off My Chest…

12 Sep

I know I complain a lot here, & it seems like I have a LOT of problems…trust me, I FEEL like I have a LOT of problems!!! I feel like I ALWAYS have something brewing inside of me…& not good stuff either! I feel like it’s getting to the point now where I feel like I have a black soul almost…I feel mean, hatred, mad, sad, upset, wanting to lash out ALL the time, I feel like this constant bad ‘mood’ if you will, is ALWAYS around me & inside me. I don’t like it at all. Since I found out about free blogging sites, I feel like I have an outlet. I can go here, vent about all my frustrations & whatnot, & it is as anonymous as I want it to be. I can write out everyone’s names if I so choose to, or I can say he or she or they or leave it up to you to decide. I feel like its the best of both worlds, I can vent, I can get it out of me, & move on & try to find some semblance of peace & happiness, AND like I just said, it’s anonymous. It’s not like I am venting to other family members or friends about things, then they start building up negative tabs against them. And then the fact that they know these people I’m venting about…

I have got the worst headache ever. I think it is because I’ve been under a lot of stress…stress dealing with certain people I am around quite a bit. Between a few of the things they have done, & continue to do, I feel like it has been building up & compressing inside me, I almost feel like a building volcano. I really do not want to blow up, I’d much rather diffuse this sucker WAY before that point, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. I don’t see any change coming about any time soon, which is sad, for all parties involved. I really would like a certain someone to get the help they need, mentally. BUT, like I said, I don’t see that happening. I just feel like, from what I have witnessed, that this person has a problem, they KNOW they have a problem, they SAY they want help, but they don’t do anything to get the help they need. They’re not being proactive about it, & they know the avenues to go down to get the help they need & (I feel) the deserve. If it were me, I’d be doing whatever it was to get myself to a healthier, happier place. That being said, yes, I am working on my weight, & my issues. I am a firm believer in practicing what you preach. This person has said to me that they wanted help, but they weren’t sure how long it would last, so why even start? I was appalled by this because why wouldn’t want to start somewhere? Why wouldn’t start to get back on the road to being happy? Give yourself a starting point, be honest-say I don’t long I can do this, so I want to get as much out of this as I can, & I want stuff that I can use after this ends to help me stay grounded & happier than if I didn’t do anything. I’d like to get tips on how to deal with certain situations etc., to take away with me for the future if I am not getting that help anymore. I’d want to walk away from getting the help I need for a short time with as much knowledge as I could possibly gather. I just don’t see how you could NOT want to get help at all because you don’t know how long you will be getting that assistance. The fact is, is that you CAN get it now, capitalize on that while you can!! I just don’t see how someone can choose to live like that, knowing that things could be different, could be so much better. It just baffles me…

Anyway, I have a few things that I need to do away from my computer, so it is time that I bid Adieu for the time being…

What Did I Do Wrong This Time…?

15 Aug

In sets the deep depression & isolation. I don’t even know why, but I just had that nagging feeling that while I was out of the room, my sisters were talking about me. I’d love to say that they are my sisters & they would never, but this is me we are talking about. I get the very distinct feeling that noone in my family likes me, that they just put up with me so as to not make waves or because they are related to me, so they HAVE to put up with me. As I have stated before, a few people on 1 side of the family DEFINITELY do not like me & they make their feelings known…at least to me. They’ve  made it abundantly clear that they do not want me around, so I wonder what they say about me behind my back, both to each other (as they all live together) as well as to the rest of the family. I just feel like I would be better off just leaving, & starting new someplace else as somebody new, have a new identity, become a new person. I am sure I would succumb to the same insecurities that I have now, but who knows? I may not.

I feel like everyone else is all buddy-buddy, they do things together, they have each other’s cell phone #’s,  they worry about whether my sisters are there, & if they’re not, then when WILL they be there? And if they’re not coming than why not? They are so very unhappy if my sisters don’t show up, but they pretty much ignore me. Like thank you very much, I showed up, I came! I am here! And they all but act like I am not there…so why do I show up? Why should I be there? Noone even notices that I am there, they all walk around me like I am a coffee table, like I’m just a piece of furniture-I’m there but they move around me like I am an inanimate object. So why bother? It’s not like they will notice that I am not there…So, why go through all of the trouble? Why go through the time to get myself ready, pick out an outfit that they won’t gawk out TOO much, make sure my makeup is put on 100% perfectly, make sure my hair is done up & not a hair is out of place? Why do I keep putting myself through this? I honestly do not have an answer for that. I like most of my family (except above stated members that do not like me & have not been nice to me), & I HOPE they like me in return, but I am just not sure. I kind of want to know what they REALLY think of me, but then I kind of don’t. I would like to know where I stand with them, what is going through their minds as they see me, what they really think of me when I am truly being me (because the looks the above mentioned members give me when I say something, & sometimes 1 of my sisters as well, is a look 1 would give a lepper who walked up to the queen of England & joined the conversation…I wish I was joking, but I am not.). That look is what I consider ‘THE’ look…& I seem to get that look a lot. Which only has me asking, yet again, why do I go? Why do I show up? Why do I keep putting myself through this? And that is why I say I get the distinct feeling that they don’t like me & wouldn’t notice if I was gone.

I feel like the only people who really would miss me are either gone (as in no longer among the living) or have dementia, or are too far away & I don’t get to see them much. I know when I was having all that trouble with my gall bladder, some of those people who are now too far away to come visit had come over for christmas, & had missed me then, as well as calling my mom & asking after me. It saddens me that I am left with family members who would rather not have me there, while the family members who really cared about me & made me feel important & wanted are either no longer with us, have dementia and or are too far away to come visit. I don’t know where I seem to have gone wrong. On 1 note, you’re told to be yourself & if someone doesn’t like you the way you are, then they weren’t meant to be in your life…well, what if this person is related to you? Then what? I am sure they MEANT friends & acquaintances, not family, but doesn’t that still apply? In a way, I guess it does, but it sure as heck doesn’t dull the pain any, if anything it makes it worse, because that is your family! That is your flesh & blood, & even THEY are rejecting you!

And there is no way out unless you leave permanently, just ex-communicate yourself from them. That is why I say I would really like to just up & disappear. Become somebody completely different, someplace else. I would miss quite a few things. I would definitely miss said family members who had dementia, & my nephews. That also has me thinking-I would miss them terribly, but would they remember me? And if they did, HOW would they remember me? Would they remember that I loved them will all of my heart? Or would I just be some ghost of a memory, like a shadow in the back of a few of their memories? And then when they ask about me, would my sister, the rest of my family, cover up my existence? Just act like I was a figment of their imagination? Or worse yet, say that I was this horrible person? That I was their crazy aunt who just left them? Would they ask where I was? Would they notice I was gone? Would they miss me? By far, the thought of leaving them & never being able to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives, hurts far worse than anything else. That right there has the power to have me in a fetal position & balling my eyes out like there is no tomorrow. The thought of not being a part of their lives, & them not remembering me hurts me so much I literally have to make myself think of something else before I have a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

I sometimes think of the mark we leave on others as well as the mark they leave on us. Like, I remember 1 of our old neighbors who was probably certifiably crazy. Or another neighbor that I always had a weird feeling about, who years later I found out was a perv, like I always suspected. Or a little old Italian man who rode his bicycle around everywhere in his younger days, & his wife who made the BEST homemade applesauce. Or the girl down the street who had no fear. Or the old man down the street who was always yelling at me & the neighborhood kids to go home to where we really lived, that we didn’t belong there on his block, that we didn’t live on that block. Or how about how you met certain people in your lives? Like the kid who lives across the street from you? Or the one down the block? How they were all about the same age as you, maybe they were being taken care of by their grandmother, & the 2 of you started a conversation across the street? And maybe they had a brother about the same age as well as 2 cousins who were also always over there? Or maybe you marched up to the neighbor & just introduced yourself? I am not sure if any of these stories are things anyone else would remember about me or anyone else, that is to say if they were really something that happened, or just some random thought of how somebody could have met anyone else. This could’ve happened to me, could’ve happened to any one of you reading this. I am not sure if anyone would remember anything about me, other than the obvious 1st thing you’d see upon looking at me, or if you already know me, the way that I act. I am not sure if anything would stick with you, good or bad, or just plain weird.

Time Flies…

16 May

And it seems to march on no matter what! I feel like I am always a downer-alway in a down, hard on myself mood, I seem to always be thinking that I am never where I imagined myself to be. I always thought I’d be skinny, beautiful, living on my own, married, possibly with children…then I look in the mirror, & reality is staring me in the face. Literally! The fact is, is that I am none of those. I am trying soooo hard to lose weight, but it never seems to come off quickly enough, or I think I am doing good, only to find out I’ve gained 5 pounds. NOT the results I was looking for…Then, just when I think things couldn’t get worse, I feel like everyone is hounding me about my weight, about what I eat, about what I do or don’t do. I feel like I am constantly being watched, every single little movement, every single breath, blink of an eye, & like I am being harshly judged…whether it be because I had a 2nd cup of coffee for the first time in probably 6 months at least, or because I FELT like having a little bit of mac & cheese for lunch. I feel like every single choice I make is being scrutinized, & I am  being told about every single wrong decision I make, & coming from someone else who is not in my position-Someone who already has their life together. They make is sound so easy, or like it shouldn’t even be an issue, like I shouldn’t be making a questionable decision here & there, like I shouldn’t do something for myself (god forbid I do something like go get a mani/pedi or something) once in a while. Everyone else around me has been doing things for themselves more over the last year than I have in almost the last 3 years. So, am I not entitled to do the same every once in a while? I seriously feel like the answer to that is no!

I have a gift certificate for a mani/pedi from my birthday like 3 years ago that I still haven’t gotten done because it seems like every time I make plans to do something, something ‘more important’ comes up, like I need to go to work because they’ve already made their plans & their plans are set in stone, BUT THEN, afterwards, they’re like ‘oh you need to take time for yourself, we’re going to not bother you all weekend,’ to which they do end up calling on me to work…. But if I were to do something like that to them, at the last possible second, they’d be like ‘nope sorry, can’t help!’ Oh but when it’s them, then it is my top priority, they already said yes, & they can’t back out now! *rolls eyes* Then, I feel like they use the guilt trip on me, knowing that it’ll make me suffer & bow in to what they want me to do, or kind of act like I’m the bad guy because I said no.

I also feel like other people get things given to them easily. For example, not having to do any chores, not having to help clean the house, or feed & take care of YOUR animal, never having to help make the meals etc. There are some people in my life that I look at, & wonder how they got this far in life! They know how to cook & clean, & yet they don’t help at all. One person in particular always seems to think that because they simply just cooked 1 part of the meal, that they have done everything! They don’t realize that cooking (JUST cooking, not preparing it or getting it ready for the table) just 1 part of the meal is not the same as cooking a full meal, & getting it to the table…There is all the prep work that goes into it (not to mention the deciding what to have, then getting it at the store as well…), the cooking, cutting, slicing, putting together of the rest of the meal, as well as setting the table, then, the putting away of the food afterwards, & the cleaning up afterwards that also has to be taken into account. But they don’t see that!

I think that is part of the problem. Some people just stand on their soap boxes & judge other people without asking questions, or without knowing their situation. I know mine changes on a daily basis. It is so easy to come from a different place & judge someone else without knowing what is going on in their daily life, without knowing what is going on inside their heads. I know in my head, it’s usually a sad, hard on myself place, then someone else telling me that I am making the wrong decision, or I should be doing things differently, only makes it worse in my head, because then it goes to that place where everything I do is wrong, & more times than not, I end up telling myself I should just up & leave, that I have nothing to stay here for. I can just leave & move to Tim-Buck-Two Alaska, & create a whole other life for myself, & have none of what I have here. But then I think of what I’d be leaving, & sadly enough, that is what keeps me here. I just can’t seem to stomach the thought of leaving my 2 little angels-what I truly consider to be my 2 reasons for living. The more I think about it, the more I want to be around for the next 50 years or longer just to see them grow up. I know I need to change a lot of things, & I am truly trying my hardest, I just hope it is good enough, & that I will be here that long…

It’s a Miracle They Even Know I Exist…

14 Jan

A lot has happened since my last post. First off, I’d like to get this off  my chest. My grandma, aunt & uncle  never cease to amaze me with how mean they are, but this time, it not only affected me, but everyone else too. For both Thanksgiving & Christmas, they seemed to be trying to get us (my parents, both my sisters, myself, my middle sisters boyfriend & the twins) to not come over, short of lying to us & saying they weren’t doing either. We ended up going over on Thanksgiving & Christmas Eve. They pretty much ignored me the whole time, which doesn’t surprise me because thats the way they’ve treated me my whole life-either that or when they DO talk to me, it’s to put me down, or talk about ‘Rachel, Rachel, Rachel’, my wonderful perfect cousin. (Don’t get me wrong, I love her, I am not mad at her, this is all aimed at them, since THEY are the one’s who are doing this, not her.) No matter WHAT I’ve done or achieved, they’ve NEVER ONCE congratulated me on it. They have never accepted me period. Usually, it is the oldest grandchild or niece/nephew who is the ‘beloved’ child, well, not in my case. With me, it’s more like I’m the bad seed, the embarrassment. Anyway, back onto the subject. On Christmas Day, around 230, my mom called to see when they were going to come over, & at that point, they said they ‘weren’t sure when they were going to be over.’ At that point, we should have seen it coming. She called back a little after 4, when noone had come over yet, & at that point, they then told her that they were not going to come over. Oh the nerve! They go around acting like they high class, & so classy & ritzy, (& treating me like I am a 3rd class citizen), but in reality, they are low class, no good, rude, mean & black hearted people! My mom had went through, bought all that food, prepared & cooked it, spruced up the house, was expecting them to come over, & they decide they don’t want to come over at the last minute? AND they weren’t even going to tell her? The ONLY reason we knew they weren’t going to come over was because my mom HAD to CALL THEM to see if they were going to come over, they couldn’t even call us?! If we so much as thought to do something like that to them, we’d be exiled out of the family! And, it wasn’t like any of them were sick, or had to travel out of town. It wouldn’t surprise me if they had something better come up or had a party at their house! My middle sister who ALWAYS & VEHEMENTLY defends them was even pissed off that they did that. She is, now, starting to see how they are. All I can say to that end of it, is finally! Like I’ve said, they’ve always treated me like this! I could tell you horror stories! 

Maybe that could/should be my next few entries…Just to get it off my chest. It seems like no matter how many times I tell the stories, or who I tell them too, it still hurts, makes me feel both bad & bad about myself. I’ve tried talking to my aunt about it, & she denies ever giving preferential treatment to my cousin (trust me, its very obvious), or to treating me the way they do. Even her own best friend said something to her defending me! (I must say, her best friend is awesome, & she has always like me & treated me better then my own aunt) 

I’d love to say I wish I wasn’t related to them (& I have on more than 1 occasion), I am also thankful that I am related to them because I don’t take the good part of my family (the rest of that side of the family, as well as the other side of the family) for granted. I know what it’s like to be looked at as the black sheep of the family. I can be in a room filled with my family, & feel like I am truly not there, lost, alone & unloved. I can be talking to them, & feel like I am stupid, uncool, & like I’m being judged by them all the time. It’s like being in high school all over again. It is like they are all still stuck in high school. I know my uncle did not have a good high school experience, maybe not a bad 1 perse`, but I do know that he was teased at lest a little bit. I don’t know about my aunt or my grandma, but something tells me that if they’re treating me like they are, & otherwise acting like they are/do, they must not have had a great 1 either. Now, it’s like they’re trying to relive their high school days, only their ‘classmates’ are their family members. Lately, I’d just rather not deal with them. All my life, they’ve NEVER been able to remember my birthday, or even my birth MONTH. I’d be happy if they’d even remember the month I was born in. But, you ask them when 1 of my other uncle’s birthday’s is, & they will tell you without even skipping a beat. Mind you, my uncle’s birthday is the day after mine (many years difference though). Yes, that’s a real ego booster there. They’re also gossip hounds, they LOVE getting all up into your business, yet also, don’t always like giving out their gossip…especially if it’s something they did wrong. So, I can guarantee you that they will not be sharing that Christmas day story with anyone else. Thankfully, they are not the only one’s involved, & my other 2 uncles will be hearing about it. Especially that uncle who’s birthday is the day after mine, since he is completely about family, & keeping the family together. He, unfortunately, couldn’t make it that day because he was out of state, which we knew about already, so that wasn’t an issue. 

Wow, so this update was really supposed to be about something else completely, but, as usual I guess, once I get started on them, everything else seems to get derailed. I can honestly say that I am constantly being hurt by them, it seems like when I think they can’t get or do anything worse, they surprise me & stoop lower than before. I guess the moral of this story is don’t let your guard down, that I shouldn’t be surprised by ANY thing they do or say (especially when it is involving me), & most of all, don’t trust them period.