Archive | February, 2016

Is The Grass Always Greener…?

28 Feb

Why does the drama cloud always seem to hover over me? If it’s not 1 thing, it’s another. So, I’ve been working 6 days a week, which has been taking its toll on me. Not having 2 days downtime has me stressed out. Now, I’ve got that cold that has been going around-I thought I had dodged a bullet on that!

Then, having car troubles on top of that, on top of THAT, it happened on my way to work. We’re already short on cars, I’ve been looking for a new car, but being on a limited budget has made it very hard on top of the normal limitations (mileage, age of car, foreign or domestic, automatic or stick shift, clean or salvage title…)  As if all that wasn’t enough, a friend of mine was giving me a bad time because we made plans for today, & with the car being out of commission, & me being sick apparently weren’t good enough reasons on their own for me to bail. I really did not want to duck out on our plans, but seriously, I…AM…SICK. I don’t have a car of my own, so I have to rely on everyone else to pick & choose when & where I can go, if I can go anywhere. I am at their mercy, since it is their cars that I am using/borrowing. We all work together as a team on this. I am trying to get a newer car, but haven’t found any yet. There always seems to be something wrong with each 1 I find. They all seem perfect, then I read they have a window that won’t roll down, or a mechanic’s special, or a salvage title, or a stick shift, or close to the most miles they can take before everything starts breaking down, or they’ve been sitting around for a year…the list goes on. I am not made of money, so its not like I can afford to say money isn’t THAT important. I only have so much money I’ve saved, AND I only get ONE chance at this, its not like I can get my money back if something should go wrong.

So, really…what am I supposed to do? I am sick, I need to work on me right now. Work on me getting better so I CAN go see them! So, instead of understanding, said friend got mad at me & got all butt hurt about it. So, basically, their saying they’d rather I chance coming down there with a broken car, chance it breaking down at any point between here & there, then having to be towed back (Spending more money that I need to be because of it), then, having my dad get mad at me for driving the car out of town, & doing more damage to it, not to mention that I am sick, so even if I did make it, I’d most likely get them all sick, to which they would be mad at me for getting them sick…so really, it’s a lose-lose situation for me either way! I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t. This friend & I have been through a lot together, I don’t know what has gotten into this friend. I get that they have been going through a lot lately, I know because I have been there through thick & thin with this friend. That being said, this friend has, how shall I say it, been venomous to me when things have gone wrong. I have stood by this friend, defended them, helped talk them down from the proverbial ledge, talked them through their issues, no matter who was on the other end of their tyrade. I’ve always felt like we could talk our way through anything, be honest with each other. Then, when I do, I get this hassle about it. I feel like sometimes, this friend misunderstands or misconstrues some things some times, like they think I’m lying to them. They claim they get it when I say I’m beat, say they get that way too, but then get mad at me when it interferes with me coming over. I just don’t get them sometimes.

I am trying to not take things personally, have a thick skin, but sometimes that is hard. ESPECIALLY when you’re trying to help someone. For someone I work for, things have changed, I feel like I have adapted for the most part, it still is a learning experience for me. This person is going through a lot, but they’re being snappy. I get the reason behind it, & like I said, I am trying to not take it personally, but sometimes it is hard. I feel like I am dealing with a lot lately, it just feels overwhelming. I feel more drained, not to mention I have a cold on top of it. I’d love to just go away from a while. away from the world, away from all the BS of daily life, just have books to read, movies & TV shows to watch, just de-stressify. Oh, there is a dream right there! I feel like a little girl lost. Not sure of my way or my place in this world. I feel like I can’t win no matter what I do, no matter what I say or do, I’m wrong, I’m the f-up, I’m the embarrassment. I always feel like I am the outsider, the nerd that always says & does the wrong thing. Anytime I get that look or that attitude from people, I just close up into my shell. Not many people question it, but sometimes they do. I just wish I could be like everyone else…could say all the right things, act the right way. I guess that is life though-always wishing & wanting what you don’t have. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Or is it?