Tag Archives: depression

What Becomes of the Brokenhearted…

28 Apr

I have been gone a while. So much has happened. I was in a wonderful, happy relationship with the ‘perfect’ guy…just short of 13 months (the irony of that isn’t lost on me…’lucky’ number 13), he broke up with me.

To be fair, there was an incredibly lot of stress in his life lately (mine too, but not as bad as his), not to mention that it was mentioned that I was clingy. Noone likes being told about their faults, myself included…and I get it, he has a lot going on in his life right now. But, isn’t that the time you need someone most? Some people want space when they’re angry or upset, I get that.

I want to be wanted, I want to be needed. I want to feel like I am helping someone, like they can’t live without me, like they want to share their life with me-& not that I am forcing their hand, if you will. I want someone to completely be with me, & completely be of their accord, not out of obligation, or for any other reason than they WANT to be there, they WANT to be with me, they WANT to share things with me…they want to share the ups & downs of their day with me, or the nightmare they had last night, what their scared of, or what makes them over the moon happy. I know that we are going to need our time alone, our time for ourselves, we will have secrets. I want to be free to have a girls night out, & for him to have his man nights. I want him to feel free to do things on his own, as well as me having the freedom to do the same. That being said, I like us having our together time as well, our bonding time. I love just being together, cuddling up next to each other, snuggling, watching a movie. It made me feel special, like I was sharing something so special, we could take on the world together.

I knew what I had with this person, he was my person-I felt a connection. You know when you meet someone, & you feel something, some kind of connection, like something good falls into place? Then, you get to know them, & you feel comfortable really early in? I felt that with him. I felt a deep connection. We had a talk & decided to stay friends…I am still struggling, both with the breakup AND with this whole staying friends. Imagine this: you find someone so special, you see what is right in front of you, you know you have this special relationship, you don’t take any of it for granted, you KNOW you had the best thing ever-something you have been dreaming about, wanting so badly for your whole life, & you finally find it…& a bunch of drama land in one of your laps, & you 2 staying together is just 1 too many things to deal with for 1 of you. 2 weeks ago, we took a short break…1 day to be exact before he came to his senses, & realized he ‘couldn’t live without us being together’…then, fast forward 2 weeks, & we’re done, finished. So, I ask myself (quite often…) what did I do wrong? How can I NOT keep a guy like him? What is so fundamentally wrong with me that I can’t keep an independent man? All I have ever wanted was someone to share my life with, to make happy memories with, to fight with, to love with my whole heart. I wasn’t picky-he didn’t have to be rich, or good looking…I just ask that he be gainfully employed, a good guy, just macho enough-not conceited, but macho enough to kill a spider, or open a door for me, pay for a meal…not because he HAS to-I can do any of those things-but because he wants to. Yes, I like to hang out, & I understand that having our own time & our own space is important, being independent of each other, BUT I also like to be together, do things together, I wonder what he’s doing throughout the day, share thoughts or what I’m doing…Is it so wrong wondering what the other person is doing? Wanting to be together? I can’t put into words how heartbroken I am right now, sometimes I am ok, but other times, I am fighting so hard to hold back the tears-it literally takes everything I have to keep the tears at bay. Then, having a best friend that is going through a bunch of stuff too, & has been distant, I feel like 2 people have left me. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me-one of my rocks has been ripped away, then my best friend has stuff going on & wants space because that’s how this friend deals with things…so it’s not necessarily out of the ordinary…but I just feel so useless, so unwanted, so unloved…I know 2 of the most important people in my life have major things going on right now, but I feel shut out by both of them, like they don’t need me at all, like I mean nothing to either of them, but they talk to each other, they’re really close to each other…I feel like a third wheel, like they could just so easily take it off & become a bicycle & be totally fine & happy, like nothing was missing, like I was never there…I feel like nobody would miss me if I just up & moved somewhere else & started new…I am completely & utterly forgettable & replaceable…


So, It’s Here Again…

30 Nov

So, the depression is here again in full force. Do you ever feel like a failure? Or maybe you just don’t belong in your own family or friends circle? Or that every move you make, every thing you say is being scrutinized, & you are coming up lacking or worse, coming up as being ‘that’ family member or friend that is just so weird? You get ‘those’ looks from your fam &/or friends that clearly states that they think you are totally weird, & just wish you would excuse yourself. Then, there is the accompanying ‘oh yeah sure’, or ‘oh ok’s’ that you get, in that condescending way that they both look at you & talk to you. But, then, you try to appease them, & go to leave, then they’re all like ‘no, you don’t have to leave…where are you going? We want you to stay…’ Uh huh….that look you JUST gave me, & what you JUST said to me says you want me to leave even more than you want me to stay. In my world, I start getting that feeling like you’re being looked at by the whole room, or you walk into a room & it gets quiet…like you were just being talked about, & boom, there you are, so all conversations cease. Yeah, I didn’t notice that at all, & with that, I am gone! When I get that feeling, almost like I am unwelcome, or that they’d rather not have me there, I wonder what would happen if I just up & snuck out? Like I was there, then all of a sudden I was gone. I wonder IF anyone would notice? It is more probable that my disappearance would go unnoticed than if I asked how long it’d take for my absence to be noticed.

So often, I wonder how much of an impact I am making on people by being here? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few people I love beyond my insecurities that I am sticking around for. But, I wonder if I am doing them any good by being in their lives? Am I affecting them in a positive way? When I AM gone, will they look back with fond, happy memories?  Or will their memories of me be stained with embarrassment because I was the weird one? And I was the one that always said & did the weird things. I have never felt like I have been FULLY accepted by…anyone. I feel like my family puts up with me because they are my family, & that most of my friends are my friends because they feel sorry for me or something. I don’t have a significant other, that is another thing that seems to elude me. It makes me feel even MORE unlovable that I already feel. I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Like there’s those people that know exactly what to say at exactly the right time, know exactly what to do in any situation…I guess you could say they are well bred if you will, not necessarily that they are rich or high class or anything, they’re just those perfect types of person. Then, there are the country bumpkin types that were raised in a barn-leaving doors open, wearing all types of wrong clothes, saying the wrong things….I feel like that is me, but that I am even a loner in that group as well, like even THEY’VE shunned me too. It is at times like this that I wonder why I just don’t get in contact with one of those witness protection programs & talk to them about getting a new identity somewhere else. Just become someone completely new in a new town. Obviously, it wouldn’t be witness protection, but just a new start. In a series of fictional romance novels I am reading, this motorcycle club helps people out with that kind of stuff. Sometimes I sure wish I could find something like that. They’re set in an east coast state (fictionally obviously) where a friend of mine has family, SOOOO if it were real, that option would probably be out for me because they know me. Sometimes, I would just love to know that I have a happily ever after. That all this crap I am going through, have gone through, all the ups & downs in my life, everything, isn’t for nothing, that there is a purpose for me. I feel like I am always giving, & that there is nothing more for me, that nobody notices everything that I am doing & do….do. Do certain people REALLY realize that the services I give are free, that everything I have done for the last almost 6 years have been with love? The care I have given to 2 special little people in my life isn’t like any kind of care they’d receive from anyone else? I love those 2 little people, as well as a couple other little people, like they are my own-the love runs that deep! I would not be able to survive without any of them-just the thought is unbearable! I guess you might say they are my reason for living, for why I am still here, but sometimes I don’t feel like it is truly appreciated. I just want to feel special, to feel loved. I don’t always feel that from the people around me. That is where the whole disappearing thing comes up. I know I would be miserable without a few people in my life, but sometimes I feel like I’d be able to deal with it just to allow others to gain perspective-the perspective of life without me in it, without all the stuff that I do, just life without me in it at all. Then, thoughts wander back to the dark side-wondering if they’d miss me? Wondering if they’d think ‘oh good riddance’…wondering if they’d notice. I know they’d most likely get along just fine without me, but to JUST KNOW that they would miss me, that they’d know that I was gone, & that it’d cause a hole in their life without me being there.

I guess I’ll leave it there for right now, I feel a little bit better right now.

Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?  I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Dating Sites…

18 Dec

This is a hard post for me to write. I know I’ve shared a lot of information about me in all my posts, but I feel this is by far the most baring 1 to date. You can’t make everyone happy, at least not at the same time…I live by this, & it always seems like I’m on the opposite end of this quite often-there is ALWAYS someone mad or upset about something I’ve said, done, or a decision I have made. That is out of my reach, I know, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better sometimes. I don’t want anyone around me to fight with each other or with me. I know that’s inevitable, it can’t be helped.

That being said, I happen to be on a couple of dating sites…I know, enter judging comments here. It seems like everyone has an opinion on them. In the right context, & carefully used & navigated, they can be a good thing…but it seems, so often, we hear the horror stories about them. I feel compelled to say that I am being super careful about everything. That being said, I got a message last night from someone I don’t know, never been contacted by this person before last night. The message read ‘Jesus Christ! No. Have you ever exercised a day in your life?’ I’ll be the first to admit, I am overweight, yes I have issues with weight, & all that comes with it. I have self esteem issues, self worth issues, & no confidence period, let alone in myself. I am always suspicious of anyone who shows me attention of any sort, always sure that it must be a prank, or a  joke (after a lifetime of being treated like that, plus worse-god knows I’ve repressed 95% of everything that’s been said & done to me throughout my life) And, being the butt of the jokes, never getting picked for sports or anything team or duo related, can you really blame me for being hesitant & doubting? I have had a lifetime of everyone looking at me, & giving me that look of superiority, & of looking down upon me, like the step mother looked at Cinderella…like how could I even DARE think I was worthy of breathing the same air as them…all because I am overweight. They do the same thing to people with disabilities. Then, it’s like they’re only civil to me because there’s a teacher present, or because I am a friend of a friend, or they’re related to me, or because they have some sick ulterior motive. They never look passed the outside packaging. They just see what’s on the outside, & fully judge me by what I look like. That is nothing new (like I said, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life). I can say I have grown a somewhat thick skin after all these years. But this still hurt me through & through. I feel devastated. I feel like a failure in every way, I feel so ugly, so grotesque & hideous, so unlovable. It is a funny thing, the thoughts of a complete stranger. I don’t know this person from anyone reading this blog. This person is NOTHING to me, but with 1 small message, with 12 words, this person has hurt me so deeply, I am borderline devastated. Right now, I hate myself so much, I don’t even want to be friends with me. And, if I can’t love me, how is anyone else supposed to? I know myself well enough to say that I am overweight, & I’m quirky (I’m 1 of those awkward people who say the exact wrong thing at the right time & then everyone gives you that ‘oh, she’s special’ look…most of the time, I feel like everyone puts up with me because they’re either related to me or have known me too long), but do I not deserve to be loved? To have all the life experiences I choose to have? If I want to get my ears pierced, who’s to stop me? If I want to get a tattoo, who’s to say no? If I want to go skydiving (which will never happen, as I am scared of heights), why can’t I go?

In being a people watcher, I’ve seen many people I grew up with, some popular, some not…they ALL seem to have an air about them, they all seem to be so at ease with themselves, so confident in themselves, never questioning themselves, or their friends, just very ok with themselves & everyone around them. What I wouldn’t GIVE to be like that. Not to have to worry about every single person that says hi to you, & wondering what their angle is-why are they talking to me? What is motivating them? What’s their agenda? A while back, in high school, someone I’d known for a bit over 10 years (probably about 12 or so) came up to me, & my 2 best friends, & was like ‘hey how are you doing?’ & was kind of hovering around my backpack (on my back), & ended up taping a picture of scantily clad women onto my backpack-like we’ve all seen done in movies. Hahaha, everyone laughed, including my best friends, I took it off, threw it away, yeah, it was funny, blah blah blah. But, this was happening to me…& the person in question was a friend of my cousins, who was always nice to me before, so I never had a reason to question him. And people wonder why I have trust issues, & I always expect the worst of everyone around me, why I never let anyone in. Being different in whatever way you are exposes you to the flipside of life, you see all that certain type of bad-just people being mean & bullying others, being judgemental & superficial…& you see people like me, good, nice people, getting hurt, getting called names, being put down, getting teased, made fun of, all the time. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole, with people like me getting beat down all the time, I just get back up then blam! I have to wonder why I keep getting back up & dusting myself off? It is said everyone has 1 true soul mate. I am just trying to find mine, but now, I am VERY skeptical I will. After all, I’ve got many aunts, uncles, cousins, & other family members who either aren’t married anymore, or have never had that special someone, but they seem like they’re ok. I just feel so lonely…then I see a happy couple, or a fighting couple, & think, I want something like that! I want someone who will love me unconditionally, someone who will fight with me 1 minute, but then fight for me the second someone else says something bad about me. At this point, I feel like all hope is lost…nothing holding me here but gravity…Anyway, I hope everyone has a good night, hopefully better than mine.

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

6 Oct

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

20 Sep

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…