Archive | December, 2016

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Advertisements

Dating Sites…

18 Dec

This is a hard post for me to write. I know I’ve shared a lot of information about me in all my posts, but I feel this is by far the most baring 1 to date. You can’t make everyone happy, at least not at the same time…I live by this, & it always seems like I’m on the opposite end of this quite often-there is ALWAYS someone mad or upset about something I’ve said, done, or a decision I have made. That is out of my reach, I know, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better sometimes. I don’t want anyone around me to fight with each other or with me. I know that’s inevitable, it can’t be helped.

That being said, I happen to be on a couple of dating sites…I know, enter judging comments here. It seems like everyone has an opinion on them. In the right context, & carefully used & navigated, they can be a good thing…but it seems, so often, we hear the horror stories about them. I feel compelled to say that I am being super careful about everything. That being said, I got a message last night from someone I don’t know, never been contacted by this person before last night. The message read ‘Jesus Christ! No. Have you ever exercised a day in your life?’ I’ll be the first to admit, I am overweight, yes I have issues with weight, & all that comes with it. I have self esteem issues, self worth issues, & no confidence period, let alone in myself. I am always suspicious of anyone who shows me attention of any sort, always sure that it must be a prank, or a  joke (after a lifetime of being treated like that, plus worse-god knows I’ve repressed 95% of everything that’s been said & done to me throughout my life) And, being the butt of the jokes, never getting picked for sports or anything team or duo related, can you really blame me for being hesitant & doubting? I have had a lifetime of everyone looking at me, & giving me that look of superiority, & of looking down upon me, like the step mother looked at Cinderella…like how could I even DARE think I was worthy of breathing the same air as them…all because I am overweight. They do the same thing to people with disabilities. Then, it’s like they’re only civil to me because there’s a teacher present, or because I am a friend of a friend, or they’re related to me, or because they have some sick ulterior motive. They never look passed the outside packaging. They just see what’s on the outside, & fully judge me by what I look like. That is nothing new (like I said, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life). I can say I have grown a somewhat thick skin after all these years. But this still hurt me through & through. I feel devastated. I feel like a failure in every way, I feel so ugly, so grotesque & hideous, so unlovable. It is a funny thing, the thoughts of a complete stranger. I don’t know this person from anyone reading this blog. This person is NOTHING to me, but with 1 small message, with 12 words, this person has hurt me so deeply, I am borderline devastated. Right now, I hate myself so much, I don’t even want to be friends with me. And, if I can’t love me, how is anyone else supposed to? I know myself well enough to say that I am overweight, & I’m quirky (I’m 1 of those awkward people who say the exact wrong thing at the right time & then everyone gives you that ‘oh, she’s special’ look…most of the time, I feel like everyone puts up with me because they’re either related to me or have known me too long), but do I not deserve to be loved? To have all the life experiences I choose to have? If I want to get my ears pierced, who’s to stop me? If I want to get a tattoo, who’s to say no? If I want to go skydiving (which will never happen, as I am scared of heights), why can’t I go?

In being a people watcher, I’ve seen many people I grew up with, some popular, some not…they ALL seem to have an air about them, they all seem to be so at ease with themselves, so confident in themselves, never questioning themselves, or their friends, just very ok with themselves & everyone around them. What I wouldn’t GIVE to be like that. Not to have to worry about every single person that says hi to you, & wondering what their angle is-why are they talking to me? What is motivating them? What’s their agenda? A while back, in high school, someone I’d known for a bit over 10 years (probably about 12 or so) came up to me, & my 2 best friends, & was like ‘hey how are you doing?’ & was kind of hovering around my backpack (on my back), & ended up taping a picture of scantily clad women onto my backpack-like we’ve all seen done in movies. Hahaha, everyone laughed, including my best friends, I took it off, threw it away, yeah, it was funny, blah blah blah. But, this was happening to me…& the person in question was a friend of my cousins, who was always nice to me before, so I never had a reason to question him. And people wonder why I have trust issues, & I always expect the worst of everyone around me, why I never let anyone in. Being different in whatever way you are exposes you to the flipside of life, you see all that certain type of bad-just people being mean & bullying others, being judgemental & superficial…& you see people like me, good, nice people, getting hurt, getting called names, being put down, getting teased, made fun of, all the time. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole, with people like me getting beat down all the time, I just get back up then blam! I have to wonder why I keep getting back up & dusting myself off? It is said everyone has 1 true soul mate. I am just trying to find mine, but now, I am VERY skeptical I will. After all, I’ve got many aunts, uncles, cousins, & other family members who either aren’t married anymore, or have never had that special someone, but they seem like they’re ok. I just feel so lonely…then I see a happy couple, or a fighting couple, & think, I want something like that! I want someone who will love me unconditionally, someone who will fight with me 1 minute, but then fight for me the second someone else says something bad about me. At this point, I feel like all hope is lost…nothing holding me here but gravity…Anyway, I hope everyone has a good night, hopefully better than mine.