Archive | March, 2017

Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?  I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…