Archive | October, 2016

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

6 Oct

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

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Shit Hitting the Fan? Or Fireworks?

6 Oct

That is the question of the hour…or maybe of the week. So, this person from my last post has been bugging the crap out of me-texting me, then when I don’t answer literally within 1 minute, they start texting me a line of question marks, or will start using my full name…like, WHAT!? I am busy, you KNOW I am busy. I take care of multiple children at a time, or I am at my other job, which I can’t always answer back immediately. I’ve already gotten yelled at by this person because I ‘never’ answer my phone for her. Mind you, at the time in question, I was driving in another town with my friend, following her mom to go to lunch-I didn’t know how to get to the restaurant, so I was following her mom so we wouldn’t get lost. She literally left me a voicemail where she was actually YELLING at me through the phone about how I never answer her when she calls, & she needed me to swing by her house to check on something. After that message, I didn’t call her back, I was so upset. A few days later, when she brought it up, I started yelling back at her, telling her I was not only out of town, BUT I was driving (!!!), as well as following my friends mom because I didn’t know the way we were going, & THAT was why I couldn’t answer her TWO phone calls that day. I answer MOST of the times she has called me, both before & since then. I only don’t answer when I am driving, in a movie, or at work. Or if I’m in the bathroom or something…but there’s a good reason I don’t answer it! After I was done, she was all like ‘oh…’ & let it go.

So, back to the question. There is an event going on, not necessarily ‘out’ of town, but kind of on the outskirts of town that she is invited to, as well as a couple of other family members. 1 of the family members, whom this person usually asks for a ride with (because god forbid SHE actually drive out of town), hasn’t asked this person how they are getting there, nor offered to give this person a ride. This person has not asked for a ride either. The family member doesn’t feel it is their responsibility to check in on this person to see if they have a ride, nor are they going to broach the subject. I have to kind of agree with this person. Said person is not this person’s child or responsibility, said person does not answer to this person, so why should said person think that this person will drive said person everywhere? I must say, I am a bit exasperated with said person, & them always expecting any 1 of us to drop everything we’re doing for said person; or for said person to assume that because I or ‘we’ (me & other people) are going somewhere (out of town or otherwise), that said person is automatically invited, & that we are already planning for said person to go with us. I feel like telling said person that ‘WE’ (or I) are going somewhere, NOT said person included. It is a very precarious balance beam I feel I am on. Said person is technically family, BUT within that, they have made it so I don’t want to tell them I am going anywhere, then when they’re like ‘when did you get that?’ or ‘where did you get that?’ I can say I got it at target or wherever & it has already happened, therefore, there’s not a thing that can be done. That being said, a couple of times, I’ve been out of town shopping, & said person has called me. At that point, I can’t deny it because they can obviously tell I am at a store, & if I say I’m at a store in town, said person can easily show up at that store & immediately call my bluff. So, when I tell them, said person immediately acts like I’m a horrible person because I didn’t not only invite said person, but also drive them. It just seems so ridiculous that at this point in their life, that they can’t just decide to go themselves, then actually *gasps* GO. What a concept, I know. But, seriously, this person has nothing else to do all day (other than maybe clean their house…but who doesn’t have that), they have the money, a car, gas…& according to them, they know how to get there…& even if they didn’t, they have a cell phone, which has the internet & GPS. What is stopping them?!?!?!

Anyway, I am going to be captivated by the drama show that seems to be my life & world as of lately, especially now. So, lets see what fireworks will happen in the near future…everyone be safe out there-everyone has lost their ever loving minds!

Shit Hitting the Fan? Or Fireworks?

1 Oct

That is the question of the hour…or maybe of the week. So, this person from my last post has been bugging the crap out of me-texting me, then when I don’t answer literally within 1 minute, they start texting me a line of question marks, or will start using my full name…like, WHAT!? I am busy, you KNOW I am busy. I take care of multiple children at a time, or I am at my other job, which I can’t always answer back immediately. I’ve already gotten yelled at by this person because I ‘never’ answer my phone for her. Mind you, at the time in question, I was driving in another town with my friend, following her mom to go to lunch-I didn’t know how to get to the restaurant, so I was following her mom so we wouldn’t get lost. She literally left me a voicemail where she was actually YELLING at me through the phone about how I never answer her when she calls, & she needed me to swing by her house to check on something. After that message, I didn’t call her back, I was so upset. A few days later, when she brought it up, I started yelling back at her, telling her I was not only out of town, BUT I was driving (!!!), as well as following my friends mom because I didn’t know the way we were going, & THAT was why I couldn’t answer her TWO phone calls that day. I answer MOST of the times she has called me, both before & since then. I only don’t answer when I am driving, in a movie, or at work. Or if I’m in the bathroom or something…but there’s a good reason I don’t answer it! After I was done, she was all like ‘oh…’ & let it go.

So, back to the question. There is an event going on, not necessarily ‘out’ of town, but kind of on the outskirts of town that she is invited to, as well as a couple of other family members. 1 of the family members, whom this person usually asks for a ride with (because god forbid SHE actually drive out of town), hasn’t asked this person how they are getting there, nor offered to give this person a ride. This person has not asked for a ride either. The family member doesn’t feel it is their responsibility to check in on this person to see if they have a ride, nor are they going to broach the subject. I have to kind of agree with this person. Said person is not this person’s child or responsibility, said person does not answer to this person, so why should said person think that this person will drive said person everywhere? I must say, I am a bit exasperated with said person, & them always expecting any 1 of us to drop everything we’re doing for said person; or for said person to assume that because I or ‘we’ (me & other people) are going somewhere (out of town or otherwise), that said person is automatically invited, & that we are already planning for said person to go with us. I feel like telling said person that ‘WE’ (or I) are going somewhere, NOT said person included. It is a very precarious balance beam I feel I am on. Said person is technically family, BUT within that, they have made it so I don’t want to tell them I am going anywhere, then when they’re like ‘when did you get that?’ or ‘where did you get that?’ I can say I got it at target or wherever & it has already happened, therefore, there’s not a thing that can be done. That being said, a couple of times, I’ve been out of town shopping, & said person has called me. At that point, I can’t deny it because they can obviously tell I am at a store, & if I say I’m at a store in town, said person can easily show up at that store & immediately call my bluff. So, when I tell them, said person immediately acts like I’m a horrible person because I didn’t not only invite said person, but also drive them. It just seems so ridiculous that at this point in their life, that they can’t just decide to go themselves, then actually *gasps* GO. What a concept, I know. But, seriously, this person has nothing else to do all day (other than maybe clean their house…but who doesn’t have that), they have the money, a car, gas…& according to them, they know how to get there…& even if they didn’t, they have a cell phone, which has the internet & GPS. What is stopping them?!?!?!

Anyway, I am going to be captivated by the drama show that seems to be my life & world as of lately, especially now. So, lets see what fireworks will happen in the near future…everyone be safe out there-everyone has lost their ever loving minds!