Tag Archives: preaching

Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?¬† I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…

SSDD

4 Feb

Same Shit…Different Day…

Same argument, different day…

As a best friend, you’re allowed to be brutally honest with them right? Maybe not ALL the time (like telling them they look like a hooker in a certain dress or something like that…maybe soften the honesty a bit so as to not hurt their feelings…) BUT, when they keep getting into the same fight with their spouse over the same thing that happened (if you could even call it that) like almost 7 years ago now…like, at what point do you say enough is enough?! When do you say I have had enough of this shit…LET IT GO! My brain is literally about to explode because of this…AGAIN! (I’m warning you now, things may be a bit jumbled because of this-you’ve had fair warning) This friend can’t seem to let it go. Ok, so, at bachelor/bachlorette party that the friends had for the future spouse, they went to a strip club (which my BFF did NOT want them to do…HELLO! It’s f-ing tradition!), & the future spouse gave a back rub to a half naked person…the (now) spouse did not (both at that time, nor at ANY time in their relationship-pre AND post wedding) have any kind of sexual relations with anyone else other than my BFF. The spouse is NOT that type of person. The spouse dotes on my BFF, when the first child was born, the spouse ran himself ragged doing everything my BFF needed/wanted done…it was CRAZY to watch them. I, personally, would not have done a lot of the stuff that the spouse did, were I in that position, not to mention that a lot of what the spouse did SHOULD have been stuff that my BFF should have been doing (involving pumping of milk, among other things) It is totally obvious that the spouse is in love with my BFF, but my BFF seems to be fixated on 2 things that the spouse has done. 1-being said back massage, & also relating to that, not telling my BFF for 4 years, & supposedly not even telling my BFF, that my BFF had to work it out on their own. And 2, the spouse watching porn, & according to my BFF, having an addiction to it-which I don’t think is the case. I get it, that they don’t want their young child/children to walk in on that sort of thing, BUT that being said, my BFF has said that he/she doesn’t need it often…well, males are different than females, AND in that, every male is different from 1 another, as is the same for females. Some of us just need it more than others, so if you’re not willing to put out as often as your significant other, either get them off another way, or let them do that themselves.

 

I know, I’ve only had 1 relationship, what do I know? What possible experience do I have that I could give my BFF? I’ve never been married. The best I could give my BFF is my outside view of the situation, & what I would do if I were in that situation. That being said, after all this time, after how many fights-all over the same 2 issues, when will it ever end?! At this point, it is beating the dead horses great grand child…It’s in the past, & not recent past either! It should be long dead & buried, but it seems to be coming back again & again. I just don’t get how & why this person keeps bringing this up, why this is still an issue. I get it, that the now spouse gave someone else a back rub right before they got married…BUT (!!!) that was all…It was a back rub to a stranger ONE time, they never saw each other afterward or since. Like I said, the spouse LOVES my BFF, it is totally obvious! I get it that the spouse never told my BFF, & (according to my BFF) my BFF worked it out on one’s own…I would be a little upset too….BUT (!!!) almost 7 years later, it would NOT still be this much of an issue! Yes, it’d be a blip on the radar of history, BUT it wouldn’t be something I’d go out of my way to make it another fight over! Same thing goes for the whole porn issue. If I didn’t feel like doing anything (either totally into it-no pun intended-, or helping out), then I’d just let my significant other take care of himself with the help of porn.

I love¬† my BFF, I really do, but some of the stuff that bothers said BFF really baffles me. It has me asking myself ‘Is that REALLY a problem? AND is it THAT big of a problem that you would be starting a fight over it?’ And, I also wonder how many fights over the same things is my BFF going to start before said BFF learns? This BFF is very head strong, & very bull headed. I would hate to see anything bad happen, like a separation or divorce. I honestly don’t think my BFF has any idea of all the things that the spouse does for both my BFF & their family. Unfortunately, when said BFF realizes (if at all) what a find the spouse is, it’ll be too late. To say I am shocked at the way life has turned out for this BFF is an understatement-I wouldn’t have thought that this BFF would have what they do at this point. Don’t get me wrong, said BFF is doing a good job, BUT I don’t think that, given the chance, that said BFF could do it all alone…I might be surprised though…who knows?

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

20 Sep

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…

Here comes the rain again…

15 Mar

So it’s happening again…that feeling like I’m a big let down & embarrassment to my family. I’m overweight, I know it…I have to loose weight, I know it. I didn’t gain the weight in 1 day, I can’t possibly loose all or most of it in 1 day (though I wish I could). Someone I know went in for surgery today, & I tagged along. A comment was made about the dr coming in to see who else he could recruit to get the surgery done as well, to which the person I tagged along with did that pointing thing toward me trying to be sly. Gee thanks…I know what I am, I know I need to loose weight, but do you HAVE to keep rubbing it in? Do you HAVE to keep telling me that you know we all have to loose weight, not just me, that you’re not trying to keep picking on me? If you’re not trying to pick on me, why do you keep saying it like that to me?! Cuz it’s sure coming off like that…& frankly, I am tired of it. I am trying. I keep getting told that this person has already lost X amount of weight…that’s been over the last 5 years & they keep bringing that up! Keep throwing it in my face…like that’s going to help, like that will motivate me! It hasn’t worked yet, what makes you think that if you keep that same tactic that it will work? I’m SORRY that I’m such an embarrassment, I’m SORRY that I let it get this far! I’m SORRY that the weight doesn’t just drop off me period, let alone in a day! Short of doing something drastic, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t feel like I am ready to go in for liposuction, or the gastric sleeve or bypass, or anything like that. I feel like sometimes it’s too much to do on my own, but the other options (surgery) are at the opposite end of my dilemma. I feel like throwing my arms up & just walk away-walk away from everybody & everything I know, & start a new life as someone else in another town far far away. Just pack up everything that’s important to me & pick a place on a map & go there. I know I would deeply regret leaving-as that would leave behind my heart with 2 little twins that I love with all my heart & a best friend that I don’t know if I could live without. That seems to be one of the hardest parts of all this. I know what I have to do, but I feel like an isolated island. My family doesn’t get me-part of them would RATHER I disappear & never be heard from again (as I am a stain on the family name & legacy…). I feel like I can’t talk to anybody, can’t reach out & find a positive outlet anywhere-which is also part of the problem-it’s so easy for everyone else to preach at me, but they don’t take the time to actually listen to what they’re saying or see how I react to what they’re saying, they’re blindly preaching at me saying we all need to change, but then they don’t do anything about it.
I am so tired & frustrated with so many things right now…