Tag Archives: family

Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?  I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

6 Oct

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

20 Sep

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…

Gotta Get This Off My Chest…

12 Sep

I know I complain a lot here, & it seems like I have a LOT of problems…trust me, I FEEL like I have a LOT of problems!!! I feel like I ALWAYS have something brewing inside of me…& not good stuff either! I feel like it’s getting to the point now where I feel like I have a black soul almost…I feel mean, hatred, mad, sad, upset, wanting to lash out ALL the time, I feel like this constant bad ‘mood’ if you will, is ALWAYS around me & inside me. I don’t like it at all. Since I found out about free blogging sites, I feel like I have an outlet. I can go here, vent about all my frustrations & whatnot, & it is as anonymous as I want it to be. I can write out everyone’s names if I so choose to, or I can say he or she or they or leave it up to you to decide. I feel like its the best of both worlds, I can vent, I can get it out of me, & move on & try to find some semblance of peace & happiness, AND like I just said, it’s anonymous. It’s not like I am venting to other family members or friends about things, then they start building up negative tabs against them. And then the fact that they know these people I’m venting about…

I have got the worst headache ever. I think it is because I’ve been under a lot of stress…stress dealing with certain people I am around quite a bit. Between a few of the things they have done, & continue to do, I feel like it has been building up & compressing inside me, I almost feel like a building volcano. I really do not want to blow up, I’d much rather diffuse this sucker WAY before that point, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. I don’t see any change coming about any time soon, which is sad, for all parties involved. I really would like a certain someone to get the help they need, mentally. BUT, like I said, I don’t see that happening. I just feel like, from what I have witnessed, that this person has a problem, they KNOW they have a problem, they SAY they want help, but they don’t do anything to get the help they need. They’re not being proactive about it, & they know the avenues to go down to get the help they need & (I feel) the deserve. If it were me, I’d be doing whatever it was to get myself to a healthier, happier place. That being said, yes, I am working on my weight, & my issues. I am a firm believer in practicing what you preach. This person has said to me that they wanted help, but they weren’t sure how long it would last, so why even start? I was appalled by this because why wouldn’t want to start somewhere? Why wouldn’t start to get back on the road to being happy? Give yourself a starting point, be honest-say I don’t long I can do this, so I want to get as much out of this as I can, & I want stuff that I can use after this ends to help me stay grounded & happier than if I didn’t do anything. I’d like to get tips on how to deal with certain situations etc., to take away with me for the future if I am not getting that help anymore. I’d want to walk away from getting the help I need for a short time with as much knowledge as I could possibly gather. I just don’t see how you could NOT want to get help at all because you don’t know how long you will be getting that assistance. The fact is, is that you CAN get it now, capitalize on that while you can!! I just don’t see how someone can choose to live like that, knowing that things could be different, could be so much better. It just baffles me…

Anyway, I have a few things that I need to do away from my computer, so it is time that I bid Adieu for the time being…

Other People’s Issues…

29 Aug

So, here I am again, complaining about things in my life. Only this time-I can’t do anything about it, it isn’t really about me-it has to do with me, but it isn’t me directly. I am so irked over someone I work with. We work together for around 10 hours a day, in a somewhat stressful situation, & what makes it MORE stressful is that this person is edgy, impatient & tense ALL the time. And, in our job, you don’t want to be that way, as it only causes more troubles. Well, add to that me working with this person for such big chunks of time, & then I am turning into a stressed out, tense person too, which I don’t want to be, & I try not to be, but it gets SO very hard when I am with this person all day, pretty much every day. I feel like there is no break from this mood. I really wish this person would get help. This person has been to their regular doctor, who has given them a referral to go see a specialist, but this person has not yet even called into the specialist, nor has the parental figure done that. Not like the person isn’t old enough to do that themselves, but either way, it still hasn’t been done. This person is saying that they’re not sure how long they’re going to be going to see the specialist, & they’d rather not go for a few visits then have to stop. At this point, a few visits is better than nothing! That’s a few visits more than they’ve been to now!! Plus, that few visits could do wonders, & it could open the door to something better. Who knows what might happen? For your sanity, wouldn’t you go? I know I would…

I can’t even begin to explain what is going on with this person. I know I only see this person’s actions, & attitude from the outside-I have no idea what is going on in this person’s head, or what is making them act the way they do or do some of the things they do. This person is paranoid (to the point of them thinking that people are going to call the authorities on them because they could be perceived as driving too fast down the road, when they’re only doing the speed limit, or them thinking that they ran into or over a person or animal when they went all the way over to the other side of a 1 lane road to avoid said person or animal…things like that), then this person has small fits if you will of rage (where they’re working, & all of a sudden, they’re angry, you ask them whats wrong-nothings wrong, you tell them to calm down, they have a sharp comeback saying that so & so was doing this, & basically acting like they HAD to get angry with the person…), then, god forbid somebody behind them makes a right turn & starts going the same way we go (for all we know, they could have to go in the same general direction as us, but they’re not following us.) or god forbid somebody has a weird look on their face as we’re passing by them or something…then they’ll get paranoid thinking they did something wrong to piss off that person making the weird face, when in all reality, maybe you just looked at them at an awkward moment & that’s the face they were making. There’s so many things that could easily be explained away that this person gets paranoid & gets their undies in a knot over, or this person will go 5 blocks out of their way just to make sure the person behind them isn’t following them, or make sure that they don’t find out where this person lives. I get being cautious, I am very cautious myself. But, the way this person acts makes me look VERY lax.

It is VERY taxing both working & being around this person constantly. I hate to say that, because I wouldn’t want this person NOT to be in my life, BUT like I said, it is very hard & taxing to always be around this person. I don’t know what I can do about this person. I can’t just call & make an appointment at a specialists office for them, I am not a specialist myself so I can help them there. I consider myself to be a very even tempered & easy person, it takes a lot for me to snap, BUT, I feel like my demeanor is different around this person, like all that easy, even tempered-ness just flies out the window with this person around. I get snappy, I’m grumpy all the time, & I really don’t like it. I know it is because I am a sensitive person, & I can FEEL other peoples vibes & moods & attitudes. And this person’s attitude & moods are always grumpy & angry. I hate being & feeling like that, especially all the time! I am more the type to be happy, joking, laughing, & just in a happy & jolly mood, I’m almost never a Debbie Downer…around other people anyways. But, now I feel like I am always in that kind of a mood, & it has nothing to do with me, or anything to do with my life necessarily, it’s just this other person’s vibes that get me that way, THEN it’s like I’ve been pulled to their bad mood.

I am so tired of everyone else being in a bad mood, I feel like I am in a bad mood enough on my own that I don’t need their bad moods as well!!! BUT, it is very hard to avoid this person, AND then to not work with them as well? Yeah, good luck with that. And, it’s not that this person is a bad person or anything like that, they just have issues that need to get worked through-& that is just the problem! Those issues are not getting worked through because they are not getting the help they need & deserve! I know I would LOVE to see this person happy, & I am sure THEY, themselves, would love to be happy & not have to worry about every little thing, but I just feel like they are a lost little kitten, & are in need of some guidance. Let’s hope we can work through this…

As Close to a Come to Jesus Moment As I’ll Ever Come…

28 Aug

So, this morning, me & a family member had a good talk…that is, a good, uninterrupted, grown up talk. AND, a real shocker here, they said the same thing that I’ve been saying for a while. We were talking about weight & wanting to loose weight, & they said that it may not have been completely our fault that we are this way. I will be the first to say that it is partly my fault, but when you are 4 years old, & a person of authority in your life is constantly telling you to eat eat eat. No matter what you say, (you can say no, and/or I am not hungry as many times as you want!), it makes no difference. Even if you say I’m not hungry, they’ll say ‘well, I made this, you can’t waste food!’ Yes, god forbid you put it in a bowl, cover it & save it for tomorrow… Or they’ll say they made it for me….ok, well, save it for tomorrow. After I got off of school, they had almost a whole meal made FOR me, than I was expected to go home & have dinner at home…Then, at home, there’s a big dinner as well…It’s a no win situation. So, like we agreed upon, it was not completely our fault.

It felt good to have an honest conversation that toes did not get stepped on. Neither of us were rude or uncivil or belittling. With other people in my family, I feel like I can’t talk to them about a majority of things because this person gets VERY protective & defensive, & combative, & doesn’t always stop to think of a way to say something to not come off as offensive, or think of the tone they are saying that in so as to not offend the person they are talking to, then acts like they’re all innocent & can’t figure out for the life of them why the person got offended. Yes, it was the truth, BUT the way they delivered it wasn’t in the greatest fashion. Take me for example. I am overweight, I need to loose weight, I know I need to loose weight. Said person would turn to me, & harshly tell me ‘You need to loose weight.’ Well, THANK you for clarifying that! And telling me something I don’t already know! BUT, I am not the only person in the family who is overweight & who needs to loose weight. God forbid you say that back to this person! That’ll start an argument right quick. Instead of saying that we all need to loose weight in a more caring way, they decide to try to offend me & make me act all offensive. Then, go from that to someone else I live with who will talk your ear off, as well as every other body part you can think of. Then, from this person, you will get the spiel of a lifetime. You’ll get the ‘We all need to loose weight, I am not talking to only you, I know I have to too. We all need to go out for a walk, even if it’s only down the street & back, as long as we get out & walk.’ THEN, everything falls flat. Not only are we not eating better, but we’re also not going walking…well, at least not that person! I am here & there, but at least its something! The last time me & 1 other person went for a small walk, this person was supposed to go with us, made it about 1/4 of the way, then turned & went back…but if I were to do that, I would NEVER hear the end of it! How come I didn’t walk? That’s why I am so overweight, because I don’t exercise, blah blah blah. But, anyone else does that? not a word! Then, when the other person asks us to go on a walk with them, person #2 (the yapper) looks at me, smacks me on the arm, & says go ahead….UHHH…you can go too! You’re the one who’s always saying we need to get out & exercise, eat better & all that…but then, you don’t go for a walk, don’t make any move to get better food, make better choices…& then, they are THE FIRST 1 to nominate YOU  to go for a walk every darn time! Even if you’re sick, or have a bad stomach ache & have to stay near the bathroom. THEN, you call them out on it, then oh it’s hilarious, they were just making a joke…ha ha ha! SOOOO hilarious!

And then, there is the aunt! I don’t know what is with her lately, but it is really annoying! Yesterday, she was pissed off over EVERY single thing that crossed her path! God forbid there are dishes in the sink, the dishwasher is broken, then there isn’t enough silverware for her liking, or she’s pissed because there isn’t a towel in the kitchen, or the towel in the bathroom is on the wrong hook (according to her-but it isn’t her house!), or the garbage can is JUST about full, & noone took it out…Well, hello idiot!! FIX IT! Clean the dishes yourself! Fix the goddamn dishwasher your damn self! Then, a talk amongst grownups (with her assumed to be a grown up) turned to sex…oh my goodness! She came into the house, completely grossed out because they were talking about sex…She was seriously acting like a 12-year-old little girl about sex…or any topic NEAR sex (tampons is another subject) & she turns into a naive pre-teen. It just baffles me that, despite the fact that she is almost in her mid 60’s, she is still a virgin, never had a boyfriend, (only been on a couple of dates), never pleasured herself, & probably has only been chicken peck kissed maybe once or twice. Oh, but you talk to her & she knows all this stuff…yeah, just start talking about sex stuff, & she can & will prove herself wrong! I just do not get how, in her situation (being a naive virgin, has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never pleasured herself), she hasn’t done any of that stuff. She’s only been on a few dates. A friend of hers invited her to a pleasure party-completely surprised me when she told me, as I knew what it was-& I asked her if she was going? She said yes, it sounded fun…I swear, I looked at her & laughed. My dad did as well. Even HE knew what it was!!! She asked us what we were laughing about, I asked her back if she was planning about buying anything. She gave me a clueless look, & asked what she would buy. I asked her why she would go to a party like that when she can even talk about sex…She gaped at me, & asked what a pleasure party had to do with sex…I looked at her & asked her flat out if she knew what a pleasure party was, then we had to explain it to her…She also swears up & down that she used tampons before & that they didn’t work on her…come to find out that she just took the tampon & applicator out of the package, put it in like that & didn’t eject the tampon out of the applicator…so they kept slipping out of her…well, DUH!!! For your information, I am rolling my eyes over here & shaking my head. Her stupidity & naivette seem to know no bounds…

Anyway, this was going to be a shorter post, but I guess I got carried away…again…Hope you all have a great night!