Archive | August, 2015

Other People’s Issues…

29 Aug

So, here I am again, complaining about things in my life. Only this time-I can’t do anything about it, it isn’t really about me-it has to do with me, but it isn’t me directly. I am so irked over someone I work with. We work together for around 10 hours a day, in a somewhat stressful situation, & what makes it MORE stressful is that this person is edgy, impatient & tense ALL the time. And, in our job, you don’t want to be that way, as it only causes more troubles. Well, add to that me working with this person for such big chunks of time, & then I am turning into a stressed out, tense person too, which I don’t want to be, & I try not to be, but it gets SO very hard when I am with this person all day, pretty much every day. I feel like there is no break from this mood. I really wish this person would get help. This person has been to their regular doctor, who has given them a referral to go see a specialist, but this person has not yet even called into the specialist, nor has the parental figure done that. Not like the person isn’t old enough to do that themselves, but either way, it still hasn’t been done. This person is saying that they’re not sure how long they’re going to be going to see the specialist, & they’d rather not go for a few visits then have to stop. At this point, a few visits is better than nothing! That’s a few visits more than they’ve been to now!! Plus, that few visits could do wonders, & it could open the door to something better. Who knows what might happen? For your sanity, wouldn’t you go? I know I would…

I can’t even begin to explain what is going on with this person. I know I only see this person’s actions, & attitude from the outside-I have no idea what is going on in this person’s head, or what is making them act the way they do or do some of the things they do. This person is paranoid (to the point of them thinking that people are going to call the authorities on them because they could be perceived as driving too fast down the road, when they’re only doing the speed limit, or them thinking that they ran into or over a person or animal when they went all the way over to the other side of a 1 lane road to avoid said person or animal…things like that), then this person has small fits if you will of rage (where they’re working, & all of a sudden, they’re angry, you ask them whats wrong-nothings wrong, you tell them to calm down, they have a sharp comeback saying that so & so was doing this, & basically acting like they HAD to get angry with the person…), then, god forbid somebody behind them makes a right turn & starts going the same way we go (for all we know, they could have to go in the same general direction as us, but they’re not following us.) or god forbid somebody has a weird look on their face as we’re passing by them or something…then they’ll get paranoid thinking they did something wrong to piss off that person making the weird face, when in all reality, maybe you just looked at them at an awkward moment & that’s the face they were making. There’s so many things that could easily be explained away that this person gets paranoid & gets their undies in a knot over, or this person will go 5 blocks out of their way just to make sure the person behind them isn’t following them, or make sure that they don’t find out where this person lives. I get being cautious, I am very cautious myself. But, the way this person acts makes me look VERY lax.

It is VERY taxing both working & being around this person constantly. I hate to say that, because I wouldn’t want this person NOT to be in my life, BUT like I said, it is very hard & taxing to always be around this person. I don’t know what I can do about this person. I can’t just call & make an appointment at a specialists office for them, I am not a specialist myself so I can help them there. I consider myself to be a very even tempered & easy person, it takes a lot for me to snap, BUT, I feel like my demeanor is different around this person, like all that easy, even tempered-ness just flies out the window with this person around. I get snappy, I’m grumpy all the time, & I really don’t like it. I know it is because I am a sensitive person, & I can FEEL other peoples vibes & moods & attitudes. And this person’s attitude & moods are always grumpy & angry. I hate being & feeling like that, especially all the time! I am more the type to be happy, joking, laughing, & just in a happy & jolly mood, I’m almost never a Debbie Downer…around other people anyways. But, now I feel like I am always in that kind of a mood, & it has nothing to do with me, or anything to do with my life necessarily, it’s just this other person’s vibes that get me that way, THEN it’s like I’ve been pulled to their bad mood.

I am so tired of everyone else being in a bad mood, I feel like I am in a bad mood enough on my own that I don’t need their bad moods as well!!! BUT, it is very hard to avoid this person, AND then to not work with them as well? Yeah, good luck with that. And, it’s not that this person is a bad person or anything like that, they just have issues that need to get worked through-& that is just the problem! Those issues are not getting worked through because they are not getting the help they need & deserve! I know I would LOVE to see this person happy, & I am sure THEY, themselves, would love to be happy & not have to worry about every little thing, but I just feel like they are a lost little kitten, & are in need of some guidance. Let’s hope we can work through this…

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As Close to a Come to Jesus Moment As I’ll Ever Come…

28 Aug

So, this morning, me & a family member had a good talk…that is, a good, uninterrupted, grown up talk. AND, a real shocker here, they said the same thing that I’ve been saying for a while. We were talking about weight & wanting to loose weight, & they said that it may not have been completely our fault that we are this way. I will be the first to say that it is partly my fault, but when you are 4 years old, & a person of authority in your life is constantly telling you to eat eat eat. No matter what you say, (you can say no, and/or I am not hungry as many times as you want!), it makes no difference. Even if you say I’m not hungry, they’ll say ‘well, I made this, you can’t waste food!’ Yes, god forbid you put it in a bowl, cover it & save it for tomorrow… Or they’ll say they made it for me….ok, well, save it for tomorrow. After I got off of school, they had almost a whole meal made FOR me, than I was expected to go home & have dinner at home…Then, at home, there’s a big dinner as well…It’s a no win situation. So, like we agreed upon, it was not completely our fault.

It felt good to have an honest conversation that toes did not get stepped on. Neither of us were rude or uncivil or belittling. With other people in my family, I feel like I can’t talk to them about a majority of things because this person gets VERY protective & defensive, & combative, & doesn’t always stop to think of a way to say something to not come off as offensive, or think of the tone they are saying that in so as to not offend the person they are talking to, then acts like they’re all innocent & can’t figure out for the life of them why the person got offended. Yes, it was the truth, BUT the way they delivered it wasn’t in the greatest fashion. Take me for example. I am overweight, I need to loose weight, I know I need to loose weight. Said person would turn to me, & harshly tell me ‘You need to loose weight.’ Well, THANK you for clarifying that! And telling me something I don’t already know! BUT, I am not the only person in the family who is overweight & who needs to loose weight. God forbid you say that back to this person! That’ll start an argument right quick. Instead of saying that we all need to loose weight in a more caring way, they decide to try to offend me & make me act all offensive. Then, go from that to someone else I live with who will talk your ear off, as well as every other body part you can think of. Then, from this person, you will get the spiel of a lifetime. You’ll get the ‘We all need to loose weight, I am not talking to only you, I know I have to too. We all need to go out for a walk, even if it’s only down the street & back, as long as we get out & walk.’ THEN, everything falls flat. Not only are we not eating better, but we’re also not going walking…well, at least not that person! I am here & there, but at least its something! The last time me & 1 other person went for a small walk, this person was supposed to go with us, made it about 1/4 of the way, then turned & went back…but if I were to do that, I would NEVER hear the end of it! How come I didn’t walk? That’s why I am so overweight, because I don’t exercise, blah blah blah. But, anyone else does that? not a word! Then, when the other person asks us to go on a walk with them, person #2 (the yapper) looks at me, smacks me on the arm, & says go ahead….UHHH…you can go too! You’re the one who’s always saying we need to get out & exercise, eat better & all that…but then, you don’t go for a walk, don’t make any move to get better food, make better choices…& then, they are THE FIRST 1 to nominate YOU  to go for a walk every darn time! Even if you’re sick, or have a bad stomach ache & have to stay near the bathroom. THEN, you call them out on it, then oh it’s hilarious, they were just making a joke…ha ha ha! SOOOO hilarious!

And then, there is the aunt! I don’t know what is with her lately, but it is really annoying! Yesterday, she was pissed off over EVERY single thing that crossed her path! God forbid there are dishes in the sink, the dishwasher is broken, then there isn’t enough silverware for her liking, or she’s pissed because there isn’t a towel in the kitchen, or the towel in the bathroom is on the wrong hook (according to her-but it isn’t her house!), or the garbage can is JUST about full, & noone took it out…Well, hello idiot!! FIX IT! Clean the dishes yourself! Fix the goddamn dishwasher your damn self! Then, a talk amongst grownups (with her assumed to be a grown up) turned to sex…oh my goodness! She came into the house, completely grossed out because they were talking about sex…She was seriously acting like a 12-year-old little girl about sex…or any topic NEAR sex (tampons is another subject) & she turns into a naive pre-teen. It just baffles me that, despite the fact that she is almost in her mid 60’s, she is still a virgin, never had a boyfriend, (only been on a couple of dates), never pleasured herself, & probably has only been chicken peck kissed maybe once or twice. Oh, but you talk to her & she knows all this stuff…yeah, just start talking about sex stuff, & she can & will prove herself wrong! I just do not get how, in her situation (being a naive virgin, has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never pleasured herself), she hasn’t done any of that stuff. She’s only been on a few dates. A friend of hers invited her to a pleasure party-completely surprised me when she told me, as I knew what it was-& I asked her if she was going? She said yes, it sounded fun…I swear, I looked at her & laughed. My dad did as well. Even HE knew what it was!!! She asked us what we were laughing about, I asked her back if she was planning about buying anything. She gave me a clueless look, & asked what she would buy. I asked her why she would go to a party like that when she can even talk about sex…She gaped at me, & asked what a pleasure party had to do with sex…I looked at her & asked her flat out if she knew what a pleasure party was, then we had to explain it to her…She also swears up & down that she used tampons before & that they didn’t work on her…come to find out that she just took the tampon & applicator out of the package, put it in like that & didn’t eject the tampon out of the applicator…so they kept slipping out of her…well, DUH!!! For your information, I am rolling my eyes over here & shaking my head. Her stupidity & naivette seem to know no bounds…

Anyway, this was going to be a shorter post, but I guess I got carried away…again…Hope you all have a great night!

Motivational Speaking…?

23 Aug

Going from 1 end of the spectrum to the complete opposite is quite exhausting. I get it, I know that I am overweight. This is nothing new to me, as I have been for 99% of my life. I’ve gotten teased about my weight for longer than I care to remember, I’ve only had 1 boyfriend who wasn’t the model boyfriend (I feel lucky to have had 1 boyfriend in my lifetime), I’ve got family members who don’t accept me because I am not obsessed with money & social standing (but that is beside the point), said family members act like they’re still in high school, & as usual, I’m the fat kid that they make fun of, I feel like I go un-noticed by anyone & everyone I come in contact with because I am overweight-they’d rather act like I’m not there than acknowledge me or my presence. Then, there are the friends of mine & some family members that are happy to see me, the fact that I am there makes their day! It doesn’t matter what I look like, what I say (or what I say wrong, as I seem to have a knack for that too), what I do, or whatever else there is…the fact is that I showed up.

It is hard, knowing that I have to loose weight, but the people I am surrounded by don’t seem to care. Or, rather, they DO care, they just don’t care enough to really do anything about it. I don’t make enough money that I can pay all my bills, AND buy my own food. If that were the case, I’d buy my own food & eat my food & probably loose weight. I want to loose weight,  I am on board for that, BUT like I said, the people I live with don’t seem to be up for the change or the challenge. They’re either jabbing at me that I need to loose weight (in a rude way of course, like I’m some errant child who isn’t listening), or they’re giving me 1 of those pep talks that lasts 3 days straight, where they are sitting there, talking at me about needing to get out & exercise, watch what we eat, oh but we ALL need to do it, not just me, not just them, then they’ll move 1 word forward, then it goes back to we all need to do it, not just me, not just them, 1 word forward, then we all need to do it blah blah blah. I GET IT! I am on board with you, LET’S DO IT!!! I am ready to loose weight, I know it won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it!! I am tired of talking about it, of them talking about it, of them lashing out at me about it, but then that’s as far as it ever goes!!! They talk about it, or blow up at me about it then do nothing to change it! It is all talk & no action to back it up!

I’ve been working on eating less, & trying to exercise-I will admit, the exercise part has been a little hard to come by due to this extreme heat we’ve been having (I don’t do well in the heat period), as well as the extended hours at work. BUT I HAVE BEEN TRYING! 1 of the other people I live with has been getting out & walking, which is a start, as well as sort of being on a diet. But this is also the person that won’t say anything to me, won’t say anything to me, then blow up at me about loosing weight. I consider myself to be an open person, you can come up to me & be honest with me, & I won’t take it personally or won’t get offended…however, if you come up to me, & are noticeably criticizing me & jumping down my throat about it, I am going to be less inclined to go along with you than if you come up to me & talk to me rationally & calmly & non acusatorily about it! Plus, if you come at me like that, accusatorily, then I WILL get offended & fight back! Don’t come at me with guns blazing, & accusing me & blaming me for things. Especially if you want me to be agreeable & positively responsive about it! If you want me to be as asset, be honest, don’t be rude! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t take too well to that rude kind of honest where you’re just coming off as condescending or something like that, but if you come to me & talk to me compassionately, I will respond better.

On the other hand, don’t talk my ear off period. Furthermore, don’t talk my ear off about something like this, & saying that we all have to change our eating habits, what we eat, how much we eat etc., & how we all have to exercise, & then do nothing about it! I am ready for a change, I know a change needs to be made, I am doing the best with what I have, just because you don’t see it doesn’t meant I am not doing it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. When the sun sets here, it goes to the other side of the world to bring them another day, just because you don’t SEE it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening or doesn’t happen! Just because you don’t SEE me go out for a walk, or I don’t say I am going for a walk, or SEE me eating less at dinner, doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything!

I am not sure what else I can say or do that could make a difference in this situation. It was brought up to my attention that I should maybe breach the subject with the people I live with…Just say hey, I know we all have to loose weight, exercise, & I am on board with that. I will try that. It was also stated that I do tend to get offended easily, which I know I do, but in this case, I feel like it is not completely my fault in this, & should I be blamed for it? If someone comes at you, guns blazing (figuratively speaking) basically saying you need to loose weight RIGHT NOW (like it’s that easy to just drop the weight right then & there…) in an almost accusatory tone & fashion, how am I supposed to take it? I know these people care about me, & that they are only trying to do it for my benefit, BUT, these people have known me for a very long time, they know that if they come at me like that, that I will resist them, I will defy them. I get it that they want to be honest with me, & that is ok, just don’t come at me with criticism, or accusing or attacking me. I feel like it’d go SO much better if we could truly be honest with each other in a decent, gentle, polite, & respectful way so no feelings get hurt or trampled, & where everyone gets a say. I feel like ever body should be heard from, & not immediately discredited on the spot, as well as respected & not feel like they’re being attacked or like they would be attacked if they were to bring up a subject. This, also, might be a good thing to bring up with the people I live with…

Anyway, I feel like I’ve worked through my feelings & thoughts on this, wish me luck on the big life altering task I am about to embark on.

It’s Not Me, It Is YOU!

16 Aug

So, I’ve been stewing on this for a bit over a week, but REALLY stewing over something all day today, as the situation had gotten worse. AND it wasn’t me, or anything *I* did! Someone I know had received some…not bad news, but not necessarily good news, & it was very shocking, both to them & to *us* as a family. And it is sparking some serious changes in all our lives that needed to be done a long time ago-We need to change how we eat, what we eat & how much we eat & lose weight. I get it, I want to do it, we all need to do it.

First bullet point is someone I live with, not the above mentioned person, keeps saying that ‘we all have to lose weight, & [they’re] not just talking to & about [me].’ They keep saying that it is not just me, or pointed at me, BUT I am the 1 that this person is talking directly to, or at. AND nothing changes! We still eat dinner late, we still eat bad food, we still don’t exercise, AND they STILL talk AT me about this. They CLAIM they’re not blaming me or saying it just to me, but they’re looking RIGHT AT ME, noone else in the room, they’re talking TO me, NOT to anyone else in the room. And still, nothing changes, nothing gets done. I don’t have much money, I don’t do the shopping for the people who live here, I help sometimes with dinner, but otherwise I have no say in what we have, yet they act like it is all  my fault that we eat bad food, that we eat so late. I feel like this person IS talking JUST to me on this, even though they say they’re not! So, I naturally get defensive on it, because they keep talking TO ME about it, AND NOT doing anything about it!

Second bullet point is the above mentioned person hearing about the not so good news…& more precisely, how they’re dealing with it. So, HOW are they dealing with it? You ask…They’re taking it out on EVERY body else. Anybody who is here at the house, they have been lashing out at, & being a very unlikeable person to be around. They’ve been VERY combative & argumentative with EVERY BODY! They’ve been proverbially hitting everyone when they’re down. Not to say the rest of us are down, but this person is acting like it, & just keeps the blows coming at any cost. And this news that this person received…has nothing to do with anybody else but that person, it wasn’t anything we did to this person that caused this!! Granted, this was scary news, & this person is understandably scared by this news, BUT it has nothing to do with anything any of the rest of us did! It’s not like we crashed the family car or anything like that! Yet, the constant lashing out & the general MEAN-ness of the lashing out is making it very hard to live in this house! I have spent most of yesterday & pretty much all of today avoiding & being away from this person-even going so far as to lock myself in my room alone JUST so I don’t get bashed on by this person! I have enough issues to deal with on my own without having to deal with being bashed while I am in my own living room. I know I have to loose weight, I know I have to start exercising more, I know I have to eat better…I have to clean my cluttered up room, I have to go through said clutter & get rid of a lot of it, I have bills to pay, I have to look for a new car, I have to work, find a new job, keep things up at the jobs I am at right now…the list goes on & on! I could just scream from having so much to do! But you don’t see me lashing out at everybody I am around. I feel personally attacked by this person, & before you say it, I know-it’s obviously not just me. I see that, I see that it is being done to everyone, but it still hurts. I am trying, & then I get this? I get verbally beat up on, talked shit about RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, basically said I am not doing anything, said person basically saying that they are not being listened to, & that THEY are the victims in this whole scenario? Ok, YES, I’ll give it to them that they got some bad news, BUT it’s not like they were told that they were going to die a horrible painful death within 24 hours. Yes, this news they got opened up a can of worms of what if’s, & what needs to be done, & does this need to be done, & how soon, & god knows how many other questions could be asked in this situation. However, yesterday, they did receive some better news that was basically saying that the first news bomb was an over-reaction, & was basically a worst case scenario. In the last week, it’s been a slow burn of the lashing out, but in the last 2 days (yesterday & today), it has gotten SO much worse. I don’t know why because they received a reprieve-they were told it wasn’t as doom & gloom as first was thought. Not exactly  a ‘throw a party to end all parties’ type of news, but better news than the first set of news. You’d think they’d at least be a little relieved that it wasn’t as bad as originally thought, granted things still need to change, but it is now nowhere near the worst case scenario that was originally presented!

I get it that this person was scared & worried, BUT WHY take it out on everyone around you? If all you want is to be alone, there are a lot of EASIER ways to do that, AND ways that DON’T HURT ANYBODY ELSE in the process. In talking to someone who has known this person for a lot longer than me, it was mutually brought our attention (we both were thinking of other big bomb news items that were brought up to said person in the past, & noticed a pattern) that any time said person received big bad news, said person would get like this & lash out at everyone as a kind of coping mechanism. I feel like this person almost preys upon myself as well as a couple other close people to us BECAUSE we are the perfect prey-we take offense to it, we get all flustered & upset, we let it get us down & so on, rather than other people who just let it roll right off & not affect them & proverbially shoot an arrow right between their eye & say this is whats really bothering you & that is ok, let’s move through this, we’ll get through this. Rather than pointing out to this person that ‘this’ is what’s bothering you, lets solve this problem, it’s not so bad, we get pushed back & pushed back & end up getting hurt. Granted, we don’t turn our backs on this person either because I know for me, I know that this person is hurting or worried, & that is just how they show it, (not that that is an excuse) but I will stick with this person through this tough time & help out when & where I can. That is what family is for…at least in my book…that obviously is not in everyone else’s book…

Anyway…I think I’ve talked all your ears off for a bit…

What Did I Do Wrong This Time…?

15 Aug

In sets the deep depression & isolation. I don’t even know why, but I just had that nagging feeling that while I was out of the room, my sisters were talking about me. I’d love to say that they are my sisters & they would never, but this is me we are talking about. I get the very distinct feeling that noone in my family likes me, that they just put up with me so as to not make waves or because they are related to me, so they HAVE to put up with me. As I have stated before, a few people on 1 side of the family DEFINITELY do not like me & they make their feelings known…at least to me. They’ve  made it abundantly clear that they do not want me around, so I wonder what they say about me behind my back, both to each other (as they all live together) as well as to the rest of the family. I just feel like I would be better off just leaving, & starting new someplace else as somebody new, have a new identity, become a new person. I am sure I would succumb to the same insecurities that I have now, but who knows? I may not.

I feel like everyone else is all buddy-buddy, they do things together, they have each other’s cell phone #’s,  they worry about whether my sisters are there, & if they’re not, then when WILL they be there? And if they’re not coming than why not? They are so very unhappy if my sisters don’t show up, but they pretty much ignore me. Like thank you very much, I showed up, I came! I am here! And they all but act like I am not there…so why do I show up? Why should I be there? Noone even notices that I am there, they all walk around me like I am a coffee table, like I’m just a piece of furniture-I’m there but they move around me like I am an inanimate object. So why bother? It’s not like they will notice that I am not there…So, why go through all of the trouble? Why go through the time to get myself ready, pick out an outfit that they won’t gawk out TOO much, make sure my makeup is put on 100% perfectly, make sure my hair is done up & not a hair is out of place? Why do I keep putting myself through this? I honestly do not have an answer for that. I like most of my family (except above stated members that do not like me & have not been nice to me), & I HOPE they like me in return, but I am just not sure. I kind of want to know what they REALLY think of me, but then I kind of don’t. I would like to know where I stand with them, what is going through their minds as they see me, what they really think of me when I am truly being me (because the looks the above mentioned members give me when I say something, & sometimes 1 of my sisters as well, is a look 1 would give a lepper who walked up to the queen of England & joined the conversation…I wish I was joking, but I am not.). That look is what I consider ‘THE’ look…& I seem to get that look a lot. Which only has me asking, yet again, why do I go? Why do I show up? Why do I keep putting myself through this? And that is why I say I get the distinct feeling that they don’t like me & wouldn’t notice if I was gone.

I feel like the only people who really would miss me are either gone (as in no longer among the living) or have dementia, or are too far away & I don’t get to see them much. I know when I was having all that trouble with my gall bladder, some of those people who are now too far away to come visit had come over for christmas, & had missed me then, as well as calling my mom & asking after me. It saddens me that I am left with family members who would rather not have me there, while the family members who really cared about me & made me feel important & wanted are either no longer with us, have dementia and or are too far away to come visit. I don’t know where I seem to have gone wrong. On 1 note, you’re told to be yourself & if someone doesn’t like you the way you are, then they weren’t meant to be in your life…well, what if this person is related to you? Then what? I am sure they MEANT friends & acquaintances, not family, but doesn’t that still apply? In a way, I guess it does, but it sure as heck doesn’t dull the pain any, if anything it makes it worse, because that is your family! That is your flesh & blood, & even THEY are rejecting you!

And there is no way out unless you leave permanently, just ex-communicate yourself from them. That is why I say I would really like to just up & disappear. Become somebody completely different, someplace else. I would miss quite a few things. I would definitely miss said family members who had dementia, & my nephews. That also has me thinking-I would miss them terribly, but would they remember me? And if they did, HOW would they remember me? Would they remember that I loved them will all of my heart? Or would I just be some ghost of a memory, like a shadow in the back of a few of their memories? And then when they ask about me, would my sister, the rest of my family, cover up my existence? Just act like I was a figment of their imagination? Or worse yet, say that I was this horrible person? That I was their crazy aunt who just left them? Would they ask where I was? Would they notice I was gone? Would they miss me? By far, the thought of leaving them & never being able to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives, hurts far worse than anything else. That right there has the power to have me in a fetal position & balling my eyes out like there is no tomorrow. The thought of not being a part of their lives, & them not remembering me hurts me so much I literally have to make myself think of something else before I have a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

I sometimes think of the mark we leave on others as well as the mark they leave on us. Like, I remember 1 of our old neighbors who was probably certifiably crazy. Or another neighbor that I always had a weird feeling about, who years later I found out was a perv, like I always suspected. Or a little old Italian man who rode his bicycle around everywhere in his younger days, & his wife who made the BEST homemade applesauce. Or the girl down the street who had no fear. Or the old man down the street who was always yelling at me & the neighborhood kids to go home to where we really lived, that we didn’t belong there on his block, that we didn’t live on that block. Or how about how you met certain people in your lives? Like the kid who lives across the street from you? Or the one down the block? How they were all about the same age as you, maybe they were being taken care of by their grandmother, & the 2 of you started a conversation across the street? And maybe they had a brother about the same age as well as 2 cousins who were also always over there? Or maybe you marched up to the neighbor & just introduced yourself? I am not sure if any of these stories are things anyone else would remember about me or anyone else, that is to say if they were really something that happened, or just some random thought of how somebody could have met anyone else. This could’ve happened to me, could’ve happened to any one of you reading this. I am not sure if anyone would remember anything about me, other than the obvious 1st thing you’d see upon looking at me, or if you already know me, the way that I act. I am not sure if anything would stick with you, good or bad, or just plain weird.

Lack of Downtime…

9 Aug

Oy vay! What a week! It really wasn’t THAT bad, just a bunch of little things happening or going wrong that just kept that dark cloud above my head. It’s at times like this when I have to keep telling myself that I have survived. That can sure seem like a daunting task at just that.

Between a co-worker going on vacation for 5 days, to a big appliance taking a turn for the worse, to boys being boys, to another co-worker being very agitated, edgy, & impatient all the time-& with the other co-worker being on vacation, only made them all the more worse. Then, I feel like I put in an extra day today with all the stuff that was going on, on top of someone pretty much throwing a hissy fit over a simple small task that they apparently don’t do well…*rolls eyes* everyone else was busy, & they were throwing a hissy fit over them not wanting to do something! AND they are retirement age, not toddler aged-where you’d expect that kind of behavior.

I just feel like I am in a very melancholy mood. Suddenly (again I might add), people around me are going on a diet & exercise kick. I get it, I know I have to loose weight, & I am trying, honestly I am. But it is pretty darned hard when everyone else around me isn’t, & they don’t have the healthiest food stocked in the house, & I don’t make enough money to get my own food. But yet, they keep harping on me that we ‘all’ need to eat healthier, eat less, exercise…they SAY they are not only talking to only me or about only me, that they are including themselves as well. But, seriously, it comes off as they are doing just that…I feel attacked, like I have to defend myself at every turn, like I have to defend every little thing I do, right down to breathing air, & blinking my eyes, & swallowing my saliva. I feel like asking where were they when my grandma kept telling me to eat eat eat when I was 4 years old, when I kept telling her I was full. So much of my childhood was spent with my grandparents, which, don’t get me wrong, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, because there was a lot of love, but there was also a lot of them feeding me, & then I wasn’t allowed to go visit my friends houses when I was with them (if my friends wanted to play, they were always welcomed during the day to come to my grandparents house), & I most definitely could NOT spend the night at their houses-but it was ok for me to spend the night at my grandparents house. And, I couldn’t go anywhere without them, like me & a friend or group of friends couldn’t go for a walk around the block, or ride our bikes to a friends house for the afternoon, or go to the mall or to a store in town. I considered my childhood as fun, I didn’t have a bad time, but that being said, I didn’t have much freedom when I was with my grandparents. There were times where I was at home with my parents, & I loved this time, because I could ride my bike up & down my street with my friends, I was allowed to go play with my friends across the street, down the street, & a couple of blocks away-& I was even allowed to ride my bike alone to go to their house. I was allowed to have a sleep over (obviously on weekends), & allowed to go to sleepovers…I was basically allowed the freedom that my grandparents didn’t let me have. Within reason of course-I knew better than to just leave & not tell anyone where I was going (AND I knew better than to lie period, let alone lie about where I was going). I knew enough to be responsible, & I did have limits with my parents as well.

Another point, a bit off topic, but kind of on topic was that with my grandparents & my aunt, there was no privacy. We all knew when my aunt had her period, where she was going & when. She never drove out of town herself-if she had an appointment  out of town, or even an appointment in town, my grandparents would drive her. Everybody was all up in everybody else’s business, right down to when they were going to the bathroom. A real monkey wrench in their system was the fact that I wasn’t theirs & that my other grandma & other family members (& friends as well) would want to do things with me apart from that set of grandparents. It was like they couldn’t handle not having that complete control. Another monkey wrench? (just an FYI, this will be an overshare, so if you are in any way squeamish, or have don’t have a strong stomach, please continue down to the next paragraph) The fact that I used tampons. Oh my word! You’d think I committed the ultimate sin by using tampons! Oh that would get them in SUCH a tizzy! I honestly think a lot of what drove me to REALLY use them (other than the obvious reasons of the freedom from having to worry if you are leaking or staining through at any & every move) was the fact that it got them so worked up! I guess that was my rebellious streak.

Anyway, I guess I just really value my downtime, my time alone, where I can just veg out on my computer, or play a game, or watch a movie or tv show either on my computer or on my tv, or just read, or just plain ole do whatever I want to at the moment. Just a serene block of time for me to just chill & relax from the crazy hectic week…Anyway, here is to starting a new chapter in my life…

Mindless Rambling…

7 Aug

I am not sure where this is going yet. I was inspired to write this from a post of a friend of mine. I haven’t seen this friend in a very long time, she used to live down the street from me. It got me to thinking about all the people who come in & go out of our lives on a daily basis, whether it be a consensual choice, or a choice that has been made by an outside force, it doesn’t matter. I find it weird (in a good way) how people can come & go in our lives…how some ‘friends’ easily breeze in & breeze right back out again without a second thought or concern. It is weird how some people come into your life & become so special that you don’t think you can live without them, then how quickly it changes to how you can’t live with them.

How ironic is it that someone who claims to be your best friend will ignore you in your time of need, who would make almost complete plans with you then ignore your calls & texts to finalize said plans at the last minute leaving you hanging at the last minute-while hanging out with your other best friends & talking bad about you behind your back. Instead of being a good friend, & finding happiness in a time of your friends life when a happy memory is being made, they find the need to negatively judge both the person as well as their actions. So, instead of being happy for the person, they bring everyone around them down. They, also, can’t seem to live without drama-if there isn’t any, they will create their own. If your world does not completely revolve around them, they will ignore you as a form of punishment for the foreseeable future. Then, out of the blue, when you least expect it, up pops the weasel, so to speak. There is, also, those friends who you can go long periods of time without talking to, then run into them & it is just like old times. Time & distance mean nothing.

I’m not sure how this got sidetracked into more bad than good again, but I am trying to be happy, trying to live, for me. It gets really hard for chunks of time, but I am trying. I am trying to fill my life with good people-in some instances, I have no choice, as some people are related by blood to me. Not to go off on a bad tangent again, but some of my family members are not the people I would choose to be friends with if I had the choice. But the fact remains that they are related to me by blood. Why do I put myself through this? When I could so easily just not go to family functions? Because I respect the rest of the family, & I love being around the rest of the family that much more that I deal with it for them.  So, it is the many ups & downs of life. Things could be worse, things could be better…Life keeps chugging along, best to make the best of the hand you’ve been dealt. Night all, hope you all have a nice night!