Dreams…

 To start with, I had a rather disturbing dream this morning…The dream entailed 2 people who aren’t in my life anymore, trying to get back into my life. We agreed to meet at a local store to browse, then go grab dinner…I showed up, waited for hours for them, finally tiring of waiting, & feeling like I’d been duped, & was going to leave, when one of them came up & said that I couldn’t leave, that they were trying to make it up to me. I was in the process of leaving, I woke up. I feel like I can only get so far away from this, that I feel like I’m making headway, like I might be about to move on, BAM! It comes back to bit me in the a$$. And now, I’m back down that trail…I’m back to thinking I’m this horrible person, that no one can ever love me, that I’m ugly, that I have a black heart, that I say & do the wrong things all the time. How & why do I think like this? Because certain influential people in my life who are themselves the ugly ones, have told me & treated me like *I* was the bad person, like *I* was the black sheep of the family. I know this may be a cop out, & that I shouldn’t use that as an excuse for how I act towards & think of myself. I agree, I shouldn’t be doing any of that. I wish it was as easy as shutting off a switch, but it is not. And, once I start going down that road, it’d like being in a go cart with no brakes at the top of a San Francisco hill street, & gravity has taken hold, & started the wheels a-moving…There just is no stopping the train on a fast paced trip on its way to derailment. One bad thought turns into 2…bleeds into more & more bad thoughts, & snowballs out of control. And, once I start down that road, there’s no straying from the course, & it consistently gets worse…there is no turning back, no easy way out, no turning around, no detours of any sort, no magic switch to turn it off. So, that being said, that dream threw me for a loop right off the bat. And, I don’t know how to translate that dream. Should I take it in a good thing, as a sign to move on, that I’m never going to fully get closure where one is concerned, & by association the ex as well, since the ex is best friends with my ex best friend…because that isn’t confusing or anything. As time has passed, & I have had some time to think…some of my ex’s attitude towards me seems to shout (high from a high tower…) that his loyalties completely lay with my ex-BFF. He wanted to stay friends, & I thought *I* would be the one to have issues with that. But, surprisingly enough, I was the one who had less of a problem then he did. For the first bit of time after the break up, it was as if I did not exist. Between the both of them, I was completely invisible. Then, out of the blue, he came up & talked to me. And acted like we were old friends. Then, when we had to part ways, I mentioned I would text him later, then he got all squirly & nervous, said that we couldn’t text, with no reason why we couldn’t…then things went back to me being invisible, & the 2 of them back to acting normal again. Back & forth, over & over again. It was tiring. Finally, I had a talk with him about it, saying it wasn’t cool, that if he wanted to be my friend, ok, that I had agreed to that, but I most certainly did NOT agree this back & forth he was playing with me. I was honest, & said if he changed his mind, & didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, that was ok with me too, that it’d hurt, but that he had to be honest with me about it, either way, but he had to be consistent-if he wanted to be friends still, then keep is that way, & if he didn’t then let me know & we’ll stay that way. He said he still wanted to be friends, & for the most part he was. Then, this whole coronavirus hit, & I am no longer working with either of them…my ex-bff texted me once to ask how I was…which completely shocked me, & never answered me back when I asked how she was doing. He texted me for a bit…claimed he wasn’t easy to scare off, but hasn’t talked to me since. Granted, yes, the argument that I could text him as well is very valid. I could…BUT, I am putting this out there…should I always be the one to initiate a conversation? If we are in fact friends, it should not fall to just one of those people to always be the one to start a conversation. 

Then, a little while ago, in talking with another friend, this friend mentioned that a parent of said friend saw our ex-BFF, & the ex-BFF didn’t know why said friend was mad at her. Not to put too fine a point on it, or to sound spiteful, but now they know how it feels. One day at work, everything was fine, then the next day, the ex-BFF stopped talking to me, wouldn’t look at me…like *I* did something wrong. When, in reality, this person was going through a tough time, a lot of rocks were popping up to trip this person up. I get it, life happens, there’s ups & downs, BUT, you don’t just stop talking to one of your best friends, & cut them out of your life like they meant nothing. Yes, everyone is entitled to handle things in their own way, but to just shut out a friend…for good, & not explain why? Not tell them whats going on, say you don’t want to talk about it further right now, but here’s a heads up, & that they’ll be MIA for a while, while they are working through everything? This person & I have been friends for almost 25 years…YEARS! NOT months, not days, not hours, minutes, or seconds! As a friend, I care about this person…while it isn’t the same kind of care as one would care for a boyfriend or husband, or a true family member, but it was akin to how one would care for a family member. I would understand if you were going through a lot & needed time, AND CAME TO ME AND TOLD ME THE TRUTH AT THE BEGINNING. This friend was the friend that I went to, to get a 1000% (yes, 1000%) honest answer, even the one’s that I don’t want to hear. 

I am not sure what I ever did to deserve this…times 3. I was broken up with not once, but TWICE in a months time, stayed friends with him, but even that didn’t last, then lost another friend right before that. With as much as I’d love to trust people again, that won’t happen easily again. With as much as I’d love to give myself to another person, to give my heart to another person, I just can’t..I want to believe…I want to believe that everyone deserves to have that special someone in their life…I believed with all that I am that this last ex that I had was that one special someone, & that I somehow messed that up by being myself, by choosing love & caring, & now I am left alone, left to turn into one of those old bitties with 20 cats…