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So, It’s Here Again…

30 Nov

So, the depression is here again in full force. Do you ever feel like a failure? Or maybe you just don’t belong in your own family or friends circle? Or that every move you make, every thing you say is being scrutinized, & you are coming up lacking or worse, coming up as being ‘that’ family member or friend that is just so weird? You get ‘those’ looks from your fam &/or friends that clearly states that they think you are totally weird, & just wish you would excuse yourself. Then, there is the accompanying ‘oh yeah sure’, or ‘oh ok’s’ that you get, in that condescending way that they both look at you & talk to you. But, then, you try to appease them, & go to leave, then they’re all like ‘no, you don’t have to leave…where are you going? We want you to stay…’ Uh huh….that look you JUST gave me, & what you JUST said to me says you want me to leave even more than you want me to stay. In my world, I start getting that feeling like you’re being looked at by the whole room, or you walk into a room & it gets quiet…like you were just being talked about, & boom, there you are, so all conversations cease. Yeah, I didn’t notice that at all, & with that, I am gone! When I get that feeling, almost like I am unwelcome, or that they’d rather not have me there, I wonder what would happen if I just up & snuck out? Like I was there, then all of a sudden I was gone. I wonder IF anyone would notice? It is more probable that my disappearance would go unnoticed than if I asked how long it’d take for my absence to be noticed.

So often, I wonder how much of an impact I am making on people by being here? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few people I love beyond my insecurities that I am sticking around for. But, I wonder if I am doing them any good by being in their lives? Am I affecting them in a positive way? When I AM gone, will they look back with fond, happy memories?¬† Or will their memories of me be stained with embarrassment because I was the weird one? And I was the one that always said & did the weird things. I have never felt like I have been FULLY accepted by…anyone. I feel like my family puts up with me because they are my family, & that most of my friends are my friends because they feel sorry for me or something. I don’t have a significant other, that is another thing that seems to elude me. It makes me feel even MORE unlovable that I already feel. I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Like there’s those people that know exactly what to say at exactly the right time, know exactly what to do in any situation…I guess you could say they are well bred if you will, not necessarily that they are rich or high class or anything, they’re just those perfect types of person. Then, there are the country bumpkin types that were raised in a barn-leaving doors open, wearing all types of wrong clothes, saying the wrong things….I feel like that is me, but that I am even a loner in that group as well, like even THEY’VE shunned me too. It is at times like this that I wonder why I just don’t get in contact with one of those witness protection programs & talk to them about getting a new identity somewhere else. Just become someone completely new in a new town. Obviously, it wouldn’t be witness protection, but just a new start. In a series of fictional romance novels I am reading, this motorcycle club helps people out with that kind of stuff. Sometimes I sure wish I could find something like that. They’re set in an east coast state (fictionally obviously) where a friend of mine has family, SOOOO if it were real, that option would probably be out for me because they know me. Sometimes, I would just love to know that I have a happily ever after. That all this crap I am going through, have gone through, all the ups & downs in my life, everything, isn’t for nothing, that there is a purpose for me. I feel like I am always giving, & that there is nothing more for me, that nobody notices everything that I am doing & do….do. Do certain people REALLY realize that the services I give are free, that everything I have done for the last almost 6 years have been with love? The care I have given to 2 special little people in my life isn’t like any kind of care they’d receive from anyone else? I love those 2 little people, as well as a couple other little people, like they are my own-the love runs that deep! I would not be able to survive without any of them-just the thought is unbearable! I guess you might say they are my reason for living, for why I am still here, but sometimes I don’t feel like it is truly appreciated. I just want to feel special, to feel loved. I don’t always feel that from the people around me. That is where the whole disappearing thing comes up. I know I would be miserable without a few people in my life, but sometimes I feel like I’d be able to deal with it just to allow others to gain perspective-the perspective of life without me in it, without all the stuff that I do, just life without me in it at all. Then, thoughts wander back to the dark side-wondering if they’d miss me? Wondering if they’d think ‘oh good riddance’…wondering if they’d notice. I know they’d most likely get along just fine without me, but to JUST KNOW that they would miss me, that they’d know that I was gone, & that it’d cause a hole in their life without me being there.

I guess I’ll leave it there for right now, I feel a little bit better right now.

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Round & Round We Go…

13 Aug

Someone I know loves to play the pity party in their favor quite often…despite their claims that they don’t. They NEVER want to go anywhere, then complain that they never do anything, they’re stuck at home all the time. This person MADE that decision. There is LOTS of things that this person CAN do. They even have their own car that they can get themselves to & from things with. The only thing holding them back is themselves….oh they don’t want to do that alone *in whiny voice*. Well, don’t complain that you never do or get to do anything…YOU made the choice NOT to do it. You are a fully grown adult, capable of making your own decisions AND you have money, a license, a car, directional knowledge that can get to the places you want to go. YOU CHOSE NOT TO! End of story. Or so we think…

This person is ALWAYS dragging their feet about going to any kind of party, no matter who or what its for, or where the party is. This person is always a negative force for going out to a party. But, then, they get there, then it gets late, & we’re all ready to leave, & this person who we practically had to DRAG out of our house to go to this party suddenly doesn’t want to LEAVE. They want to stay SO bad…When we FINALLY get this person to leave, then they’re talking about going out to a bar or bars in town…then there’s a pity party because noone wants to go with them…because its midnight, we’re all tired from preparing for the party, then being at said party, & then the late hour. Then, at least one of us has to be up somewhat early the next morning because we have to work. So, excuse me, but no, I would NOT like to go out & be the only person NOT drinking at the bar, watching all the drunken idiots act like drunken idiots…Then, when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, this person turns into a petulant child & says ‘well, fine, I’ll just walk then.’ *cue dramatic eye roll & sigh here* Then, this turns into a fight…which I despise. I know it is a part of life, but it seriously gives me heartburn & an anxiety attack just thinking about it. This person isn’t a drunk, but when they do drink, they don’t realize that they can’t have as much as they used to due to a few reasons. AND they don’t see how they act when they are drunk (this can be said about a couple people in my family…) There is a very thin line for this person as to me being ok with them having some drinks, & just plain being ok, & them being an asshole. When this person crosses the line, they are mean to most everybody, & you can’t tell them what to do (like stop drinking…oh my god! There will be a world war of epic proportions!). It’s like this person suddenly is mad about the life that they have, & starts taking it out on their spouse, like it is ALL, COMPLETELY, the spouses fault. They don’t seem to think that they have done a single thing wrong. News flash-your sh*t doesn’t smell like roses either. There are some things that this person doesn’t like how the spouse does it, & is always ‘saying’ they’re going to take that over…but it is ALL talk. This person took one of the things over for ONE DAY, then it went back to the way it was before…but they still complain about it & have a problem with it, & still threatens to take it on themselves, but I don’t foresee that happening. Like I said, the last time it lasted one whole day. It is ok not to like the way someone else does something, BUT, in this case, if you want it to change, then, YOU have to take over, & give it some time. And, like this person has said, they’re so bored, they have nothing else to do…well, this could be your ticket to having something to do. Not like it will take the whole day or anything, but it will be more than what you were doing (staying home all day, watching the news ALL day long, yelling at said news on tv…) I know I WON’T be asking this person to do anything, because a close friend of ours TOLD me I was NOT to ask this person to do anything because this person is retired now, & is free to do with the time off what they want to do, especially not asking this person do to anything related to their job.

That is another thing that really annoyed me. Where does this friend get off telling me that I can’t ask this person to do anything? It is none of their business, UNLESS it is during a time that this person has set aside for the friend, like if they go on a trip or something. Even still, if they did, & something happened, I wouldn’t dream of taking this person away from their plans unless it was an absolute emergency. I would call this person, & ask what they think I should do, if it could wait till they got back, & if not, I would do what they said & take it to someone else or whatever. This friend has been acting very weird lately. A close family member was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease & has since passed away. This friend was totally taken by surprise by the diagnosis, as all of us were. I really feel for the friend, I couldn’t imagine what they’re going through. BUT, this weird behavior started before that happened with the family member. This friend got into a fight with another friend over something so stupid (they both have hearing issues, so it just got totally out of hand, then the 1 friend keeps poking the other one, figuratively speaking, & the other friend has gotten tired of it) & the close friend has been holding a grudge against this other friend, which has put ‘my’ person, as well as myself & ‘us’, in a bad position because we are friends with both people involved. Granted, we’ve been friends with the close friend a lot longer, BUT, the general consensus is that this close friend is in the wrong in the first place, as well as being in the wrong for holding a grudge, & just digging their feet in the sand about it. Like, if the close friend is over, & the other friend comes over, the close friend will make a hasty exit, or if the friend is over, & the close friend drives up & see’s their car, they will leave. One time, the close friend called the house phone FROM OUR DRIVEWAY, & asks if the friend is over, my person said yes, & the close friend said to call them when the friend leaves. The other friend said their peace to the close friend & has moved on. If the close friend is over our house or at a function that the friend is at, the friend will come on in anyway & not let the close friend dictate when & where they can show up. This friend figures, they’ve said their piece to the other close friend, it is time to move on. But, the close friend seems to want to emphasize their point & isn’t backing down on it. I’ve had friends that I have gotten into fights with, we’ve misunderstood each other, BUT, we have, also, talked about it, had each of our say’s, & worked through it. But, this close friend seems so dead set on proving some point, & isn’t going to budge an inch, SO sure that they’re right. There is, also, word around that this close friend is…not necessarily making enemies, but other friends of this close friend aren’t happy with them either. This close friend seems to be stepping on a LOT of toes, & making a lot of ‘friends’ back away. So, it’s not just me, or ‘us’ that this friend is acting weird around. One time, this friend came up to my person, & tried to start a fight (in my opinion) about something that the close friend read in a magazine, & the close friend didn’t have the specifics or anything, but it was about a topic that my person is, quite frankly, WAY beyond an expert on. It is like that meineke commercial, where the customer comes in & says their car is making a funny sound, then they try to duplicate the sound, & the mechanic says ‘oh, this is wrong with your car’, based solely on the noise the customer makes. My person does that, I kid you not! This close friend came to my person, & said that someone had taken this object, & did this to it, to which my person said no, they would do this, & it’d work. The friend said no, they left it as is, & it worked…this close friend kept arguing the point. My person asked if the friend was SURE that THAT was what they did, the friend said that they were pretty sure, & that they’d go look for the magazine again…that was about a year ago, & this friend has NOT mentioned it again. But, the friend was SO adamant that they did what this friend said, even though it made no sense for that to be done. It was like saying someone built a parking lot with 200 parking spots for a small diner that, at their busiest, would use only 50 parking spots. (and not be near anything where there would be an overflow from another lot or anything) BUT they built 200, but would only use 50…But, no, they wouldn’t do that…

Then, this close friend has a friend of the opposite sex that is living with them. I am pretty sure they are doing things between the sheets if you will. This opposite sex friend has been working in the friends yard, both at home, AND at another property this close friend owns. This ‘friend’ knows where all the expensive things that our close friend owns. This ‘friend’ used to be a druggie (& looks like it), & used to live under a bridge & was homeless. So, this I ask…WHAT THE F*ck is the friend thinking?! This friend had a dinner at their house, which was supposed to be a get-together of friends (girls/guys night…). It was supposed to be just those same sex friends, having dinner without the significant others. I guess, right as dinner was put on the table, out walks the opposite sex friend, & this friend had dinner with them & all that…My person said they were embarrassed for this friend, because NONE of the people there had invited their spouses or significant others to this dinner, with it being a gender specific dinner, while the spouses got together to hang out as well, someplace else. So, the whole evening got rather awkward. I don’t trust this ‘friend’ of our close friend. I try not to be a skeptic, or wary of anyone right off the bat-I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT, I just don’t trust this person…I can easily see this person having druggie friends who would sneak into places & steal stuff & sell it for the highest price. I would just hate to see this happen to our close friend. I met this friend BEFORE I found out that they were into drugs. Then, the close friend had the nerve to bring this friend to our house too…SOOO now this friend knows where we live, as well as some of the stuff that we have…Makes me feel quite uneasy about this person. Let’s hope I am wrong on this…

Anyway…After a few small posts, now this…holy moly! Ok, I should be good for a while…maybe…

Hard Decisions…

11 Aug

So, I got a new job…which means I had to quit one of my other jobs. Easy guess as to which one-the one that is one day a week…the one that was only supposed to last 6 to 8 weeks…the one that has progressively gone down hill for about the last 2-3 years or so. I have known this person for a long while now, & seeing her go downhill over that time has been hard, but I feel like that harder toll has been mental.

It has been tough working for this person lately. They have been super grumpy. There MAY be a reason for it recently, but it still doesn’t make it easy. This person had a fall close to 2 years ago. Since then, I’ve noticed a change. Not a big one, but one none-the-less. This person has been more snappy than normal-more so recently. I have noticed that I just sit down, & this person will say they have to go to the bathroom. I know, I know, you can’t control when you have to go. BUT this is after this person has had me running around like a chicken with its head cut off doing other jobs for this person. I start one thing, then this person tells me to do something else, which I do, then try to finish the first thing, only be put to another task. So, anyway, back to this person having to go to the bathroom. I get up, get the bucket for them to go #1, get to the bed, for this person to grumpily tell me that they have to go poop… I have tried so hard to be the best I can be, but it has been very hard with this person…with this person saying I need you to do this, then halfway through that, they need me to do this other thing, then move on to something else…all day long. I understand that this person obviously needs help, they are bed ridden at the moment, possibly for the rest of their life. I can’t imagine how it must feel…to be born with an affliction that leaves one with the almost need to have help for the simplest of things, but to then become independent, to go out & have a good time, to find that special someone, then to get married, & have a child. To do things beyond what is expected of you…to go from that to now, being bed ridden, not being able to get up on your own to go to the bathroom, not being able to get up to get yourself something to eat…I would be upset if it were me, BUT, I would try to keep an even head. I am not trying to say that this person is taking anything out on me, because I know this person isn’t just acting this way towards only me. It is tough, knowing this person for so long, & seeing them now.

I don’t know if it is the caring person inside me, but it’s almost like I feel responsible for them, like I am THE one that can do no wrong, am the one to take care of them. I guess it’s almost like an allegiance. This person would call, & I’d come running. (to be fair, I’d do this with all my jobs) After a while, I got tired of it, but what could I do? This person was calling me because the other people who were supposed to be there for them weren’t there. I felt it landed square on me to be the savior, if you will. But, after so long, I started to draw lines, doing more things for myself. I know this may sound selfish, but I am always doing things for everyone else, dropping everything to go to this person at the drop of a hat. It’s not that I don’t give a darn, or don’t care at all, I DO care, I DO give lots of darns, it’s just that I feel with this person, they know that I will drop everything when they call, they use me as kind of a crutch. I kind of feel bad that I have a new job & have to leave them, but I feel it is necessary. And, turns out I am not completely leaving this person-I am still going to come see the person 1 day a month to do some stuff. I can’t seem to shake this. I am not sure how long this will last, what with me having 2 other jobs. I just can’t seem to catch a break.

Then, on top of this, a certain family member is being weird again. They aren’t using the god given sense that was given to them. This family member texts me when they KNOW I am at my other job, which takes all of my attention most of the time. There are some pockets where I can look at my phone, talk on it, text, etc, BUT, most of the time, I am otherwise engaged. Well, this person got all but hurt because I wasn’t getting back to them RIGHT THEN…even though they KNOW that I was busy at that time, & that if I don’t get back to them right away, I am busy. They should know this, as I have told them this before, & to not worry about it, that if I don’t answer right away, I am busy, but I will get back to them when I can. This was after ‘that one incident’. About 10 years ago, one of my BFF’s & me were going to visit their mom who lives about half an hour away, to see a movie then go out to lunch. It was my day off, this person knew it was my day off, but they didn’t know that I had plans. This person is a family member of mine, but is NOT either of my parental units, SO, I didn’t feel the need to tell this person where I was going, as I am not duty bound to tell this person what I am doing, where I am going etc. I am not accountable to this person at all. Well, while I was driving from the theater to the restaurant (I didn’t know the way, so I was following my friends mom), this family member calls me once. Because I was driving, I didn’t answer the phone. This family member left me a message, so I figured, I would get it when I wasn’t driving. When we got to the restaurant, I got the message. I literally almost started crying when it was done. This family member was practically yelling at me because I didn’t answer the family member’s phone call, that I KNEW who was calling, & was deliberately not answering the phone BECAUSE it was this family member, that they needed my help & to go check on another family member. Mind you, this family member called me all of ONE time & left this message-so it wasn’t like they repeatedly called me & I didn’t answer. AND, this family member had no clue what I was doing, or where I was either that day, OR at the time that they called me. When I saw this person next (not at work), they made a snide remark about it, & I let go. I asked this person if they knew WHERE I was & WHAT I was doing that day, & at that time that they called me. They said no. So I told them that I was in another city, DRIVING down the road, following my friends mom because I didn’t know the way, & I asked this person if they were willing to pay to come get me & my friend out of jail, get my car out of impound, as well as pay for the ticket I get for talking on the phone while driving? That left this person sputtering & speechless. Since then, I don’t have much of a tolerance for this family member’s bullsh*t. They are always causing unnecessary drama, & just plain not being smart-like, really being honest to god stupid, not just acting that way.

Anyway…

Knowing When to Say No…

7 Aug

Sometimes, knowing when to put your foot down can be a problem. Other times, the door opens itself for you. Sometimes, no matter WHAT the situation, you can find it hard to actually put your foot down & say no to something or someone. I am finding myself at a crossroads.

The person I am working for has steadily declined recently. I have been conflicted about whether I should quit that job. I recently decided it was time, with the hours getting cut in my other job. I am pretty sure I have another job, so I put in my notice. I was nervous about it, knowing that this person has become extremely dependent on me being there for everything-even when I wasn’t on the clock. All this person had to do was call & I would go running. In talking to a family member of this person’s, they said that this person did the same thing to the person working for them before me. This whole job hasn’t gone as planned. It was only supposed to be for 6 to 8 WEEKS, now, almost 5 YEARS later, I am still there. Everytime I thought about leaving, I felt immense guilt, because I felt I was letting both the person that I work for as well as the family down for leaving. I guess I felt sort of responsible for this person. But, in the time since I started, this person has declined, has had a couple of accidents, & is now pretty much confined to laying down. I’ve tried to help this person as much as possible, but I am just not that physically strong a person to be able to pick this person up as much as this person needs. I have felt this way for a while, but I’ve kept with it, thinking maybe things would get better…but that just hasn’t been the case. Then, on top of this, the person has been snappy & grumpy lately. It hasn’t been just with me. That has, also, been wearing on me too. It wasn’t a bad working environment, but I personally felt tense. To preface this next part, I know this is PART of the job, but this person would give me a few things to do, so I’d start in on them, then the person would interrupt me to do something else, then I would do that, then, the person would have to go to the bathroom. So, I’d finish everything, then they’d have me do something else. I’d finally sit down for literally 2 seconds, then they’d have to poop. On top of everything, this person can’t hear as well as they used to, which has, I’m sure, made this person more grumpy. So, I hopefully have found a new job, that will hopefully free up some time for me. I will, however, still have to help this person out some…so it still isn’t a clean break. I’m not sure how long that will last…

It’s just been stressful lately, on top of working 6 days a week for…I can’t even remember how long now. Then, I am finding that trying to eat good & exercise has taken a backseat of sorts. I sure hope the grass is greener on the other side of this story. Hopefully no more bumps or drama…

Damned If You do…

4 Jul

And damned if you don’t. It seems like no matter what I do or don’t do, I still get a good tongue lashing &/or criticized.

A friend of ours, who’s been a very longtime friend, has been acting off lately. One might attribute it to something recent that has happened, but this started BEFORE this recent item came up. This friend has been somewhat of an instigator on some things. For instance, when I am off of work (I have TWO jobs, I work SIX days a week, I don’t get much in the way of time off), I usually stay home, will be in my room watching movies & just generally doing nothing. Well, this friend has ‘mentioned’ that I never do anything to help-including paying any type of rent. Well, how does this friend know if I do or not? Then, someone I live with, pretty much told this friend I don’t…again, how do they know that I don’t? Just because I don’t give the money directly to them does NOT mean I don’t pay rent. Just because they don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. They ASSUME things without proving it a fact or not. They don’t ask questions. At one point, this friend told me I had to get a job…really? Because, at the time I was told this, I had THREE jobs!

I try to help somebody, I get in trouble. I don’t say anything, then I get yelled at for not saying anything. It seems that no matter what side of the fence I am on, I seem to be on the short end of the stick, it seems to be my fault either way. Have you ever had the feeling that you’re being pulled in a million different directions, like you have to be different personas around different people, or even with the same person-but at different times? I feel like I am literally the black sheep of the family, like I don’t fit in anywhere. I feel like every single person in my family is judging me, looking at me under a microscope, & that they don’t approve of me. I feel like every time I go to one of their parties, like I’m the freakshow on parade. So, why do I keep going? VERY good question. I don’t know. I am told not to let some people get to me, & chase me off from family functions, but then I get treated like 3rd class, or a freak. Then, I wonder, what if I weren’t there? What if I didn’t go? Would anyone notice? Would they even care? How long before they start chattering about me behind my back? So many questions, so little answers. Why me? Why was I cursed to have this life? I just want to be like everyone else…thin, pretty, eloquent. But, I am none of those things. I have a feeling I never will be, no matter what I do or how hard I try. I can’t help the looks of longing at the people in the world who have it all…the perfect wife or husband, kids, a good job, a nice house or apartment even…& here I am, still living at my parents, I have TWO jobs-working 6 days a week, & I can’t even afford to move out. I am not even good enough to have a significant other. I just want those things. I want to be thing & pretty, have someplace of my own, have someone that loves me for me, that thinks I am perfect, that thinks the sun rises & sets with me. That seems to be too much to ask for.

Anyway, I guess that is all for right now.

Confused…

27 Jun

Ok, so this is going to be a 2 part post (I hope)…1st about a family member who just doesn’t get it that if they text or call someone (when they are working, & this person KNOWS they are working), & don’t get an immediate answer, it is NOT that we are ignoring them or anything bad…We are just WORKING, & can not answer the phone or text right away. 2nd, about someone close to me who is always high drama.

So, onto the family member (again). Years ago, on 1 of my days off, I actually had plans (yes, really, I know-it’s VERY hard to believe!). The plans were that a friend & I were going to meet her mom in the town that her mom lived in (about 40 minutes away, door to door), the 3 of us go watch a movie, then go out to lunch. I told my parents what we were doing, & they had no problems with it, other than I be careful, & be sure I had my cell phone on me, fully charged, just in case. I figured, I had my bases covered-I had noone else to which I had to answer to. I get ONE phone call from this family member, & there was NO was I was going to answer the phone. Why? The movie had ended, & we left, my friends mom taking her car, & my friend & I taking my car, & we were en route to a restaurant to have lunch. I didn’t know much about this city, so I was following my friends mom between the theater & the restaurant. I WAS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD when this family member called. AND she only called ONCE. I figured I’d get it when I got to the restaurant & call her back or whatever. Needless to say, I waited a while to call her back, because she single handedly ruined my day off, which was up till then, was a pretty good day. She left me voicemail. The WHOLE voicemail was her yelling at me about me NEVER answering her when she calls or texts me, WHY do I never answer her calls-she KNOWS that I have caller ID & I can see who is calling & she doesn’t know why I am ignoring her, all she needs me to do is go over & check on my grandma. I was so upset I almost started crying-which isn’t something I normally do in public (funerals or VERY sad movies…) I waited until I got back into town, after talking to my friend about it, & working up the courage to say what I wanted to say (as well as figuring out what I wanted to say without messing it up). When I called her back, I think she said something to the effect of ‘oh, you’re FINALLY calling back…’ I immediately asked her if she even KNEW what I was doing when she called me? She said no. I, in a strong tone (I wasn’t yelling, but I wasn’t timid either), told her I was in the other town, driving down the road, following my friends mom from a movie theater to a restaurant to go eat lunch, & that I was SORRY I didn’t answer, BUT, I didn’t want to get into an accident OR pulled over by a policeman & put in jail because I HAD to answer the phone for her…I also said that I had a PRETTY good idea that *THAT* excuse wouldn’t fly with law enforcement & wouldn’t get me out of a ticket or put in jail, & did SHE want to pay my tickets, fines, & get me out of jail? Boy, did she change her attitude after that, she was like ‘oh did you guys have fun?’ Well, something close happened recently. It didn’t escalate as far as that time. But this person, who KNEW I was working on this day, from lets say 8 am to 4 pm, texted me about something. Because I was WORKING, I didn’t get back to her right away. Well, she then texted me ‘hello?’, then, 2 minutes (literally 2 minutes) later, she called me. I didn’t answer because, guess what? I was working. Then, she texted me again ‘hello?’ By this time, it was 5 minutes before I was going to get off. As I was leaving I texted her back saying I was sorry, but I was working, but I was on my way. She said she wasn’t sure if I got her message. I told her I was WORKING! I love her but oh my god! I thought we went through this already! JUST because I don’t answer right THEN, does NOT mean I am ignoring her…

Then, from the frying pan to the heat…the high drama case. With this person, if it’s not 1 things, it’s another. Literally, there are 2 big things from the long ago past that this person keeps on bringing into the present, on top of many other battles that are un-necessarily brought into their relationship. Now, I have a feeling a new issue has been brought in that will be 1 of these issues that will keep on being brought up over & over again. This friend told another friend everything, but left some stuff out when telling¬† me (not that I care, more drama that I would rather not deal with anyway), so we each gave this friend our 2 cents…the other friend hasn’t heard back from said friend since this morning. I talked to this friend for a bit, finally giving my honest to god thoughts on the subject, & haven’t heard from this friend since. I really do like this friend, BUT, as I’ve said before, I am SO over this friend coming to ‘us’ (we’re a group of 4 best friends, so by ‘us’, I mean the other 3 of us), complaining of the same troubles, same fights with the spouse over & over again. They have been married for about 7 years now, the spouse was my first everything. I think they vaguely knew each other before, but basically my friends now spouse needed a place to live, & my friend, at that time, lived in a 1 bedroom apartment, & it started out (my friend told US anyway) that the now spouse would bunk on the couch, but it didn’t happen that way. My friend, being naive, inexperienced, & prudish, SWORE to us that the now spouse would gratify themself in the bed they shared, as well as in the shower. This friend ‘claims’ that their parents freely talked about sex & stuff like that, but I am skeptical, judging by how the friend reacted & reacts to some of the topics our other friends & myself talked about. This friend went between acting disgusted & totally grossed out, like a prudish teenager. My parents never really talked about anything sexual, & I wasn’t grossed out or anything by what my friends & I talked about. As many times as we told this friend to just talk to the eventual spouse about it, this friend never did. I am not sure how it happened, but all of a sudden, they’d kissed (it was my friends 2nd maybe kiss-& I’m going to go out on a limb & say it was my friends 1st ‘real’ kiss), then, 1 thing turned into another…& they’ve been married pretty much 7 years now. I am pretty sure that my friends big problem is communication. I can’t tell you how many times I have told my friend to just TALK to the spouse about what is bothering my friend, instead of letting it fester until my friend blows up & it turns into a big fight. Also, part of my friends problem IS the fact that said friend stews on something, then, comes at you from right field & acting all bullish & commanding & very argumentative. And there is NO telling this friend anything else than what they want to hear, or what they’re trying to say-all differing opinions or facts are all wrong on all accounts. This friend can be a very overpowering force, but this friend is also fickle. When we were in high school, this friend swore they had feelings for another friend who lived out of town, but said friend was scared to tell the other friend about these feelings for fear of losing the friendship they already had. That friendship ended up going nowhere. Then, this friend thought they had feelings for a siblings spouses sibling, & again, didn’t act on it, so nothing happened, & sibling in law ended up getting married to someone else, which, for some reason, made my friend really angry. Then, the now spouse came along. And since then, this friend has said that they have had feelings for various other people, the latest being a cousin of the spouse. I am over here shaking my head. I just think that it was all too fast for my friend. I feel like they didn’t REALLY get to know each other BEFORE they got married. At this point, that is neither here nor there,

So, anyway…I am going to stop there before I get any more upset.

The Way in Which You Deliver…

12 May

So, this is somewhat older news, but it’s been bothering me. I don’t have a car, I’ve been looking for one, but haven’t had any luck yet. A person close to me is a mechanic, & I’ve consulted with him about what to look for, what I want, & what I want to steer clear of. Like, I know I DON’T want a snooty-falooty car (BMW, Mercedes, Infiniti, Cadillac, etc), I don’t want a VW (because they make them now that you have to have special VW specific tools to fix them, as opposed to all the regular tools that are out there-like a completely other set of tools that one would need to have), I obviously don’t want a car with a lot of miles on it, or major damage on it, or a salvage title…all within my price range. Shouldn’t be too hard right? It seems to be proving a bit harder than I thought. That being said, another close person to me has been acting weird lately in general. This 1 day, we were talking, & got talking about me finding a car, & how it was going. It was a nice conversation-we weren’t fighting or yelling at each other or anything like that. Out of the blue, she blurts out ‘Well, you CAN’T get a foreign car at all because of your mechanic.’ She said it in a totally confrontational, argumentative way-almost attacking me with what she said. So, I got defensive & asked why? She told me that my mechanic DOESN’T work on those types of cars…then laughs, like she was telling a joke. Now, I’ve talked to a few people about that, & the general consensus seems to be a collective WTF?! We were having a nice conversation, then that part was all ‘BLAH! I’m ANGRY!’, then she finished off laughing, like she just told the funniest joke ever…all within about a 5 minute period. Now, she doesn’t know that I already talked to said mechanic about working on foreign cars, & if he’d be opposed to me getting 1. I flat out told him I knew he probably wouldn’t be able to work on it, & that I was ok with that, that I could take it to a mutual friend who has a shop that works on foreign cars, & he said he wasn’t opposed to me getting a foreign car, other than it not being a VW, or snooty falooty car, & that depending on what it was, he very well might be able to work on it himself. So, that conversation has already been done, & settled, no problems what so ever. So, why is this other person getting all defensive about someone else having to potentially work on my future car that I don’t have? What’s it TO them? They have nothing to do with working on the car, why would it bother them? Or be an issue for THEM?! Like I said, THEY’RE not the 1 doing the work! It doesn’t even really involve them, other than we both know the mechanic. It’s not like I have to call them to get them to make an appointment with the mechanic-I would talk to the mechanic directly. Now, I wouldn’t say I’m put off with getting a car, I’m just very much leary about getting 1. I’m still looking-though not as hard core as I was before that conversation, but I’m still on the look out. That being said, I’ve seen all the wrong cars…VW’s, snooty falooty cars, cars with salvage titles or lots of mileage, cars with body work needing to be done, or hard core trucks…basically everything I am NOT looking for! So, what that conversation didn’t blow out of my sails, all the cars I seem to be finding have helped deflate. Oh well, some things are worth waiting for…