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The Aftermath of Destruction…

13 Mar

How is it that so much drama seems to find me? And at one time? Still feeling less than whole, less than ok, lacking in every aspect. I don’t think I ask too much, I’m not opposed to fighting if it was worth it…AKA with the right person. The man I am with does not need to have money, does not need to have all of his shit together (just a majority of it), does not need to be perfect….my ‘idea’ of perfect is having flaws-I don’t expect my perfect man to walk on water, to say the right things all the time, or anything like that. There’s just a few things that I DO ask…like him being unattached to anyone else (divorce/breakup complete, no questions about it.), to be faithful to me, to be kind & respectful… looks & endowment don’t even rate on it because it is what is on the inside that counts. I don’t care that he’s had other relationships, been married before, has kids…all that matters is that he is single-I get it that if he has kids from another relationship that 1-the kids will always be a part of his life, & 2-the mother or mothers of the child or children will still be a part of his life, BUT I do NOT want a cheater or someone who is still attached in any way to someone else. I am a firm believer in not cheating, so that has to go both ways. I wouldn’t do that to someone else & I expect the same from them.

I am far from perfect, but that doesn’t make me a robot or entity or anything less than human. I just want someone to look at me, look beyond me being fat, look at the person that I am, I want someone to be attracted to me for what I DO look like (& not what I don’t look like), & for whats inside me, for who I am. I keep seeing my friends, & other people getting hit on, getting asked out etc. While I sit there, being completely unnoticed-a tree gains more attention then I do. Nobody ever hits on me (or when they do, they’re way older -too old for my liking, I know I said I don’t ask for much, BUT the person has to be somewhat near my age.), nobody ever looks my way, nobody ever asks me out, or for my phone number. Recently, 2 guys have said that they ‘like’ me. Now, one suddenly wants to be just friends, the other seems to be in & out on me-we’ll talk for a day or 2, then I won’t hear anything from him for a week, maybe more. The other one that wants to be friends, I have sent 2 texts to, & have yet to receive anything back from this ‘friend’ who said he wouldn’t let jealousy get in the way. It’s been almost a week…I don’t know what to do. The first 2 people who happen upon me & show interest in me in almost a decade find me at the same time, & then there is all this drama that I have to deal with. It’s times like this that make me want to swear off all relationships. I just want someone special in my life, someone who isn’t related to me that will actually love me for me, someone who finds me sexy, who looks at me in that special way, who thinks the world of me. I want to have a special connection with someone. I feel like I’m getting too old, like maybe I missed my connections, like it’s too late for me, like it’s never going to happen for me, one of the few things I REALLY want in this world, & I feel like it’s never going to happen. Nobody see’s me like that, nobody will think of me like that, ever. I feel like I am going to have to live with watching everyone else find happiness, to be happy, to be strong, to be all the things that I’m not, I can’t help but feel left out, like I am somehow not important enough to have what I want, like I’m being punished for I don’t even know what-Like I’m doomed to watch all this, doomed to never have it, to want it so bad, but never have it.

 

It’s so hard to try to stay positive while watching all this go on around you, to try to stay upbeat & truly happy when you feel so broken inside, so unwanted, so unloved. It’s so hard trying to hold my head up high, to be happy both with myself & with my life where is so much I still want to do, want to fix. I want so bad to be skinnier, & I’m trying, but therein is a problem too-I’m trying to loose weight, but it doesn’t just magically fall off overnight. It took time for me to put the weight on, & it’ll take time for me to get rid of it, but I wake up every morning, looking the same, or sometimes when I weigh myself, & I’ve gained a pound or whatever, it just sends me into an even bigger depressed mood then I’m normally in. It seems like I should just accept what is, & just not expect anything more. It’s just so hard because I WANT more! Anyway, I’ll finish this up now before I keep repeating myself any more.

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The Walls Come Tumbling Down…

9 Mar

So…Basically, one of my worst fears has come to pass. That ‘friend with benefits’ of sorts pretty much gave me the axe. FWB says they still want to be friends, & like a glutton for punishment, I said ok. Apparently, FWB found someone, at least for the time being, that they want to be exclusive with, & guess what? It wasn’t me. I’m not sure why I said yes to still being friends. I feel like I know too much to be friend, & I don’t want to be considered a threat by this other person. I don’t want this other person to worry about me, & be paranoid that I may take FWB away from said other person. I’m not that type of person, but they don’t know that. I don’t want to say that I’m hurt, but I am. I feel like what did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Was I not doing things fast enough? What does this other person have that I don’t?

 

I feel like at any minute, I could just burst into tears. Right now, I’m questioning so many things. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong with the FWB? What have I ever done wrong to deserve all this? Why does noone like me? What do other women have that I don’t that seem to attract all the men? I mean, there are men out there that like bigger gals…what do they have that I don’t? What are they doing that I’m not? Am I so appalling, ugly…I don’t know…Am I SO unappealing that literally every single man out there wants nothing to do with me? What do people see when they look at me? I think I’m a nice person with a lot to offer. Why can’t someone really see me? Why can’t someone see past what I look like on the outside, see past all my awkwardness, & see the real me? Why can’t someone see who I really am, & actually like who I am? Actually want to be with me, love me, & accept me? What is SO wrong with me that, in all the people that I know, & that I’ve met, that I can’t seem to find a single person to be with? The only person was FWB, & that wasn’t anything exclusive, & now FWB has found someone else. I guess I’m not surprised that FWB found someone else & basically threw me aside. But it still hurts none the less. I have always felt inferior my whole life, sexually aside. Certain family members have always nailed it home that I was never good enough, but now that I’m all grown up, & still single, no love interests, I’ve only dated 1 person, & that person was not a nice person, then now, I kind of almost had FWB, & now that’s ended, & there’s noone else out there that likes me…I can’t help but feel like I am destined to always be alone & lonely, always wanting to have that special someone, yet never finding anyone. I will never find that happiness, I want it so much, but I can’t help but feel like noone will ever see me like that…It’s clearly obvious that I must be a leper or something-someone that noone can find appealing in any form.

 

There is so much more I want to say, but I feel like if I do, I’ll only be repeating myself in some form or another. SO, to spare you all from that, I’m going to call it quits for right now. I’d say wish me luck at finding someone, but that’s highly unlikely, since I seem to be unlucky in love…

Nothing’s Fine, I’m Torn…

5 Jan

So, I decided to do something I promised myself I’d only do once. This second time might’ve brought something into my life I thought I’d never have again…I’m a big girl, so to say I get no attention from the opposite sex is an major understatement. BUT, going through this a 2nd time has possibly brought an interest in me from the person that did it. This person has expressed a liking in me-& trust me when I say I was skeptical, hell, I still am. We’ve been texting for almost 2 months now, met face to face for the first time about a month & a half ago…I’m not gonna lie, right off the bat, I thought he was pretty darn hot-not at all my normal type. My first thought was that there was absolutely NO way he’d ever like me back….I am a big girl after all, so that makes me equivalent to a robot or something-I am just an object, nothing to be desired, no feelings (so everyone can tell me all  my faults, tell me how ugly I am, that I basically will never be loved…), undeserving of anything good. Apparently, he was attracted to me too, & he likes bigger gals. I am still in shock….& keep asking myself if I’m dreaming, because my whole life, I’ve been told & treated like I was sub-par, like I said before, almost like I’m a robot. I have been told, for my whole life, that I am fat, I don’t have loads of money, lots of nice things-truth be told, that kind of life means nothing to me, I have no desire to live in that world-yet, for my whole life, I have been told I don’t have that, so I am not worthy, that because I don’t strive to have lots of money & all the rich things that I won’t find anyone, that I’ll just be a nobody.

Is that really such a bad thing though? I actually kinda like my life…it’s not perfect, there are things I’d love to change, & I am happy most of the time…except when I go down that road where I tell myself I’m not good enough & actually start to believe it. All I want in this world, is to have a steady job, good friends, good family, someone to love me back…don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I feel I NEED a man beside me to make me happy-I want the RIGHT guy beside me. And, that seems to be the problem. The good looking ones are either assholes, don’t like bigger gals, are taken, or are gay…or any combo of those. I just want a good guy, who wont treat me wrong, who’s got a heart of gold, who will love me-faults & all, who will be trustworthy, honest, & faithful. Then, there’s this guy…He is good looking, nice…Granted, I don’t know that much about him, but I just get this feeling about him. And he likes bigger gals…and is showing an interest in me…I should just take it & run, rather than look a gift horse in the face, but I just can’t seem to feel like this is too good to be true. Like, he’s just joking around…the best way I can explain it is kind of like the movie ‘She’s All That…’ He’s a good looking guy, can get anyone he wants…why me? And how long with this last? I’m not sure if I’m ready for another let down. I don’t want to be single forever, but I don’t want to settle either, & I don’t feel I’d be doing that with him…

We’ll see where this goes I guess…sure hoping for something good. I’ve been in an up & down mood all afternoon, sure hope I can snap out of it & soon!

So, It’s Here Again…

30 Nov

So, the depression is here again in full force. Do you ever feel like a failure? Or maybe you just don’t belong in your own family or friends circle? Or that every move you make, every thing you say is being scrutinized, & you are coming up lacking or worse, coming up as being ‘that’ family member or friend that is just so weird? You get ‘those’ looks from your fam &/or friends that clearly states that they think you are totally weird, & just wish you would excuse yourself. Then, there is the accompanying ‘oh yeah sure’, or ‘oh ok’s’ that you get, in that condescending way that they both look at you & talk to you. But, then, you try to appease them, & go to leave, then they’re all like ‘no, you don’t have to leave…where are you going? We want you to stay…’ Uh huh….that look you JUST gave me, & what you JUST said to me says you want me to leave even more than you want me to stay. In my world, I start getting that feeling like you’re being looked at by the whole room, or you walk into a room & it gets quiet…like you were just being talked about, & boom, there you are, so all conversations cease. Yeah, I didn’t notice that at all, & with that, I am gone! When I get that feeling, almost like I am unwelcome, or that they’d rather not have me there, I wonder what would happen if I just up & snuck out? Like I was there, then all of a sudden I was gone. I wonder IF anyone would notice? It is more probable that my disappearance would go unnoticed than if I asked how long it’d take for my absence to be noticed.

So often, I wonder how much of an impact I am making on people by being here? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few people I love beyond my insecurities that I am sticking around for. But, I wonder if I am doing them any good by being in their lives? Am I affecting them in a positive way? When I AM gone, will they look back with fond, happy memories?  Or will their memories of me be stained with embarrassment because I was the weird one? And I was the one that always said & did the weird things. I have never felt like I have been FULLY accepted by…anyone. I feel like my family puts up with me because they are my family, & that most of my friends are my friends because they feel sorry for me or something. I don’t have a significant other, that is another thing that seems to elude me. It makes me feel even MORE unlovable that I already feel. I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Like there’s those people that know exactly what to say at exactly the right time, know exactly what to do in any situation…I guess you could say they are well bred if you will, not necessarily that they are rich or high class or anything, they’re just those perfect types of person. Then, there are the country bumpkin types that were raised in a barn-leaving doors open, wearing all types of wrong clothes, saying the wrong things….I feel like that is me, but that I am even a loner in that group as well, like even THEY’VE shunned me too. It is at times like this that I wonder why I just don’t get in contact with one of those witness protection programs & talk to them about getting a new identity somewhere else. Just become someone completely new in a new town. Obviously, it wouldn’t be witness protection, but just a new start. In a series of fictional romance novels I am reading, this motorcycle club helps people out with that kind of stuff. Sometimes I sure wish I could find something like that. They’re set in an east coast state (fictionally obviously) where a friend of mine has family, SOOOO if it were real, that option would probably be out for me because they know me. Sometimes, I would just love to know that I have a happily ever after. That all this crap I am going through, have gone through, all the ups & downs in my life, everything, isn’t for nothing, that there is a purpose for me. I feel like I am always giving, & that there is nothing more for me, that nobody notices everything that I am doing & do….do. Do certain people REALLY realize that the services I give are free, that everything I have done for the last almost 6 years have been with love? The care I have given to 2 special little people in my life isn’t like any kind of care they’d receive from anyone else? I love those 2 little people, as well as a couple other little people, like they are my own-the love runs that deep! I would not be able to survive without any of them-just the thought is unbearable! I guess you might say they are my reason for living, for why I am still here, but sometimes I don’t feel like it is truly appreciated. I just want to feel special, to feel loved. I don’t always feel that from the people around me. That is where the whole disappearing thing comes up. I know I would be miserable without a few people in my life, but sometimes I feel like I’d be able to deal with it just to allow others to gain perspective-the perspective of life without me in it, without all the stuff that I do, just life without me in it at all. Then, thoughts wander back to the dark side-wondering if they’d miss me? Wondering if they’d think ‘oh good riddance’…wondering if they’d notice. I know they’d most likely get along just fine without me, but to JUST KNOW that they would miss me, that they’d know that I was gone, & that it’d cause a hole in their life without me being there.

I guess I’ll leave it there for right now, I feel a little bit better right now.

Round & Round We Go…

13 Aug

Someone I know loves to play the pity party in their favor quite often…despite their claims that they don’t. They NEVER want to go anywhere, then complain that they never do anything, they’re stuck at home all the time. This person MADE that decision. There is LOTS of things that this person CAN do. They even have their own car that they can get themselves to & from things with. The only thing holding them back is themselves….oh they don’t want to do that alone *in whiny voice*. Well, don’t complain that you never do or get to do anything…YOU made the choice NOT to do it. You are a fully grown adult, capable of making your own decisions AND you have money, a license, a car, directional knowledge that can get to the places you want to go. YOU CHOSE NOT TO! End of story. Or so we think…

This person is ALWAYS dragging their feet about going to any kind of party, no matter who or what its for, or where the party is. This person is always a negative force for going out to a party. But, then, they get there, then it gets late, & we’re all ready to leave, & this person who we practically had to DRAG out of our house to go to this party suddenly doesn’t want to LEAVE. They want to stay SO bad…When we FINALLY get this person to leave, then they’re talking about going out to a bar or bars in town…then there’s a pity party because noone wants to go with them…because its midnight, we’re all tired from preparing for the party, then being at said party, & then the late hour. Then, at least one of us has to be up somewhat early the next morning because we have to work. So, excuse me, but no, I would NOT like to go out & be the only person NOT drinking at the bar, watching all the drunken idiots act like drunken idiots…Then, when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, this person turns into a petulant child & says ‘well, fine, I’ll just walk then.’ *cue dramatic eye roll & sigh here* Then, this turns into a fight…which I despise. I know it is a part of life, but it seriously gives me heartburn & an anxiety attack just thinking about it. This person isn’t a drunk, but when they do drink, they don’t realize that they can’t have as much as they used to due to a few reasons. AND they don’t see how they act when they are drunk (this can be said about a couple people in my family…) There is a very thin line for this person as to me being ok with them having some drinks, & just plain being ok, & them being an asshole. When this person crosses the line, they are mean to most everybody, & you can’t tell them what to do (like stop drinking…oh my god! There will be a world war of epic proportions!). It’s like this person suddenly is mad about the life that they have, & starts taking it out on their spouse, like it is ALL, COMPLETELY, the spouses fault. They don’t seem to think that they have done a single thing wrong. News flash-your sh*t doesn’t smell like roses either. There are some things that this person doesn’t like how the spouse does it, & is always ‘saying’ they’re going to take that over…but it is ALL talk. This person took one of the things over for ONE DAY, then it went back to the way it was before…but they still complain about it & have a problem with it, & still threatens to take it on themselves, but I don’t foresee that happening. Like I said, the last time it lasted one whole day. It is ok not to like the way someone else does something, BUT, in this case, if you want it to change, then, YOU have to take over, & give it some time. And, like this person has said, they’re so bored, they have nothing else to do…well, this could be your ticket to having something to do. Not like it will take the whole day or anything, but it will be more than what you were doing (staying home all day, watching the news ALL day long, yelling at said news on tv…) I know I WON’T be asking this person to do anything, because a close friend of ours TOLD me I was NOT to ask this person to do anything because this person is retired now, & is free to do with the time off what they want to do, especially not asking this person do to anything related to their job.

That is another thing that really annoyed me. Where does this friend get off telling me that I can’t ask this person to do anything? It is none of their business, UNLESS it is during a time that this person has set aside for the friend, like if they go on a trip or something. Even still, if they did, & something happened, I wouldn’t dream of taking this person away from their plans unless it was an absolute emergency. I would call this person, & ask what they think I should do, if it could wait till they got back, & if not, I would do what they said & take it to someone else or whatever. This friend has been acting very weird lately. A close family member was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease & has since passed away. This friend was totally taken by surprise by the diagnosis, as all of us were. I really feel for the friend, I couldn’t imagine what they’re going through. BUT, this weird behavior started before that happened with the family member. This friend got into a fight with another friend over something so stupid (they both have hearing issues, so it just got totally out of hand, then the 1 friend keeps poking the other one, figuratively speaking, & the other friend has gotten tired of it) & the close friend has been holding a grudge against this other friend, which has put ‘my’ person, as well as myself & ‘us’, in a bad position because we are friends with both people involved. Granted, we’ve been friends with the close friend a lot longer, BUT, the general consensus is that this close friend is in the wrong in the first place, as well as being in the wrong for holding a grudge, & just digging their feet in the sand about it. Like, if the close friend is over, & the other friend comes over, the close friend will make a hasty exit, or if the friend is over, & the close friend drives up & see’s their car, they will leave. One time, the close friend called the house phone FROM OUR DRIVEWAY, & asks if the friend is over, my person said yes, & the close friend said to call them when the friend leaves. The other friend said their peace to the close friend & has moved on. If the close friend is over our house or at a function that the friend is at, the friend will come on in anyway & not let the close friend dictate when & where they can show up. This friend figures, they’ve said their piece to the other close friend, it is time to move on. But, the close friend seems to want to emphasize their point & isn’t backing down on it. I’ve had friends that I have gotten into fights with, we’ve misunderstood each other, BUT, we have, also, talked about it, had each of our say’s, & worked through it. But, this close friend seems so dead set on proving some point, & isn’t going to budge an inch, SO sure that they’re right. There is, also, word around that this close friend is…not necessarily making enemies, but other friends of this close friend aren’t happy with them either. This close friend seems to be stepping on a LOT of toes, & making a lot of ‘friends’ back away. So, it’s not just me, or ‘us’ that this friend is acting weird around. One time, this friend came up to my person, & tried to start a fight (in my opinion) about something that the close friend read in a magazine, & the close friend didn’t have the specifics or anything, but it was about a topic that my person is, quite frankly, WAY beyond an expert on. It is like that meineke commercial, where the customer comes in & says their car is making a funny sound, then they try to duplicate the sound, & the mechanic says ‘oh, this is wrong with your car’, based solely on the noise the customer makes. My person does that, I kid you not! This close friend came to my person, & said that someone had taken this object, & did this to it, to which my person said no, they would do this, & it’d work. The friend said no, they left it as is, & it worked…this close friend kept arguing the point. My person asked if the friend was SURE that THAT was what they did, the friend said that they were pretty sure, & that they’d go look for the magazine again…that was about a year ago, & this friend has NOT mentioned it again. But, the friend was SO adamant that they did what this friend said, even though it made no sense for that to be done. It was like saying someone built a parking lot with 200 parking spots for a small diner that, at their busiest, would use only 50 parking spots. (and not be near anything where there would be an overflow from another lot or anything) BUT they built 200, but would only use 50…But, no, they wouldn’t do that…

Then, this close friend has a friend of the opposite sex that is living with them. I am pretty sure they are doing things between the sheets if you will. This opposite sex friend has been working in the friends yard, both at home, AND at another property this close friend owns. This ‘friend’ knows where all the expensive things that our close friend owns. This ‘friend’ used to be a druggie (& looks like it), & used to live under a bridge & was homeless. So, this I ask…WHAT THE F*ck is the friend thinking?! This friend had a dinner at their house, which was supposed to be a get-together of friends (girls/guys night…). It was supposed to be just those same sex friends, having dinner without the significant others. I guess, right as dinner was put on the table, out walks the opposite sex friend, & this friend had dinner with them & all that…My person said they were embarrassed for this friend, because NONE of the people there had invited their spouses or significant others to this dinner, with it being a gender specific dinner, while the spouses got together to hang out as well, someplace else. So, the whole evening got rather awkward. I don’t trust this ‘friend’ of our close friend. I try not to be a skeptic, or wary of anyone right off the bat-I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT, I just don’t trust this person…I can easily see this person having druggie friends who would sneak into places & steal stuff & sell it for the highest price. I would just hate to see this happen to our close friend. I met this friend BEFORE I found out that they were into drugs. Then, the close friend had the nerve to bring this friend to our house too…SOOO now this friend knows where we live, as well as some of the stuff that we have…Makes me feel quite uneasy about this person. Let’s hope I am wrong on this…

Anyway…After a few small posts, now this…holy moly! Ok, I should be good for a while…maybe…

Hard Decisions…

11 Aug

So, I got a new job…which means I had to quit one of my other jobs. Easy guess as to which one-the one that is one day a week…the one that was only supposed to last 6 to 8 weeks…the one that has progressively gone down hill for about the last 2-3 years or so. I have known this person for a long while now, & seeing her go downhill over that time has been hard, but I feel like that harder toll has been mental.

It has been tough working for this person lately. They have been super grumpy. There MAY be a reason for it recently, but it still doesn’t make it easy. This person had a fall close to 2 years ago. Since then, I’ve noticed a change. Not a big one, but one none-the-less. This person has been more snappy than normal-more so recently. I have noticed that I just sit down, & this person will say they have to go to the bathroom. I know, I know, you can’t control when you have to go. BUT this is after this person has had me running around like a chicken with its head cut off doing other jobs for this person. I start one thing, then this person tells me to do something else, which I do, then try to finish the first thing, only be put to another task. So, anyway, back to this person having to go to the bathroom. I get up, get the bucket for them to go #1, get to the bed, for this person to grumpily tell me that they have to go poop… I have tried so hard to be the best I can be, but it has been very hard with this person…with this person saying I need you to do this, then halfway through that, they need me to do this other thing, then move on to something else…all day long. I understand that this person obviously needs help, they are bed ridden at the moment, possibly for the rest of their life. I can’t imagine how it must feel…to be born with an affliction that leaves one with the almost need to have help for the simplest of things, but to then become independent, to go out & have a good time, to find that special someone, then to get married, & have a child. To do things beyond what is expected of you…to go from that to now, being bed ridden, not being able to get up on your own to go to the bathroom, not being able to get up to get yourself something to eat…I would be upset if it were me, BUT, I would try to keep an even head. I am not trying to say that this person is taking anything out on me, because I know this person isn’t just acting this way towards only me. It is tough, knowing this person for so long, & seeing them now.

I don’t know if it is the caring person inside me, but it’s almost like I feel responsible for them, like I am THE one that can do no wrong, am the one to take care of them. I guess it’s almost like an allegiance. This person would call, & I’d come running. (to be fair, I’d do this with all my jobs) After a while, I got tired of it, but what could I do? This person was calling me because the other people who were supposed to be there for them weren’t there. I felt it landed square on me to be the savior, if you will. But, after so long, I started to draw lines, doing more things for myself. I know this may sound selfish, but I am always doing things for everyone else, dropping everything to go to this person at the drop of a hat. It’s not that I don’t give a darn, or don’t care at all, I DO care, I DO give lots of darns, it’s just that I feel with this person, they know that I will drop everything when they call, they use me as kind of a crutch. I kind of feel bad that I have a new job & have to leave them, but I feel it is necessary. And, turns out I am not completely leaving this person-I am still going to come see the person 1 day a month to do some stuff. I can’t seem to shake this. I am not sure how long this will last, what with me having 2 other jobs. I just can’t seem to catch a break.

Then, on top of this, a certain family member is being weird again. They aren’t using the god given sense that was given to them. This family member texts me when they KNOW I am at my other job, which takes all of my attention most of the time. There are some pockets where I can look at my phone, talk on it, text, etc, BUT, most of the time, I am otherwise engaged. Well, this person got all but hurt because I wasn’t getting back to them RIGHT THEN…even though they KNOW that I was busy at that time, & that if I don’t get back to them right away, I am busy. They should know this, as I have told them this before, & to not worry about it, that if I don’t answer right away, I am busy, but I will get back to them when I can. This was after ‘that one incident’. About 10 years ago, one of my BFF’s & me were going to visit their mom who lives about half an hour away, to see a movie then go out to lunch. It was my day off, this person knew it was my day off, but they didn’t know that I had plans. This person is a family member of mine, but is NOT either of my parental units, SO, I didn’t feel the need to tell this person where I was going, as I am not duty bound to tell this person what I am doing, where I am going etc. I am not accountable to this person at all. Well, while I was driving from the theater to the restaurant (I didn’t know the way, so I was following my friends mom), this family member calls me once. Because I was driving, I didn’t answer the phone. This family member left me a message, so I figured, I would get it when I wasn’t driving. When we got to the restaurant, I got the message. I literally almost started crying when it was done. This family member was practically yelling at me because I didn’t answer the family member’s phone call, that I KNEW who was calling, & was deliberately not answering the phone BECAUSE it was this family member, that they needed my help & to go check on another family member. Mind you, this family member called me all of ONE time & left this message-so it wasn’t like they repeatedly called me & I didn’t answer. AND, this family member had no clue what I was doing, or where I was either that day, OR at the time that they called me. When I saw this person next (not at work), they made a snide remark about it, & I let go. I asked this person if they knew WHERE I was & WHAT I was doing that day, & at that time that they called me. They said no. So I told them that I was in another city, DRIVING down the road, following my friends mom because I didn’t know the way, & I asked this person if they were willing to pay to come get me & my friend out of jail, get my car out of impound, as well as pay for the ticket I get for talking on the phone while driving? That left this person sputtering & speechless. Since then, I don’t have much of a tolerance for this family member’s bullsh*t. They are always causing unnecessary drama, & just plain not being smart-like, really being honest to god stupid, not just acting that way.

Anyway…

Knowing When to Say No…

7 Aug

Sometimes, knowing when to put your foot down can be a problem. Other times, the door opens itself for you. Sometimes, no matter WHAT the situation, you can find it hard to actually put your foot down & say no to something or someone. I am finding myself at a crossroads.

The person I am working for has steadily declined recently. I have been conflicted about whether I should quit that job. I recently decided it was time, with the hours getting cut in my other job. I am pretty sure I have another job, so I put in my notice. I was nervous about it, knowing that this person has become extremely dependent on me being there for everything-even when I wasn’t on the clock. All this person had to do was call & I would go running. In talking to a family member of this person’s, they said that this person did the same thing to the person working for them before me. This whole job hasn’t gone as planned. It was only supposed to be for 6 to 8 WEEKS, now, almost 5 YEARS later, I am still there. Everytime I thought about leaving, I felt immense guilt, because I felt I was letting both the person that I work for as well as the family down for leaving. I guess I felt sort of responsible for this person. But, in the time since I started, this person has declined, has had a couple of accidents, & is now pretty much confined to laying down. I’ve tried to help this person as much as possible, but I am just not that physically strong a person to be able to pick this person up as much as this person needs. I have felt this way for a while, but I’ve kept with it, thinking maybe things would get better…but that just hasn’t been the case. Then, on top of this, the person has been snappy & grumpy lately. It hasn’t been just with me. That has, also, been wearing on me too. It wasn’t a bad working environment, but I personally felt tense. To preface this next part, I know this is PART of the job, but this person would give me a few things to do, so I’d start in on them, then the person would interrupt me to do something else, then I would do that, then, the person would have to go to the bathroom. So, I’d finish everything, then they’d have me do something else. I’d finally sit down for literally 2 seconds, then they’d have to poop. On top of everything, this person can’t hear as well as they used to, which has, I’m sure, made this person more grumpy. So, I hopefully have found a new job, that will hopefully free up some time for me. I will, however, still have to help this person out some…so it still isn’t a clean break. I’m not sure how long that will last…

It’s just been stressful lately, on top of working 6 days a week for…I can’t even remember how long now. Then, I am finding that trying to eat good & exercise has taken a backseat of sorts. I sure hope the grass is greener on the other side of this story. Hopefully no more bumps or drama…