Tag Archives: Drama

Round & Round We Go…

13 Aug

Someone I know loves to play the pity party in their favor quite often…despite their claims that they don’t. They NEVER want to go anywhere, then complain that they never do anything, they’re stuck at home all the time. This person MADE that decision. There is LOTS of things that this person CAN do. They even have their own car that they can get themselves to & from things with. The only thing holding them back is themselves….oh they don’t want to do that alone *in whiny voice*. Well, don’t complain that you never do or get to do anything…YOU made the choice NOT to do it. You are a fully grown adult, capable of making your own decisions AND you have money, a license, a car, directional knowledge that can get to the places you want to go. YOU CHOSE NOT TO! End of story. Or so we think…

This person is ALWAYS dragging their feet about going to any kind of party, no matter who or what its for, or where the party is. This person is always a negative force for going out to a party. But, then, they get there, then it gets late, & we’re all ready to leave, & this person who we practically had to DRAG out of our house to go to this party suddenly doesn’t want to LEAVE. They want to stay SO bad…When we FINALLY get this person to leave, then they’re talking about going out to a bar or bars in town…then there’s a pity party because noone wants to go with them…because its midnight, we’re all tired from preparing for the party, then being at said party, & then the late hour. Then, at least one of us has to be up somewhat early the next morning because we have to work. So, excuse me, but no, I would NOT like to go out & be the only person NOT drinking at the bar, watching all the drunken idiots act like drunken idiots…Then, when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, this person turns into a petulant child & says ‘well, fine, I’ll just walk then.’ *cue dramatic eye roll & sigh here* Then, this turns into a fight…which I despise. I know it is a part of life, but it seriously gives me heartburn & an anxiety attack just thinking about it. This person isn’t a drunk, but when they do drink, they don’t realize that they can’t have as much as they used to due to a few reasons. AND they don’t see how they act when they are drunk (this can be said about a couple people in my family…) There is a very thin line for this person as to me being ok with them having some drinks, & just plain being ok, & them being an asshole. When this person crosses the line, they are mean to most everybody, & you can’t tell them what to do (like stop drinking…oh my god! There will be a world war of epic proportions!). It’s like this person suddenly is mad about the life that they have, & starts taking it out on their spouse, like it is ALL, COMPLETELY, the spouses fault. They don’t seem to think that they have done a single thing wrong. News flash-your sh*t doesn’t smell like roses either. There are some things that this person doesn’t like how the spouse does it, & is always ‘saying’ they’re going to take that over…but it is ALL talk. This person took one of the things over for ONE DAY, then it went back to the way it was before…but they still complain about it & have a problem with it, & still threatens to take it on themselves, but I don’t foresee that happening. Like I said, the last time it lasted one whole day. It is ok not to like the way someone else does something, BUT, in this case, if you want it to change, then, YOU have to take over, & give it some time. And, like this person has said, they’re so bored, they have nothing else to do…well, this could be your ticket to having something to do. Not like it will take the whole day or anything, but it will be more than what you were doing (staying home all day, watching the news ALL day long, yelling at said news on tv…) I know I WON’T be asking this person to do anything, because a close friend of ours TOLD me I was NOT to ask this person to do anything because this person is retired now, & is free to do with the time off what they want to do, especially not asking this person do to anything related to their job.

That is another thing that really annoyed me. Where does this friend get off telling me that I can’t ask this person to do anything? It is none of their business, UNLESS it is during a time that this person has set aside for the friend, like if they go on a trip or something. Even still, if they did, & something happened, I wouldn’t dream of taking this person away from their plans unless it was an absolute emergency. I would call this person, & ask what they think I should do, if it could wait till they got back, & if not, I would do what they said & take it to someone else or whatever. This friend has been acting very weird lately. A close family member was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease & has since passed away. This friend was totally taken by surprise by the diagnosis, as all of us were. I really feel for the friend, I couldn’t imagine what they’re going through. BUT, this weird behavior started before that happened with the family member. This friend got into a fight with another friend over something so stupid (they both have hearing issues, so it just got totally out of hand, then the 1 friend keeps poking the other one, figuratively speaking, & the other friend has gotten tired of it) & the close friend has been holding a grudge against this other friend, which has put ‘my’ person, as well as myself & ‘us’, in a bad position because we are friends with both people involved. Granted, we’ve been friends with the close friend a lot longer, BUT, the general consensus is that this close friend is in the wrong in the first place, as well as being in the wrong for holding a grudge, & just digging their feet in the sand about it. Like, if the close friend is over, & the other friend comes over, the close friend will make a hasty exit, or if the friend is over, & the close friend drives up & see’s their car, they will leave. One time, the close friend called the house phone FROM OUR DRIVEWAY, & asks if the friend is over, my person said yes, & the close friend said to call them when the friend leaves. The other friend said their peace to the close friend & has moved on. If the close friend is over our house or at a function that the friend is at, the friend will come on in anyway & not let the close friend dictate when & where they can show up. This friend figures, they’ve said their piece to the other close friend, it is time to move on. But, the close friend seems to want to emphasize their point & isn’t backing down on it. I’ve had friends that I have gotten into fights with, we’ve misunderstood each other, BUT, we have, also, talked about it, had each of our say’s, & worked through it. But, this close friend seems so dead set on proving some point, & isn’t going to budge an inch, SO sure that they’re right. There is, also, word around that this close friend is…not necessarily making enemies, but other friends of this close friend aren’t happy with them either. This close friend seems to be stepping on a LOT of toes, & making a lot of ‘friends’ back away. So, it’s not just me, or ‘us’ that this friend is acting weird around. One time, this friend came up to my person, & tried to start a fight (in my opinion) about something that the close friend read in a magazine, & the close friend didn’t have the specifics or anything, but it was about a topic that my person is, quite frankly, WAY beyond an expert on. It is like that meineke commercial, where the customer comes in & says their car is making a funny sound, then they try to duplicate the sound, & the mechanic says ‘oh, this is wrong with your car’, based solely on the noise the customer makes. My person does that, I kid you not! This close friend came to my person, & said that someone had taken this object, & did this to it, to which my person said no, they would do this, & it’d work. The friend said no, they left it as is, & it worked…this close friend kept arguing the point. My person asked if the friend was SURE that THAT was what they did, the friend said that they were pretty sure, & that they’d go look for the magazine again…that was about a year ago, & this friend has NOT mentioned it again. But, the friend was SO adamant that they did what this friend said, even though it made no sense for that to be done. It was like saying someone built a parking lot with 200 parking spots for a small diner that, at their busiest, would use only 50 parking spots. (and not be near anything where there would be an overflow from another lot or anything) BUT they built 200, but would only use 50…But, no, they wouldn’t do that…

Then, this close friend has a friend of the opposite sex that is living with them. I am pretty sure they are doing things between the sheets if you will. This opposite sex friend has been working in the friends yard, both at home, AND at another property this close friend owns. This ‘friend’ knows where all the expensive things that our close friend owns. This ‘friend’ used to be a druggie (& looks like it), & used to live under a bridge & was homeless. So, this I ask…WHAT THE F*ck is the friend thinking?! This friend had a dinner at their house, which was supposed to be a get-together of friends (girls/guys night…). It was supposed to be just those same sex friends, having dinner without the significant others. I guess, right as dinner was put on the table, out walks the opposite sex friend, & this friend had dinner with them & all that…My person said they were embarrassed for this friend, because NONE of the people there had invited their spouses or significant others to this dinner, with it being a gender specific dinner, while the spouses got together to hang out as well, someplace else. So, the whole evening got rather awkward. I don’t trust this ‘friend’ of our close friend. I try not to be a skeptic, or wary of anyone right off the bat-I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT, I just don’t trust this person…I can easily see this person having druggie friends who would sneak into places & steal stuff & sell it for the highest price. I would just hate to see this happen to our close friend. I met this friend BEFORE I found out that they were into drugs. Then, the close friend had the nerve to bring this friend to our house too…SOOO now this friend knows where we live, as well as some of the stuff that we have…Makes me feel quite uneasy about this person. Let’s hope I am wrong on this…

Anyway…After a few small posts, now this…holy moly! Ok, I should be good for a while…maybe…

Hard Decisions…

11 Aug

So, I got a new job…which means I had to quit one of my other jobs. Easy guess as to which one-the one that is one day a week…the one that was only supposed to last 6 to 8 weeks…the one that has progressively gone down hill for about the last 2-3 years or so. I have known this person for a long while now, & seeing her go downhill over that time has been hard, but I feel like that harder toll has been mental.

It has been tough working for this person lately. They have been super grumpy. There MAY be a reason for it recently, but it still doesn’t make it easy. This person had a fall close to 2 years ago. Since then, I’ve noticed a change. Not a big one, but one none-the-less. This person has been more snappy than normal-more so recently. I have noticed that I just sit down, & this person will say they have to go to the bathroom. I know, I know, you can’t control when you have to go. BUT this is after this person has had me running around like a chicken with its head cut off doing other jobs for this person. I start one thing, then this person tells me to do something else, which I do, then try to finish the first thing, only be put to another task. So, anyway, back to this person having to go to the bathroom. I get up, get the bucket for them to go #1, get to the bed, for this person to grumpily tell me that they have to go poop… I have tried so hard to be the best I can be, but it has been very hard with this person…with this person saying I need you to do this, then halfway through that, they need me to do this other thing, then move on to something else…all day long. I understand that this person obviously needs help, they are bed ridden at the moment, possibly for the rest of their life. I can’t imagine how it must feel…to be born with an affliction that leaves one with the almost need to have help for the simplest of things, but to then become independent, to go out & have a good time, to find that special someone, then to get married, & have a child. To do things beyond what is expected of you…to go from that to now, being bed ridden, not being able to get up on your own to go to the bathroom, not being able to get up to get yourself something to eat…I would be upset if it were me, BUT, I would try to keep an even head. I am not trying to say that this person is taking anything out on me, because I know this person isn’t just acting this way towards only me. It is tough, knowing this person for so long, & seeing them now.

I don’t know if it is the caring person inside me, but it’s almost like I feel responsible for them, like I am THE one that can do no wrong, am the one to take care of them. I guess it’s almost like an allegiance. This person would call, & I’d come running. (to be fair, I’d do this with all my jobs) After a while, I got tired of it, but what could I do? This person was calling me because the other people who were supposed to be there for them weren’t there. I felt it landed square on me to be the savior, if you will. But, after so long, I started to draw lines, doing more things for myself. I know this may sound selfish, but I am always doing things for everyone else, dropping everything to go to this person at the drop of a hat. It’s not that I don’t give a darn, or don’t care at all, I DO care, I DO give lots of darns, it’s just that I feel with this person, they know that I will drop everything when they call, they use me as kind of a crutch. I kind of feel bad that I have a new job & have to leave them, but I feel it is necessary. And, turns out I am not completely leaving this person-I am still going to come see the person 1 day a month to do some stuff. I can’t seem to shake this. I am not sure how long this will last, what with me having 2 other jobs. I just can’t seem to catch a break.

Then, on top of this, a certain family member is being weird again. They aren’t using the god given sense that was given to them. This family member texts me when they KNOW I am at my other job, which takes all of my attention most of the time. There are some pockets where I can look at my phone, talk on it, text, etc, BUT, most of the time, I am otherwise engaged. Well, this person got all but hurt because I wasn’t getting back to them RIGHT THEN…even though they KNOW that I was busy at that time, & that if I don’t get back to them right away, I am busy. They should know this, as I have told them this before, & to not worry about it, that if I don’t answer right away, I am busy, but I will get back to them when I can. This was after ‘that one incident’. About 10 years ago, one of my BFF’s & me were going to visit their mom who lives about half an hour away, to see a movie then go out to lunch. It was my day off, this person knew it was my day off, but they didn’t know that I had plans. This person is a family member of mine, but is NOT either of my parental units, SO, I didn’t feel the need to tell this person where I was going, as I am not duty bound to tell this person what I am doing, where I am going etc. I am not accountable to this person at all. Well, while I was driving from the theater to the restaurant (I didn’t know the way, so I was following my friends mom), this family member calls me once. Because I was driving, I didn’t answer the phone. This family member left me a message, so I figured, I would get it when I wasn’t driving. When we got to the restaurant, I got the message. I literally almost started crying when it was done. This family member was practically yelling at me because I didn’t answer the family member’s phone call, that I KNEW who was calling, & was deliberately not answering the phone BECAUSE it was this family member, that they needed my help & to go check on another family member. Mind you, this family member called me all of ONE time & left this message-so it wasn’t like they repeatedly called me & I didn’t answer. AND, this family member had no clue what I was doing, or where I was either that day, OR at the time that they called me. When I saw this person next (not at work), they made a snide remark about it, & I let go. I asked this person if they knew WHERE I was & WHAT I was doing that day, & at that time that they called me. They said no. So I told them that I was in another city, DRIVING down the road, following my friends mom because I didn’t know the way, & I asked this person if they were willing to pay to come get me & my friend out of jail, get my car out of impound, as well as pay for the ticket I get for talking on the phone while driving? That left this person sputtering & speechless. Since then, I don’t have much of a tolerance for this family member’s bullsh*t. They are always causing unnecessary drama, & just plain not being smart-like, really being honest to god stupid, not just acting that way.

Anyway…

Knowing When to Say No…

7 Aug

Sometimes, knowing when to put your foot down can be a problem. Other times, the door opens itself for you. Sometimes, no matter WHAT the situation, you can find it hard to actually put your foot down & say no to something or someone. I am finding myself at a crossroads.

The person I am working for has steadily declined recently. I have been conflicted about whether I should quit that job. I recently decided it was time, with the hours getting cut in my other job. I am pretty sure I have another job, so I put in my notice. I was nervous about it, knowing that this person has become extremely dependent on me being there for everything-even when I wasn’t on the clock. All this person had to do was call & I would go running. In talking to a family member of this person’s, they said that this person did the same thing to the person working for them before me. This whole job hasn’t gone as planned. It was only supposed to be for 6 to 8 WEEKS, now, almost 5 YEARS later, I am still there. Everytime I thought about leaving, I felt immense guilt, because I felt I was letting both the person that I work for as well as the family down for leaving. I guess I felt sort of responsible for this person. But, in the time since I started, this person has declined, has had a couple of accidents, & is now pretty much confined to laying down. I’ve tried to help this person as much as possible, but I am just not that physically strong a person to be able to pick this person up as much as this person needs. I have felt this way for a while, but I’ve kept with it, thinking maybe things would get better…but that just hasn’t been the case. Then, on top of this, the person has been snappy & grumpy lately. It hasn’t been just with me. That has, also, been wearing on me too. It wasn’t a bad working environment, but I personally felt tense. To preface this next part, I know this is PART of the job, but this person would give me a few things to do, so I’d start in on them, then the person would interrupt me to do something else, then I would do that, then, the person would have to go to the bathroom. So, I’d finish everything, then they’d have me do something else. I’d finally sit down for literally 2 seconds, then they’d have to poop. On top of everything, this person can’t hear as well as they used to, which has, I’m sure, made this person more grumpy. So, I hopefully have found a new job, that will hopefully free up some time for me. I will, however, still have to help this person out some…so it still isn’t a clean break. I’m not sure how long that will last…

It’s just been stressful lately, on top of working 6 days a week for…I can’t even remember how long now. Then, I am finding that trying to eat good & exercise has taken a backseat of sorts. I sure hope the grass is greener on the other side of this story. Hopefully no more bumps or drama…

Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?¬† I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…

SSDD

4 Feb

Same Shit…Different Day…

Same argument, different day…

As a best friend, you’re allowed to be brutally honest with them right? Maybe not ALL the time (like telling them they look like a hooker in a certain dress or something like that…maybe soften the honesty a bit so as to not hurt their feelings…) BUT, when they keep getting into the same fight with their spouse over the same thing that happened (if you could even call it that) like almost 7 years ago now…like, at what point do you say enough is enough?! When do you say I have had enough of this shit…LET IT GO! My brain is literally about to explode because of this…AGAIN! (I’m warning you now, things may be a bit jumbled because of this-you’ve had fair warning) This friend can’t seem to let it go. Ok, so, at bachelor/bachlorette party that the friends had for the future spouse, they went to a strip club (which my BFF did NOT want them to do…HELLO! It’s f-ing tradition!), & the future spouse gave a back rub to a half naked person…the (now) spouse did not (both at that time, nor at ANY time in their relationship-pre AND post wedding) have any kind of sexual relations with anyone else other than my BFF. The spouse is NOT that type of person. The spouse dotes on my BFF, when the first child was born, the spouse ran himself ragged doing everything my BFF needed/wanted done…it was CRAZY to watch them. I, personally, would not have done a lot of the stuff that the spouse did, were I in that position, not to mention that a lot of what the spouse did SHOULD have been stuff that my BFF should have been doing (involving pumping of milk, among other things) It is totally obvious that the spouse is in love with my BFF, but my BFF seems to be fixated on 2 things that the spouse has done. 1-being said back massage, & also relating to that, not telling my BFF for 4 years, & supposedly not even telling my BFF, that my BFF had to work it out on their own. And 2, the spouse watching porn, & according to my BFF, having an addiction to it-which I don’t think is the case. I get it, that they don’t want their young child/children to walk in on that sort of thing, BUT that being said, my BFF has said that he/she doesn’t need it often…well, males are different than females, AND in that, every male is different from 1 another, as is the same for females. Some of us just need it more than others, so if you’re not willing to put out as often as your significant other, either get them off another way, or let them do that themselves.

 

I know, I’ve only had 1 relationship, what do I know? What possible experience do I have that I could give my BFF? I’ve never been married. The best I could give my BFF is my outside view of the situation, & what I would do if I were in that situation. That being said, after all this time, after how many fights-all over the same 2 issues, when will it ever end?! At this point, it is beating the dead horses great grand child…It’s in the past, & not recent past either! It should be long dead & buried, but it seems to be coming back again & again. I just don’t get how & why this person keeps bringing this up, why this is still an issue. I get it, that the now spouse gave someone else a back rub right before they got married…BUT (!!!) that was all…It was a back rub to a stranger ONE time, they never saw each other afterward or since. Like I said, the spouse LOVES my BFF, it is totally obvious! I get it that the spouse never told my BFF, & (according to my BFF) my BFF worked it out on one’s own…I would be a little upset too….BUT (!!!) almost 7 years later, it would NOT still be this much of an issue! Yes, it’d be a blip on the radar of history, BUT it wouldn’t be something I’d go out of my way to make it another fight over! Same thing goes for the whole porn issue. If I didn’t feel like doing anything (either totally into it-no pun intended-, or helping out), then I’d just let my significant other take care of himself with the help of porn.

I love¬† my BFF, I really do, but some of the stuff that bothers said BFF really baffles me. It has me asking myself ‘Is that REALLY a problem? AND is it THAT big of a problem that you would be starting a fight over it?’ And, I also wonder how many fights over the same things is my BFF going to start before said BFF learns? This BFF is very head strong, & very bull headed. I would hate to see anything bad happen, like a separation or divorce. I honestly don’t think my BFF has any idea of all the things that the spouse does for both my BFF & their family. Unfortunately, when said BFF realizes (if at all) what a find the spouse is, it’ll be too late. To say I am shocked at the way life has turned out for this BFF is an understatement-I wouldn’t have thought that this BFF would have what they do at this point. Don’t get me wrong, said BFF is doing a good job, BUT I don’t think that, given the chance, that said BFF could do it all alone…I might be surprised though…who knows?

Neglecting One’s Job…

15 Jan

I try not to talk about my jobs, but this has been bothering me. 1 of the people I work with has not been doing a good job at our job. The job is not a hard job, our boss is very easy to work for, doesn’t ask for a lot, isn’t 1 of those hard-a** ball busters…just a very easy person to work for. But, I feel this co-worker is taking advantage of our boss. (Let me name them CW for short) We all are getting paid to be there for our boss, to help them when needed, & do what our boss wants us to do (cook meals, take them to the potty, run a quick errand now & again, keep the house clean-which isn’t normally hard to do). CW, however, is gone most of the days that they are getting paid to be there, working. I understand being gone on their days off, & not wanting to do anything work related…HOWEVER, sometimes, on days ‘off’, you sometimes have to do work related things, so a day ‘off’ isn’t really a day off all the time. I get ONE day off a week, I don’t have the luxury of having 2 days off, like most people, CW included. That being said, I still have things to do on my day off…I don’t want to, but if I don’t, they won’t get done, so I bite the bullet, & do it. Not CW, they say they’re off, & cant & don’t do anything work related. They wait until RIGHT before I am ready to leave to start their laundry, they put some of their laundry (that me or our other co-worker washes for our boss, not for CW!!) into the dirty laundry bin for our boss, which means that me or our other co-worker does some of CW’s laundry, & CW doesn’t chip in to pay for any of it, or put in for laundry soap or anything. CW is always complaining & in a bad mood about something…there is ALWAYS something! On the days that CW is SUPPOSED to be ‘at work’, if you will, they spend MOST of the day away from ‘work’. I get it, that it is tough to always be ‘at work’, & sometimes you need a break outside of work, BUT when you are getting paid to BE THERE, & you’re not…that just isn’t right. And, then, when CW IS at work, they are in a foul mood, & doesn’t do any cleaning what so ever, so our work space has gone downhill in the way of cleanliness. Our boss, unfortunately, can’t get up to do it, & tells us that it is not me & my other co-workers job to clean up after CW. If our boss was still up & around, it would be all of our jobs to share to clean up, but since the ‘mess’ is only from CW, it doesn’t fall under my co-workers or my job titles. We work for our boss, not CW. That being said, I don’t see how she can let our work space get to the point that it has gotten. CW knows what their days off are going to be (barring either me or my co-worker getting sick or hurt or whatever) in advance. They should plan ahead of time to do all the shopping (in town or out of town, or just shopping of any kind) on their day or days off. Maybe 1 day, plan to do all the shopping, then the other day off, do laundry, & cleaning up the work area or whatever needs to be done. There are so many different ways to do things, they can even do a little bit every day they ‘work’ so they just have to worry about doing things involving leaving the work area on their days off. The amount of work that needs to be done to keep our work area clean is very minimal-the work space isn’t big, it’s a very open space, so, all that really needs to be done on a regular basis is sweeping the floors, moping the areas that don’t have rugs (which is about half the floor area), vacuuming the areas with rugs, wiping down the counters, table & stove, keeping up on the dishes, dusting the other areas, & doing laundry (which me or my other co-worker usually do). As far as working goes, it’s very simple. Plus, taking care of our boss, like I said, isn’t hard. Our boss is very flexible. Our boss tells us when their hungry, what they want to eat, when they have to go to the bathroom, if anything needs to be done (shopping, going to the bank, refilling prescriptions, filling their prescription holder for the week…). There’s usually gaps of time in between these tasks where we are idle…BUT we are THERE, waiting, in case our boss happens to need us (like when they have to go potty or poop, things that aren’t part of a set schedule…you have to go when you get the urge).

That is another thing. CW gets really upset when our boss gets the urge. CW acts all bent out of shape, like it comes at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME for CW. As if our boss having to go potty at that exact moment was planned by our boss, knowing that CW was busy, & that it is SUCH an inconvenience to CW to take that MAYBE 10 minutes out of that moment to do CW’s job. That is what we are getting paid for. That is clearly stated in our job description. We get an updated job description every year, stating what we are expected to do for our boss…it is literally there in black & white. If CW has a problem with it, maybe they should seek other employment…that being said, they will NEVER find another job like this 1. CW will be in for a very rude awakening if & when they get another job. Not everyone is so easy going as our boss. I feel like CW has gotten comfortable, so CW doesn’t realize how much they have going for them. They have a roof over their head, food in the kitchen, clothes on their back, a steady paying job…not to mention some perks like having internet, cable, & a phone. In some countries, that would be considered living like royalty…& here CW is, complaining, in a bad mood, abusing the job (if you will)…& just plain acting ungrateful. Ok, so maybe CW has a couple of health issues, BUT, they’re still alive, & it’s not like these issues are really inhibiting CW’s life! It’s not like they had to have a cast on their arm, or really limiting their life physically. I know people who have it way worse & don’t complain period, let alone as much as CW. I get down on myself just like anyone else does, I have my bad days, my grumpy moments just like anyone else. BUT those don’t rule my life, like they seem to do with CW. I am by no means an optimist, BUT I am not a constant downer like CW is. From the moment they wake up in the morning, to when they go to bed at night, EVERYTHING is horrible, EVERYTHING is doom & gloom, & poor me…there is NOTHING good in CW’s world. Like I said, they have a roof over their head, food to eat, clothes on their back, a paying job, & friends…as far as things go, how much better can things get?!

All this negativity seems to be hard to get away from. I feel like I am ALWAYS surrounded by a black bubble of negativity all the time. It gets very tiring, & very taxing. I always feel tired, drained, depleted. I have been holing myself up, taking time for myself, away from all the negative vibes, which has helped some. Anyway, That seems to be all for now…

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…