The Blame Game…

I coughed twice because I was drinking a cold drink, & you’d think I sprouted a 2nd head, & was about to spit up split pea soup. Just when I was starting to feel almost ok again, I have been slapped back down into my own personal hell…the one in my head that noone knows about, the one that noone seems to notice. I have always only wanted to be loved, to feel like I was special in my own way. I never wanted to be here, to feel like this, to feel so alone, alienated. I never wanted to feel like I am unloved, like I can do nothing right, like everything I do or say is wrong. And I feel like it’s snowballing all the time. Just when I think I’m in the clear, like things are getting back to being ok, I stumble over a rock…then another one…all I know now is that I feel like I’m drowning here, wondering why I am here? Both in this house & on this earth. I have 2 bright rays of sunshine that mean the world to me, but I am wondering if I’m doing them any good? I still live at home, I don’t have a college degree, I don’t have a high paying job…I am a failure, a stupid one at that. I am not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me, I am saying this because this is what I believe in my head, & this is what I keep saying over & over in my head. In my head, I am being told that I’m no good, I can’t do anything right, I am a huge failure, noone could possibly love me, that I am not worth anything, that I am not worthy of being loved, of having anything…I feel inferior to everything & everyone…& this pandemic has only made it worse on me. It’s been harder on everyone else too, I know, but it has a trickle down effect…& I am at the bottom of the barrel, so imagine how bad things can be for me? Especially since I have a skewed view of myself…so I am told. I am told by outsiders that I am a good person with a lot to offer, that I deserve love & to be happy…Then why am I so sad all the time? Why am I still alone if I’m such a great person? Why can’t people in my own family love me? No matter what I do, they will never notice me or love me. I feel like undercooked spaghetti…I keep getting thrown up against a wall, & keep falling off…I will never stick. Back to those rays of light…I feel like I have stayed around to be here for them, but with that, I have a few questions…why? What could I possibly have to offer them? My answer to the second question is one thing I never felt I had from most people I know-unconditional love. Someone who will always be there for them, be their friend, someone they can go to with anything…but is that enough? Will they WANT to come to me? Will they think of me that way? Will I even be good at that? I don’t seem to be good at anything else I do, what makes me think I’d be good at this? I love these angels with all my heart & being, but am I really helping them? Or am I doing them more harm by being around? I can apply these questions to anyone I know, plus so many more. Am I really worth it? What do I have to offer? I feel like everyone can say they are someone important-they were a school cook, a teacher, a mechanic, a checker at an important store…but what can I say about me? What do I do that makes me better? Noticeable? What makes me different than anyone else, for the better? What do I have to offer that anyone else doesn’t? Again, all the inner workings of my messed up head tell me that I’m nothing, that I am no better, that I am worse, in fact. That I have no redeeming qualities what-so-ever. That there is nothing good about me, that I am no good & of no use to society or anyone else. Round & Round they, where they stop, noone knows. I can’t seem to catch a break, I can’t seem to get close enough to tread water, to dig myself out far enough to stay above ground long enough to catch my breath…