Tag Archives: insecure

Knowing When to Say No…

7 Aug

Sometimes, knowing when to put your foot down can be a problem. Other times, the door opens itself for you. Sometimes, no matter WHAT the situation, you can find it hard to actually put your foot down & say no to something or someone. I am finding myself at a crossroads.

The person I am working for has steadily declined recently. I have been conflicted about whether I should quit that job. I recently decided it was time, with the hours getting cut in my other job. I am pretty sure I have another job, so I put in my notice. I was nervous about it, knowing that this person has become extremely dependent on me being there for everything-even when I wasn’t on the clock. All this person had to do was call & I would go running. In talking to a family member of this person’s, they said that this person did the same thing to the person working for them before me. This whole job hasn’t gone as planned. It was only supposed to be for 6 to 8 WEEKS, now, almost 5 YEARS later, I am still there. Everytime I thought about leaving, I felt immense guilt, because I felt I was letting both the person that I work for as well as the family down for leaving. I guess I felt sort of responsible for this person. But, in the time since I started, this person has declined, has had a couple of accidents, & is now pretty much confined to laying down. I’ve tried to help this person as much as possible, but I am just not that physically strong a person to be able to pick this person up as much as this person needs. I have felt this way for a while, but I’ve kept with it, thinking maybe things would get better…but that just hasn’t been the case. Then, on top of this, the person has been snappy & grumpy lately. It hasn’t been just with me. That has, also, been wearing on me too. It wasn’t a bad working environment, but I personally felt tense. To preface this next part, I know this is PART of the job, but this person would give me a few things to do, so I’d start in on them, then the person would interrupt me to do something else, then I would do that, then, the person would have to go to the bathroom. So, I’d finish everything, then they’d have me do something else. I’d finally sit down for literally 2 seconds, then they’d have to poop. On top of everything, this person can’t hear as well as they used to, which has, I’m sure, made this person more grumpy. So, I hopefully have found a new job, that will hopefully free up some time for me. I will, however, still have to help this person out some…so it still isn’t a clean break. I’m not sure how long that will last…

It’s just been stressful lately, on top of working 6 days a week for…I can’t even remember how long now. Then, I am finding that trying to eat good & exercise has taken a backseat of sorts. I sure hope the grass is greener on the other side of this story. Hopefully no more bumps or drama…

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Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?  I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…

Neglecting One’s Job…

15 Jan

I try not to talk about my jobs, but this has been bothering me. 1 of the people I work with has not been doing a good job at our job. The job is not a hard job, our boss is very easy to work for, doesn’t ask for a lot, isn’t 1 of those hard-a** ball busters…just a very easy person to work for. But, I feel this co-worker is taking advantage of our boss. (Let me name them CW for short) We all are getting paid to be there for our boss, to help them when needed, & do what our boss wants us to do (cook meals, take them to the potty, run a quick errand now & again, keep the house clean-which isn’t normally hard to do). CW, however, is gone most of the days that they are getting paid to be there, working. I understand being gone on their days off, & not wanting to do anything work related…HOWEVER, sometimes, on days ‘off’, you sometimes have to do work related things, so a day ‘off’ isn’t really a day off all the time. I get ONE day off a week, I don’t have the luxury of having 2 days off, like most people, CW included. That being said, I still have things to do on my day off…I don’t want to, but if I don’t, they won’t get done, so I bite the bullet, & do it. Not CW, they say they’re off, & cant & don’t do anything work related. They wait until RIGHT before I am ready to leave to start their laundry, they put some of their laundry (that me or our other co-worker washes for our boss, not for CW!!) into the dirty laundry bin for our boss, which means that me or our other co-worker does some of CW’s laundry, & CW doesn’t chip in to pay for any of it, or put in for laundry soap or anything. CW is always complaining & in a bad mood about something…there is ALWAYS something! On the days that CW is SUPPOSED to be ‘at work’, if you will, they spend MOST of the day away from ‘work’. I get it, that it is tough to always be ‘at work’, & sometimes you need a break outside of work, BUT when you are getting paid to BE THERE, & you’re not…that just isn’t right. And, then, when CW IS at work, they are in a foul mood, & doesn’t do any cleaning what so ever, so our work space has gone downhill in the way of cleanliness. Our boss, unfortunately, can’t get up to do it, & tells us that it is not me & my other co-workers job to clean up after CW. If our boss was still up & around, it would be all of our jobs to share to clean up, but since the ‘mess’ is only from CW, it doesn’t fall under my co-workers or my job titles. We work for our boss, not CW. That being said, I don’t see how she can let our work space get to the point that it has gotten. CW knows what their days off are going to be (barring either me or my co-worker getting sick or hurt or whatever) in advance. They should plan ahead of time to do all the shopping (in town or out of town, or just shopping of any kind) on their day or days off. Maybe 1 day, plan to do all the shopping, then the other day off, do laundry, & cleaning up the work area or whatever needs to be done. There are so many different ways to do things, they can even do a little bit every day they ‘work’ so they just have to worry about doing things involving leaving the work area on their days off. The amount of work that needs to be done to keep our work area clean is very minimal-the work space isn’t big, it’s a very open space, so, all that really needs to be done on a regular basis is sweeping the floors, moping the areas that don’t have rugs (which is about half the floor area), vacuuming the areas with rugs, wiping down the counters, table & stove, keeping up on the dishes, dusting the other areas, & doing laundry (which me or my other co-worker usually do). As far as working goes, it’s very simple. Plus, taking care of our boss, like I said, isn’t hard. Our boss is very flexible. Our boss tells us when their hungry, what they want to eat, when they have to go to the bathroom, if anything needs to be done (shopping, going to the bank, refilling prescriptions, filling their prescription holder for the week…). There’s usually gaps of time in between these tasks where we are idle…BUT we are THERE, waiting, in case our boss happens to need us (like when they have to go potty or poop, things that aren’t part of a set schedule…you have to go when you get the urge).

That is another thing. CW gets really upset when our boss gets the urge. CW acts all bent out of shape, like it comes at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME for CW. As if our boss having to go potty at that exact moment was planned by our boss, knowing that CW was busy, & that it is SUCH an inconvenience to CW to take that MAYBE 10 minutes out of that moment to do CW’s job. That is what we are getting paid for. That is clearly stated in our job description. We get an updated job description every year, stating what we are expected to do for our boss…it is literally there in black & white. If CW has a problem with it, maybe they should seek other employment…that being said, they will NEVER find another job like this 1. CW will be in for a very rude awakening if & when they get another job. Not everyone is so easy going as our boss. I feel like CW has gotten comfortable, so CW doesn’t realize how much they have going for them. They have a roof over their head, food in the kitchen, clothes on their back, a steady paying job…not to mention some perks like having internet, cable, & a phone. In some countries, that would be considered living like royalty…& here CW is, complaining, in a bad mood, abusing the job (if you will)…& just plain acting ungrateful. Ok, so maybe CW has a couple of health issues, BUT, they’re still alive, & it’s not like these issues are really inhibiting CW’s life! It’s not like they had to have a cast on their arm, or really limiting their life physically. I know people who have it way worse & don’t complain period, let alone as much as CW. I get down on myself just like anyone else does, I have my bad days, my grumpy moments just like anyone else. BUT those don’t rule my life, like they seem to do with CW. I am by no means an optimist, BUT I am not a constant downer like CW is. From the moment they wake up in the morning, to when they go to bed at night, EVERYTHING is horrible, EVERYTHING is doom & gloom, & poor me…there is NOTHING good in CW’s world. Like I said, they have a roof over their head, food to eat, clothes on their back, a paying job, & friends…as far as things go, how much better can things get?!

All this negativity seems to be hard to get away from. I feel like I am ALWAYS surrounded by a black bubble of negativity all the time. It gets very tiring, & very taxing. I always feel tired, drained, depleted. I have been holing myself up, taking time for myself, away from all the negative vibes, which has helped some. Anyway, That seems to be all for now…

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Dating Sites…

18 Dec

This is a hard post for me to write. I know I’ve shared a lot of information about me in all my posts, but I feel this is by far the most baring 1 to date. You can’t make everyone happy, at least not at the same time…I live by this, & it always seems like I’m on the opposite end of this quite often-there is ALWAYS someone mad or upset about something I’ve said, done, or a decision I have made. That is out of my reach, I know, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better sometimes. I don’t want anyone around me to fight with each other or with me. I know that’s inevitable, it can’t be helped.

That being said, I happen to be on a couple of dating sites…I know, enter judging comments here. It seems like everyone has an opinion on them. In the right context, & carefully used & navigated, they can be a good thing…but it seems, so often, we hear the horror stories about them. I feel compelled to say that I am being super careful about everything. That being said, I got a message last night from someone I don’t know, never been contacted by this person before last night. The message read ‘Jesus Christ! No. Have you ever exercised a day in your life?’ I’ll be the first to admit, I am overweight, yes I have issues with weight, & all that comes with it. I have self esteem issues, self worth issues, & no confidence period, let alone in myself. I am always suspicious of anyone who shows me attention of any sort, always sure that it must be a prank, or a  joke (after a lifetime of being treated like that, plus worse-god knows I’ve repressed 95% of everything that’s been said & done to me throughout my life) And, being the butt of the jokes, never getting picked for sports or anything team or duo related, can you really blame me for being hesitant & doubting? I have had a lifetime of everyone looking at me, & giving me that look of superiority, & of looking down upon me, like the step mother looked at Cinderella…like how could I even DARE think I was worthy of breathing the same air as them…all because I am overweight. They do the same thing to people with disabilities. Then, it’s like they’re only civil to me because there’s a teacher present, or because I am a friend of a friend, or they’re related to me, or because they have some sick ulterior motive. They never look passed the outside packaging. They just see what’s on the outside, & fully judge me by what I look like. That is nothing new (like I said, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life). I can say I have grown a somewhat thick skin after all these years. But this still hurt me through & through. I feel devastated. I feel like a failure in every way, I feel so ugly, so grotesque & hideous, so unlovable. It is a funny thing, the thoughts of a complete stranger. I don’t know this person from anyone reading this blog. This person is NOTHING to me, but with 1 small message, with 12 words, this person has hurt me so deeply, I am borderline devastated. Right now, I hate myself so much, I don’t even want to be friends with me. And, if I can’t love me, how is anyone else supposed to? I know myself well enough to say that I am overweight, & I’m quirky (I’m 1 of those awkward people who say the exact wrong thing at the right time & then everyone gives you that ‘oh, she’s special’ look…most of the time, I feel like everyone puts up with me because they’re either related to me or have known me too long), but do I not deserve to be loved? To have all the life experiences I choose to have? If I want to get my ears pierced, who’s to stop me? If I want to get a tattoo, who’s to say no? If I want to go skydiving (which will never happen, as I am scared of heights), why can’t I go?

In being a people watcher, I’ve seen many people I grew up with, some popular, some not…they ALL seem to have an air about them, they all seem to be so at ease with themselves, so confident in themselves, never questioning themselves, or their friends, just very ok with themselves & everyone around them. What I wouldn’t GIVE to be like that. Not to have to worry about every single person that says hi to you, & wondering what their angle is-why are they talking to me? What is motivating them? What’s their agenda? A while back, in high school, someone I’d known for a bit over 10 years (probably about 12 or so) came up to me, & my 2 best friends, & was like ‘hey how are you doing?’ & was kind of hovering around my backpack (on my back), & ended up taping a picture of scantily clad women onto my backpack-like we’ve all seen done in movies. Hahaha, everyone laughed, including my best friends, I took it off, threw it away, yeah, it was funny, blah blah blah. But, this was happening to me…& the person in question was a friend of my cousins, who was always nice to me before, so I never had a reason to question him. And people wonder why I have trust issues, & I always expect the worst of everyone around me, why I never let anyone in. Being different in whatever way you are exposes you to the flipside of life, you see all that certain type of bad-just people being mean & bullying others, being judgemental & superficial…& you see people like me, good, nice people, getting hurt, getting called names, being put down, getting teased, made fun of, all the time. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole, with people like me getting beat down all the time, I just get back up then blam! I have to wonder why I keep getting back up & dusting myself off? It is said everyone has 1 true soul mate. I am just trying to find mine, but now, I am VERY skeptical I will. After all, I’ve got many aunts, uncles, cousins, & other family members who either aren’t married anymore, or have never had that special someone, but they seem like they’re ok. I just feel so lonely…then I see a happy couple, or a fighting couple, & think, I want something like that! I want someone who will love me unconditionally, someone who will fight with me 1 minute, but then fight for me the second someone else says something bad about me. At this point, I feel like all hope is lost…nothing holding me here but gravity…Anyway, I hope everyone has a good night, hopefully better than mine.

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

6 Oct

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

20 Sep

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…