Dark Ages

It’s been a while, but I’m still here. Still battling/suffering the ups & downs of depression. I know I have it, but I find it hard to admit it to the people around me, because it isn’t a physical injury, or anything anyone can see. It isn’t visible. It is in my mind, in the things the I think, the way I think, the way I see things…& something no one else can see, so does it still exist? I feel like people would more easily believe that aliens exist, even though they can’t see them, then to believe that I have depression. I don’t usually say anything to anybody about it, just a certain very few people. There is a stigma associated with depression, negative stigmas, & most people don’t understand, don’t take the time to understand, don’t ask questions, or if questions ARE asked, they’re usually asked in a way to make the other person feel bad about it. I want so bad to just come out & say it, without people, family members, pitying me, or doubting what I say, just because they can’t SEE it, because its not a broken bone sticking out of your leg, your leg isn’t broken…I don’t want to be treated differently, but I want to be able to truly be me, & if I’m having a down day, to be able to say it, & not be analyzed…like WHY are you in a down mood? SOMEthing must’ve happened that got you in a bad mood…Not always, sometimes, it’s as simple as seeing something that reminds me of an old friend who I’m not friends with anymore. Or hearing a song that reminds me of a particularly sad event in my life. I am a huge music person, so I associate music to everything in my life. It isn’t always something happening that could change my mood completely. I feel like there is a heavy weight inside me, both with having to live with depression, & feeling like I’m in hiding with it, that I can’t come out & share that burden, or let it out. When I started seeing a therapist, I told my dad that I was seeing a doctor…every week, I’m going to see the doctor…He noticed that, & asked if there was something wrong with me 1 week. So I told him the truth, which took a huge jump for me, like I said, I haven’t shared that with many people. I could tell that telling him that I was seeing a therapist took him completely by surprise, & he asked if something was bothering me. I told him lots of things were bothering me, & had been bothering me for a while. That felt good, but I didn’t specifically say I was (& still am) depressed. I feel like I can’t talk to my dad, & certain other people in my family. The first one is because he isn’t open minded. His extent to being open minded is someone being gay, not anything else like being lesbian, transgendered, or god forbid, the topic of them being married.  I feel like he’s very black & white…you can talk about some things with him, & that’s a safe zone, but other things, he’ll blow a gasket & shut down. I feel like he can be honest with everyone else, but if you were the same kind of honest with him, he gets defensive & shuts down, & everyone is picking on him, poor him, he’s all alone. And, sometimes, the way he presents the truth he’s telling comes across as mean. I’ve been on the other end of a few of those, where he’s asking or saying something, but it comes across as him being extremely mad about it, rather then concern. It seems like I’m a child in trouble for doing something bad, rather than him being worried & worried asking about something. God forbid, you try to be honest with him on things you’ve witnessed him do. He’s not an alcoholic, but when he drinks, he gets mean, & he doesn’t see that. He has lost weight somewhat recently, & he can’t drink as much as he used to before, & he doesn’t realize that, even though he has said that. Sometimes, once he starts, he doesn’t see how bad he is, or how mean he gets. A couple times, someone has said to him that he’s gotten mean when he drinks, & he’s gotten enraged & he turned beligerent & tried to start a fight with them. (not a physical fight, just a verbal one) I understand the idea that you don’t want to think that you, yourself, are not perfect, or that you have faults, BUT it’s something else when you can dish out about other peoples faults & not take it when people are just trying to be nice to you & point it out, especially when its something that is affecting them in a negative way, & you basically throw a child like tantrum on them. I don’t want to turn this around to be about someone else. I have depression, I got help, but now, with this COVID happening, I haven’t gone to see a therapist for a while, & I am definitely feeling it. I feel like, on top of life, & having depression, I can’t come out & say that to some people. And it is weighing on me even more. It’s like 1 more brick on the load on my back…which brick will be the 1 to break my back? I think my mood today started with a dream I had last night about an old friend that passed away a few years go, & just really missing the person, which somehow turned into my being super down on myself for all my shortcomings…

My sunshine will turn into sorrow, As a dream of the love you once knew

So, I’ve had a lot of time to sit & think about a lot of things. One thing I’ve realized, is that I’m still not over my ex, & I doubt I ever truly will be. While I go through daily life, acting like I’m ok, add a smile to my face, I still hurt. I feel like a failure. How, you may ask? Because all he really needed was space, & I was doing my best to give him space, yet, knowing how I feel when I want space & wanting someone to still check on me because they are worried about me & care about me. The old addage, do unto others as you’d have done to you, apparently rings true only to some people or certain times. I guess. Then, I keep thinking that I’m not good enough for anyone, because certain family members have always treated me like that & pretty much alluded to that my whole life. There’s so many reasons I can think of that I can attribute to things happening in my life that seem to point to me being alone forever…I was the fat kid in school, & kids were VERY mean & unforgiving…not like a good pair of spandex pants, there was absolutely no give. I sometime wish I could go back through my life & childhood with the knowledge I have now, & do things differently. And, I definitely wouldn’t have stayed with my first boyfriend as long as I did, & I wouldn’t have started going with my 2nd BF at all. Hindsight is 20/20. All this time since we have broken up isn’t worth what little happiness we had. We only dated for 13 short months….13 months of pure bliss, reduced to the last year & a half of pure torture. I got broken up with by the same person twice in a 14 day period. The first time lasted one day, the next day, he supposedly came to his senses, & I was so happy that I took him back without even thinking. Then, 13 days later, he ended it again, for good this time. But, he wanted to stay friends. Against my better judgement, I agreed…Little did I know that I was getting on the whiplash roller coaster. He didn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even look at me or in my direction, for almost a week, then started talking to me like nothing was wrong. Trust me, I was very cautious. When we went to say goodbye, I said I’d text him later, to which he got very tongue tied & said no, I couldn’t do that…I know that look & what you’re thinking…that quirk of your head, one eyebrow going up, but we’re friends, right? Yep, that is what I did & said to him…he ‘wasn’t ready for that yet’…OOOOOHHHHH-kay…It went on like this for a while…I never knew what mood he would be in towards me from day to day, & I have always had a good workplace environment until this. It was a bit unnverving on top of the normal un-nerviness of what was going on between me & him, & my now ex-BFF & me (& him too, because the 2 of them were still normal) The 3rd time he talked to me after we broke up, I actually looked around me, behind me, to make sure he was really talking to me, & even asked him if he was talking to me…He was like ‘Yeah, who else would I be talking to…?’ It may have been sarcastic, & a tad not nice, but I said ANYone else but me…but honestly, that’s how I felt. He had spent most of the time since we’d broken up not acknowledging me, like I was a ghost, like I didn’t exist. Oh, but we were still friends….I had talked to him twice, one of the times away from work, about that exact issue. I was completely honest with him, which I have troubles with in general because I don’t want people to feel like I am attacking them because I know what it’s like being on the other end of something like that. But, I was honest & open, & asked what was up, saying that he was being shady, that I get the ‘we’re friends’ line, but then get completely ignored for however long, then, he would come up to me & it’s like anyone would be with a friend, & only for a bit, get the ‘we’re friends’ line again, & I mention texting him later, & he spazzes out & says no, I can’t text him. I told him I understand if he needs space, & that I’d give it to him, BUT, he couldn’t keep doing this to me. I told him HE had a decision to make, because when he broke up with me the 2nd time, & said he wanted to stay friends, that he’d leave the decision up to me. He said he did want to stay friends & would quit doing that. Which kind of happened. While he wasn’t so up, down, black white, left right, & such, he was somewhat consistent, even starting to text me. But, even that started to go to the side of the road. Since this whole virus hit, I was forced to quit my job, & at first, he was texting me on a somewhat regular basis, but it has since dropped off. He said he wasn’t easy to scare away, but he isn’t trying to be my friend anymore, hasn’t texted me in months. HE was the one pushing to stay friends, & I agreed to be open to it…only to get hurt again. He even eluded to being friends with benefits in the beginning, I shut that down without even thinking. Thank god for small favors. I want to be over this so bad, & I feel like I am to a certain extent, but I still hurt. I still WANT a relationship, I know they’re not perfect, BUT, I WANT SO MUCH to have someone love me unconditionally, who will choose me over someone else, not for any other reason than they SEE me, see what a good person I am & WANT that too. While family & a few close friends have always loved me, I feel like there’s a piece missing for me. I have a lot of love to give, I keep getting told that, but I haven’t seemed to find someone that will stay. I see people fighting with their significant others, loving them, toasting the good AND bad times, celebrating anniversaries, celebrating each other, & I want that. I see that & I end up feeling more alone & alienated because I don’t have that & feel like I never will have that. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them, I am happy that they have someone to fight with, to celebrate with…but I also feel longing, because I will never have that. I keep getting told that it’ll show up when I least expect it…right…the 2nd boyfriend happened that way, & look how that turned out. Forgive me if I don’t want to just jump right back into that. I am still scared & gunshy that I’ll get my heart broken again, & I won’t be able to survive it this next time. I don’t EVER want to go through this again. But I just want to feel again, feel special, have someone to be happy with.

Coronavirus, Feelings, & What Becomes of the Brokenhearted…

So, this whole corona virus has everyone in an uproar. Yesterday, I got into a fight with someone, which got me to thinking…& not the good kind of thinking either. Got me telling myself that I am a bad person, I am a fuck up, that I just can’t seem to do anything right, that I’m not worth a goddamned thing. And, all right before my birthday, thank you very much. As if I didn’t need a reminder at a better time. Then, today, that person asks what I’m doing for my birthday…after making me feel like crap for going outside & possibly bringing the coronavirus to someone at risk who I’d NEVER want to give it to. And, really? With all this going on, what can we POSSIBLY do for my birthday? The only real option would be to do our usual, which wasn’t planned & therefore, we don’t have anything we need, so looks like its postponed…or forgotten in the mix all together.

I’ve gone my whole life with most people remembering my birthday, & a very few who didn’t remember (& those few are the 1’s who fucked me up over & over again, & have made me feel less than inferior). Those few who didn’t/haven’t remembered shouldn’t matter to me one bit, but somehow, they have this power over me that it DOES matter to me. I’ve tried SO hard my whole life to try to get them notice me, to give me a pat on the back, & they never took notice. It is so hard to just let that go & not affect me, because now anything that happens, I automatically blame me, even if I’m not involved. Or like with my last ex (or should I say 2?), & my ex-friend…they both had issues not related to me, & both chose to take me out of their lives with next to no explanation. I am over here, beating myself up over it because I wasn’t the ‘perfect’ girlfriend, ‘perfect’ friend to them, so therefore, its all my fault that I wasn’t better. On one hand, I’m tired of always feeling like I’m always to blame for everything, but then I wonder how everyone else sees me? For example, if my ex, who claimed to love me, or a best friend, who claimed to always be there for me & love me like a sister, could both dump me so fast, & not be the least bit sad about it, & a few days later, be laughing with each other right in front of me….what does that say about me? They must not have cared for me at all, so they duped me, which makes me think that I am not worth a darned thing. I guess, after a year, I should be feeling better, & most of the time I do. But there’s those times, like now, where I am floundering, where I am questioning everything, & everyone…And I take what is probably a harsher look at myself then what a lot of people think is healthy. I want to be around for my nephews, I want to be a good person, I want so much for myself, but I feel like I’m not good enough, like I don’t deserve anything good, let alone what I want. I feel like I am damaged goods, I have nothing going for me, I’m not pretty, I am awkward, overweight, who would or could ever like or love that? I wonder why people are friends with me? What do they see when they look at me? What good do they see in me? When I look at myself, I see flaws, I know I am overweight, by society standards, I am ugly-I am overweight, & just plain un-pretty. I really relate to the TLC song ‘Unpretty’.

I am not one of those people who takes things for granted, I know I have good things in my life. For a little over a year, I had a great man, I knew it & I was thankful for it every damned day! And where did that get me? I had one more best friend, & she had personnal issues & shut me out, & now I have lost her too. I am feeling 2 losses to 2 people I was very close with, & both of them happened at the same time. Most of the time, I’m ok, happy even. But other times, like now, I really feel it, I really feel the losses & the distances. And I wonder how I’ve survived this? I feel like the world is trying to push me down, but I keep on getting up, I can’t quit.

What Becomes of the Brokenhearted…

I have been gone a while. So much has happened. I was in a wonderful, happy relationship with the ‘perfect’ guy…just short of 13 months (the irony of that isn’t lost on me…’lucky’ number 13), he broke up with me.

To be fair, there was an incredibly lot of stress in his life lately (mine too, but not as bad as his), not to mention that it was mentioned that I was clingy. Noone likes being told about their faults, myself included…and I get it, he has a lot going on in his life right now. But, isn’t that the time you need someone most? Some people want space when they’re angry or upset, I get that.

I want to be wanted, I want to be needed. I want to feel like I am helping someone, like they can’t live without me, like they want to share their life with me-& not that I am forcing their hand, if you will. I want someone to completely be with me, & completely be of their accord, not out of obligation, or for any other reason than they WANT to be there, they WANT to be with me, they WANT to share things with me…they want to share the ups & downs of their day with me, or the nightmare they had last night, what their scared of, or what makes them over the moon happy. I know that we are going to need our time alone, our time for ourselves, we will have secrets. I want to be free to have a girls night out, & for him to have his man nights. I want him to feel free to do things on his own, as well as me having the freedom to do the same. That being said, I like us having our together time as well, our bonding time. I love just being together, cuddling up next to each other, snuggling, watching a movie. It made me feel special, like I was sharing something so special, we could take on the world together.

I knew what I had with this person, he was my person-I felt a connection. You know when you meet someone, & you feel something, some kind of connection, like something good falls into place? Then, you get to know them, & you feel comfortable really early in? I felt that with him. I felt a deep connection. We had a talk & decided to stay friends…I am still struggling, both with the breakup AND with this whole staying friends. Imagine this: you find someone so special, you see what is right in front of you, you know you have this special relationship, you don’t take any of it for granted, you KNOW you had the best thing ever-something you have been dreaming about, wanting so badly for your whole life, & you finally find it…& a bunch of drama land in one of your laps, & you 2 staying together is just 1 too many things to deal with for 1 of you. 2 weeks ago, we took a short break…1 day to be exact before he came to his senses, & realized he ‘couldn’t live without us being together’…then, fast forward 2 weeks, & we’re done, finished. So, I ask myself (quite often…) what did I do wrong? How can I NOT keep a guy like him? What is so fundamentally wrong with me that I can’t keep an independent man? All I have ever wanted was someone to share my life with, to make happy memories with, to fight with, to love with my whole heart. I wasn’t picky-he didn’t have to be rich, or good looking…I just ask that he be gainfully employed, a good guy, just macho enough-not conceited, but macho enough to kill a spider, or open a door for me, pay for a meal…not because he HAS to-I can do any of those things-but because he wants to. Yes, I like to hang out, & I understand that having our own time & our own space is important, being independent of each other, BUT I also like to be together, do things together, I wonder what he’s doing throughout the day, share thoughts or what I’m doing…Is it so wrong wondering what the other person is doing? Wanting to be together? I can’t put into words how heartbroken I am right now, sometimes I am ok, but other times, I am fighting so hard to hold back the tears-it literally takes everything I have to keep the tears at bay. Then, having a best friend that is going through a bunch of stuff too, & has been distant, I feel like 2 people have left me. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me-one of my rocks has been ripped away, then my best friend has stuff going on & wants space because that’s how this friend deals with things…so it’s not necessarily out of the ordinary…but I just feel so useless, so unwanted, so unloved…I know 2 of the most important people in my life have major things going on right now, but I feel shut out by both of them, like they don’t need me at all, like I mean nothing to either of them, but they talk to each other, they’re really close to each other…I feel like a third wheel, like they could just so easily take it off & become a bicycle & be totally fine & happy, like nothing was missing, like I was never there…I feel like nobody would miss me if I just up & moved somewhere else & started new…I am completely & utterly forgettable & replaceable…

So, It’s Here Again…

So, the depression is here again in full force. Do you ever feel like a failure? Or maybe you just don’t belong in your own family or friends circle? Or that every move you make, every thing you say is being scrutinized, & you are coming up lacking or worse, coming up as being ‘that’ family member or friend that is just so weird? You get ‘those’ looks from your fam &/or friends that clearly states that they think you are totally weird, & just wish you would excuse yourself. Then, there is the accompanying ‘oh yeah sure’, or ‘oh ok’s’ that you get, in that condescending way that they both look at you & talk to you. But, then, you try to appease them, & go to leave, then they’re all like ‘no, you don’t have to leave…where are you going? We want you to stay…’ Uh huh….that look you JUST gave me, & what you JUST said to me says you want me to leave even more than you want me to stay. In my world, I start getting that feeling like you’re being looked at by the whole room, or you walk into a room & it gets quiet…like you were just being talked about, & boom, there you are, so all conversations cease. Yeah, I didn’t notice that at all, & with that, I am gone! When I get that feeling, almost like I am unwelcome, or that they’d rather not have me there, I wonder what would happen if I just up & snuck out? Like I was there, then all of a sudden I was gone. I wonder IF anyone would notice? It is more probable that my disappearance would go unnoticed than if I asked how long it’d take for my absence to be noticed.

So often, I wonder how much of an impact I am making on people by being here? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few people I love beyond my insecurities that I am sticking around for. But, I wonder if I am doing them any good by being in their lives? Am I affecting them in a positive way? When I AM gone, will they look back with fond, happy memories?  Or will their memories of me be stained with embarrassment because I was the weird one? And I was the one that always said & did the weird things. I have never felt like I have been FULLY accepted by…anyone. I feel like my family puts up with me because they are my family, & that most of my friends are my friends because they feel sorry for me or something. I don’t have a significant other, that is another thing that seems to elude me. It makes me feel even MORE unlovable that I already feel. I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Like there’s those people that know exactly what to say at exactly the right time, know exactly what to do in any situation…I guess you could say they are well bred if you will, not necessarily that they are rich or high class or anything, they’re just those perfect types of person. Then, there are the country bumpkin types that were raised in a barn-leaving doors open, wearing all types of wrong clothes, saying the wrong things….I feel like that is me, but that I am even a loner in that group as well, like even THEY’VE shunned me too. It is at times like this that I wonder why I just don’t get in contact with one of those witness protection programs & talk to them about getting a new identity somewhere else. Just become someone completely new in a new town. Obviously, it wouldn’t be witness protection, but just a new start. In a series of fictional romance novels I am reading, this motorcycle club helps people out with that kind of stuff. Sometimes I sure wish I could find something like that. They’re set in an east coast state (fictionally obviously) where a friend of mine has family, SOOOO if it were real, that option would probably be out for me because they know me. Sometimes, I would just love to know that I have a happily ever after. That all this crap I am going through, have gone through, all the ups & downs in my life, everything, isn’t for nothing, that there is a purpose for me. I feel like I am always giving, & that there is nothing more for me, that nobody notices everything that I am doing & do….do. Do certain people REALLY realize that the services I give are free, that everything I have done for the last almost 6 years have been with love? The care I have given to 2 special little people in my life isn’t like any kind of care they’d receive from anyone else? I love those 2 little people, as well as a couple other little people, like they are my own-the love runs that deep! I would not be able to survive without any of them-just the thought is unbearable! I guess you might say they are my reason for living, for why I am still here, but sometimes I don’t feel like it is truly appreciated. I just want to feel special, to feel loved. I don’t always feel that from the people around me. That is where the whole disappearing thing comes up. I know I would be miserable without a few people in my life, but sometimes I feel like I’d be able to deal with it just to allow others to gain perspective-the perspective of life without me in it, without all the stuff that I do, just life without me in it at all. Then, thoughts wander back to the dark side-wondering if they’d miss me? Wondering if they’d think ‘oh good riddance’…wondering if they’d notice. I know they’d most likely get along just fine without me, but to JUST KNOW that they would miss me, that they’d know that I was gone, & that it’d cause a hole in their life without me being there.

I guess I’ll leave it there for right now, I feel a little bit better right now.

Round & Round We Go…

Someone I know loves to play the pity party in their favor quite often…despite their claims that they don’t. They NEVER want to go anywhere, then complain that they never do anything, they’re stuck at home all the time. This person MADE that decision. There is LOTS of things that this person CAN do. They even have their own car that they can get themselves to & from things with. The only thing holding them back is themselves….oh they don’t want to do that alone *in whiny voice*. Well, don’t complain that you never do or get to do anything…YOU made the choice NOT to do it. You are a fully grown adult, capable of making your own decisions AND you have money, a license, a car, directional knowledge that can get to the places you want to go. YOU CHOSE NOT TO! End of story. Or so we think…

This person is ALWAYS dragging their feet about going to any kind of party, no matter who or what its for, or where the party is. This person is always a negative force for going out to a party. But, then, they get there, then it gets late, & we’re all ready to leave, & this person who we practically had to DRAG out of our house to go to this party suddenly doesn’t want to LEAVE. They want to stay SO bad…When we FINALLY get this person to leave, then they’re talking about going out to a bar or bars in town…then there’s a pity party because noone wants to go with them…because its midnight, we’re all tired from preparing for the party, then being at said party, & then the late hour. Then, at least one of us has to be up somewhat early the next morning because we have to work. So, excuse me, but no, I would NOT like to go out & be the only person NOT drinking at the bar, watching all the drunken idiots act like drunken idiots…Then, when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, this person turns into a petulant child & says ‘well, fine, I’ll just walk then.’ *cue dramatic eye roll & sigh here* Then, this turns into a fight…which I despise. I know it is a part of life, but it seriously gives me heartburn & an anxiety attack just thinking about it. This person isn’t a drunk, but when they do drink, they don’t realize that they can’t have as much as they used to due to a few reasons. AND they don’t see how they act when they are drunk (this can be said about a couple people in my family…) There is a very thin line for this person as to me being ok with them having some drinks, & just plain being ok, & them being an asshole. When this person crosses the line, they are mean to most everybody, & you can’t tell them what to do (like stop drinking…oh my god! There will be a world war of epic proportions!). It’s like this person suddenly is mad about the life that they have, & starts taking it out on their spouse, like it is ALL, COMPLETELY, the spouses fault. They don’t seem to think that they have done a single thing wrong. News flash-your sh*t doesn’t smell like roses either. There are some things that this person doesn’t like how the spouse does it, & is always ‘saying’ they’re going to take that over…but it is ALL talk. This person took one of the things over for ONE DAY, then it went back to the way it was before…but they still complain about it & have a problem with it, & still threatens to take it on themselves, but I don’t foresee that happening. Like I said, the last time it lasted one whole day. It is ok not to like the way someone else does something, BUT, in this case, if you want it to change, then, YOU have to take over, & give it some time. And, like this person has said, they’re so bored, they have nothing else to do…well, this could be your ticket to having something to do. Not like it will take the whole day or anything, but it will be more than what you were doing (staying home all day, watching the news ALL day long, yelling at said news on tv…) I know I WON’T be asking this person to do anything, because a close friend of ours TOLD me I was NOT to ask this person to do anything because this person is retired now, & is free to do with the time off what they want to do, especially not asking this person do to anything related to their job.

That is another thing that really annoyed me. Where does this friend get off telling me that I can’t ask this person to do anything? It is none of their business, UNLESS it is during a time that this person has set aside for the friend, like if they go on a trip or something. Even still, if they did, & something happened, I wouldn’t dream of taking this person away from their plans unless it was an absolute emergency. I would call this person, & ask what they think I should do, if it could wait till they got back, & if not, I would do what they said & take it to someone else or whatever. This friend has been acting very weird lately. A close family member was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease & has since passed away. This friend was totally taken by surprise by the diagnosis, as all of us were. I really feel for the friend, I couldn’t imagine what they’re going through. BUT, this weird behavior started before that happened with the family member. This friend got into a fight with another friend over something so stupid (they both have hearing issues, so it just got totally out of hand, then the 1 friend keeps poking the other one, figuratively speaking, & the other friend has gotten tired of it) & the close friend has been holding a grudge against this other friend, which has put ‘my’ person, as well as myself & ‘us’, in a bad position because we are friends with both people involved. Granted, we’ve been friends with the close friend a lot longer, BUT, the general consensus is that this close friend is in the wrong in the first place, as well as being in the wrong for holding a grudge, & just digging their feet in the sand about it. Like, if the close friend is over, & the other friend comes over, the close friend will make a hasty exit, or if the friend is over, & the close friend drives up & see’s their car, they will leave. One time, the close friend called the house phone FROM OUR DRIVEWAY, & asks if the friend is over, my person said yes, & the close friend said to call them when the friend leaves. The other friend said their peace to the close friend & has moved on. If the close friend is over our house or at a function that the friend is at, the friend will come on in anyway & not let the close friend dictate when & where they can show up. This friend figures, they’ve said their piece to the other close friend, it is time to move on. But, the close friend seems to want to emphasize their point & isn’t backing down on it. I’ve had friends that I have gotten into fights with, we’ve misunderstood each other, BUT, we have, also, talked about it, had each of our say’s, & worked through it. But, this close friend seems so dead set on proving some point, & isn’t going to budge an inch, SO sure that they’re right. There is, also, word around that this close friend is…not necessarily making enemies, but other friends of this close friend aren’t happy with them either. This close friend seems to be stepping on a LOT of toes, & making a lot of ‘friends’ back away. So, it’s not just me, or ‘us’ that this friend is acting weird around. One time, this friend came up to my person, & tried to start a fight (in my opinion) about something that the close friend read in a magazine, & the close friend didn’t have the specifics or anything, but it was about a topic that my person is, quite frankly, WAY beyond an expert on. It is like that meineke commercial, where the customer comes in & says their car is making a funny sound, then they try to duplicate the sound, & the mechanic says ‘oh, this is wrong with your car’, based solely on the noise the customer makes. My person does that, I kid you not! This close friend came to my person, & said that someone had taken this object, & did this to it, to which my person said no, they would do this, & it’d work. The friend said no, they left it as is, & it worked…this close friend kept arguing the point. My person asked if the friend was SURE that THAT was what they did, the friend said that they were pretty sure, & that they’d go look for the magazine again…that was about a year ago, & this friend has NOT mentioned it again. But, the friend was SO adamant that they did what this friend said, even though it made no sense for that to be done. It was like saying someone built a parking lot with 200 parking spots for a small diner that, at their busiest, would use only 50 parking spots. (and not be near anything where there would be an overflow from another lot or anything) BUT they built 200, but would only use 50…But, no, they wouldn’t do that…

Then, this close friend has a friend of the opposite sex that is living with them. I am pretty sure they are doing things between the sheets if you will. This opposite sex friend has been working in the friends yard, both at home, AND at another property this close friend owns. This ‘friend’ knows where all the expensive things that our close friend owns. This ‘friend’ used to be a druggie (& looks like it), & used to live under a bridge & was homeless. So, this I ask…WHAT THE F*ck is the friend thinking?! This friend had a dinner at their house, which was supposed to be a get-together of friends (girls/guys night…). It was supposed to be just those same sex friends, having dinner without the significant others. I guess, right as dinner was put on the table, out walks the opposite sex friend, & this friend had dinner with them & all that…My person said they were embarrassed for this friend, because NONE of the people there had invited their spouses or significant others to this dinner, with it being a gender specific dinner, while the spouses got together to hang out as well, someplace else. So, the whole evening got rather awkward. I don’t trust this ‘friend’ of our close friend. I try not to be a skeptic, or wary of anyone right off the bat-I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT, I just don’t trust this person…I can easily see this person having druggie friends who would sneak into places & steal stuff & sell it for the highest price. I would just hate to see this happen to our close friend. I met this friend BEFORE I found out that they were into drugs. Then, the close friend had the nerve to bring this friend to our house too…SOOO now this friend knows where we live, as well as some of the stuff that we have…Makes me feel quite uneasy about this person. Let’s hope I am wrong on this…

Anyway…After a few small posts, now this…holy moly! Ok, I should be good for a while…maybe…

MERRY Christmas…

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Dating Sites…

This is a hard post for me to write. I know I’ve shared a lot of information about me in all my posts, but I feel this is by far the most baring 1 to date. You can’t make everyone happy, at least not at the same time…I live by this, & it always seems like I’m on the opposite end of this quite often-there is ALWAYS someone mad or upset about something I’ve said, done, or a decision I have made. That is out of my reach, I know, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better sometimes. I don’t want anyone around me to fight with each other or with me. I know that’s inevitable, it can’t be helped.

That being said, I happen to be on a couple of dating sites…I know, enter judging comments here. It seems like everyone has an opinion on them. In the right context, & carefully used & navigated, they can be a good thing…but it seems, so often, we hear the horror stories about them. I feel compelled to say that I am being super careful about everything. That being said, I got a message last night from someone I don’t know, never been contacted by this person before last night. The message read ‘Jesus Christ! No. Have you ever exercised a day in your life?’ I’ll be the first to admit, I am overweight, yes I have issues with weight, & all that comes with it. I have self esteem issues, self worth issues, & no confidence period, let alone in myself. I am always suspicious of anyone who shows me attention of any sort, always sure that it must be a prank, or a  joke (after a lifetime of being treated like that, plus worse-god knows I’ve repressed 95% of everything that’s been said & done to me throughout my life) And, being the butt of the jokes, never getting picked for sports or anything team or duo related, can you really blame me for being hesitant & doubting? I have had a lifetime of everyone looking at me, & giving me that look of superiority, & of looking down upon me, like the step mother looked at Cinderella…like how could I even DARE think I was worthy of breathing the same air as them…all because I am overweight. They do the same thing to people with disabilities. Then, it’s like they’re only civil to me because there’s a teacher present, or because I am a friend of a friend, or they’re related to me, or because they have some sick ulterior motive. They never look passed the outside packaging. They just see what’s on the outside, & fully judge me by what I look like. That is nothing new (like I said, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life). I can say I have grown a somewhat thick skin after all these years. But this still hurt me through & through. I feel devastated. I feel like a failure in every way, I feel so ugly, so grotesque & hideous, so unlovable. It is a funny thing, the thoughts of a complete stranger. I don’t know this person from anyone reading this blog. This person is NOTHING to me, but with 1 small message, with 12 words, this person has hurt me so deeply, I am borderline devastated. Right now, I hate myself so much, I don’t even want to be friends with me. And, if I can’t love me, how is anyone else supposed to? I know myself well enough to say that I am overweight, & I’m quirky (I’m 1 of those awkward people who say the exact wrong thing at the right time & then everyone gives you that ‘oh, she’s special’ look…most of the time, I feel like everyone puts up with me because they’re either related to me or have known me too long), but do I not deserve to be loved? To have all the life experiences I choose to have? If I want to get my ears pierced, who’s to stop me? If I want to get a tattoo, who’s to say no? If I want to go skydiving (which will never happen, as I am scared of heights), why can’t I go?

In being a people watcher, I’ve seen many people I grew up with, some popular, some not…they ALL seem to have an air about them, they all seem to be so at ease with themselves, so confident in themselves, never questioning themselves, or their friends, just very ok with themselves & everyone around them. What I wouldn’t GIVE to be like that. Not to have to worry about every single person that says hi to you, & wondering what their angle is-why are they talking to me? What is motivating them? What’s their agenda? A while back, in high school, someone I’d known for a bit over 10 years (probably about 12 or so) came up to me, & my 2 best friends, & was like ‘hey how are you doing?’ & was kind of hovering around my backpack (on my back), & ended up taping a picture of scantily clad women onto my backpack-like we’ve all seen done in movies. Hahaha, everyone laughed, including my best friends, I took it off, threw it away, yeah, it was funny, blah blah blah. But, this was happening to me…& the person in question was a friend of my cousins, who was always nice to me before, so I never had a reason to question him. And people wonder why I have trust issues, & I always expect the worst of everyone around me, why I never let anyone in. Being different in whatever way you are exposes you to the flipside of life, you see all that certain type of bad-just people being mean & bullying others, being judgemental & superficial…& you see people like me, good, nice people, getting hurt, getting called names, being put down, getting teased, made fun of, all the time. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole, with people like me getting beat down all the time, I just get back up then blam! I have to wonder why I keep getting back up & dusting myself off? It is said everyone has 1 true soul mate. I am just trying to find mine, but now, I am VERY skeptical I will. After all, I’ve got many aunts, uncles, cousins, & other family members who either aren’t married anymore, or have never had that special someone, but they seem like they’re ok. I just feel so lonely…then I see a happy couple, or a fighting couple, & think, I want something like that! I want someone who will love me unconditionally, someone who will fight with me 1 minute, but then fight for me the second someone else says something bad about me. At this point, I feel like all hope is lost…nothing holding me here but gravity…Anyway, I hope everyone has a good night, hopefully better than mine.

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…