Tag Archives: depressed

Round & Round We Go…

13 Aug

Someone I know loves to play the pity party in their favor quite often…despite their claims that they don’t. They NEVER want to go anywhere, then complain that they never do anything, they’re stuck at home all the time. This person MADE that decision. There is LOTS of things that this person CAN do. They even have their own car that they can get themselves to & from things with. The only thing holding them back is themselves….oh they don’t want to do that alone *in whiny voice*. Well, don’t complain that you never do or get to do anything…YOU made the choice NOT to do it. You are a fully grown adult, capable of making your own decisions AND you have money, a license, a car, directional knowledge that can get to the places you want to go. YOU CHOSE NOT TO! End of story. Or so we think…

This person is ALWAYS dragging their feet about going to any kind of party, no matter who or what its for, or where the party is. This person is always a negative force for going out to a party. But, then, they get there, then it gets late, & we’re all ready to leave, & this person who we practically had to DRAG out of our house to go to this party suddenly doesn’t want to LEAVE. They want to stay SO bad…When we FINALLY get this person to leave, then they’re talking about going out to a bar or bars in town…then there’s a pity party because noone wants to go with them…because its midnight, we’re all tired from preparing for the party, then being at said party, & then the late hour. Then, at least one of us has to be up somewhat early the next morning because we have to work. So, excuse me, but no, I would NOT like to go out & be the only person NOT drinking at the bar, watching all the drunken idiots act like drunken idiots…Then, when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, this person turns into a petulant child & says ‘well, fine, I’ll just walk then.’ *cue dramatic eye roll & sigh here* Then, this turns into a fight…which I despise. I know it is a part of life, but it seriously gives me heartburn & an anxiety attack just thinking about it. This person isn’t a drunk, but when they do drink, they don’t realize that they can’t have as much as they used to due to a few reasons. AND they don’t see how they act when they are drunk (this can be said about a couple people in my family…) There is a very thin line for this person as to me being ok with them having some drinks, & just plain being ok, & them being an asshole. When this person crosses the line, they are mean to most everybody, & you can’t tell them what to do (like stop drinking…oh my god! There will be a world war of epic proportions!). It’s like this person suddenly is mad about the life that they have, & starts taking it out on their spouse, like it is ALL, COMPLETELY, the spouses fault. They don’t seem to think that they have done a single thing wrong. News flash-your sh*t doesn’t smell like roses either. There are some things that this person doesn’t like how the spouse does it, & is always ‘saying’ they’re going to take that over…but it is ALL talk. This person took one of the things over for ONE DAY, then it went back to the way it was before…but they still complain about it & have a problem with it, & still threatens to take it on themselves, but I don’t foresee that happening. Like I said, the last time it lasted one whole day. It is ok not to like the way someone else does something, BUT, in this case, if you want it to change, then, YOU have to take over, & give it some time. And, like this person has said, they’re so bored, they have nothing else to do…well, this could be your ticket to having something to do. Not like it will take the whole day or anything, but it will be more than what you were doing (staying home all day, watching the news ALL day long, yelling at said news on tv…) I know I WON’T be asking this person to do anything, because a close friend of ours TOLD me I was NOT to ask this person to do anything because this person is retired now, & is free to do with the time off what they want to do, especially not asking this person do to anything related to their job.

That is another thing that really annoyed me. Where does this friend get off telling me that I can’t ask this person to do anything? It is none of their business, UNLESS it is during a time that this person has set aside for the friend, like if they go on a trip or something. Even still, if they did, & something happened, I wouldn’t dream of taking this person away from their plans unless it was an absolute emergency. I would call this person, & ask what they think I should do, if it could wait till they got back, & if not, I would do what they said & take it to someone else or whatever. This friend has been acting very weird lately. A close family member was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease & has since passed away. This friend was totally taken by surprise by the diagnosis, as all of us were. I really feel for the friend, I couldn’t imagine what they’re going through. BUT, this weird behavior started before that happened with the family member. This friend got into a fight with another friend over something so stupid (they both have hearing issues, so it just got totally out of hand, then the 1 friend keeps poking the other one, figuratively speaking, & the other friend has gotten tired of it) & the close friend has been holding a grudge against this other friend, which has put ‘my’ person, as well as myself & ‘us’, in a bad position because we are friends with both people involved. Granted, we’ve been friends with the close friend a lot longer, BUT, the general consensus is that this close friend is in the wrong in the first place, as well as being in the wrong for holding a grudge, & just digging their feet in the sand about it. Like, if the close friend is over, & the other friend comes over, the close friend will make a hasty exit, or if the friend is over, & the close friend drives up & see’s their car, they will leave. One time, the close friend called the house phone FROM OUR DRIVEWAY, & asks if the friend is over, my person said yes, & the close friend said to call them when the friend leaves. The other friend said their peace to the close friend & has moved on. If the close friend is over our house or at a function that the friend is at, the friend will come on in anyway & not let the close friend dictate when & where they can show up. This friend figures, they’ve said their piece to the other close friend, it is time to move on. But, the close friend seems to want to emphasize their point & isn’t backing down on it. I’ve had friends that I have gotten into fights with, we’ve misunderstood each other, BUT, we have, also, talked about it, had each of our say’s, & worked through it. But, this close friend seems so dead set on proving some point, & isn’t going to budge an inch, SO sure that they’re right. There is, also, word around that this close friend is…not necessarily making enemies, but other friends of this close friend aren’t happy with them either. This close friend seems to be stepping on a LOT of toes, & making a lot of ‘friends’ back away. So, it’s not just me, or ‘us’ that this friend is acting weird around. One time, this friend came up to my person, & tried to start a fight (in my opinion) about something that the close friend read in a magazine, & the close friend didn’t have the specifics or anything, but it was about a topic that my person is, quite frankly, WAY beyond an expert on. It is like that meineke commercial, where the customer comes in & says their car is making a funny sound, then they try to duplicate the sound, & the mechanic says ‘oh, this is wrong with your car’, based solely on the noise the customer makes. My person does that, I kid you not! This close friend came to my person, & said that someone had taken this object, & did this to it, to which my person said no, they would do this, & it’d work. The friend said no, they left it as is, & it worked…this close friend kept arguing the point. My person asked if the friend was SURE that THAT was what they did, the friend said that they were pretty sure, & that they’d go look for the magazine again…that was about a year ago, & this friend has NOT mentioned it again. But, the friend was SO adamant that they did what this friend said, even though it made no sense for that to be done. It was like saying someone built a parking lot with 200 parking spots for a small diner that, at their busiest, would use only 50 parking spots. (and not be near anything where there would be an overflow from another lot or anything) BUT they built 200, but would only use 50…But, no, they wouldn’t do that…

Then, this close friend has a friend of the opposite sex that is living with them. I am pretty sure they are doing things between the sheets if you will. This opposite sex friend has been working in the friends yard, both at home, AND at another property this close friend owns. This ‘friend’ knows where all the expensive things that our close friend owns. This ‘friend’ used to be a druggie (& looks like it), & used to live under a bridge & was homeless. So, this I ask…WHAT THE F*ck is the friend thinking?! This friend had a dinner at their house, which was supposed to be a get-together of friends (girls/guys night…). It was supposed to be just those same sex friends, having dinner without the significant others. I guess, right as dinner was put on the table, out walks the opposite sex friend, & this friend had dinner with them & all that…My person said they were embarrassed for this friend, because NONE of the people there had invited their spouses or significant others to this dinner, with it being a gender specific dinner, while the spouses got together to hang out as well, someplace else. So, the whole evening got rather awkward. I don’t trust this ‘friend’ of our close friend. I try not to be a skeptic, or wary of anyone right off the bat-I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. BUT, I just don’t trust this person…I can easily see this person having druggie friends who would sneak into places & steal stuff & sell it for the highest price. I would just hate to see this happen to our close friend. I met this friend BEFORE I found out that they were into drugs. Then, the close friend had the nerve to bring this friend to our house too…SOOO now this friend knows where we live, as well as some of the stuff that we have…Makes me feel quite uneasy about this person. Let’s hope I am wrong on this…

Anyway…After a few small posts, now this…holy moly! Ok, I should be good for a while…maybe…

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Dating Sites…

18 Dec

This is a hard post for me to write. I know I’ve shared a lot of information about me in all my posts, but I feel this is by far the most baring 1 to date. You can’t make everyone happy, at least not at the same time…I live by this, & it always seems like I’m on the opposite end of this quite often-there is ALWAYS someone mad or upset about something I’ve said, done, or a decision I have made. That is out of my reach, I know, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better sometimes. I don’t want anyone around me to fight with each other or with me. I know that’s inevitable, it can’t be helped.

That being said, I happen to be on a couple of dating sites…I know, enter judging comments here. It seems like everyone has an opinion on them. In the right context, & carefully used & navigated, they can be a good thing…but it seems, so often, we hear the horror stories about them. I feel compelled to say that I am being super careful about everything. That being said, I got a message last night from someone I don’t know, never been contacted by this person before last night. The message read ‘Jesus Christ! No. Have you ever exercised a day in your life?’ I’ll be the first to admit, I am overweight, yes I have issues with weight, & all that comes with it. I have self esteem issues, self worth issues, & no confidence period, let alone in myself. I am always suspicious of anyone who shows me attention of any sort, always sure that it must be a prank, or a  joke (after a lifetime of being treated like that, plus worse-god knows I’ve repressed 95% of everything that’s been said & done to me throughout my life) And, being the butt of the jokes, never getting picked for sports or anything team or duo related, can you really blame me for being hesitant & doubting? I have had a lifetime of everyone looking at me, & giving me that look of superiority, & of looking down upon me, like the step mother looked at Cinderella…like how could I even DARE think I was worthy of breathing the same air as them…all because I am overweight. They do the same thing to people with disabilities. Then, it’s like they’re only civil to me because there’s a teacher present, or because I am a friend of a friend, or they’re related to me, or because they have some sick ulterior motive. They never look passed the outside packaging. They just see what’s on the outside, & fully judge me by what I look like. That is nothing new (like I said, I’ve been dealing with this my whole life). I can say I have grown a somewhat thick skin after all these years. But this still hurt me through & through. I feel devastated. I feel like a failure in every way, I feel so ugly, so grotesque & hideous, so unlovable. It is a funny thing, the thoughts of a complete stranger. I don’t know this person from anyone reading this blog. This person is NOTHING to me, but with 1 small message, with 12 words, this person has hurt me so deeply, I am borderline devastated. Right now, I hate myself so much, I don’t even want to be friends with me. And, if I can’t love me, how is anyone else supposed to? I know myself well enough to say that I am overweight, & I’m quirky (I’m 1 of those awkward people who say the exact wrong thing at the right time & then everyone gives you that ‘oh, she’s special’ look…most of the time, I feel like everyone puts up with me because they’re either related to me or have known me too long), but do I not deserve to be loved? To have all the life experiences I choose to have? If I want to get my ears pierced, who’s to stop me? If I want to get a tattoo, who’s to say no? If I want to go skydiving (which will never happen, as I am scared of heights), why can’t I go?

In being a people watcher, I’ve seen many people I grew up with, some popular, some not…they ALL seem to have an air about them, they all seem to be so at ease with themselves, so confident in themselves, never questioning themselves, or their friends, just very ok with themselves & everyone around them. What I wouldn’t GIVE to be like that. Not to have to worry about every single person that says hi to you, & wondering what their angle is-why are they talking to me? What is motivating them? What’s their agenda? A while back, in high school, someone I’d known for a bit over 10 years (probably about 12 or so) came up to me, & my 2 best friends, & was like ‘hey how are you doing?’ & was kind of hovering around my backpack (on my back), & ended up taping a picture of scantily clad women onto my backpack-like we’ve all seen done in movies. Hahaha, everyone laughed, including my best friends, I took it off, threw it away, yeah, it was funny, blah blah blah. But, this was happening to me…& the person in question was a friend of my cousins, who was always nice to me before, so I never had a reason to question him. And people wonder why I have trust issues, & I always expect the worst of everyone around me, why I never let anyone in. Being different in whatever way you are exposes you to the flipside of life, you see all that certain type of bad-just people being mean & bullying others, being judgemental & superficial…& you see people like me, good, nice people, getting hurt, getting called names, being put down, getting teased, made fun of, all the time. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole, with people like me getting beat down all the time, I just get back up then blam! I have to wonder why I keep getting back up & dusting myself off? It is said everyone has 1 true soul mate. I am just trying to find mine, but now, I am VERY skeptical I will. After all, I’ve got many aunts, uncles, cousins, & other family members who either aren’t married anymore, or have never had that special someone, but they seem like they’re ok. I just feel so lonely…then I see a happy couple, or a fighting couple, & think, I want something like that! I want someone who will love me unconditionally, someone who will fight with me 1 minute, but then fight for me the second someone else says something bad about me. At this point, I feel like all hope is lost…nothing holding me here but gravity…Anyway, I hope everyone has a good night, hopefully better than mine.

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

6 Oct

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

20 Sep

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…

Well…NOW I’m Worried…

3 Jun

Ok, so the lady I’ve been working for has a live in. She has had this live in for about a year & a half now. Everything was going great for about 6 months…then the live in suddenly got this skin condition-REALLY red skin, dry, itchy, scaly, peeling…It was EVERYwhere! Who knows how long this was building up. So the live in went to the regular doctor, who sent her to a dermatologist, who said she had scabies, then it wasn’t, it was something else, then it was psoriasis, then it was eczema, then they didn’t know what it was. There is obviously something wrong with her, she complains that it hurts & itches ALL the time, BUT she won’t go to the dermatologist or specialist. I get it that it is hard for her to get out of town to go to the doctor with her not having a car or license, BUT she has friends that can take her, she has TWO days off per week, ONE of those days is a weekday, SOOOO she can go, she just has to set it up with a friend of hers (which she has many) to take her. Or, worse comes to worse, she can take the bus!!! There are ways that she can get there! She just went recently, & they still have no idea what it is, BUT the doctor (I am pretty sure it was the dermatologist) told her that she needed to get a pap smear & a mammogram to find out what she has…say what? What the hell is that supposed to do? I mean, that will tell her if she has a female part cancer, but how is that mandatory to tell her what she has on her skin? Oh, & then, she said that depending on the results from those, she might not be able to take care of the lady I work for anymore…Things are just getting curiouser & curiouser if you ask me…This lady has literally been a nightmare to work with according to our ‘boss’. The live in is constantly cursing up a storm, always complaining about her condition, always complaining about having to get up to toilet our boss, has cried for a couple of days at a time, slamming things down…I’ve been there when the live in has said  something rude in a very rude tone & manner, then started laughing, like she was just kidding. This person TOOK the job…she came into this job knowing what her responsibilities were going to be. Yes, there is a tack on the end of that-FOR THE MOST PART…SUBJECT TO CHANGE. Things change, not always for the better, but they change anyway. What are you going to do? She can quit…like she threatened at least twice that I know of. But then, she will be homeless AND jobless-No money coming in. Then what?

I get it that she is in a bad place right now, with this skin condition on top of having to take care of someone else. BUT, wouldn’t that motivate you to go to the doctors & find out whats wrong? ASAP?!?!?! If I had that all over my body, I’d make sure I went to the doctor & that they find out whats wrong. I would do pretty much whatever it took to figure out what that was.

So, about a month ago, I started getting this red patch on the back of my neck, it was dry, itching & it felt kinda scaly. So, I went to my doctor Friday, which she said it looks like either psoriasis or eczema. Today, someone I know is starting to get a dry patch on the back of their neck. Odd, right? That is what I am thinking too…But, thinking of everyone the live in must have come into contact with, plus everyone I have some into contact with, why is it only ONE other person seems to be getting almost the same starting issues as what the live in started with? I am not sure if it started on her neck too, but just seems kind of odd that I, & only me, have gotten this. There is another person who works with us for our boss. She hasn’t gotten anything, our boss hasn’t gotten anything, nobody else in my family or friends have gotten anything…It just strikes me as very weird that after a year, suddenly I have something similar (possibly…), then right on the heels of me, someone else I know might also have it too? For the record, yes I have started using new body wash (another scent by a company I’ve used before & haven’t had trouble), yes, I have started using new laundry detergent (but it is only on the back of my neck-not where my clothing is), yes I have started using new shampoo/conditioner (yet again-another type by a same company that I have used before without incident, & yet again, it’s only on the back of my neck, not down my whole back). So many questions right now…Why, after all this time, has it started on me? If, in fact, it is from the live in. Then, why so quick on the person I know, & not anyone else I have been close to? And, why noone else the live in has been close to? Do I have the same thing as the live in? What does the live in have? What do I have? Is it contagious? (I am thinking no, but I just don’t know) My mind seems to be going a mile a minute, with no answers right now. Hopefully I will get some soon, at least for me! Definitely calling my doctors office tomorrow…

On top of all that, certain people have been…not really ignoring me, but lets just say that if I were someone else, they’d be calling me way before I texted them at 6 o’clock at night about the doctor visit. And, other people have been on me about my weight still. I have lost almost 20 pounds, but I don’t dare tell them that, because I am sure they will tell me that that isn’t good enough. TRUST me, IF I could just wave a wand or finger & POOF, the weight would be gone, believe me when I tell you I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT ALREADY!!! Trust me, I look at myself every god damned day, & I don’t like who I see looking back at me-a HUGE person, someone who looks like a female Jabba the hutt, a female fat Albert-only short. I don’t like what & who I have become. I want to lose weight soooo badly, & I look at myself every day, & every day, I am still fat, I try so hard to eat right, exercise, do the right thing. But every day, I still see that fat person looking back. Every day is a struggle, that is for darn sure! Another day comes, another day goes, & I haven’t lost as much as I’d like. I don’t expect to loose a chunk of myself overnight, but I don’t see the little bits I do loose everyday, & that is hard too. That is a downer, trying so hard to eat right, eat small portions, exercise, drink lots of water, & I look exactly the same today as I did yesterday-no bigger, no smaller. It just gets to be so hard to pull myself out of bed mentally, to mentally prepare myself for the day, trying to have a good day, only to be beaten down by someone in my inner circle. If they don’t have faith in me, don’t try to lift me up, but instead try to tear me down, tear down my confidence, how is that going to help me? Tough love works on some people, but not on me! Sometimes, I can take that proverbial ripping the bandaid off, but most of the time, not so much. However, I am a human being, so if you come to me honestly, & in just the right way (not sounding demeaning, mean, or condescending etc) then you will have a much better chance at an open ‘meeting’, if you will, with me, & you will find me trying to meet you halfway on it.

Just some food for thought…

Here comes the rain again…

15 Mar

So it’s happening again…that feeling like I’m a big let down & embarrassment to my family. I’m overweight, I know it…I have to loose weight, I know it. I didn’t gain the weight in 1 day, I can’t possibly loose all or most of it in 1 day (though I wish I could). Someone I know went in for surgery today, & I tagged along. A comment was made about the dr coming in to see who else he could recruit to get the surgery done as well, to which the person I tagged along with did that pointing thing toward me trying to be sly. Gee thanks…I know what I am, I know I need to loose weight, but do you HAVE to keep rubbing it in? Do you HAVE to keep telling me that you know we all have to loose weight, not just me, that you’re not trying to keep picking on me? If you’re not trying to pick on me, why do you keep saying it like that to me?! Cuz it’s sure coming off like that…& frankly, I am tired of it. I am trying. I keep getting told that this person has already lost X amount of weight…that’s been over the last 5 years & they keep bringing that up! Keep throwing it in my face…like that’s going to help, like that will motivate me! It hasn’t worked yet, what makes you think that if you keep that same tactic that it will work? I’m SORRY that I’m such an embarrassment, I’m SORRY that I let it get this far! I’m SORRY that the weight doesn’t just drop off me period, let alone in a day! Short of doing something drastic, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t feel like I am ready to go in for liposuction, or the gastric sleeve or bypass, or anything like that. I feel like sometimes it’s too much to do on my own, but the other options (surgery) are at the opposite end of my dilemma. I feel like throwing my arms up & just walk away-walk away from everybody & everything I know, & start a new life as someone else in another town far far away. Just pack up everything that’s important to me & pick a place on a map & go there. I know I would deeply regret leaving-as that would leave behind my heart with 2 little twins that I love with all my heart & a best friend that I don’t know if I could live without. That seems to be one of the hardest parts of all this. I know what I have to do, but I feel like an isolated island. My family doesn’t get me-part of them would RATHER I disappear & never be heard from again (as I am a stain on the family name & legacy…). I feel like I can’t talk to anybody, can’t reach out & find a positive outlet anywhere-which is also part of the problem-it’s so easy for everyone else to preach at me, but they don’t take the time to actually listen to what they’re saying or see how I react to what they’re saying, they’re blindly preaching at me saying we all need to change, but then they don’t do anything about it.
I am so tired & frustrated with so many things right now…