Archive | March, 2018

The Aftermath of Destruction…

13 Mar

How is it that so much drama seems to find me? And at one time? Still feeling less than whole, less than ok, lacking in every aspect. I don’t think I ask too much, I’m not opposed to fighting if it was worth it…AKA with the right person. The man I am with does not need to have money, does not need to have all of his shit together (just a majority of it), does not need to be perfect….my ‘idea’ of perfect is having flaws-I don’t expect my perfect man to walk on water, to say the right things all the time, or anything like that. There’s just a few things that I DO ask…like him being unattached to anyone else (divorce/breakup complete, no questions about it.), to be faithful to me, to be kind & respectful… looks & endowment don’t even rate on it because it is what is on the inside that counts. I don’t care that he’s had other relationships, been married before, has kids…all that matters is that he is single-I get it that if he has kids from another relationship that 1-the kids will always be a part of his life, & 2-the mother or mothers of the child or children will still be a part of his life, BUT I do NOT want a cheater or someone who is still attached in any way to someone else. I am a firm believer in not cheating, so that has to go both ways. I wouldn’t do that to someone else & I expect the same from them.

I am far from perfect, but that doesn’t make me a robot or entity or anything less than human. I just want someone to look at me, look beyond me being fat, look at the person that I am, I want someone to be attracted to me for what I DO look like (& not what I don’t look like), & for whats inside me, for who I am. I keep seeing my friends, & other people getting hit on, getting asked out etc. While I sit there, being completely unnoticed-a tree gains more attention then I do. Nobody ever hits on me (or when they do, they’re way older -too old for my liking, I know I said I don’t ask for much, BUT the person has to be somewhat near my age.), nobody ever looks my way, nobody ever asks me out, or for my phone number. Recently, 2 guys have said that they ‘like’ me. Now, one suddenly wants to be just friends, the other seems to be in & out on me-we’ll talk for a day or 2, then I won’t hear anything from him for a week, maybe more. The other one that wants to be friends, I have sent 2 texts to, & have yet to receive anything back from this ‘friend’ who said he wouldn’t let jealousy get in the way. It’s been almost a week…I don’t know what to do. The first 2 people who happen upon me & show interest in me in almost a decade find me at the same time, & then there is all this drama that I have to deal with. It’s times like this that make me want to swear off all relationships. I just want someone special in my life, someone who isn’t related to me that will actually love me for me, someone who finds me sexy, who looks at me in that special way, who thinks the world of me. I want to have a special connection with someone. I feel like I’m getting too old, like maybe I missed my connections, like it’s too late for me, like it’s never going to happen for me, one of the few things I REALLY want in this world, & I feel like it’s never going to happen. Nobody see’s me like that, nobody will think of me like that, ever. I feel like I am going to have to live with watching everyone else find happiness, to be happy, to be strong, to be all the things that I’m not, I can’t help but feel left out, like I am somehow not important enough to have what I want, like I’m being punished for I don’t even know what-Like I’m doomed to watch all this, doomed to never have it, to want it so bad, but never have it.

 

It’s so hard to try to stay positive while watching all this go on around you, to try to stay upbeat & truly happy when you feel so broken inside, so unwanted, so unloved. It’s so hard trying to hold my head up high, to be happy both with myself & with my life where is so much I still want to do, want to fix. I want so bad to be skinnier, & I’m trying, but therein is a problem too-I’m trying to loose weight, but it doesn’t just magically fall off overnight. It took time for me to put the weight on, & it’ll take time for me to get rid of it, but I wake up every morning, looking the same, or sometimes when I weigh myself, & I’ve gained a pound or whatever, it just sends me into an even bigger depressed mood then I’m normally in. It seems like I should just accept what is, & just not expect anything more. It’s just so hard because I WANT more! Anyway, I’ll finish this up now before I keep repeating myself any more.

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The Walls Come Tumbling Down…

9 Mar

So…Basically, one of my worst fears has come to pass. That ‘friend with benefits’ of sorts pretty much gave me the axe. FWB says they still want to be friends, & like a glutton for punishment, I said ok. Apparently, FWB found someone, at least for the time being, that they want to be exclusive with, & guess what? It wasn’t me. I’m not sure why I said yes to still being friends. I feel like I know too much to be friend, & I don’t want to be considered a threat by this other person. I don’t want this other person to worry about me, & be paranoid that I may take FWB away from said other person. I’m not that type of person, but they don’t know that. I don’t want to say that I’m hurt, but I am. I feel like what did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Was I not doing things fast enough? What does this other person have that I don’t?

 

I feel like at any minute, I could just burst into tears. Right now, I’m questioning so many things. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong with the FWB? What have I ever done wrong to deserve all this? Why does noone like me? What do other women have that I don’t that seem to attract all the men? I mean, there are men out there that like bigger gals…what do they have that I don’t? What are they doing that I’m not? Am I so appalling, ugly…I don’t know…Am I SO unappealing that literally every single man out there wants nothing to do with me? What do people see when they look at me? I think I’m a nice person with a lot to offer. Why can’t someone really see me? Why can’t someone see past what I look like on the outside, see past all my awkwardness, & see the real me? Why can’t someone see who I really am, & actually like who I am? Actually want to be with me, love me, & accept me? What is SO wrong with me that, in all the people that I know, & that I’ve met, that I can’t seem to find a single person to be with? The only person was FWB, & that wasn’t anything exclusive, & now FWB has found someone else. I guess I’m not surprised that FWB found someone else & basically threw me aside. But it still hurts none the less. I have always felt inferior my whole life, sexually aside. Certain family members have always nailed it home that I was never good enough, but now that I’m all grown up, & still single, no love interests, I’ve only dated 1 person, & that person was not a nice person, then now, I kind of almost had FWB, & now that’s ended, & there’s noone else out there that likes me…I can’t help but feel like I am destined to always be alone & lonely, always wanting to have that special someone, yet never finding anyone. I will never find that happiness, I want it so much, but I can’t help but feel like noone will ever see me like that…It’s clearly obvious that I must be a leper or something-someone that noone can find appealing in any form.

 

There is so much more I want to say, but I feel like if I do, I’ll only be repeating myself in some form or another. SO, to spare you all from that, I’m going to call it quits for right now. I’d say wish me luck at finding someone, but that’s highly unlikely, since I seem to be unlucky in love…