Dark Ages

It’s been a while, but I’m still here. Still battling/suffering the ups & downs of depression. I know I have it, but I find it hard to admit it to the people around me, because it isn’t a physical injury, or anything anyone can see. It isn’t visible. It is in my mind, in the things the I think, the way I think, the way I see things…& something no one else can see, so does it still exist? I feel like people would more easily believe that aliens exist, even though they can’t see them, then to believe that I have depression. I don’t usually say anything to anybody about it, just a certain very few people. There is a stigma associated with depression, negative stigmas, & most people don’t understand, don’t take the time to understand, don’t ask questions, or if questions ARE asked, they’re usually asked in a way to make the other person feel bad about it. I want so bad to just come out & say it, without people, family members, pitying me, or doubting what I say, just because they can’t SEE it, because its not a broken bone sticking out of your leg, your leg isn’t broken…I don’t want to be treated differently, but I want to be able to truly be me, & if I’m having a down day, to be able to say it, & not be analyzed…like WHY are you in a down mood? SOMEthing must’ve happened that got you in a bad mood…Not always, sometimes, it’s as simple as seeing something that reminds me of an old friend who I’m not friends with anymore. Or hearing a song that reminds me of a particularly sad event in my life. I am a huge music person, so I associate music to everything in my life. It isn’t always something happening that could change my mood completely. I feel like there is a heavy weight inside me, both with having to live with depression, & feeling like I’m in hiding with it, that I can’t come out & share that burden, or let it out. When I started seeing a therapist, I told my dad that I was seeing a doctor…every week, I’m going to see the doctor…He noticed that, & asked if there was something wrong with me 1 week. So I told him the truth, which took a huge jump for me, like I said, I haven’t shared that with many people. I could tell that telling him that I was seeing a therapist took him completely by surprise, & he asked if something was bothering me. I told him lots of things were bothering me, & had been bothering me for a while. That felt good, but I didn’t specifically say I was (& still am) depressed. I feel like I can’t talk to my dad, & certain other people in my family. The first one is because he isn’t open minded. His extent to being open minded is someone being gay, not anything else like being lesbian, transgendered, or god forbid, the topic of them being married.  I feel like he’s very black & white…you can talk about some things with him, & that’s a safe zone, but other things, he’ll blow a gasket & shut down. I feel like he can be honest with everyone else, but if you were the same kind of honest with him, he gets defensive & shuts down, & everyone is picking on him, poor him, he’s all alone. And, sometimes, the way he presents the truth he’s telling comes across as mean. I’ve been on the other end of a few of those, where he’s asking or saying something, but it comes across as him being extremely mad about it, rather then concern. It seems like I’m a child in trouble for doing something bad, rather than him being worried & worried asking about something. God forbid, you try to be honest with him on things you’ve witnessed him do. He’s not an alcoholic, but when he drinks, he gets mean, & he doesn’t see that. He has lost weight somewhat recently, & he can’t drink as much as he used to before, & he doesn’t realize that, even though he has said that. Sometimes, once he starts, he doesn’t see how bad he is, or how mean he gets. A couple times, someone has said to him that he’s gotten mean when he drinks, & he’s gotten enraged & he turned beligerent & tried to start a fight with them. (not a physical fight, just a verbal one) I understand the idea that you don’t want to think that you, yourself, are not perfect, or that you have faults, BUT it’s something else when you can dish out about other peoples faults & not take it when people are just trying to be nice to you & point it out, especially when its something that is affecting them in a negative way, & you basically throw a child like tantrum on them. I don’t want to turn this around to be about someone else. I have depression, I got help, but now, with this COVID happening, I haven’t gone to see a therapist for a while, & I am definitely feeling it. I feel like, on top of life, & having depression, I can’t come out & say that to some people. And it is weighing on me even more. It’s like 1 more brick on the load on my back…which brick will be the 1 to break my back? I think my mood today started with a dream I had last night about an old friend that passed away a few years go, & just really missing the person, which somehow turned into my being super down on myself for all my shortcomings…

My sunshine will turn into sorrow, As a dream of the love you once knew

So, I’ve had a lot of time to sit & think about a lot of things. One thing I’ve realized, is that I’m still not over my ex, & I doubt I ever truly will be. While I go through daily life, acting like I’m ok, add a smile to my face, I still hurt. I feel like a failure. How, you may ask? Because all he really needed was space, & I was doing my best to give him space, yet, knowing how I feel when I want space & wanting someone to still check on me because they are worried about me & care about me. The old addage, do unto others as you’d have done to you, apparently rings true only to some people or certain times. I guess. Then, I keep thinking that I’m not good enough for anyone, because certain family members have always treated me like that & pretty much alluded to that my whole life. There’s so many reasons I can think of that I can attribute to things happening in my life that seem to point to me being alone forever…I was the fat kid in school, & kids were VERY mean & unforgiving…not like a good pair of spandex pants, there was absolutely no give. I sometime wish I could go back through my life & childhood with the knowledge I have now, & do things differently. And, I definitely wouldn’t have stayed with my first boyfriend as long as I did, & I wouldn’t have started going with my 2nd BF at all. Hindsight is 20/20. All this time since we have broken up isn’t worth what little happiness we had. We only dated for 13 short months….13 months of pure bliss, reduced to the last year & a half of pure torture. I got broken up with by the same person twice in a 14 day period. The first time lasted one day, the next day, he supposedly came to his senses, & I was so happy that I took him back without even thinking. Then, 13 days later, he ended it again, for good this time. But, he wanted to stay friends. Against my better judgement, I agreed…Little did I know that I was getting on the whiplash roller coaster. He didn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even look at me or in my direction, for almost a week, then started talking to me like nothing was wrong. Trust me, I was very cautious. When we went to say goodbye, I said I’d text him later, to which he got very tongue tied & said no, I couldn’t do that…I know that look & what you’re thinking…that quirk of your head, one eyebrow going up, but we’re friends, right? Yep, that is what I did & said to him…he ‘wasn’t ready for that yet’…OOOOOHHHHH-kay…It went on like this for a while…I never knew what mood he would be in towards me from day to day, & I have always had a good workplace environment until this. It was a bit unnverving on top of the normal un-nerviness of what was going on between me & him, & my now ex-BFF & me (& him too, because the 2 of them were still normal) The 3rd time he talked to me after we broke up, I actually looked around me, behind me, to make sure he was really talking to me, & even asked him if he was talking to me…He was like ‘Yeah, who else would I be talking to…?’ It may have been sarcastic, & a tad not nice, but I said ANYone else but me…but honestly, that’s how I felt. He had spent most of the time since we’d broken up not acknowledging me, like I was a ghost, like I didn’t exist. Oh, but we were still friends….I had talked to him twice, one of the times away from work, about that exact issue. I was completely honest with him, which I have troubles with in general because I don’t want people to feel like I am attacking them because I know what it’s like being on the other end of something like that. But, I was honest & open, & asked what was up, saying that he was being shady, that I get the ‘we’re friends’ line, but then get completely ignored for however long, then, he would come up to me & it’s like anyone would be with a friend, & only for a bit, get the ‘we’re friends’ line again, & I mention texting him later, & he spazzes out & says no, I can’t text him. I told him I understand if he needs space, & that I’d give it to him, BUT, he couldn’t keep doing this to me. I told him HE had a decision to make, because when he broke up with me the 2nd time, & said he wanted to stay friends, that he’d leave the decision up to me. He said he did want to stay friends & would quit doing that. Which kind of happened. While he wasn’t so up, down, black white, left right, & such, he was somewhat consistent, even starting to text me. But, even that started to go to the side of the road. Since this whole virus hit, I was forced to quit my job, & at first, he was texting me on a somewhat regular basis, but it has since dropped off. He said he wasn’t easy to scare away, but he isn’t trying to be my friend anymore, hasn’t texted me in months. HE was the one pushing to stay friends, & I agreed to be open to it…only to get hurt again. He even eluded to being friends with benefits in the beginning, I shut that down without even thinking. Thank god for small favors. I want to be over this so bad, & I feel like I am to a certain extent, but I still hurt. I still WANT a relationship, I know they’re not perfect, BUT, I WANT SO MUCH to have someone love me unconditionally, who will choose me over someone else, not for any other reason than they SEE me, see what a good person I am & WANT that too. While family & a few close friends have always loved me, I feel like there’s a piece missing for me. I have a lot of love to give, I keep getting told that, but I haven’t seemed to find someone that will stay. I see people fighting with their significant others, loving them, toasting the good AND bad times, celebrating anniversaries, celebrating each other, & I want that. I see that & I end up feeling more alone & alienated because I don’t have that & feel like I never will have that. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them, I am happy that they have someone to fight with, to celebrate with…but I also feel longing, because I will never have that. I keep getting told that it’ll show up when I least expect it…right…the 2nd boyfriend happened that way, & look how that turned out. Forgive me if I don’t want to just jump right back into that. I am still scared & gunshy that I’ll get my heart broken again, & I won’t be able to survive it this next time. I don’t EVER want to go through this again. But I just want to feel again, feel special, have someone to be happy with.