Dark Ages

It’s been a while, but I’m still here. Still battling/suffering the ups & downs of depression. I know I have it, but I find it hard to admit it to the people around me, because it isn’t a physical injury, or anything anyone can see. It isn’t visible. It is in my mind, in the things the I think, the way I think, the way I see things…& something no one else can see, so does it still exist? I feel like people would more easily believe that aliens exist, even though they can’t see them, then to believe that I have depression. I don’t usually say anything to anybody about it, just a certain very few people. There is a stigma associated with depression, negative stigmas, & most people don’t understand, don’t take the time to understand, don’t ask questions, or if questions ARE asked, they’re usually asked in a way to make the other person feel bad about it. I want so bad to just come out & say it, without people, family members, pitying me, or doubting what I say, just because they can’t SEE it, because its not a broken bone sticking out of your leg, your leg isn’t broken…I don’t want to be treated differently, but I want to be able to truly be me, & if I’m having a down day, to be able to say it, & not be analyzed…like WHY are you in a down mood? SOMEthing must’ve happened that got you in a bad mood…Not always, sometimes, it’s as simple as seeing something that reminds me of an old friend who I’m not friends with anymore. Or hearing a song that reminds me of a particularly sad event in my life. I am a huge music person, so I associate music to everything in my life. It isn’t always something happening that could change my mood completely. I feel like there is a heavy weight inside me, both with having to live with depression, & feeling like I’m in hiding with it, that I can’t come out & share that burden, or let it out. When I started seeing a therapist, I told my dad that I was seeing a doctor…every week, I’m going to see the doctor…He noticed that, & asked if there was something wrong with me 1 week. So I told him the truth, which took a huge jump for me, like I said, I haven’t shared that with many people. I could tell that telling him that I was seeing a therapist took him completely by surprise, & he asked if something was bothering me. I told him lots of things were bothering me, & had been bothering me for a while. That felt good, but I didn’t specifically say I was (& still am) depressed. I feel like I can’t talk to my dad, & certain other people in my family. The first one is because he isn’t open minded. His extent to being open minded is someone being gay, not anything else like being lesbian, transgendered, or god forbid, the topic of them being married.  I feel like he’s very black & white…you can talk about some things with him, & that’s a safe zone, but other things, he’ll blow a gasket & shut down. I feel like he can be honest with everyone else, but if you were the same kind of honest with him, he gets defensive & shuts down, & everyone is picking on him, poor him, he’s all alone. And, sometimes, the way he presents the truth he’s telling comes across as mean. I’ve been on the other end of a few of those, where he’s asking or saying something, but it comes across as him being extremely mad about it, rather then concern. It seems like I’m a child in trouble for doing something bad, rather than him being worried & worried asking about something. God forbid, you try to be honest with him on things you’ve witnessed him do. He’s not an alcoholic, but when he drinks, he gets mean, & he doesn’t see that. He has lost weight somewhat recently, & he can’t drink as much as he used to before, & he doesn’t realize that, even though he has said that. Sometimes, once he starts, he doesn’t see how bad he is, or how mean he gets. A couple times, someone has said to him that he’s gotten mean when he drinks, & he’s gotten enraged & he turned beligerent & tried to start a fight with them. (not a physical fight, just a verbal one) I understand the idea that you don’t want to think that you, yourself, are not perfect, or that you have faults, BUT it’s something else when you can dish out about other peoples faults & not take it when people are just trying to be nice to you & point it out, especially when its something that is affecting them in a negative way, & you basically throw a child like tantrum on them. I don’t want to turn this around to be about someone else. I have depression, I got help, but now, with this COVID happening, I haven’t gone to see a therapist for a while, & I am definitely feeling it. I feel like, on top of life, & having depression, I can’t come out & say that to some people. And it is weighing on me even more. It’s like 1 more brick on the load on my back…which brick will be the 1 to break my back? I think my mood today started with a dream I had last night about an old friend that passed away a few years go, & just really missing the person, which somehow turned into my being super down on myself for all my shortcomings…