Tag Archives: dad

Why Now?

26 Mar

Ok, SOOO…a parent’s nosy friend is over…the other parent went to the store, & with the nosy friend sitting right there, the parent says something about me going for a walk with them, which was fine, BUT then says something about their doctor saying something about me, & asks if I knew about it. Didn’t say WHAT was said…like yeah, I was there, I know EXACTLY what was said…not! I have no clue, I wasn’t there, & the parent hasn’t mentioned it until right then! In front of the nosy, interfering friend…Then, says they’ll talk to me about it later. I am honest to god surprised that the friend didn’t push the subject, JUST to be in the middle of the know.

Don’t get me wrong, I like said friend, but this friend is getting a little bit on my wrong nerve. This friend is constantly badgering said parent about working on all these cars that this friend has bought…mind you, this friend isn’t automobile-inclined, yet still keeps buying the fixer uppers that he has no idea how to fix…then asks said parent what to do, only to ignore said parent, then call them for help. Or, he’ll listen to ANOTHER friend of his, only to have it not work, then have to call said parent to come ‘help’ fix it…in real life, to have said parent fix it. This friend has probably at least 15 cars total, & I’m going to say that 3 of them run for sure (2 are daily drivers that I know for a fact run). But, this friend keeps buying more cars just because there’s money in their pocket…instead of working on fixing up what they have, getting the non-running cars up to speed so to speak, then selling them, this friend buys more cars (running or not, put together or not), takes them apart then has no clue how to put them back together again. Everybody keeps badgering said friend about fixing the cars they already have, & getting rid of them, as that was the original plan. But, said friend buys a car, takes it apart, then buys another car, takes that 1 apart & so on, then goes back to the original car a year later, & has no idea what to do with it.

So, like I’ve said before, I am overweight, I am working on it, yet I feel like I am constantly being badgered about my weight…getting that same lecture from the same person about how we all need to lose weight, they know we all have to do it-themselves included, blah blah blah blah…same thing every time…OMG! I’m ready to rip my hair out because it’s the same thing, word for word, every time! I am so beyond tired of hearing this! I am ready for action. I am eating better (or trying to, as I have limited options, & I don’t want to be told that I am being the difficult 1 because I don’t like this, or I don’t want that…), & I went for a walk tonight, & I plan to keep this up. I just received my fitbit that I ordered. I tried it for the first time tonight. I like it so far. I am, also, tired of the gruffness, bluntness of someone else. I’m more of a person who likes honesty, BUT, tactful & polite honesty. I am way more receptive if you’re honest with me, but in a nice, constructive way. If I feel like you’re repeating, or all talk & no backing up, no action, then it’s like, what’s the point? I am usually easy to talk into things, but I also like to not be fed things with no intentions of being kept up with. However, I don’t like it when someone gets that kind of bitterness almost when they’re talking to you about something, I shut down every time. Said parent can’t seem to understand that. I can’t help but feel like I go back to my childhood, where I felt like I am being given a hard time because of my weight. Said friend is over, & I can literally hear said parent talking to the friend about me. It’s like they’re talking JUST loud enough so I can get the gist of what they’re talking about, but talking low enough that I can’t hear every word. It’s at times like these that my insecurities flare up. I ask myself why am I here? How exactly has this gotten so bad? I know I need a change, but I either get the lecture, or I feel like I am treated like a 2nd class citizen, like my thoughts, my feelings mean nothing, like they’re not caring or thinking about my feelings.

Right now, I feel like an island, I just want to check out. I want to go somewhere where I am all alone. Noone to judge me, judge my life, what I eat, what I do, what I don’t do, no one looking at my EVERY move under a microscope. I feel like every single move I make is watched, every breath I take is monitored, I feel like I can’t get away from it. It is at times like this, I wish I didn’t still live at home, then I’d have someplace away from here, away from 1 parent who keeps giving me the same lecture about losing weight, & the other 1 strong arms me into things, & is very gruff about things. Why can’t there be a happy medium between them? Like, the 1 actually saying that we should all go on a diet, exercise, then actually go through with it. And the other grind down the rough edges some, be a little softer in the delivery. Like I said before, I’d be more receptive to them if 1 would actually follow through on everything that is said, & the other would soften the blow, rather than go in guns blazing, damn the consequences. I just know about anything anymore. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know if I want to stay either. I have many little ones around that I love with all my heart, & I want to be there for them, I want them to remember me in a good way, I want to have a positive impression on them, I want to be someone they can look up to, admire. But I can’t help but always feel like I am a big failure in everything I do. No matter what, I can’t seem to win. There always seems to be something that I can’t or don’t do right, SOMEthing wrong with me. I seem to have the knack of saying or doing the exact wrong thing at the exact right time. I am not, nor was I ever, 1 of those cool kids that always had a refinement, a smoothness about them. I always compare myself with Laney Boggs in She’s All That. Except, I wouldn’t look NEARLY as good all dressed up as she did…no amount of clothes, make up, or anything else could make me look or act normal or cool. I want to be thin, not necessarily a size 2, but I definitely want to be a more normal size then I am now. It is hard for me to find clothes in my size, most of the time, I have to go to a specialty store & spend big bucks for clothes that fit. I can’t just walk into a thrift store & find something off the rack that will fit, I can’t wear most of the clothes that I think are cute because they don’t come in my size or I would look horrible in, I can’t go into a normal store & find anything that will fit. I have to buy my underwear 1 at a time, AND its usually ‘on sale’ for 5 for $32…or about $10 a pair. I feel like every time I go into a restaurant, that everyone is looking at me, judging me, watching my every step & thinking ‘oh god, I hope there’s enough food left over for the rest of us’. The sad thing is, is that everyone on this planet has to eat & drink right? So, why am I being held to a different standard? What do they expect, me not to eat?  I feel like I am a leper, like I have some horribly, contagious disease that I can spread by getting near someone. I see people walking around, hand in hand, or hugging, or kissing, just being normal people, being accepted unconditionally for who they are, & here I am being judged on a single look-they don’t say hi, they don’t talk to me at all, they don’t know me in the slightest, yet they feel justified in judging me, someone they haven’t even talked to. OR, they could be a relative or acquaintance, & just belittle me, make fun of me, tease me, ridicule me, & act like we’re all in high school again, & act like they’re the cool kids, & again, I’m the Laney Boggs, the social freak.

I just don’t know what else to do, I can’t seem to get the weight off quick enough (baring not eating at all, or drastic measures…). I guess I will just have to work something out in my head…& above all, keep in motion, keep to a diet etc…

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Well…NOW I’m Worried…

3 Jun

Ok, so the lady I’ve been working for has a live in. She has had this live in for about a year & a half now. Everything was going great for about 6 months…then the live in suddenly got this skin condition-REALLY red skin, dry, itchy, scaly, peeling…It was EVERYwhere! Who knows how long this was building up. So the live in went to the regular doctor, who sent her to a dermatologist, who said she had scabies, then it wasn’t, it was something else, then it was psoriasis, then it was eczema, then they didn’t know what it was. There is obviously something wrong with her, she complains that it hurts & itches ALL the time, BUT she won’t go to the dermatologist or specialist. I get it that it is hard for her to get out of town to go to the doctor with her not having a car or license, BUT she has friends that can take her, she has TWO days off per week, ONE of those days is a weekday, SOOOO she can go, she just has to set it up with a friend of hers (which she has many) to take her. Or, worse comes to worse, she can take the bus!!! There are ways that she can get there! She just went recently, & they still have no idea what it is, BUT the doctor (I am pretty sure it was the dermatologist) told her that she needed to get a pap smear & a mammogram to find out what she has…say what? What the hell is that supposed to do? I mean, that will tell her if she has a female part cancer, but how is that mandatory to tell her what she has on her skin? Oh, & then, she said that depending on the results from those, she might not be able to take care of the lady I work for anymore…Things are just getting curiouser & curiouser if you ask me…This lady has literally been a nightmare to work with according to our ‘boss’. The live in is constantly cursing up a storm, always complaining about her condition, always complaining about having to get up to toilet our boss, has cried for a couple of days at a time, slamming things down…I’ve been there when the live in has said  something rude in a very rude tone & manner, then started laughing, like she was just kidding. This person TOOK the job…she came into this job knowing what her responsibilities were going to be. Yes, there is a tack on the end of that-FOR THE MOST PART…SUBJECT TO CHANGE. Things change, not always for the better, but they change anyway. What are you going to do? She can quit…like she threatened at least twice that I know of. But then, she will be homeless AND jobless-No money coming in. Then what?

I get it that she is in a bad place right now, with this skin condition on top of having to take care of someone else. BUT, wouldn’t that motivate you to go to the doctors & find out whats wrong? ASAP?!?!?! If I had that all over my body, I’d make sure I went to the doctor & that they find out whats wrong. I would do pretty much whatever it took to figure out what that was.

So, about a month ago, I started getting this red patch on the back of my neck, it was dry, itching & it felt kinda scaly. So, I went to my doctor Friday, which she said it looks like either psoriasis or eczema. Today, someone I know is starting to get a dry patch on the back of their neck. Odd, right? That is what I am thinking too…But, thinking of everyone the live in must have come into contact with, plus everyone I have some into contact with, why is it only ONE other person seems to be getting almost the same starting issues as what the live in started with? I am not sure if it started on her neck too, but just seems kind of odd that I, & only me, have gotten this. There is another person who works with us for our boss. She hasn’t gotten anything, our boss hasn’t gotten anything, nobody else in my family or friends have gotten anything…It just strikes me as very weird that after a year, suddenly I have something similar (possibly…), then right on the heels of me, someone else I know might also have it too? For the record, yes I have started using new body wash (another scent by a company I’ve used before & haven’t had trouble), yes, I have started using new laundry detergent (but it is only on the back of my neck-not where my clothing is), yes I have started using new shampoo/conditioner (yet again-another type by a same company that I have used before without incident, & yet again, it’s only on the back of my neck, not down my whole back). So many questions right now…Why, after all this time, has it started on me? If, in fact, it is from the live in. Then, why so quick on the person I know, & not anyone else I have been close to? And, why noone else the live in has been close to? Do I have the same thing as the live in? What does the live in have? What do I have? Is it contagious? (I am thinking no, but I just don’t know) My mind seems to be going a mile a minute, with no answers right now. Hopefully I will get some soon, at least for me! Definitely calling my doctors office tomorrow…

On top of all that, certain people have been…not really ignoring me, but lets just say that if I were someone else, they’d be calling me way before I texted them at 6 o’clock at night about the doctor visit. And, other people have been on me about my weight still. I have lost almost 20 pounds, but I don’t dare tell them that, because I am sure they will tell me that that isn’t good enough. TRUST me, IF I could just wave a wand or finger & POOF, the weight would be gone, believe me when I tell you I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT ALREADY!!! Trust me, I look at myself every god damned day, & I don’t like who I see looking back at me-a HUGE person, someone who looks like a female Jabba the hutt, a female fat Albert-only short. I don’t like what & who I have become. I want to lose weight soooo badly, & I look at myself every day, & every day, I am still fat, I try so hard to eat right, exercise, do the right thing. But every day, I still see that fat person looking back. Every day is a struggle, that is for darn sure! Another day comes, another day goes, & I haven’t lost as much as I’d like. I don’t expect to loose a chunk of myself overnight, but I don’t see the little bits I do loose everyday, & that is hard too. That is a downer, trying so hard to eat right, eat small portions, exercise, drink lots of water, & I look exactly the same today as I did yesterday-no bigger, no smaller. It just gets to be so hard to pull myself out of bed mentally, to mentally prepare myself for the day, trying to have a good day, only to be beaten down by someone in my inner circle. If they don’t have faith in me, don’t try to lift me up, but instead try to tear me down, tear down my confidence, how is that going to help me? Tough love works on some people, but not on me! Sometimes, I can take that proverbial ripping the bandaid off, but most of the time, not so much. However, I am a human being, so if you come to me honestly, & in just the right way (not sounding demeaning, mean, or condescending etc) then you will have a much better chance at an open ‘meeting’, if you will, with me, & you will find me trying to meet you halfway on it.

Just some food for thought…

Headache & a Half

22 Jan

I am not sure where to start today, I  just feel the need to get a lot off my chest today. I have a day ‘off’-& by off, with being unemployed, I mean not babysitting my twin nephews. On another note, my dad is home sick, which is almost like babysitting. I am so sick of this-being unemployed, not being able to GET a job because of my health issues, my health issues not moving along fast enough, owing money that I can’t pay back, getting calls about those bills multiple times a day…it’s like, yes, I know I owe them money, & I’d pay them if I had money period, but the fact is, is that I am unemployed, & basically unemployable right now.

Yeah, sure, I look fine, I feel fine right now, but I have gallstones, which could flare up at any moment, plus I am going in for surgery in exactly 1 week from today, do you know of anyone who would hire me in a state like that? I sure don’t! I have never been in management, but even I know that’d be pushing it with a job! I can just see it now, I get a job, then within the first few days, I get an attack & have to leave early…then get fired. On top of all that, my dad’s been harping on me to get a job. Like I said, I look normal, I feel fine, so what’s the problem? The problem is, is that I have gallstones, like I said. And, also, like I said, they could flare up any time. Believe me! I want to get a job too, just to get out of the house, & get away from the mundane! Yes, I love my nephews, & I don’t want to not see them, but I do need to get a job to make money to pay off my bills. I’m not big on running here, walking there, & that kind of stuff, & I have been moving around taking care of my nephews, but I just want to break free…feel like I’m helping out at home, maybe even move out soon…but I can’t because of these stupid gallstones! 

I can’t wait to have this done & over with! Plain & simple. I am tired of living in fear-fear of not knowing when I’m going to have my next attack, if I’m going to have to go the ER, if I’m going to be kept in the hospital, how many times I’m going to be stuck with a needle-just the thought of that is making me panic! Wondering if what I eat now, now matter how low fat it is, is going to cause another attack. Part of the ‘worst’ part is that my dad seems to be completely refusing to change anything & just plain being rude to me about it. It’s not like we are eating bad food, or that it tastes horrible, its just a matter of having more veggies, less beef, & more chicken & turkey & replacing beef with those, which I prefer anyway, as well as not so much bread. Oh my word! At those last few, my dad seems to be throwing a fit about it! God forbid he doesn’t get his huge steak & half a loaf of french bread all to himself. In his mind, I guess I’m supposed to do this all on my own, without a job or money to pay for my own food. A couple of times, he’s turned to me & told me I had to loose weight in a very rude tone of voice. Believe you me, I know I do-at my worst, about 6 months ago when this all started, I was at 338 pounds. I am not proud of that, & I am working on it, really I am. But, I also know that I have to as well! I don’t need him to tell me period, let alone to say it the way he did. This has been a problem for me for a while, it has gotten out of control, but now I am doing my best to fix it. I am tired of being told in that way that I have to lose weight, then he keeps eating the same way, because it’s not fair to my mom that she has to work all day, then come home, fix dinner for me, her & my sister then fix something completely different for my dad because he’s throwing a hissy fit about the food for us. Want to know what else isn’t fair? That, given the choice, he’d knowing fix something that I can’t or won’t  eat. He knows I HATE bell peppers, & dislike steak & he’d fix a steak with grilled bell peppers (so the whole house wreaks of bell peppers) just to spite me…It’s as if he thinks I am going this on purpose, & not because I have a medical condition! Oh but we can’t do anything like that to him!

Anyway, back on track. I’m not trying to blame everyone else for my problems, but to some extent, it’s not all my fault. When I was young, my grandma (my dad’s mom) seemed to always be stuffing me with food. No matter what I told her, no matter that I’d told her a hundred times before, she’d always tell me to eat, always be ready to fix me something! And, even if I was hungry, I’d eat my serving, get full, & she’d STILL tell me to go eat more.  Then, when I was with her, I couldn’t go anywhere unless it was with her or my grandpa or aunt. To her, the thought of my & my girlfriends having a slumber party was unacceptable & if it were left up to her, I wouldn’t have ever had any or gone to any. I spent most of my extra time over at her house because she basically forced it on my parents that I did (much to my mom’s disliking-but my dad would NEVER, & I mean NEVER, stand up to her), so 99% of my weekends were spent over there where I helped her, my grandpa & aunt clean their house. Most of that time, I just really wanted to be home, but according to her, HER house was my home. And people wonder why I’m such a quiet person & why I feel it’s so hard to be that outgoing type of person? Another thing about my grandma, she always told me to never talk to strangers & always seemed (to me at least) to be scared of anybody walking by. 

Going from an overprotective grandparent to the opposite on the other side of the family…oy vay!