Tag Archives: low fat

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

20 Sep

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…

Advertisements

Headache & a Half

22 Jan

I am not sure where to start today, I  just feel the need to get a lot off my chest today. I have a day ‘off’-& by off, with being unemployed, I mean not babysitting my twin nephews. On another note, my dad is home sick, which is almost like babysitting. I am so sick of this-being unemployed, not being able to GET a job because of my health issues, my health issues not moving along fast enough, owing money that I can’t pay back, getting calls about those bills multiple times a day…it’s like, yes, I know I owe them money, & I’d pay them if I had money period, but the fact is, is that I am unemployed, & basically unemployable right now.

Yeah, sure, I look fine, I feel fine right now, but I have gallstones, which could flare up at any moment, plus I am going in for surgery in exactly 1 week from today, do you know of anyone who would hire me in a state like that? I sure don’t! I have never been in management, but even I know that’d be pushing it with a job! I can just see it now, I get a job, then within the first few days, I get an attack & have to leave early…then get fired. On top of all that, my dad’s been harping on me to get a job. Like I said, I look normal, I feel fine, so what’s the problem? The problem is, is that I have gallstones, like I said. And, also, like I said, they could flare up any time. Believe me! I want to get a job too, just to get out of the house, & get away from the mundane! Yes, I love my nephews, & I don’t want to not see them, but I do need to get a job to make money to pay off my bills. I’m not big on running here, walking there, & that kind of stuff, & I have been moving around taking care of my nephews, but I just want to break free…feel like I’m helping out at home, maybe even move out soon…but I can’t because of these stupid gallstones! 

I can’t wait to have this done & over with! Plain & simple. I am tired of living in fear-fear of not knowing when I’m going to have my next attack, if I’m going to have to go the ER, if I’m going to be kept in the hospital, how many times I’m going to be stuck with a needle-just the thought of that is making me panic! Wondering if what I eat now, now matter how low fat it is, is going to cause another attack. Part of the ‘worst’ part is that my dad seems to be completely refusing to change anything & just plain being rude to me about it. It’s not like we are eating bad food, or that it tastes horrible, its just a matter of having more veggies, less beef, & more chicken & turkey & replacing beef with those, which I prefer anyway, as well as not so much bread. Oh my word! At those last few, my dad seems to be throwing a fit about it! God forbid he doesn’t get his huge steak & half a loaf of french bread all to himself. In his mind, I guess I’m supposed to do this all on my own, without a job or money to pay for my own food. A couple of times, he’s turned to me & told me I had to loose weight in a very rude tone of voice. Believe you me, I know I do-at my worst, about 6 months ago when this all started, I was at 338 pounds. I am not proud of that, & I am working on it, really I am. But, I also know that I have to as well! I don’t need him to tell me period, let alone to say it the way he did. This has been a problem for me for a while, it has gotten out of control, but now I am doing my best to fix it. I am tired of being told in that way that I have to lose weight, then he keeps eating the same way, because it’s not fair to my mom that she has to work all day, then come home, fix dinner for me, her & my sister then fix something completely different for my dad because he’s throwing a hissy fit about the food for us. Want to know what else isn’t fair? That, given the choice, he’d knowing fix something that I can’t or won’t  eat. He knows I HATE bell peppers, & dislike steak & he’d fix a steak with grilled bell peppers (so the whole house wreaks of bell peppers) just to spite me…It’s as if he thinks I am going this on purpose, & not because I have a medical condition! Oh but we can’t do anything like that to him!

Anyway, back on track. I’m not trying to blame everyone else for my problems, but to some extent, it’s not all my fault. When I was young, my grandma (my dad’s mom) seemed to always be stuffing me with food. No matter what I told her, no matter that I’d told her a hundred times before, she’d always tell me to eat, always be ready to fix me something! And, even if I was hungry, I’d eat my serving, get full, & she’d STILL tell me to go eat more.  Then, when I was with her, I couldn’t go anywhere unless it was with her or my grandpa or aunt. To her, the thought of my & my girlfriends having a slumber party was unacceptable & if it were left up to her, I wouldn’t have ever had any or gone to any. I spent most of my extra time over at her house because she basically forced it on my parents that I did (much to my mom’s disliking-but my dad would NEVER, & I mean NEVER, stand up to her), so 99% of my weekends were spent over there where I helped her, my grandpa & aunt clean their house. Most of that time, I just really wanted to be home, but according to her, HER house was my home. And people wonder why I’m such a quiet person & why I feel it’s so hard to be that outgoing type of person? Another thing about my grandma, she always told me to never talk to strangers & always seemed (to me at least) to be scared of anybody walking by. 

Going from an overprotective grandparent to the opposite on the other side of the family…oy vay!