Tag Archives: insecure

I’m Right, But I’m Wrong…

20 Sep

I don’t even know where to begin. It’s been one of those periods of time where, no matter what I do, I am catching flack for something. I ask for help, I get treated like I’m an invalid, or like I am stupid, & whatever I am asking help with is SUCH an inconvenience to whoever I am asking. BUT, when I don’t ask, then everyone treats me like I am crazy for NOT asking for help…Then they act like it wouldn’t have been an inconvenience at all, like they would have loved to have helped.

Then, there is the ever present weight issue, & having to either deal with someone who is less than sensitive (shall we say…) about what they say about things, or having to hear the same exact speech about how this other person is not trying to pick on me, but we ALL, & they’re not just singling me out, but that we ALL have to loose weight, & we have to watch what we eat, how much we eat etc. I know none of you can see me right now, out there in the internet space, but I am over here rolling my eyes. It’s either I am getting ‘are you SURE you should be eating that?’ or ‘are you SURE you should have that much?’ said in a rude manner & tone of voice, & basically all in just an insulting way, like they’re TRYING to start a fight over it. Or I am getting the same lecture that I have been getting-word for word, mind you-for the last 5-10 years or so. It definitely is a small portion of my day, if at all, BUT it has just gotten so exhausting & demanding that I would love nothing more then to go to a private space-not even an island, just a place where I can work on me! A private retreat where I can work on making better meals for myself, learn about portion control, exercise, & just get to a healthier place in a happier & non-judgemental place, surrounded by people who are upbeat & are there to help, &/or are going through the same thing I am (or maybe their own thing). We’ve all got our demons, we are all going through our own stuff, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more compassionate about things. Especially if you know that if you said something similar about a sensitive spot to that person in the same way that they say it to you, they would get mad & defensive with you & give you a good tongue lashing for it. As the saying goes, when the shoe is on the other foot…

I just feel like I am at a place right now where things aren’t positive & hopeful. One person I live with is VERY negative, ALL the time-ALWAYS watching the news, everything is doom & gloom, 1 little thing goes wrong & the whole world is against this person. Then, another person I live with, isn’t good with communicating. The doom & gloom person with invite people over for dinner (always over here, they never seem to be willing to go out to visit other people or do anything elsewhere). The other person gets pissed off because the doomer is inviting people over. Of course, it doesn’t help that every time, it is last minute, after the person has already gone to the store, which only makes that person even more mad, then the doomer realizes that they’re out of wine, or some other spirit that they need…And, it doesn’t help that the other person doesn’t say anything, or when they DO say something, it is in a pissed off, about ready to fight manner, which makes the doomer got on the offensive. I don’t know if any of you are getting the feeling that they are not good communicators, but I sure have. Or, sometimes when they DO communicate, the other person (like I just said) will be very confrontational, which makes the doomer go on the offensive…which turns into a fight…I just don’t get why we can’t all just talk in a civilized fashion, instead of being confrontational. Then, the other person I live with is scared of everything. Everything they say or do, they’re afraid someone is watching & is going to report them for god knows what. Or, god forbid that when they’re driving down the road, & POSSIBLY gave someone a stink eye (not even sure that they did…), that that person is going to suddenly turn around & follow them & beat them up or something. Yet again, something else that is there in the back of my mind, worrying away at my peace of mind. It seems like it never ends, there is always a fight, or something to look over a shoulder about. Now, I sit in my room, alone & more happy than when I started this post. I’ve gotten all this off my chest, I am alone, away from the stressful people. Now, if I could only find that someplace to go for a bit to work on me…

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Well…NOW I’m Worried…

3 Jun

Ok, so the lady I’ve been working for has a live in. She has had this live in for about a year & a half now. Everything was going great for about 6 months…then the live in suddenly got this skin condition-REALLY red skin, dry, itchy, scaly, peeling…It was EVERYwhere! Who knows how long this was building up. So the live in went to the regular doctor, who sent her to a dermatologist, who said she had scabies, then it wasn’t, it was something else, then it was psoriasis, then it was eczema, then they didn’t know what it was. There is obviously something wrong with her, she complains that it hurts & itches ALL the time, BUT she won’t go to the dermatologist or specialist. I get it that it is hard for her to get out of town to go to the doctor with her not having a car or license, BUT she has friends that can take her, she has TWO days off per week, ONE of those days is a weekday, SOOOO she can go, she just has to set it up with a friend of hers (which she has many) to take her. Or, worse comes to worse, she can take the bus!!! There are ways that she can get there! She just went recently, & they still have no idea what it is, BUT the doctor (I am pretty sure it was the dermatologist) told her that she needed to get a pap smear & a mammogram to find out what she has…say what? What the hell is that supposed to do? I mean, that will tell her if she has a female part cancer, but how is that mandatory to tell her what she has on her skin? Oh, & then, she said that depending on the results from those, she might not be able to take care of the lady I work for anymore…Things are just getting curiouser & curiouser if you ask me…This lady has literally been a nightmare to work with according to our ‘boss’. The live in is constantly cursing up a storm, always complaining about her condition, always complaining about having to get up to toilet our boss, has cried for a couple of days at a time, slamming things down…I’ve been there when the live in has said  something rude in a very rude tone & manner, then started laughing, like she was just kidding. This person TOOK the job…she came into this job knowing what her responsibilities were going to be. Yes, there is a tack on the end of that-FOR THE MOST PART…SUBJECT TO CHANGE. Things change, not always for the better, but they change anyway. What are you going to do? She can quit…like she threatened at least twice that I know of. But then, she will be homeless AND jobless-No money coming in. Then what?

I get it that she is in a bad place right now, with this skin condition on top of having to take care of someone else. BUT, wouldn’t that motivate you to go to the doctors & find out whats wrong? ASAP?!?!?! If I had that all over my body, I’d make sure I went to the doctor & that they find out whats wrong. I would do pretty much whatever it took to figure out what that was.

So, about a month ago, I started getting this red patch on the back of my neck, it was dry, itching & it felt kinda scaly. So, I went to my doctor Friday, which she said it looks like either psoriasis or eczema. Today, someone I know is starting to get a dry patch on the back of their neck. Odd, right? That is what I am thinking too…But, thinking of everyone the live in must have come into contact with, plus everyone I have some into contact with, why is it only ONE other person seems to be getting almost the same starting issues as what the live in started with? I am not sure if it started on her neck too, but just seems kind of odd that I, & only me, have gotten this. There is another person who works with us for our boss. She hasn’t gotten anything, our boss hasn’t gotten anything, nobody else in my family or friends have gotten anything…It just strikes me as very weird that after a year, suddenly I have something similar (possibly…), then right on the heels of me, someone else I know might also have it too? For the record, yes I have started using new body wash (another scent by a company I’ve used before & haven’t had trouble), yes, I have started using new laundry detergent (but it is only on the back of my neck-not where my clothing is), yes I have started using new shampoo/conditioner (yet again-another type by a same company that I have used before without incident, & yet again, it’s only on the back of my neck, not down my whole back). So many questions right now…Why, after all this time, has it started on me? If, in fact, it is from the live in. Then, why so quick on the person I know, & not anyone else I have been close to? And, why noone else the live in has been close to? Do I have the same thing as the live in? What does the live in have? What do I have? Is it contagious? (I am thinking no, but I just don’t know) My mind seems to be going a mile a minute, with no answers right now. Hopefully I will get some soon, at least for me! Definitely calling my doctors office tomorrow…

On top of all that, certain people have been…not really ignoring me, but lets just say that if I were someone else, they’d be calling me way before I texted them at 6 o’clock at night about the doctor visit. And, other people have been on me about my weight still. I have lost almost 20 pounds, but I don’t dare tell them that, because I am sure they will tell me that that isn’t good enough. TRUST me, IF I could just wave a wand or finger & POOF, the weight would be gone, believe me when I tell you I WOULD HAVE DONE THAT ALREADY!!! Trust me, I look at myself every god damned day, & I don’t like who I see looking back at me-a HUGE person, someone who looks like a female Jabba the hutt, a female fat Albert-only short. I don’t like what & who I have become. I want to lose weight soooo badly, & I look at myself every day, & every day, I am still fat, I try so hard to eat right, exercise, do the right thing. But every day, I still see that fat person looking back. Every day is a struggle, that is for darn sure! Another day comes, another day goes, & I haven’t lost as much as I’d like. I don’t expect to loose a chunk of myself overnight, but I don’t see the little bits I do loose everyday, & that is hard too. That is a downer, trying so hard to eat right, eat small portions, exercise, drink lots of water, & I look exactly the same today as I did yesterday-no bigger, no smaller. It just gets to be so hard to pull myself out of bed mentally, to mentally prepare myself for the day, trying to have a good day, only to be beaten down by someone in my inner circle. If they don’t have faith in me, don’t try to lift me up, but instead try to tear me down, tear down my confidence, how is that going to help me? Tough love works on some people, but not on me! Sometimes, I can take that proverbial ripping the bandaid off, but most of the time, not so much. However, I am a human being, so if you come to me honestly, & in just the right way (not sounding demeaning, mean, or condescending etc) then you will have a much better chance at an open ‘meeting’, if you will, with me, & you will find me trying to meet you halfway on it.

Just some food for thought…

Other People’s Issues…

29 Aug

So, here I am again, complaining about things in my life. Only this time-I can’t do anything about it, it isn’t really about me-it has to do with me, but it isn’t me directly. I am so irked over someone I work with. We work together for around 10 hours a day, in a somewhat stressful situation, & what makes it MORE stressful is that this person is edgy, impatient & tense ALL the time. And, in our job, you don’t want to be that way, as it only causes more troubles. Well, add to that me working with this person for such big chunks of time, & then I am turning into a stressed out, tense person too, which I don’t want to be, & I try not to be, but it gets SO very hard when I am with this person all day, pretty much every day. I feel like there is no break from this mood. I really wish this person would get help. This person has been to their regular doctor, who has given them a referral to go see a specialist, but this person has not yet even called into the specialist, nor has the parental figure done that. Not like the person isn’t old enough to do that themselves, but either way, it still hasn’t been done. This person is saying that they’re not sure how long they’re going to be going to see the specialist, & they’d rather not go for a few visits then have to stop. At this point, a few visits is better than nothing! That’s a few visits more than they’ve been to now!! Plus, that few visits could do wonders, & it could open the door to something better. Who knows what might happen? For your sanity, wouldn’t you go? I know I would…

I can’t even begin to explain what is going on with this person. I know I only see this person’s actions, & attitude from the outside-I have no idea what is going on in this person’s head, or what is making them act the way they do or do some of the things they do. This person is paranoid (to the point of them thinking that people are going to call the authorities on them because they could be perceived as driving too fast down the road, when they’re only doing the speed limit, or them thinking that they ran into or over a person or animal when they went all the way over to the other side of a 1 lane road to avoid said person or animal…things like that), then this person has small fits if you will of rage (where they’re working, & all of a sudden, they’re angry, you ask them whats wrong-nothings wrong, you tell them to calm down, they have a sharp comeback saying that so & so was doing this, & basically acting like they HAD to get angry with the person…), then, god forbid somebody behind them makes a right turn & starts going the same way we go (for all we know, they could have to go in the same general direction as us, but they’re not following us.) or god forbid somebody has a weird look on their face as we’re passing by them or something…then they’ll get paranoid thinking they did something wrong to piss off that person making the weird face, when in all reality, maybe you just looked at them at an awkward moment & that’s the face they were making. There’s so many things that could easily be explained away that this person gets paranoid & gets their undies in a knot over, or this person will go 5 blocks out of their way just to make sure the person behind them isn’t following them, or make sure that they don’t find out where this person lives. I get being cautious, I am very cautious myself. But, the way this person acts makes me look VERY lax.

It is VERY taxing both working & being around this person constantly. I hate to say that, because I wouldn’t want this person NOT to be in my life, BUT like I said, it is very hard & taxing to always be around this person. I don’t know what I can do about this person. I can’t just call & make an appointment at a specialists office for them, I am not a specialist myself so I can help them there. I consider myself to be a very even tempered & easy person, it takes a lot for me to snap, BUT, I feel like my demeanor is different around this person, like all that easy, even tempered-ness just flies out the window with this person around. I get snappy, I’m grumpy all the time, & I really don’t like it. I know it is because I am a sensitive person, & I can FEEL other peoples vibes & moods & attitudes. And this person’s attitude & moods are always grumpy & angry. I hate being & feeling like that, especially all the time! I am more the type to be happy, joking, laughing, & just in a happy & jolly mood, I’m almost never a Debbie Downer…around other people anyways. But, now I feel like I am always in that kind of a mood, & it has nothing to do with me, or anything to do with my life necessarily, it’s just this other person’s vibes that get me that way, THEN it’s like I’ve been pulled to their bad mood.

I am so tired of everyone else being in a bad mood, I feel like I am in a bad mood enough on my own that I don’t need their bad moods as well!!! BUT, it is very hard to avoid this person, AND then to not work with them as well? Yeah, good luck with that. And, it’s not that this person is a bad person or anything like that, they just have issues that need to get worked through-& that is just the problem! Those issues are not getting worked through because they are not getting the help they need & deserve! I know I would LOVE to see this person happy, & I am sure THEY, themselves, would love to be happy & not have to worry about every little thing, but I just feel like they are a lost little kitten, & are in need of some guidance. Let’s hope we can work through this…

As Close to a Come to Jesus Moment As I’ll Ever Come…

28 Aug

So, this morning, me & a family member had a good talk…that is, a good, uninterrupted, grown up talk. AND, a real shocker here, they said the same thing that I’ve been saying for a while. We were talking about weight & wanting to loose weight, & they said that it may not have been completely our fault that we are this way. I will be the first to say that it is partly my fault, but when you are 4 years old, & a person of authority in your life is constantly telling you to eat eat eat. No matter what you say, (you can say no, and/or I am not hungry as many times as you want!), it makes no difference. Even if you say I’m not hungry, they’ll say ‘well, I made this, you can’t waste food!’ Yes, god forbid you put it in a bowl, cover it & save it for tomorrow… Or they’ll say they made it for me….ok, well, save it for tomorrow. After I got off of school, they had almost a whole meal made FOR me, than I was expected to go home & have dinner at home…Then, at home, there’s a big dinner as well…It’s a no win situation. So, like we agreed upon, it was not completely our fault.

It felt good to have an honest conversation that toes did not get stepped on. Neither of us were rude or uncivil or belittling. With other people in my family, I feel like I can’t talk to them about a majority of things because this person gets VERY protective & defensive, & combative, & doesn’t always stop to think of a way to say something to not come off as offensive, or think of the tone they are saying that in so as to not offend the person they are talking to, then acts like they’re all innocent & can’t figure out for the life of them why the person got offended. Yes, it was the truth, BUT the way they delivered it wasn’t in the greatest fashion. Take me for example. I am overweight, I need to loose weight, I know I need to loose weight. Said person would turn to me, & harshly tell me ‘You need to loose weight.’ Well, THANK you for clarifying that! And telling me something I don’t already know! BUT, I am not the only person in the family who is overweight & who needs to loose weight. God forbid you say that back to this person! That’ll start an argument right quick. Instead of saying that we all need to loose weight in a more caring way, they decide to try to offend me & make me act all offensive. Then, go from that to someone else I live with who will talk your ear off, as well as every other body part you can think of. Then, from this person, you will get the spiel of a lifetime. You’ll get the ‘We all need to loose weight, I am not talking to only you, I know I have to too. We all need to go out for a walk, even if it’s only down the street & back, as long as we get out & walk.’ THEN, everything falls flat. Not only are we not eating better, but we’re also not going walking…well, at least not that person! I am here & there, but at least its something! The last time me & 1 other person went for a small walk, this person was supposed to go with us, made it about 1/4 of the way, then turned & went back…but if I were to do that, I would NEVER hear the end of it! How come I didn’t walk? That’s why I am so overweight, because I don’t exercise, blah blah blah. But, anyone else does that? not a word! Then, when the other person asks us to go on a walk with them, person #2 (the yapper) looks at me, smacks me on the arm, & says go ahead….UHHH…you can go too! You’re the one who’s always saying we need to get out & exercise, eat better & all that…but then, you don’t go for a walk, don’t make any move to get better food, make better choices…& then, they are THE FIRST 1 to nominate YOU  to go for a walk every darn time! Even if you’re sick, or have a bad stomach ache & have to stay near the bathroom. THEN, you call them out on it, then oh it’s hilarious, they were just making a joke…ha ha ha! SOOOO hilarious!

And then, there is the aunt! I don’t know what is with her lately, but it is really annoying! Yesterday, she was pissed off over EVERY single thing that crossed her path! God forbid there are dishes in the sink, the dishwasher is broken, then there isn’t enough silverware for her liking, or she’s pissed because there isn’t a towel in the kitchen, or the towel in the bathroom is on the wrong hook (according to her-but it isn’t her house!), or the garbage can is JUST about full, & noone took it out…Well, hello idiot!! FIX IT! Clean the dishes yourself! Fix the goddamn dishwasher your damn self! Then, a talk amongst grownups (with her assumed to be a grown up) turned to sex…oh my goodness! She came into the house, completely grossed out because they were talking about sex…She was seriously acting like a 12-year-old little girl about sex…or any topic NEAR sex (tampons is another subject) & she turns into a naive pre-teen. It just baffles me that, despite the fact that she is almost in her mid 60’s, she is still a virgin, never had a boyfriend, (only been on a couple of dates), never pleasured herself, & probably has only been chicken peck kissed maybe once or twice. Oh, but you talk to her & she knows all this stuff…yeah, just start talking about sex stuff, & she can & will prove herself wrong! I just do not get how, in her situation (being a naive virgin, has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never pleasured herself), she hasn’t done any of that stuff. She’s only been on a few dates. A friend of hers invited her to a pleasure party-completely surprised me when she told me, as I knew what it was-& I asked her if she was going? She said yes, it sounded fun…I swear, I looked at her & laughed. My dad did as well. Even HE knew what it was!!! She asked us what we were laughing about, I asked her back if she was planning about buying anything. She gave me a clueless look, & asked what she would buy. I asked her why she would go to a party like that when she can even talk about sex…She gaped at me, & asked what a pleasure party had to do with sex…I looked at her & asked her flat out if she knew what a pleasure party was, then we had to explain it to her…She also swears up & down that she used tampons before & that they didn’t work on her…come to find out that she just took the tampon & applicator out of the package, put it in like that & didn’t eject the tampon out of the applicator…so they kept slipping out of her…well, DUH!!! For your information, I am rolling my eyes over here & shaking my head. Her stupidity & naivette seem to know no bounds…

Anyway, this was going to be a shorter post, but I guess I got carried away…again…Hope you all have a great night!

What Did I Do Wrong This Time…?

15 Aug

In sets the deep depression & isolation. I don’t even know why, but I just had that nagging feeling that while I was out of the room, my sisters were talking about me. I’d love to say that they are my sisters & they would never, but this is me we are talking about. I get the very distinct feeling that noone in my family likes me, that they just put up with me so as to not make waves or because they are related to me, so they HAVE to put up with me. As I have stated before, a few people on 1 side of the family DEFINITELY do not like me & they make their feelings known…at least to me. They’ve  made it abundantly clear that they do not want me around, so I wonder what they say about me behind my back, both to each other (as they all live together) as well as to the rest of the family. I just feel like I would be better off just leaving, & starting new someplace else as somebody new, have a new identity, become a new person. I am sure I would succumb to the same insecurities that I have now, but who knows? I may not.

I feel like everyone else is all buddy-buddy, they do things together, they have each other’s cell phone #’s,  they worry about whether my sisters are there, & if they’re not, then when WILL they be there? And if they’re not coming than why not? They are so very unhappy if my sisters don’t show up, but they pretty much ignore me. Like thank you very much, I showed up, I came! I am here! And they all but act like I am not there…so why do I show up? Why should I be there? Noone even notices that I am there, they all walk around me like I am a coffee table, like I’m just a piece of furniture-I’m there but they move around me like I am an inanimate object. So why bother? It’s not like they will notice that I am not there…So, why go through all of the trouble? Why go through the time to get myself ready, pick out an outfit that they won’t gawk out TOO much, make sure my makeup is put on 100% perfectly, make sure my hair is done up & not a hair is out of place? Why do I keep putting myself through this? I honestly do not have an answer for that. I like most of my family (except above stated members that do not like me & have not been nice to me), & I HOPE they like me in return, but I am just not sure. I kind of want to know what they REALLY think of me, but then I kind of don’t. I would like to know where I stand with them, what is going through their minds as they see me, what they really think of me when I am truly being me (because the looks the above mentioned members give me when I say something, & sometimes 1 of my sisters as well, is a look 1 would give a lepper who walked up to the queen of England & joined the conversation…I wish I was joking, but I am not.). That look is what I consider ‘THE’ look…& I seem to get that look a lot. Which only has me asking, yet again, why do I go? Why do I show up? Why do I keep putting myself through this? And that is why I say I get the distinct feeling that they don’t like me & wouldn’t notice if I was gone.

I feel like the only people who really would miss me are either gone (as in no longer among the living) or have dementia, or are too far away & I don’t get to see them much. I know when I was having all that trouble with my gall bladder, some of those people who are now too far away to come visit had come over for christmas, & had missed me then, as well as calling my mom & asking after me. It saddens me that I am left with family members who would rather not have me there, while the family members who really cared about me & made me feel important & wanted are either no longer with us, have dementia and or are too far away to come visit. I don’t know where I seem to have gone wrong. On 1 note, you’re told to be yourself & if someone doesn’t like you the way you are, then they weren’t meant to be in your life…well, what if this person is related to you? Then what? I am sure they MEANT friends & acquaintances, not family, but doesn’t that still apply? In a way, I guess it does, but it sure as heck doesn’t dull the pain any, if anything it makes it worse, because that is your family! That is your flesh & blood, & even THEY are rejecting you!

And there is no way out unless you leave permanently, just ex-communicate yourself from them. That is why I say I would really like to just up & disappear. Become somebody completely different, someplace else. I would miss quite a few things. I would definitely miss said family members who had dementia, & my nephews. That also has me thinking-I would miss them terribly, but would they remember me? And if they did, HOW would they remember me? Would they remember that I loved them will all of my heart? Or would I just be some ghost of a memory, like a shadow in the back of a few of their memories? And then when they ask about me, would my sister, the rest of my family, cover up my existence? Just act like I was a figment of their imagination? Or worse yet, say that I was this horrible person? That I was their crazy aunt who just left them? Would they ask where I was? Would they notice I was gone? Would they miss me? By far, the thought of leaving them & never being able to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives, hurts far worse than anything else. That right there has the power to have me in a fetal position & balling my eyes out like there is no tomorrow. The thought of not being a part of their lives, & them not remembering me hurts me so much I literally have to make myself think of something else before I have a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

I sometimes think of the mark we leave on others as well as the mark they leave on us. Like, I remember 1 of our old neighbors who was probably certifiably crazy. Or another neighbor that I always had a weird feeling about, who years later I found out was a perv, like I always suspected. Or a little old Italian man who rode his bicycle around everywhere in his younger days, & his wife who made the BEST homemade applesauce. Or the girl down the street who had no fear. Or the old man down the street who was always yelling at me & the neighborhood kids to go home to where we really lived, that we didn’t belong there on his block, that we didn’t live on that block. Or how about how you met certain people in your lives? Like the kid who lives across the street from you? Or the one down the block? How they were all about the same age as you, maybe they were being taken care of by their grandmother, & the 2 of you started a conversation across the street? And maybe they had a brother about the same age as well as 2 cousins who were also always over there? Or maybe you marched up to the neighbor & just introduced yourself? I am not sure if any of these stories are things anyone else would remember about me or anyone else, that is to say if they were really something that happened, or just some random thought of how somebody could have met anyone else. This could’ve happened to me, could’ve happened to any one of you reading this. I am not sure if anyone would remember anything about me, other than the obvious 1st thing you’d see upon looking at me, or if you already know me, the way that I act. I am not sure if anything would stick with you, good or bad, or just plain weird.

Time Flies…

16 May

And it seems to march on no matter what! I feel like I am always a downer-alway in a down, hard on myself mood, I seem to always be thinking that I am never where I imagined myself to be. I always thought I’d be skinny, beautiful, living on my own, married, possibly with children…then I look in the mirror, & reality is staring me in the face. Literally! The fact is, is that I am none of those. I am trying soooo hard to lose weight, but it never seems to come off quickly enough, or I think I am doing good, only to find out I’ve gained 5 pounds. NOT the results I was looking for…Then, just when I think things couldn’t get worse, I feel like everyone is hounding me about my weight, about what I eat, about what I do or don’t do. I feel like I am constantly being watched, every single little movement, every single breath, blink of an eye, & like I am being harshly judged…whether it be because I had a 2nd cup of coffee for the first time in probably 6 months at least, or because I FELT like having a little bit of mac & cheese for lunch. I feel like every single choice I make is being scrutinized, & I am  being told about every single wrong decision I make, & coming from someone else who is not in my position-Someone who already has their life together. They make is sound so easy, or like it shouldn’t even be an issue, like I shouldn’t be making a questionable decision here & there, like I shouldn’t do something for myself (god forbid I do something like go get a mani/pedi or something) once in a while. Everyone else around me has been doing things for themselves more over the last year than I have in almost the last 3 years. So, am I not entitled to do the same every once in a while? I seriously feel like the answer to that is no!

I have a gift certificate for a mani/pedi from my birthday like 3 years ago that I still haven’t gotten done because it seems like every time I make plans to do something, something ‘more important’ comes up, like I need to go to work because they’ve already made their plans & their plans are set in stone, BUT THEN, afterwards, they’re like ‘oh you need to take time for yourself, we’re going to not bother you all weekend,’ to which they do end up calling on me to work…. But if I were to do something like that to them, at the last possible second, they’d be like ‘nope sorry, can’t help!’ Oh but when it’s them, then it is my top priority, they already said yes, & they can’t back out now! *rolls eyes* Then, I feel like they use the guilt trip on me, knowing that it’ll make me suffer & bow in to what they want me to do, or kind of act like I’m the bad guy because I said no.

I also feel like other people get things given to them easily. For example, not having to do any chores, not having to help clean the house, or feed & take care of YOUR animal, never having to help make the meals etc. There are some people in my life that I look at, & wonder how they got this far in life! They know how to cook & clean, & yet they don’t help at all. One person in particular always seems to think that because they simply just cooked 1 part of the meal, that they have done everything! They don’t realize that cooking (JUST cooking, not preparing it or getting it ready for the table) just 1 part of the meal is not the same as cooking a full meal, & getting it to the table…There is all the prep work that goes into it (not to mention the deciding what to have, then getting it at the store as well…), the cooking, cutting, slicing, putting together of the rest of the meal, as well as setting the table, then, the putting away of the food afterwards, & the cleaning up afterwards that also has to be taken into account. But they don’t see that!

I think that is part of the problem. Some people just stand on their soap boxes & judge other people without asking questions, or without knowing their situation. I know mine changes on a daily basis. It is so easy to come from a different place & judge someone else without knowing what is going on in their daily life, without knowing what is going on inside their heads. I know in my head, it’s usually a sad, hard on myself place, then someone else telling me that I am making the wrong decision, or I should be doing things differently, only makes it worse in my head, because then it goes to that place where everything I do is wrong, & more times than not, I end up telling myself I should just up & leave, that I have nothing to stay here for. I can just leave & move to Tim-Buck-Two Alaska, & create a whole other life for myself, & have none of what I have here. But then I think of what I’d be leaving, & sadly enough, that is what keeps me here. I just can’t seem to stomach the thought of leaving my 2 little angels-what I truly consider to be my 2 reasons for living. The more I think about it, the more I want to be around for the next 50 years or longer just to see them grow up. I know I need to change a lot of things, & I am truly trying my hardest, I just hope it is good enough, & that I will be here that long…

Headache & a Half

22 Jan

I am not sure where to start today, I  just feel the need to get a lot off my chest today. I have a day ‘off’-& by off, with being unemployed, I mean not babysitting my twin nephews. On another note, my dad is home sick, which is almost like babysitting. I am so sick of this-being unemployed, not being able to GET a job because of my health issues, my health issues not moving along fast enough, owing money that I can’t pay back, getting calls about those bills multiple times a day…it’s like, yes, I know I owe them money, & I’d pay them if I had money period, but the fact is, is that I am unemployed, & basically unemployable right now.

Yeah, sure, I look fine, I feel fine right now, but I have gallstones, which could flare up at any moment, plus I am going in for surgery in exactly 1 week from today, do you know of anyone who would hire me in a state like that? I sure don’t! I have never been in management, but even I know that’d be pushing it with a job! I can just see it now, I get a job, then within the first few days, I get an attack & have to leave early…then get fired. On top of all that, my dad’s been harping on me to get a job. Like I said, I look normal, I feel fine, so what’s the problem? The problem is, is that I have gallstones, like I said. And, also, like I said, they could flare up any time. Believe me! I want to get a job too, just to get out of the house, & get away from the mundane! Yes, I love my nephews, & I don’t want to not see them, but I do need to get a job to make money to pay off my bills. I’m not big on running here, walking there, & that kind of stuff, & I have been moving around taking care of my nephews, but I just want to break free…feel like I’m helping out at home, maybe even move out soon…but I can’t because of these stupid gallstones! 

I can’t wait to have this done & over with! Plain & simple. I am tired of living in fear-fear of not knowing when I’m going to have my next attack, if I’m going to have to go the ER, if I’m going to be kept in the hospital, how many times I’m going to be stuck with a needle-just the thought of that is making me panic! Wondering if what I eat now, now matter how low fat it is, is going to cause another attack. Part of the ‘worst’ part is that my dad seems to be completely refusing to change anything & just plain being rude to me about it. It’s not like we are eating bad food, or that it tastes horrible, its just a matter of having more veggies, less beef, & more chicken & turkey & replacing beef with those, which I prefer anyway, as well as not so much bread. Oh my word! At those last few, my dad seems to be throwing a fit about it! God forbid he doesn’t get his huge steak & half a loaf of french bread all to himself. In his mind, I guess I’m supposed to do this all on my own, without a job or money to pay for my own food. A couple of times, he’s turned to me & told me I had to loose weight in a very rude tone of voice. Believe you me, I know I do-at my worst, about 6 months ago when this all started, I was at 338 pounds. I am not proud of that, & I am working on it, really I am. But, I also know that I have to as well! I don’t need him to tell me period, let alone to say it the way he did. This has been a problem for me for a while, it has gotten out of control, but now I am doing my best to fix it. I am tired of being told in that way that I have to lose weight, then he keeps eating the same way, because it’s not fair to my mom that she has to work all day, then come home, fix dinner for me, her & my sister then fix something completely different for my dad because he’s throwing a hissy fit about the food for us. Want to know what else isn’t fair? That, given the choice, he’d knowing fix something that I can’t or won’t  eat. He knows I HATE bell peppers, & dislike steak & he’d fix a steak with grilled bell peppers (so the whole house wreaks of bell peppers) just to spite me…It’s as if he thinks I am going this on purpose, & not because I have a medical condition! Oh but we can’t do anything like that to him!

Anyway, back on track. I’m not trying to blame everyone else for my problems, but to some extent, it’s not all my fault. When I was young, my grandma (my dad’s mom) seemed to always be stuffing me with food. No matter what I told her, no matter that I’d told her a hundred times before, she’d always tell me to eat, always be ready to fix me something! And, even if I was hungry, I’d eat my serving, get full, & she’d STILL tell me to go eat more.  Then, when I was with her, I couldn’t go anywhere unless it was with her or my grandpa or aunt. To her, the thought of my & my girlfriends having a slumber party was unacceptable & if it were left up to her, I wouldn’t have ever had any or gone to any. I spent most of my extra time over at her house because she basically forced it on my parents that I did (much to my mom’s disliking-but my dad would NEVER, & I mean NEVER, stand up to her), so 99% of my weekends were spent over there where I helped her, my grandpa & aunt clean their house. Most of that time, I just really wanted to be home, but according to her, HER house was my home. And people wonder why I’m such a quiet person & why I feel it’s so hard to be that outgoing type of person? Another thing about my grandma, she always told me to never talk to strangers & always seemed (to me at least) to be scared of anybody walking by. 

Going from an overprotective grandparent to the opposite on the other side of the family…oy vay!