Tag Archives: grandparents

Lack of Downtime…

9 Aug

Oy vay! What a week! It really wasn’t THAT bad, just a bunch of little things happening or going wrong that just kept that dark cloud above my head. It’s at times like this when I have to keep telling myself that I have survived. That can sure seem like a daunting task at just that.

Between a co-worker going on vacation for 5 days, to a big appliance taking a turn for the worse, to boys being boys, to another co-worker being very agitated, edgy, & impatient all the time-& with the other co-worker being on vacation, only made them all the more worse. Then, I feel like I put in an extra day today with all the stuff that was going on, on top of someone pretty much throwing a hissy fit over a simple small task that they apparently don’t do well…*rolls eyes* everyone else was busy, & they were throwing a hissy fit over them not wanting to do something! AND they are retirement age, not toddler aged-where you’d expect that kind of behavior.

I just feel like I am in a very melancholy mood. Suddenly (again I might add), people around me are going on a diet & exercise kick. I get it, I know I have to loose weight, & I am trying, honestly I am. But it is pretty darned hard when everyone else around me isn’t, & they don’t have the healthiest food stocked in the house, & I don’t make enough money to get my own food. But yet, they keep harping on me that we ‘all’ need to eat healthier, eat less, exercise…they SAY they are not only talking to only me or about only me, that they are including themselves as well. But, seriously, it comes off as they are doing just that…I feel attacked, like I have to defend myself at every turn, like I have to defend every little thing I do, right down to breathing air, & blinking my eyes, & swallowing my saliva. I feel like asking where were they when my grandma kept telling me to eat eat eat when I was 4 years old, when I kept telling her I was full. So much of my childhood was spent with my grandparents, which, don’t get me wrong, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, because there was a lot of love, but there was also a lot of them feeding me, & then I wasn’t allowed to go visit my friends houses when I was with them (if my friends wanted to play, they were always welcomed during the day to come to my grandparents house), & I most definitely could NOT spend the night at their houses-but it was ok for me to spend the night at my grandparents house. And, I couldn’t go anywhere without them, like me & a friend or group of friends couldn’t go for a walk around the block, or ride our bikes to a friends house for the afternoon, or go to the mall or to a store in town. I considered my childhood as fun, I didn’t have a bad time, but that being said, I didn’t have much freedom when I was with my grandparents. There were times where I was at home with my parents, & I loved this time, because I could ride my bike up & down my street with my friends, I was allowed to go play with my friends across the street, down the street, & a couple of blocks away-& I was even allowed to ride my bike alone to go to their house. I was allowed to have a sleep over (obviously on weekends), & allowed to go to sleepovers…I was basically allowed the freedom that my grandparents didn’t let me have. Within reason of course-I knew better than to just leave & not tell anyone where I was going (AND I knew better than to lie period, let alone lie about where I was going). I knew enough to be responsible, & I did have limits with my parents as well.

Another point, a bit off topic, but kind of on topic was that with my grandparents & my aunt, there was no privacy. We all knew when my aunt had her period, where she was going & when. She never drove out of town herself-if she had an appointment  out of town, or even an appointment in town, my grandparents would drive her. Everybody was all up in everybody else’s business, right down to when they were going to the bathroom. A real monkey wrench in their system was the fact that I wasn’t theirs & that my other grandma & other family members (& friends as well) would want to do things with me apart from that set of grandparents. It was like they couldn’t handle not having that complete control. Another monkey wrench? (just an FYI, this will be an overshare, so if you are in any way squeamish, or have don’t have a strong stomach, please continue down to the next paragraph) The fact that I used tampons. Oh my word! You’d think I committed the ultimate sin by using tampons! Oh that would get them in SUCH a tizzy! I honestly think a lot of what drove me to REALLY use them (other than the obvious reasons of the freedom from having to worry if you are leaking or staining through at any & every move) was the fact that it got them so worked up! I guess that was my rebellious streak.

Anyway, I guess I just really value my downtime, my time alone, where I can just veg out on my computer, or play a game, or watch a movie or tv show either on my computer or on my tv, or just read, or just plain ole do whatever I want to at the moment. Just a serene block of time for me to just chill & relax from the crazy hectic week…Anyway, here is to starting a new chapter in my life…

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Headache & a Half

22 Jan

I am not sure where to start today, I  just feel the need to get a lot off my chest today. I have a day ‘off’-& by off, with being unemployed, I mean not babysitting my twin nephews. On another note, my dad is home sick, which is almost like babysitting. I am so sick of this-being unemployed, not being able to GET a job because of my health issues, my health issues not moving along fast enough, owing money that I can’t pay back, getting calls about those bills multiple times a day…it’s like, yes, I know I owe them money, & I’d pay them if I had money period, but the fact is, is that I am unemployed, & basically unemployable right now.

Yeah, sure, I look fine, I feel fine right now, but I have gallstones, which could flare up at any moment, plus I am going in for surgery in exactly 1 week from today, do you know of anyone who would hire me in a state like that? I sure don’t! I have never been in management, but even I know that’d be pushing it with a job! I can just see it now, I get a job, then within the first few days, I get an attack & have to leave early…then get fired. On top of all that, my dad’s been harping on me to get a job. Like I said, I look normal, I feel fine, so what’s the problem? The problem is, is that I have gallstones, like I said. And, also, like I said, they could flare up any time. Believe me! I want to get a job too, just to get out of the house, & get away from the mundane! Yes, I love my nephews, & I don’t want to not see them, but I do need to get a job to make money to pay off my bills. I’m not big on running here, walking there, & that kind of stuff, & I have been moving around taking care of my nephews, but I just want to break free…feel like I’m helping out at home, maybe even move out soon…but I can’t because of these stupid gallstones! 

I can’t wait to have this done & over with! Plain & simple. I am tired of living in fear-fear of not knowing when I’m going to have my next attack, if I’m going to have to go the ER, if I’m going to be kept in the hospital, how many times I’m going to be stuck with a needle-just the thought of that is making me panic! Wondering if what I eat now, now matter how low fat it is, is going to cause another attack. Part of the ‘worst’ part is that my dad seems to be completely refusing to change anything & just plain being rude to me about it. It’s not like we are eating bad food, or that it tastes horrible, its just a matter of having more veggies, less beef, & more chicken & turkey & replacing beef with those, which I prefer anyway, as well as not so much bread. Oh my word! At those last few, my dad seems to be throwing a fit about it! God forbid he doesn’t get his huge steak & half a loaf of french bread all to himself. In his mind, I guess I’m supposed to do this all on my own, without a job or money to pay for my own food. A couple of times, he’s turned to me & told me I had to loose weight in a very rude tone of voice. Believe you me, I know I do-at my worst, about 6 months ago when this all started, I was at 338 pounds. I am not proud of that, & I am working on it, really I am. But, I also know that I have to as well! I don’t need him to tell me period, let alone to say it the way he did. This has been a problem for me for a while, it has gotten out of control, but now I am doing my best to fix it. I am tired of being told in that way that I have to lose weight, then he keeps eating the same way, because it’s not fair to my mom that she has to work all day, then come home, fix dinner for me, her & my sister then fix something completely different for my dad because he’s throwing a hissy fit about the food for us. Want to know what else isn’t fair? That, given the choice, he’d knowing fix something that I can’t or won’t  eat. He knows I HATE bell peppers, & dislike steak & he’d fix a steak with grilled bell peppers (so the whole house wreaks of bell peppers) just to spite me…It’s as if he thinks I am going this on purpose, & not because I have a medical condition! Oh but we can’t do anything like that to him!

Anyway, back on track. I’m not trying to blame everyone else for my problems, but to some extent, it’s not all my fault. When I was young, my grandma (my dad’s mom) seemed to always be stuffing me with food. No matter what I told her, no matter that I’d told her a hundred times before, she’d always tell me to eat, always be ready to fix me something! And, even if I was hungry, I’d eat my serving, get full, & she’d STILL tell me to go eat more.  Then, when I was with her, I couldn’t go anywhere unless it was with her or my grandpa or aunt. To her, the thought of my & my girlfriends having a slumber party was unacceptable & if it were left up to her, I wouldn’t have ever had any or gone to any. I spent most of my extra time over at her house because she basically forced it on my parents that I did (much to my mom’s disliking-but my dad would NEVER, & I mean NEVER, stand up to her), so 99% of my weekends were spent over there where I helped her, my grandpa & aunt clean their house. Most of that time, I just really wanted to be home, but according to her, HER house was my home. And people wonder why I’m such a quiet person & why I feel it’s so hard to be that outgoing type of person? Another thing about my grandma, she always told me to never talk to strangers & always seemed (to me at least) to be scared of anybody walking by. 

Going from an overprotective grandparent to the opposite on the other side of the family…oy vay!