Tag Archives: christmas

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

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It’s a Miracle They Even Know I Exist…

14 Jan

A lot has happened since my last post. First off, I’d like to get this off  my chest. My grandma, aunt & uncle  never cease to amaze me with how mean they are, but this time, it not only affected me, but everyone else too. For both Thanksgiving & Christmas, they seemed to be trying to get us (my parents, both my sisters, myself, my middle sisters boyfriend & the twins) to not come over, short of lying to us & saying they weren’t doing either. We ended up going over on Thanksgiving & Christmas Eve. They pretty much ignored me the whole time, which doesn’t surprise me because thats the way they’ve treated me my whole life-either that or when they DO talk to me, it’s to put me down, or talk about ‘Rachel, Rachel, Rachel’, my wonderful perfect cousin. (Don’t get me wrong, I love her, I am not mad at her, this is all aimed at them, since THEY are the one’s who are doing this, not her.) No matter WHAT I’ve done or achieved, they’ve NEVER ONCE congratulated me on it. They have never accepted me period. Usually, it is the oldest grandchild or niece/nephew who is the ‘beloved’ child, well, not in my case. With me, it’s more like I’m the bad seed, the embarrassment. Anyway, back onto the subject. On Christmas Day, around 230, my mom called to see when they were going to come over, & at that point, they said they ‘weren’t sure when they were going to be over.’ At that point, we should have seen it coming. She called back a little after 4, when noone had come over yet, & at that point, they then told her that they were not going to come over. Oh the nerve! They go around acting like they high class, & so classy & ritzy, (& treating me like I am a 3rd class citizen), but in reality, they are low class, no good, rude, mean & black hearted people! My mom had went through, bought all that food, prepared & cooked it, spruced up the house, was expecting them to come over, & they decide they don’t want to come over at the last minute? AND they weren’t even going to tell her? The ONLY reason we knew they weren’t going to come over was because my mom HAD to CALL THEM to see if they were going to come over, they couldn’t even call us?! If we so much as thought to do something like that to them, we’d be exiled out of the family! And, it wasn’t like any of them were sick, or had to travel out of town. It wouldn’t surprise me if they had something better come up or had a party at their house! My middle sister who ALWAYS & VEHEMENTLY defends them was even pissed off that they did that. She is, now, starting to see how they are. All I can say to that end of it, is finally! Like I’ve said, they’ve always treated me like this! I could tell you horror stories! 

Maybe that could/should be my next few entries…Just to get it off my chest. It seems like no matter how many times I tell the stories, or who I tell them too, it still hurts, makes me feel both bad & bad about myself. I’ve tried talking to my aunt about it, & she denies ever giving preferential treatment to my cousin (trust me, its very obvious), or to treating me the way they do. Even her own best friend said something to her defending me! (I must say, her best friend is awesome, & she has always like me & treated me better then my own aunt) 

I’d love to say I wish I wasn’t related to them (& I have on more than 1 occasion), I am also thankful that I am related to them because I don’t take the good part of my family (the rest of that side of the family, as well as the other side of the family) for granted. I know what it’s like to be looked at as the black sheep of the family. I can be in a room filled with my family, & feel like I am truly not there, lost, alone & unloved. I can be talking to them, & feel like I am stupid, uncool, & like I’m being judged by them all the time. It’s like being in high school all over again. It is like they are all still stuck in high school. I know my uncle did not have a good high school experience, maybe not a bad 1 perse`, but I do know that he was teased at lest a little bit. I don’t know about my aunt or my grandma, but something tells me that if they’re treating me like they are, & otherwise acting like they are/do, they must not have had a great 1 either. Now, it’s like they’re trying to relive their high school days, only their ‘classmates’ are their family members. Lately, I’d just rather not deal with them. All my life, they’ve NEVER been able to remember my birthday, or even my birth MONTH. I’d be happy if they’d even remember the month I was born in. But, you ask them when 1 of my other uncle’s birthday’s is, & they will tell you without even skipping a beat. Mind you, my uncle’s birthday is the day after mine (many years difference though). Yes, that’s a real ego booster there. They’re also gossip hounds, they LOVE getting all up into your business, yet also, don’t always like giving out their gossip…especially if it’s something they did wrong. So, I can guarantee you that they will not be sharing that Christmas day story with anyone else. Thankfully, they are not the only one’s involved, & my other 2 uncles will be hearing about it. Especially that uncle who’s birthday is the day after mine, since he is completely about family, & keeping the family together. He, unfortunately, couldn’t make it that day because he was out of state, which we knew about already, so that wasn’t an issue. 

Wow, so this update was really supposed to be about something else completely, but, as usual I guess, once I get started on them, everything else seems to get derailed. I can honestly say that I am constantly being hurt by them, it seems like when I think they can’t get or do anything worse, they surprise me & stoop lower than before. I guess the moral of this story is don’t let your guard down, that I shouldn’t be surprised by ANY thing they do or say (especially when it is involving me), & most of all, don’t trust them period.