Tag Archives: Annoying

SSDD

4 Feb

Same Shit…Different Day…

Same argument, different day…

As a best friend, you’re allowed to be brutally honest with them right? Maybe not ALL the time (like telling them they look like a hooker in a certain dress or something like that…maybe soften the honesty a bit so as to not hurt their feelings…) BUT, when they keep getting into the same fight with their spouse over the same thing that happened (if you could even call it that) like almost 7 years ago now…like, at what point do you say enough is enough?! When do you say I have had enough of this shit…LET IT GO! My brain is literally about to explode because of this…AGAIN! (I’m warning you now, things may be a bit jumbled because of this-you’ve had fair warning) This friend can’t seem to let it go. Ok, so, at bachelor/bachlorette party that the friends had for the future spouse, they went to a strip club (which my BFF did NOT want them to do…HELLO! It’s f-ing tradition!), & the future spouse gave a back rub to a half naked person…the (now) spouse did not (both at that time, nor at ANY time in their relationship-pre AND post wedding) have any kind of sexual relations with anyone else other than my BFF. The spouse is NOT that type of person. The spouse dotes on my BFF, when the first child was born, the spouse ran himself ragged doing everything my BFF needed/wanted done…it was CRAZY to watch them. I, personally, would not have done a lot of the stuff that the spouse did, were I in that position, not to mention that a lot of what the spouse did SHOULD have been stuff that my BFF should have been doing (involving pumping of milk, among other things) It is totally obvious that the spouse is in love with my BFF, but my BFF seems to be fixated on 2 things that the spouse has done. 1-being said back massage, & also relating to that, not telling my BFF for 4 years, & supposedly not even telling my BFF, that my BFF had to work it out on their own. And 2, the spouse watching porn, & according to my BFF, having an addiction to it-which I don’t think is the case. I get it, that they don’t want their young child/children to walk in on that sort of thing, BUT that being said, my BFF has said that he/she doesn’t need it often…well, males are different than females, AND in that, every male is different from 1 another, as is the same for females. Some of us just need it more than others, so if you’re not willing to put out as often as your significant other, either get them off another way, or let them do that themselves.

 

I know, I’ve only had 1 relationship, what do I know? What possible experience do I have that I could give my BFF? I’ve never been married. The best I could give my BFF is my outside view of the situation, & what I would do if I were in that situation. That being said, after all this time, after how many fights-all over the same 2 issues, when will it ever end?! At this point, it is beating the dead horses great grand child…It’s in the past, & not recent past either! It should be long dead & buried, but it seems to be coming back again & again. I just don’t get how & why this person keeps bringing this up, why this is still an issue. I get it, that the now spouse gave someone else a back rub right before they got married…BUT (!!!) that was all…It was a back rub to a stranger ONE time, they never saw each other afterward or since. Like I said, the spouse LOVES my BFF, it is totally obvious! I get it that the spouse never told my BFF, & (according to my BFF) my BFF worked it out on one’s own…I would be a little upset too….BUT (!!!) almost 7 years later, it would NOT still be this much of an issue! Yes, it’d be a blip on the radar of history, BUT it wouldn’t be something I’d go out of my way to make it another fight over! Same thing goes for the whole porn issue. If I didn’t feel like doing anything (either totally into it-no pun intended-, or helping out), then I’d just let my significant other take care of himself with the help of porn.

I love  my BFF, I really do, but some of the stuff that bothers said BFF really baffles me. It has me asking myself ‘Is that REALLY a problem? AND is it THAT big of a problem that you would be starting a fight over it?’ And, I also wonder how many fights over the same things is my BFF going to start before said BFF learns? This BFF is very head strong, & very bull headed. I would hate to see anything bad happen, like a separation or divorce. I honestly don’t think my BFF has any idea of all the things that the spouse does for both my BFF & their family. Unfortunately, when said BFF realizes (if at all) what a find the spouse is, it’ll be too late. To say I am shocked at the way life has turned out for this BFF is an understatement-I wouldn’t have thought that this BFF would have what they do at this point. Don’t get me wrong, said BFF is doing a good job, BUT I don’t think that, given the chance, that said BFF could do it all alone…I might be surprised though…who knows?

Neglecting One’s Job…

15 Jan

I try not to talk about my jobs, but this has been bothering me. 1 of the people I work with has not been doing a good job at our job. The job is not a hard job, our boss is very easy to work for, doesn’t ask for a lot, isn’t 1 of those hard-a** ball busters…just a very easy person to work for. But, I feel this co-worker is taking advantage of our boss. (Let me name them CW for short) We all are getting paid to be there for our boss, to help them when needed, & do what our boss wants us to do (cook meals, take them to the potty, run a quick errand now & again, keep the house clean-which isn’t normally hard to do). CW, however, is gone most of the days that they are getting paid to be there, working. I understand being gone on their days off, & not wanting to do anything work related…HOWEVER, sometimes, on days ‘off’, you sometimes have to do work related things, so a day ‘off’ isn’t really a day off all the time. I get ONE day off a week, I don’t have the luxury of having 2 days off, like most people, CW included. That being said, I still have things to do on my day off…I don’t want to, but if I don’t, they won’t get done, so I bite the bullet, & do it. Not CW, they say they’re off, & cant & don’t do anything work related. They wait until RIGHT before I am ready to leave to start their laundry, they put some of their laundry (that me or our other co-worker washes for our boss, not for CW!!) into the dirty laundry bin for our boss, which means that me or our other co-worker does some of CW’s laundry, & CW doesn’t chip in to pay for any of it, or put in for laundry soap or anything. CW is always complaining & in a bad mood about something…there is ALWAYS something! On the days that CW is SUPPOSED to be ‘at work’, if you will, they spend MOST of the day away from ‘work’. I get it, that it is tough to always be ‘at work’, & sometimes you need a break outside of work, BUT when you are getting paid to BE THERE, & you’re not…that just isn’t right. And, then, when CW IS at work, they are in a foul mood, & doesn’t do any cleaning what so ever, so our work space has gone downhill in the way of cleanliness. Our boss, unfortunately, can’t get up to do it, & tells us that it is not me & my other co-workers job to clean up after CW. If our boss was still up & around, it would be all of our jobs to share to clean up, but since the ‘mess’ is only from CW, it doesn’t fall under my co-workers or my job titles. We work for our boss, not CW. That being said, I don’t see how she can let our work space get to the point that it has gotten. CW knows what their days off are going to be (barring either me or my co-worker getting sick or hurt or whatever) in advance. They should plan ahead of time to do all the shopping (in town or out of town, or just shopping of any kind) on their day or days off. Maybe 1 day, plan to do all the shopping, then the other day off, do laundry, & cleaning up the work area or whatever needs to be done. There are so many different ways to do things, they can even do a little bit every day they ‘work’ so they just have to worry about doing things involving leaving the work area on their days off. The amount of work that needs to be done to keep our work area clean is very minimal-the work space isn’t big, it’s a very open space, so, all that really needs to be done on a regular basis is sweeping the floors, moping the areas that don’t have rugs (which is about half the floor area), vacuuming the areas with rugs, wiping down the counters, table & stove, keeping up on the dishes, dusting the other areas, & doing laundry (which me or my other co-worker usually do). As far as working goes, it’s very simple. Plus, taking care of our boss, like I said, isn’t hard. Our boss is very flexible. Our boss tells us when their hungry, what they want to eat, when they have to go to the bathroom, if anything needs to be done (shopping, going to the bank, refilling prescriptions, filling their prescription holder for the week…). There’s usually gaps of time in between these tasks where we are idle…BUT we are THERE, waiting, in case our boss happens to need us (like when they have to go potty or poop, things that aren’t part of a set schedule…you have to go when you get the urge).

That is another thing. CW gets really upset when our boss gets the urge. CW acts all bent out of shape, like it comes at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME for CW. As if our boss having to go potty at that exact moment was planned by our boss, knowing that CW was busy, & that it is SUCH an inconvenience to CW to take that MAYBE 10 minutes out of that moment to do CW’s job. That is what we are getting paid for. That is clearly stated in our job description. We get an updated job description every year, stating what we are expected to do for our boss…it is literally there in black & white. If CW has a problem with it, maybe they should seek other employment…that being said, they will NEVER find another job like this 1. CW will be in for a very rude awakening if & when they get another job. Not everyone is so easy going as our boss. I feel like CW has gotten comfortable, so CW doesn’t realize how much they have going for them. They have a roof over their head, food in the kitchen, clothes on their back, a steady paying job…not to mention some perks like having internet, cable, & a phone. In some countries, that would be considered living like royalty…& here CW is, complaining, in a bad mood, abusing the job (if you will)…& just plain acting ungrateful. Ok, so maybe CW has a couple of health issues, BUT, they’re still alive, & it’s not like these issues are really inhibiting CW’s life! It’s not like they had to have a cast on their arm, or really limiting their life physically. I know people who have it way worse & don’t complain period, let alone as much as CW. I get down on myself just like anyone else does, I have my bad days, my grumpy moments just like anyone else. BUT those don’t rule my life, like they seem to do with CW. I am by no means an optimist, BUT I am not a constant downer like CW is. From the moment they wake up in the morning, to when they go to bed at night, EVERYTHING is horrible, EVERYTHING is doom & gloom, & poor me…there is NOTHING good in CW’s world. Like I said, they have a roof over their head, food to eat, clothes on their back, a paying job, & friends…as far as things go, how much better can things get?!

All this negativity seems to be hard to get away from. I feel like I am ALWAYS surrounded by a black bubble of negativity all the time. It gets very tiring, & very taxing. I always feel tired, drained, depleted. I have been holing myself up, taking time for myself, away from all the negative vibes, which has helped some. Anyway, That seems to be all for now…

MERRY Christmas…

23 Dec

Is it really almost Christmas?! I guess I’m still a little shell shocked from the topic of my last post. I’ve also been noticing a lot of couples around…some of them have 1 person that is ‘overweight’ if you will. It only makes me that much more depressed. I see them with someone else, not just a friend, but a boyfriend or girlfriend, & I think to myself, they’ve found someone to love them, how come I can’t? Here I am, single, lonely, WISHING with all that I am worth to find someone to share my life, my self, my love, my time with! And, I feel like no matter what I do, I can never win. I am still going to be too big to love. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with ME? It must be me, if someone else who’s overweight can find someone to love them, then my problem must be me. I guess I should be reserved to the fact that I am going to die alone, & even then, there’s no promise anyone will even notice if & when I do. Then, someone asks me how I’m doing, & I kind of almost start to say something, then I get hesitant to tell them anything, & shut myself up like a clam. I just want to make a difference to someone, to be special to someone. I feel like a loner in my own family. I feel like they don’t really see me, don’t take me seriously, almost like I’m the butt of some joke that only they have been let in on. I honestly feel like if I were to just be gone 1 day, none of them would notice. If I just up & left & never came back, I’d get asked about once, then promptly forgotten & never mentioned again. I’m in a very lonely place right now, around the holidays, feeling like if I didn’t show up, it wouldn’t matter. A family member lives out of state, when they don’t show up, everyone says how different it is without them. Another member who lives in town doesn’t show up & it’s the same thing, they miss this family member, it just isn’t the same. If I didn’t show up, I KNOW they wouldn’t say that about me, they’d probably throw a bigger party because I wasn’t there. This is a horrible feeling-feeling like you mean literally NOTHING to your own family. I was taught, growing up, that no matter what, family was always #1, that they’d ALWAYS be there for you, that they’d ALWAYS love you & accept you for who you were, that you could ALWAYS count on them. I guess that meant everyone else, except me. I am the exception to the rule. I belong to noone, to no family.

I see everyone else, happy, chatting in their clique, & how included they are by everyone in the group. I don’t feel that with me. I feel like every time I walk up, the whole mood changes. I can be out with friends, or family, or whoever, & they’re like ‘oh I have to check in with so & so’…While if I were to text or call someone with they’re with another friend or group, I’ll be ignored until it is convenient to them. I am clearly never a priority to anyone. I am not regarded as significant enough to be in that kind of relationship. I don’t rate that high. I want so much to be that KIND of person to someone, to a group, not necessarily the middle of their universe, BUT someone special enough that they’d include me. I just want to be normal. I feel like I am in a constant hamster wheel that is stuck in high school. I am still (& always will be) the fat kid that everyone always makes fun of, that will NEVER be in the popular group. I feel like a pariah, a leper, & that this stigma will never go away.

Then, my mom has been getting on me about loosing weight, & why haven’t I weighed myself lately,

& what have I been doing to diet & loose weight? Then, she goes into that annoying advise mode…& it’s NEVER a short conversation with her, she always makes it this long drawn out speech…someone shoot me now. I know that she cares, & that is where she’s coming from (or at least, I HOPE that’s where she’s coming from), but most of the time, it just rubs me the wrong way & annoys me…& quite frankly, makes me want to go on an eating binge, just to spite her. Not to mention that 2 very close family members are sort of in a fight, which they’ve been underhandedly getting some of the rest of us involved in…which has only been stressing me out more, on top of the holidays…I’m surprised I haven’t lost all of the weight, & turned into Starvin’ Marvin. I’ve been super nervous about the holidays, then all this drama created by this fight, & them basically putting us in the middle by asking ‘have you talked to so-&-so lately?’ & ‘what did they say?’ & so on…If it’s bothering you so much &/or you want to know so badly, call them up your damn self! God forbid I say anything like that to them…then they turn all meek, & say ‘oh I was just wondering’…yeah, well, quit going through me, & go directly to the source! I swear, I almost want to tell them that their Christmas present to me is to sit down with each other & work all their shit out.

How does anyone else deal with all this? I seem to always feel so overwhelmed, so alone all the time. I feel like nobody likes me, & that they just put up with me…for what reason, I haven’t a clue. What good could it possibly do them? I am the 1 who always says the wrong thing, does the wrong thing, makes an idiot out of myself. Maybe they get misery points or something for their trouble? Anyway, it’s late here, & I am all out of anything else to say that wouldn’t be repeating myself…

Bah Bah Black Sheep…

6 Oct

It’s funny how, with just 1 word or 1 statement, that you day can go from being overall good, to being crap, & how you feel ok then all of a sudden, your day is turned upside down, & then everything is literally crap & you feel so lowdown & no good. Some people may not realize how much power they have over you. So many times, it’s a very thin line that is crossed, most times without even knowing it has been crossed, then it’s like the punches keep coming-& that is literally how it feels. Like verbal punches assaulting you 1 right after another, where you barely have a chance to stand back up & get back on your feet & centered again before the next 1 comes. Today has been 1 of those days. It started before 8AM this morning. In barely a 12 hour period, I feel like I’ve been knocked down, & repeatedly punched while I’m still down.

Certain things were said today that made me feel like I am dirty, if you will. Like I have a disease & am contagious or radioactive or something, & should not be using the same spaces as non-sick people. I felt like someone was saying I am a leper & should be sent to an island of lepers, never to be seen again by my family or friends. I am already self conscious, I have no self confidence, no inner strength, zero positive self image. Today sure didn’t help. I already struggle with other family members, but this 1 member seems to know what to say & how to say it to make me feel dumb & inferior to everyone else, like I am dimwitted, & should be institutionalized. With this person, I feel like most of the time, they are talking down to me, like they think I am less than a normal human being. I am not sure if they even realize they are doing this, but I sure know how it makes me feel. It is NOT a good feeling at all. If it were someone I was not related to, or was really close to, I wouldn’t care almost at all, but the fact that it is someone so close to me makes it so much worse. If they think so little of me, how am I supposed to be around them? How am I supposed to hold my head up high, while they think so little of me? It is at times like this, where I feel so vehemently that I shouldn’t be here, like the world would be better off without me. I get to thinking, would anyone know I am gone? Would they notice if I just never was around anymore? Would they cry if I was gone? How would they remember me? Would they even remember me at all? 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 20 years down the line, would they look back & remember me? Would they remember how much I did for them? Would they remember how much I loved my family? Then, with the kids that I am around, what would they pass on to them about me? Would it be fun, happy stories, or would they just sweep me under the rug? Like I never existed? I have a good feeling about what I would want my legacy to be, what I pass on, what I am remembered for. I get the distinct impression that what I am TRYING to pass on is being overlooked & overshadowed by my imperfections, glitches & shortcomings. I feel like I can’t seem to get passed that, like my record precedes me & taints anything good about me before I even show up. I feel like I am meant to roam this earth alone…& I mean really alone…not just alone in the fact that I have no significant other. I feel like I am meant to leave everyone behind, & not get attached to anyone, have no family, come from nobody, because I am somehow like a leper or something-That there is just something about me that shouldn’t touch anyone else, or it will infect them as well. I feel as though I am the family black sheep. In a sea of beautiful, perfect, white sheep (with no imperfections, no tainting of any kind, they always say & do all the right things at all the right times…), I am the ill-formed black sheep with the coat of different lengths, the color isn’t quite right, its patchy, discolored in places, I don’t Bah like normal sheep… I feel like I make some head way, I think maybe, because they’re talking to me like a normal person, or they called me on my birthday, or they want to do something with me, only to get to an awkward position, & then it’s like you see in the movies where the ‘nerd’ goes from the bottom to the top, then the rug gets pulled out from underneath them. I can’t help but feel like I am the Lainey Boggs in my own warped, real life version of ‘She’s All That.’ I feel like no matter how far I’ve come, no matter how much weight I loose, no matter what, I can never completely escape that stigma. I will never be anything else, I’ll always be the butt of the joke, I’ll always be the leper, I’ll never really, truly be accepted.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to disappear-god knows everyone else would love that too. It is with a morbid curiosity that I’d love to bug everyone’s house-just to find out what they say about me when I’m there, when I’m not…what they say about me behind my back. I want to know so bad, but I just know that I’ll end up in a black hole of self loathing, self hate, & just general depression. I know there is no un-hearing what is said, no going back to ‘before I listened’.  I wish I could just start a new life somewhere else, just leave all this stigma I have behind. I know I’d miss a lot here-I’ve got 6 nieces & nephews that I’d be leaving behind that I would miss very dearly (just the thought of leaving them punches a hole in my heart, I don’t know that I’d be able to survive THAT). I wish I could leave all the ‘adult stuff’ behind, but still have some sort of secret contact with my nieces & nephews, & be able to watch them grow up, & have a relationship with them still. I love them all so much (most of them aren’t even blood related, but I have a special bond with them.), just the thought of being without them, of leaving them behind & never seeing, talking to, or having anything to do with them anymore is 1 of the worst sort of things I can think of. Just thinking about that has tears coming to my eyes, & an unquenchable sadness come over me. It literally feels unbearable. I feel so at odds with life right now. I am still overweight, I feel like I can’t loose it quick enough, which gets me depressed, which makes me eat more, then I bite the bullet, resolve myself to eat better, exercise, stay focused, then, everyone else has their issues that they bring to my table,  then there are job related issues (I’m working 3 jobs right now, 1 of which I am mostly not getting paid for), then there are the family related issues (1 being a person not chilling out-knowing I am busy most of the day, & expecting an answer back right away, & if they don’t get it, they get pissy & try to cause drama-like I need more?! I’m busy enough as it is). I just feel like there is always a storm brewing, always those dark, churning clouds around me. I feel like my life is a vicious circle. I feel like I get ahead 1 step, then get knocked back 3, move ahead 2, get knocked back 1, ahead 4, back 2…never quite *truly* getting ahead. Or getting ahead in 1 aspect, but behind by 2 in another.

I know I have been saying this for a while, but I truly feel like I need a vacation. My dream vacation, right now, is being on an island-at this point, I don’t really care if it has a lot of people or not, I would just like to be a fair distance away from my nearest neighbor, but not so far as to be secluded. I’d like to have internet, TV, movies, books, my laptop, a nice big, comfy, fluffy bed. Nice, cool weather, rain, maybe a nice little creek with running water nearby. A furnished kitchen, so that way, if I don’t want to go out, I don’t have to. That’s why I say I don’t want it to be secluded-I’d like to be far enough away so I feel like I am away from people, alone, but not so far away so if I want human interaction (away from my small town, & away from seeing people I would/could know), I am still close enough to have that. I feel I need some ‘Me’ time, time to reflect on life, what I want out of life, where I see myself in 1 year, in 2 years, in 5 years, time to just be me, do what I want, not have to be somewhere, not have to take care of someone else, not have to do anything else for anyone else but me. I would love to have limited access to the outside world, I’d like to still feel connected if I feel like it, but if I don’t feel like talking to someone (not SOMEone specific, just anyone in general), then I don’t have to. I wold love to live my life in my vacation time on my own terms, noone to tell me I SHOULD be doing this, I shouldn’t eat that, I should be working-making money, I need to do this, oh, don’t forget about this, or worrying about how I look, if I am wearing makeup, if I have a bra on, worried about someone stopping by & me not looking my best…I’d love to be in my own bubble for a while, taking care of myself. I feel I have earned it, with as many people as I have been taking care of lately, I feel it is time for me take care of me. I am worth it, right? *I* think I am.

Gotta Get This Off My Chest…

12 Sep

I know I complain a lot here, & it seems like I have a LOT of problems…trust me, I FEEL like I have a LOT of problems!!! I feel like I ALWAYS have something brewing inside of me…& not good stuff either! I feel like it’s getting to the point now where I feel like I have a black soul almost…I feel mean, hatred, mad, sad, upset, wanting to lash out ALL the time, I feel like this constant bad ‘mood’ if you will, is ALWAYS around me & inside me. I don’t like it at all. Since I found out about free blogging sites, I feel like I have an outlet. I can go here, vent about all my frustrations & whatnot, & it is as anonymous as I want it to be. I can write out everyone’s names if I so choose to, or I can say he or she or they or leave it up to you to decide. I feel like its the best of both worlds, I can vent, I can get it out of me, & move on & try to find some semblance of peace & happiness, AND like I just said, it’s anonymous. It’s not like I am venting to other family members or friends about things, then they start building up negative tabs against them. And then the fact that they know these people I’m venting about…

I have got the worst headache ever. I think it is because I’ve been under a lot of stress…stress dealing with certain people I am around quite a bit. Between a few of the things they have done, & continue to do, I feel like it has been building up & compressing inside me, I almost feel like a building volcano. I really do not want to blow up, I’d much rather diffuse this sucker WAY before that point, but I don’t see that happening any time soon. I don’t see any change coming about any time soon, which is sad, for all parties involved. I really would like a certain someone to get the help they need, mentally. BUT, like I said, I don’t see that happening. I just feel like, from what I have witnessed, that this person has a problem, they KNOW they have a problem, they SAY they want help, but they don’t do anything to get the help they need. They’re not being proactive about it, & they know the avenues to go down to get the help they need & (I feel) the deserve. If it were me, I’d be doing whatever it was to get myself to a healthier, happier place. That being said, yes, I am working on my weight, & my issues. I am a firm believer in practicing what you preach. This person has said to me that they wanted help, but they weren’t sure how long it would last, so why even start? I was appalled by this because why wouldn’t want to start somewhere? Why wouldn’t start to get back on the road to being happy? Give yourself a starting point, be honest-say I don’t long I can do this, so I want to get as much out of this as I can, & I want stuff that I can use after this ends to help me stay grounded & happier than if I didn’t do anything. I’d like to get tips on how to deal with certain situations etc., to take away with me for the future if I am not getting that help anymore. I’d want to walk away from getting the help I need for a short time with as much knowledge as I could possibly gather. I just don’t see how you could NOT want to get help at all because you don’t know how long you will be getting that assistance. The fact is, is that you CAN get it now, capitalize on that while you can!! I just don’t see how someone can choose to live like that, knowing that things could be different, could be so much better. It just baffles me…

Anyway, I have a few things that I need to do away from my computer, so it is time that I bid Adieu for the time being…

Other People’s Issues…

29 Aug

So, here I am again, complaining about things in my life. Only this time-I can’t do anything about it, it isn’t really about me-it has to do with me, but it isn’t me directly. I am so irked over someone I work with. We work together for around 10 hours a day, in a somewhat stressful situation, & what makes it MORE stressful is that this person is edgy, impatient & tense ALL the time. And, in our job, you don’t want to be that way, as it only causes more troubles. Well, add to that me working with this person for such big chunks of time, & then I am turning into a stressed out, tense person too, which I don’t want to be, & I try not to be, but it gets SO very hard when I am with this person all day, pretty much every day. I feel like there is no break from this mood. I really wish this person would get help. This person has been to their regular doctor, who has given them a referral to go see a specialist, but this person has not yet even called into the specialist, nor has the parental figure done that. Not like the person isn’t old enough to do that themselves, but either way, it still hasn’t been done. This person is saying that they’re not sure how long they’re going to be going to see the specialist, & they’d rather not go for a few visits then have to stop. At this point, a few visits is better than nothing! That’s a few visits more than they’ve been to now!! Plus, that few visits could do wonders, & it could open the door to something better. Who knows what might happen? For your sanity, wouldn’t you go? I know I would…

I can’t even begin to explain what is going on with this person. I know I only see this person’s actions, & attitude from the outside-I have no idea what is going on in this person’s head, or what is making them act the way they do or do some of the things they do. This person is paranoid (to the point of them thinking that people are going to call the authorities on them because they could be perceived as driving too fast down the road, when they’re only doing the speed limit, or them thinking that they ran into or over a person or animal when they went all the way over to the other side of a 1 lane road to avoid said person or animal…things like that), then this person has small fits if you will of rage (where they’re working, & all of a sudden, they’re angry, you ask them whats wrong-nothings wrong, you tell them to calm down, they have a sharp comeback saying that so & so was doing this, & basically acting like they HAD to get angry with the person…), then, god forbid somebody behind them makes a right turn & starts going the same way we go (for all we know, they could have to go in the same general direction as us, but they’re not following us.) or god forbid somebody has a weird look on their face as we’re passing by them or something…then they’ll get paranoid thinking they did something wrong to piss off that person making the weird face, when in all reality, maybe you just looked at them at an awkward moment & that’s the face they were making. There’s so many things that could easily be explained away that this person gets paranoid & gets their undies in a knot over, or this person will go 5 blocks out of their way just to make sure the person behind them isn’t following them, or make sure that they don’t find out where this person lives. I get being cautious, I am very cautious myself. But, the way this person acts makes me look VERY lax.

It is VERY taxing both working & being around this person constantly. I hate to say that, because I wouldn’t want this person NOT to be in my life, BUT like I said, it is very hard & taxing to always be around this person. I don’t know what I can do about this person. I can’t just call & make an appointment at a specialists office for them, I am not a specialist myself so I can help them there. I consider myself to be a very even tempered & easy person, it takes a lot for me to snap, BUT, I feel like my demeanor is different around this person, like all that easy, even tempered-ness just flies out the window with this person around. I get snappy, I’m grumpy all the time, & I really don’t like it. I know it is because I am a sensitive person, & I can FEEL other peoples vibes & moods & attitudes. And this person’s attitude & moods are always grumpy & angry. I hate being & feeling like that, especially all the time! I am more the type to be happy, joking, laughing, & just in a happy & jolly mood, I’m almost never a Debbie Downer…around other people anyways. But, now I feel like I am always in that kind of a mood, & it has nothing to do with me, or anything to do with my life necessarily, it’s just this other person’s vibes that get me that way, THEN it’s like I’ve been pulled to their bad mood.

I am so tired of everyone else being in a bad mood, I feel like I am in a bad mood enough on my own that I don’t need their bad moods as well!!! BUT, it is very hard to avoid this person, AND then to not work with them as well? Yeah, good luck with that. And, it’s not that this person is a bad person or anything like that, they just have issues that need to get worked through-& that is just the problem! Those issues are not getting worked through because they are not getting the help they need & deserve! I know I would LOVE to see this person happy, & I am sure THEY, themselves, would love to be happy & not have to worry about every little thing, but I just feel like they are a lost little kitten, & are in need of some guidance. Let’s hope we can work through this…

As Close to a Come to Jesus Moment As I’ll Ever Come…

28 Aug

So, this morning, me & a family member had a good talk…that is, a good, uninterrupted, grown up talk. AND, a real shocker here, they said the same thing that I’ve been saying for a while. We were talking about weight & wanting to loose weight, & they said that it may not have been completely our fault that we are this way. I will be the first to say that it is partly my fault, but when you are 4 years old, & a person of authority in your life is constantly telling you to eat eat eat. No matter what you say, (you can say no, and/or I am not hungry as many times as you want!), it makes no difference. Even if you say I’m not hungry, they’ll say ‘well, I made this, you can’t waste food!’ Yes, god forbid you put it in a bowl, cover it & save it for tomorrow… Or they’ll say they made it for me….ok, well, save it for tomorrow. After I got off of school, they had almost a whole meal made FOR me, than I was expected to go home & have dinner at home…Then, at home, there’s a big dinner as well…It’s a no win situation. So, like we agreed upon, it was not completely our fault.

It felt good to have an honest conversation that toes did not get stepped on. Neither of us were rude or uncivil or belittling. With other people in my family, I feel like I can’t talk to them about a majority of things because this person gets VERY protective & defensive, & combative, & doesn’t always stop to think of a way to say something to not come off as offensive, or think of the tone they are saying that in so as to not offend the person they are talking to, then acts like they’re all innocent & can’t figure out for the life of them why the person got offended. Yes, it was the truth, BUT the way they delivered it wasn’t in the greatest fashion. Take me for example. I am overweight, I need to loose weight, I know I need to loose weight. Said person would turn to me, & harshly tell me ‘You need to loose weight.’ Well, THANK you for clarifying that! And telling me something I don’t already know! BUT, I am not the only person in the family who is overweight & who needs to loose weight. God forbid you say that back to this person! That’ll start an argument right quick. Instead of saying that we all need to loose weight in a more caring way, they decide to try to offend me & make me act all offensive. Then, go from that to someone else I live with who will talk your ear off, as well as every other body part you can think of. Then, from this person, you will get the spiel of a lifetime. You’ll get the ‘We all need to loose weight, I am not talking to only you, I know I have to too. We all need to go out for a walk, even if it’s only down the street & back, as long as we get out & walk.’ THEN, everything falls flat. Not only are we not eating better, but we’re also not going walking…well, at least not that person! I am here & there, but at least its something! The last time me & 1 other person went for a small walk, this person was supposed to go with us, made it about 1/4 of the way, then turned & went back…but if I were to do that, I would NEVER hear the end of it! How come I didn’t walk? That’s why I am so overweight, because I don’t exercise, blah blah blah. But, anyone else does that? not a word! Then, when the other person asks us to go on a walk with them, person #2 (the yapper) looks at me, smacks me on the arm, & says go ahead….UHHH…you can go too! You’re the one who’s always saying we need to get out & exercise, eat better & all that…but then, you don’t go for a walk, don’t make any move to get better food, make better choices…& then, they are THE FIRST 1 to nominate YOU  to go for a walk every darn time! Even if you’re sick, or have a bad stomach ache & have to stay near the bathroom. THEN, you call them out on it, then oh it’s hilarious, they were just making a joke…ha ha ha! SOOOO hilarious!

And then, there is the aunt! I don’t know what is with her lately, but it is really annoying! Yesterday, she was pissed off over EVERY single thing that crossed her path! God forbid there are dishes in the sink, the dishwasher is broken, then there isn’t enough silverware for her liking, or she’s pissed because there isn’t a towel in the kitchen, or the towel in the bathroom is on the wrong hook (according to her-but it isn’t her house!), or the garbage can is JUST about full, & noone took it out…Well, hello idiot!! FIX IT! Clean the dishes yourself! Fix the goddamn dishwasher your damn self! Then, a talk amongst grownups (with her assumed to be a grown up) turned to sex…oh my goodness! She came into the house, completely grossed out because they were talking about sex…She was seriously acting like a 12-year-old little girl about sex…or any topic NEAR sex (tampons is another subject) & she turns into a naive pre-teen. It just baffles me that, despite the fact that she is almost in her mid 60’s, she is still a virgin, never had a boyfriend, (only been on a couple of dates), never pleasured herself, & probably has only been chicken peck kissed maybe once or twice. Oh, but you talk to her & she knows all this stuff…yeah, just start talking about sex stuff, & she can & will prove herself wrong! I just do not get how, in her situation (being a naive virgin, has never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never pleasured herself), she hasn’t done any of that stuff. She’s only been on a few dates. A friend of hers invited her to a pleasure party-completely surprised me when she told me, as I knew what it was-& I asked her if she was going? She said yes, it sounded fun…I swear, I looked at her & laughed. My dad did as well. Even HE knew what it was!!! She asked us what we were laughing about, I asked her back if she was planning about buying anything. She gave me a clueless look, & asked what she would buy. I asked her why she would go to a party like that when she can even talk about sex…She gaped at me, & asked what a pleasure party had to do with sex…I looked at her & asked her flat out if she knew what a pleasure party was, then we had to explain it to her…She also swears up & down that she used tampons before & that they didn’t work on her…come to find out that she just took the tampon & applicator out of the package, put it in like that & didn’t eject the tampon out of the applicator…so they kept slipping out of her…well, DUH!!! For your information, I am rolling my eyes over here & shaking my head. Her stupidity & naivette seem to know no bounds…

Anyway, this was going to be a shorter post, but I guess I got carried away…again…Hope you all have a great night!