The Walls Come Tumbling Down…

9 Mar

So…Basically, one of my worst fears has come to pass. That ‘friend with benefits’ of sorts pretty much gave me the axe. FWB says they still want to be friends, & like a glutton for punishment, I said ok. Apparently, FWB found someone, at least for the time being, that they want to be exclusive with, & guess what? It wasn’t me. I’m not sure why I said yes to still being friends. I feel like I know too much to be friend, & I don’t want to be considered a threat by this other person. I don’t want this other person to worry about me, & be paranoid that I may take FWB away from said other person. I’m not that type of person, but they don’t know that. I don’t want to say that I’m hurt, but I am. I feel like what did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Was I not doing things fast enough? What does this other person have that I don’t?


I feel like at any minute, I could just burst into tears. Right now, I’m questioning so many things. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong with the FWB? What have I ever done wrong to deserve all this? Why does noone like me? What do other women have that I don’t that seem to attract all the men? I mean, there are men out there that like bigger gals…what do they have that I don’t? What are they doing that I’m not? Am I so appalling, ugly…I don’t know…Am I SO unappealing that literally every single man out there wants nothing to do with me? What do people see when they look at me? I think I’m a nice person with a lot to offer. Why can’t someone really see me? Why can’t someone see past what I look like on the outside, see past all my awkwardness, & see the real me? Why can’t someone see who I really am, & actually like who I am? Actually want to be with me, love me, & accept me? What is SO wrong with me that, in all the people that I know, & that I’ve met, that I can’t seem to find a single person to be with? The only person was FWB, & that wasn’t anything exclusive, & now FWB has found someone else. I guess I’m not surprised that FWB found someone else & basically threw me aside. But it still hurts none the less. I have always felt inferior my whole life, sexually aside. Certain family members have always nailed it home that I was never good enough, but now that I’m all grown up, & still single, no love interests, I’ve only dated 1 person, & that person was not a nice person, then now, I kind of almost had FWB, & now that’s ended, & there’s noone else out there that likes me…I can’t help but feel like I am destined to always be alone & lonely, always wanting to have that special someone, yet never finding anyone. I will never find that happiness, I want it so much, but I can’t help but feel like noone will ever see me like that…It’s clearly obvious that I must be a leper or something-someone that noone can find appealing in any form.


There is so much more I want to say, but I feel like if I do, I’ll only be repeating myself in some form or another. SO, to spare you all from that, I’m going to call it quits for right now. I’d say wish me luck at finding someone, but that’s highly unlikely, since I seem to be unlucky in love…


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