So, It’s Here Again…

30 Nov

So, the depression is here again in full force. Do you ever feel like a failure? Or maybe you just don’t belong in your own family or friends circle? Or that every move you make, every thing you say is being scrutinized, & you are coming up lacking or worse, coming up as being ‘that’ family member or friend that is just so weird? You get ‘those’ looks from your fam &/or friends that clearly states that they think you are totally weird, & just wish you would excuse yourself. Then, there is the accompanying ‘oh yeah sure’, or ‘oh ok’s’ that you get, in that condescending way that they both look at you & talk to you. But, then, you try to appease them, & go to leave, then they’re all like ‘no, you don’t have to leave…where are you going? We want you to stay…’ Uh huh….that look you JUST gave me, & what you JUST said to me says you want me to leave even more than you want me to stay. In my world, I start getting that feeling like you’re being looked at by the whole room, or you walk into a room & it gets quiet…like you were just being talked about, & boom, there you are, so all conversations cease. Yeah, I didn’t notice that at all, & with that, I am gone! When I get that feeling, almost like I am unwelcome, or that they’d rather not have me there, I wonder what would happen if I just up & snuck out? Like I was there, then all of a sudden I was gone. I wonder IF anyone would notice? It is more probable that my disappearance would go unnoticed than if I asked how long it’d take for my absence to be noticed.

So often, I wonder how much of an impact I am making on people by being here? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few people I love beyond my insecurities that I am sticking around for. But, I wonder if I am doing them any good by being in their lives? Am I affecting them in a positive way? When I AM gone, will they look back with fond, happy memories?  Or will their memories of me be stained with embarrassment because I was the weird one? And I was the one that always said & did the weird things. I have never felt like I have been FULLY accepted by…anyone. I feel like my family puts up with me because they are my family, & that most of my friends are my friends because they feel sorry for me or something. I don’t have a significant other, that is another thing that seems to elude me. It makes me feel even MORE unlovable that I already feel. I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Like there’s those people that know exactly what to say at exactly the right time, know exactly what to do in any situation…I guess you could say they are well bred if you will, not necessarily that they are rich or high class or anything, they’re just those perfect types of person. Then, there are the country bumpkin types that were raised in a barn-leaving doors open, wearing all types of wrong clothes, saying the wrong things….I feel like that is me, but that I am even a loner in that group as well, like even THEY’VE shunned me too. It is at times like this that I wonder why I just don’t get in contact with one of those witness protection programs & talk to them about getting a new identity somewhere else. Just become someone completely new in a new town. Obviously, it wouldn’t be witness protection, but just a new start. In a series of fictional romance novels I am reading, this motorcycle club helps people out with that kind of stuff. Sometimes I sure wish I could find something like that. They’re set in an east coast state (fictionally obviously) where a friend of mine has family, SOOOO if it were real, that option would probably be out for me because they know me. Sometimes, I would just love to know that I have a happily ever after. That all this crap I am going through, have gone through, all the ups & downs in my life, everything, isn’t for nothing, that there is a purpose for me. I feel like I am always giving, & that there is nothing more for me, that nobody notices everything that I am doing & do….do. Do certain people REALLY realize that the services I give are free, that everything I have done for the last almost 6 years have been with love? The care I have given to 2 special little people in my life isn’t like any kind of care they’d receive from anyone else? I love those 2 little people, as well as a couple other little people, like they are my own-the love runs that deep! I would not be able to survive without any of them-just the thought is unbearable! I guess you might say they are my reason for living, for why I am still here, but sometimes I don’t feel like it is truly appreciated. I just want to feel special, to feel loved. I don’t always feel that from the people around me. That is where the whole disappearing thing comes up. I know I would be miserable without a few people in my life, but sometimes I feel like I’d be able to deal with it just to allow others to gain perspective-the perspective of life without me in it, without all the stuff that I do, just life without me in it at all. Then, thoughts wander back to the dark side-wondering if they’d miss me? Wondering if they’d think ‘oh good riddance’…wondering if they’d notice. I know they’d most likely get along just fine without me, but to JUST KNOW that they would miss me, that they’d know that I was gone, & that it’d cause a hole in their life without me being there.

I guess I’ll leave it there for right now, I feel a little bit better right now.

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