Damned If You do…

4 Jul

And damned if you don’t. It seems like no matter what I do or don’t do, I still get a good tongue lashing &/or criticized.

A friend of ours, who’s been a very longtime friend, has been acting off lately. One might attribute it to something recent that has happened, but this started BEFORE this recent item came up. This friend has been somewhat of an instigator on some things. For instance, when I am off of work (I have TWO jobs, I work SIX days a week, I don’t get much in the way of time off), I usually stay home, will be in my room watching movies & just generally doing nothing. Well, this friend has ‘mentioned’ that I never do anything to help-including paying any type of rent. Well, how does this friend know if I do or not? Then, someone I live with, pretty much told this friend I don’t…again, how do they know that I don’t? Just because I don’t give the money directly to them does NOT mean I don’t pay rent. Just because they don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. They ASSUME things without proving it a fact or not. They don’t ask questions. At one point, this friend told me I had to get a job…really? Because, at the time I was told this, I had THREE jobs!

I try to help somebody, I get in trouble. I don’t say anything, then I get yelled at for not saying anything. It seems that no matter what side of the fence I am on, I seem to be on the short end of the stick, it seems to be my fault either way. Have you ever had the feeling that you’re being pulled in a million different directions, like you have to be different personas around different people, or even with the same person-but at different times? I feel like I am literally the black sheep of the family, like I don’t fit in anywhere. I feel like every single person in my family is judging me, looking at me under a microscope, & that they don’t approve of me. I feel like every time I go to one of their parties, like I’m the freakshow on parade. So, why do I keep going? VERY good question. I don’t know. I am told not to let some people get to me, & chase me off from family functions, but then I get treated like 3rd class, or a freak. Then, I wonder, what if I weren’t there? What if I didn’t go? Would anyone notice? Would they even care? How long before they start chattering about me behind my back? So many questions, so little answers. Why me? Why was I cursed to have this life? I just want to be like everyone else…thin, pretty, eloquent. But, I am none of those things. I have a feeling I never will be, no matter what I do or how hard I try. I can’t help the looks of longing at the people in the world who have it all…the perfect wife or husband, kids, a good job, a nice house or apartment even…& here I am, still living at my parents, I have TWO jobs-working 6 days a week, & I can’t even afford to move out. I am not even good enough to have a significant other. I just want those things. I want to be thing & pretty, have someplace of my own, have someone that loves me for me, that thinks I am perfect, that thinks the sun rises & sets with me. That seems to be too much to ask for.

Anyway, I guess that is all for right now.


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