Here comes the rain again…

15 Mar

So it’s happening again…that feeling like I’m a big let down & embarrassment to my family. I’m overweight, I know it…I have to loose weight, I know it. I didn’t gain the weight in 1 day, I can’t possibly loose all or most of it in 1 day (though I wish I could). Someone I know went in for surgery today, & I tagged along. A comment was made about the dr coming in to see who else he could recruit to get the surgery done as well, to which the person I tagged along with did that pointing thing toward me trying to be sly. Gee thanks…I know what I am, I know I need to loose weight, but do you HAVE to keep rubbing it in? Do you HAVE to keep telling me that you know we all have to loose weight, not just me, that you’re not trying to keep picking on me? If you’re not trying to pick on me, why do you keep saying it like that to me?! Cuz it’s sure coming off like that…& frankly, I am tired of it. I am trying. I keep getting told that this person has already lost X amount of weight…that’s been over the last 5 years & they keep bringing that up! Keep throwing it in my face…like that’s going to help, like that will motivate me! It hasn’t worked yet, what makes you think that if you keep that same tactic that it will work? I’m SORRY that I’m such an embarrassment, I’m SORRY that I let it get this far! I’m SORRY that the weight doesn’t just drop off me period, let alone in a day! Short of doing something drastic, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t feel like I am ready to go in for liposuction, or the gastric sleeve or bypass, or anything like that. I feel like sometimes it’s too much to do on my own, but the other options (surgery) are at the opposite end of my dilemma. I feel like throwing my arms up & just walk away-walk away from everybody & everything I know, & start a new life as someone else in another town far far away. Just pack up everything that’s important to me & pick a place on a map & go there. I know I would deeply regret leaving-as that would leave behind my heart with 2 little twins that I love with all my heart & a best friend that I don’t know if I could live without. That seems to be one of the hardest parts of all this. I know what I have to do, but I feel like an isolated island. My family doesn’t get me-part of them would RATHER I disappear & never be heard from again (as I am a stain on the family name & legacy…). I feel like I can’t talk to anybody, can’t reach out & find a positive outlet anywhere-which is also part of the problem-it’s so easy for everyone else to preach at me, but they don’t take the time to actually listen to what they’re saying or see how I react to what they’re saying, they’re blindly preaching at me saying we all need to change, but then they don’t do anything about it.
I am so tired & frustrated with so many things right now…


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