What Did I Do Wrong This Time…?

15 Aug

In sets the deep depression & isolation. I don’t even know why, but I just had that nagging feeling that while I was out of the room, my sisters were talking about me. I’d love to say that they are my sisters & they would never, but this is me we are talking about. I get the very distinct feeling that noone in my family likes me, that they just put up with me so as to not make waves or because they are related to me, so they HAVE to put up with me. As I have stated before, a few people on 1 side of the family DEFINITELY do not like me & they make their feelings known…at least to me. They’ve  made it abundantly clear that they do not want me around, so I wonder what they say about me behind my back, both to each other (as they all live together) as well as to the rest of the family. I just feel like I would be better off just leaving, & starting new someplace else as somebody new, have a new identity, become a new person. I am sure I would succumb to the same insecurities that I have now, but who knows? I may not.

I feel like everyone else is all buddy-buddy, they do things together, they have each other’s cell phone #’s,  they worry about whether my sisters are there, & if they’re not, then when WILL they be there? And if they’re not coming than why not? They are so very unhappy if my sisters don’t show up, but they pretty much ignore me. Like thank you very much, I showed up, I came! I am here! And they all but act like I am not there…so why do I show up? Why should I be there? Noone even notices that I am there, they all walk around me like I am a coffee table, like I’m just a piece of furniture-I’m there but they move around me like I am an inanimate object. So why bother? It’s not like they will notice that I am not there…So, why go through all of the trouble? Why go through the time to get myself ready, pick out an outfit that they won’t gawk out TOO much, make sure my makeup is put on 100% perfectly, make sure my hair is done up & not a hair is out of place? Why do I keep putting myself through this? I honestly do not have an answer for that. I like most of my family (except above stated members that do not like me & have not been nice to me), & I HOPE they like me in return, but I am just not sure. I kind of want to know what they REALLY think of me, but then I kind of don’t. I would like to know where I stand with them, what is going through their minds as they see me, what they really think of me when I am truly being me (because the looks the above mentioned members give me when I say something, & sometimes 1 of my sisters as well, is a look 1 would give a lepper who walked up to the queen of England & joined the conversation…I wish I was joking, but I am not.). That look is what I consider ‘THE’ look…& I seem to get that look a lot. Which only has me asking, yet again, why do I go? Why do I show up? Why do I keep putting myself through this? And that is why I say I get the distinct feeling that they don’t like me & wouldn’t notice if I was gone.

I feel like the only people who really would miss me are either gone (as in no longer among the living) or have dementia, or are too far away & I don’t get to see them much. I know when I was having all that trouble with my gall bladder, some of those people who are now too far away to come visit had come over for christmas, & had missed me then, as well as calling my mom & asking after me. It saddens me that I am left with family members who would rather not have me there, while the family members who really cared about me & made me feel important & wanted are either no longer with us, have dementia and or are too far away to come visit. I don’t know where I seem to have gone wrong. On 1 note, you’re told to be yourself & if someone doesn’t like you the way you are, then they weren’t meant to be in your life…well, what if this person is related to you? Then what? I am sure they MEANT friends & acquaintances, not family, but doesn’t that still apply? In a way, I guess it does, but it sure as heck doesn’t dull the pain any, if anything it makes it worse, because that is your family! That is your flesh & blood, & even THEY are rejecting you!

And there is no way out unless you leave permanently, just ex-communicate yourself from them. That is why I say I would really like to just up & disappear. Become somebody completely different, someplace else. I would miss quite a few things. I would definitely miss said family members who had dementia, & my nephews. That also has me thinking-I would miss them terribly, but would they remember me? And if they did, HOW would they remember me? Would they remember that I loved them will all of my heart? Or would I just be some ghost of a memory, like a shadow in the back of a few of their memories? And then when they ask about me, would my sister, the rest of my family, cover up my existence? Just act like I was a figment of their imagination? Or worse yet, say that I was this horrible person? That I was their crazy aunt who just left them? Would they ask where I was? Would they notice I was gone? Would they miss me? By far, the thought of leaving them & never being able to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives, hurts far worse than anything else. That right there has the power to have me in a fetal position & balling my eyes out like there is no tomorrow. The thought of not being a part of their lives, & them not remembering me hurts me so much I literally have to make myself think of something else before I have a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

I sometimes think of the mark we leave on others as well as the mark they leave on us. Like, I remember 1 of our old neighbors who was probably certifiably crazy. Or another neighbor that I always had a weird feeling about, who years later I found out was a perv, like I always suspected. Or a little old Italian man who rode his bicycle around everywhere in his younger days, & his wife who made the BEST homemade applesauce. Or the girl down the street who had no fear. Or the old man down the street who was always yelling at me & the neighborhood kids to go home to where we really lived, that we didn’t belong there on his block, that we didn’t live on that block. Or how about how you met certain people in your lives? Like the kid who lives across the street from you? Or the one down the block? How they were all about the same age as you, maybe they were being taken care of by their grandmother, & the 2 of you started a conversation across the street? And maybe they had a brother about the same age as well as 2 cousins who were also always over there? Or maybe you marched up to the neighbor & just introduced yourself? I am not sure if any of these stories are things anyone else would remember about me or anyone else, that is to say if they were really something that happened, or just some random thought of how somebody could have met anyone else. This could’ve happened to me, could’ve happened to any one of you reading this. I am not sure if anyone would remember anything about me, other than the obvious 1st thing you’d see upon looking at me, or if you already know me, the way that I act. I am not sure if anything would stick with you, good or bad, or just plain weird.

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