Lack of Downtime…

9 Aug

Oy vay! What a week! It really wasn’t THAT bad, just a bunch of little things happening or going wrong that just kept that dark cloud above my head. It’s at times like this when I have to keep telling myself that I have survived. That can sure seem like a daunting task at just that.

Between a co-worker going on vacation for 5 days, to a big appliance taking a turn for the worse, to boys being boys, to another co-worker being very agitated, edgy, & impatient all the time-& with the other co-worker being on vacation, only made them all the more worse. Then, I feel like I put in an extra day today with all the stuff that was going on, on top of someone pretty much throwing a hissy fit over a simple small task that they apparently don’t do well…*rolls eyes* everyone else was busy, & they were throwing a hissy fit over them not wanting to do something! AND they are retirement age, not toddler aged-where you’d expect that kind of behavior.

I just feel like I am in a very melancholy mood. Suddenly (again I might add), people around me are going on a diet & exercise kick. I get it, I know I have to loose weight, & I am trying, honestly I am. But it is pretty darned hard when everyone else around me isn’t, & they don’t have the healthiest food stocked in the house, & I don’t make enough money to get my own food. But yet, they keep harping on me that we ‘all’ need to eat healthier, eat less, exercise…they SAY they are not only talking to only me or about only me, that they are including themselves as well. But, seriously, it comes off as they are doing just that…I feel attacked, like I have to defend myself at every turn, like I have to defend every little thing I do, right down to breathing air, & blinking my eyes, & swallowing my saliva. I feel like asking where were they when my grandma kept telling me to eat eat eat when I was 4 years old, when I kept telling her I was full. So much of my childhood was spent with my grandparents, which, don’t get me wrong, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, because there was a lot of love, but there was also a lot of them feeding me, & then I wasn’t allowed to go visit my friends houses when I was with them (if my friends wanted to play, they were always welcomed during the day to come to my grandparents house), & I most definitely could NOT spend the night at their houses-but it was ok for me to spend the night at my grandparents house. And, I couldn’t go anywhere without them, like me & a friend or group of friends couldn’t go for a walk around the block, or ride our bikes to a friends house for the afternoon, or go to the mall or to a store in town. I considered my childhood as fun, I didn’t have a bad time, but that being said, I didn’t have much freedom when I was with my grandparents. There were times where I was at home with my parents, & I loved this time, because I could ride my bike up & down my street with my friends, I was allowed to go play with my friends across the street, down the street, & a couple of blocks away-& I was even allowed to ride my bike alone to go to their house. I was allowed to have a sleep over (obviously on weekends), & allowed to go to sleepovers…I was basically allowed the freedom that my grandparents didn’t let me have. Within reason of course-I knew better than to just leave & not tell anyone where I was going (AND I knew better than to lie period, let alone lie about where I was going). I knew enough to be responsible, & I did have limits with my parents as well.

Another point, a bit off topic, but kind of on topic was that with my grandparents & my aunt, there was no privacy. We all knew when my aunt had her period, where she was going & when. She never drove out of town herself-if she had an appointment  out of town, or even an appointment in town, my grandparents would drive her. Everybody was all up in everybody else’s business, right down to when they were going to the bathroom. A real monkey wrench in their system was the fact that I wasn’t theirs & that my other grandma & other family members (& friends as well) would want to do things with me apart from that set of grandparents. It was like they couldn’t handle not having that complete control. Another monkey wrench? (just an FYI, this will be an overshare, so if you are in any way squeamish, or have don’t have a strong stomach, please continue down to the next paragraph) The fact that I used tampons. Oh my word! You’d think I committed the ultimate sin by using tampons! Oh that would get them in SUCH a tizzy! I honestly think a lot of what drove me to REALLY use them (other than the obvious reasons of the freedom from having to worry if you are leaking or staining through at any & every move) was the fact that it got them so worked up! I guess that was my rebellious streak.

Anyway, I guess I just really value my downtime, my time alone, where I can just veg out on my computer, or play a game, or watch a movie or tv show either on my computer or on my tv, or just read, or just plain ole do whatever I want to at the moment. Just a serene block of time for me to just chill & relax from the crazy hectic week…Anyway, here is to starting a new chapter in my life…


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