Time Flies…

16 May

And it seems to march on no matter what! I feel like I am always a downer-alway in a down, hard on myself mood, I seem to always be thinking that I am never where I imagined myself to be. I always thought I’d be skinny, beautiful, living on my own, married, possibly with children…then I look in the mirror, & reality is staring me in the face. Literally! The fact is, is that I am none of those. I am trying soooo hard to lose weight, but it never seems to come off quickly enough, or I think I am doing good, only to find out I’ve gained 5 pounds. NOT the results I was looking for…Then, just when I think things couldn’t get worse, I feel like everyone is hounding me about my weight, about what I eat, about what I do or don’t do. I feel like I am constantly being watched, every single little movement, every single breath, blink of an eye, & like I am being harshly judged…whether it be because I had a 2nd cup of coffee for the first time in probably 6 months at least, or because I FELT like having a little bit of mac & cheese for lunch. I feel like every single choice I make is being scrutinized, & I am  being told about every single wrong decision I make, & coming from someone else who is not in my position-Someone who already has their life together. They make is sound so easy, or like it shouldn’t even be an issue, like I shouldn’t be making a questionable decision here & there, like I shouldn’t do something for myself (god forbid I do something like go get a mani/pedi or something) once in a while. Everyone else around me has been doing things for themselves more over the last year than I have in almost the last 3 years. So, am I not entitled to do the same every once in a while? I seriously feel like the answer to that is no!

I have a gift certificate for a mani/pedi from my birthday like 3 years ago that I still haven’t gotten done because it seems like every time I make plans to do something, something ‘more important’ comes up, like I need to go to work because they’ve already made their plans & their plans are set in stone, BUT THEN, afterwards, they’re like ‘oh you need to take time for yourself, we’re going to not bother you all weekend,’ to which they do end up calling on me to work…. But if I were to do something like that to them, at the last possible second, they’d be like ‘nope sorry, can’t help!’ Oh but when it’s them, then it is my top priority, they already said yes, & they can’t back out now! *rolls eyes* Then, I feel like they use the guilt trip on me, knowing that it’ll make me suffer & bow in to what they want me to do, or kind of act like I’m the bad guy because I said no.

I also feel like other people get things given to them easily. For example, not having to do any chores, not having to help clean the house, or feed & take care of YOUR animal, never having to help make the meals etc. There are some people in my life that I look at, & wonder how they got this far in life! They know how to cook & clean, & yet they don’t help at all. One person in particular always seems to think that because they simply just cooked 1 part of the meal, that they have done everything! They don’t realize that cooking (JUST cooking, not preparing it or getting it ready for the table) just 1 part of the meal is not the same as cooking a full meal, & getting it to the table…There is all the prep work that goes into it (not to mention the deciding what to have, then getting it at the store as well…), the cooking, cutting, slicing, putting together of the rest of the meal, as well as setting the table, then, the putting away of the food afterwards, & the cleaning up afterwards that also has to be taken into account. But they don’t see that!

I think that is part of the problem. Some people just stand on their soap boxes & judge other people without asking questions, or without knowing their situation. I know mine changes on a daily basis. It is so easy to come from a different place & judge someone else without knowing what is going on in their daily life, without knowing what is going on inside their heads. I know in my head, it’s usually a sad, hard on myself place, then someone else telling me that I am making the wrong decision, or I should be doing things differently, only makes it worse in my head, because then it goes to that place where everything I do is wrong, & more times than not, I end up telling myself I should just up & leave, that I have nothing to stay here for. I can just leave & move to Tim-Buck-Two Alaska, & create a whole other life for myself, & have none of what I have here. But then I think of what I’d be leaving, & sadly enough, that is what keeps me here. I just can’t seem to stomach the thought of leaving my 2 little angels-what I truly consider to be my 2 reasons for living. The more I think about it, the more I want to be around for the next 50 years or longer just to see them grow up. I know I need to change a lot of things, & I am truly trying my hardest, I just hope it is good enough, & that I will be here that long…


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