Doing the right thing…?

27 Jan

At some point, you have to ask yourself if you’re doing the right thing? Then, what are you basing it on? Te right thing for you? The right thing for the greater good of the people around you? Then, how about those proverbial questions about god, like is there a god above? Is he listening to me? Why me? This is more than I can handle, am I being punished for something?

I have asked myself these questions many times since yesterday morning. I received a call yesterday morning from the doctor who is going to do my surgery. My immediate thought was it was to confirm my surgery date & time etc. I was soo wrong. It was the scheduler asking if I could reschedule the surgery. Apparently a cancer patient was transferred down there & the doctor had to do some kind of surgery for him/her on Tuesday morning. I immediately said yes, because I have a heart, & I have faith that someone else will go out on a limb for me like that. I didn’t want to be nosey, but I had many questions-she was calling me on a Friday morning, surely the doctor could have done the surgery sometime Friday, over the weekend or Monday, right? I mean, the scheduler made it sound like it was an emergency surgery. Then, to kind of piggy-back on that question, why me? Why not bump someone else?

I’m not trying to sound self absorbed, like I don’t have a heart or that I think I’m better than anyone else, BUT this has been going in for 7 months now. I know that sounds like nothing to a cancer patient or their family, but this isn’t JUST affecting me either! I don’t know when I’m going to have another episode. I live in constant fear that what I eat will give me another attack, sendings back to the ER, & possibly another hospital stay. I haven’t been able to get a job because of this, of which I am now in collections. I’ve been to the ER so many times in the last 7 months I’ve lost count. I’ve gotten high blood pressure from this. I’ve been told its serious, we have to do the surgery now, then it’s not so serious, then it’s serious, then not so much. Things have gotten worse, then better, then worse, then better. Like I said, I know this probably isn’t as bad as most cancer patients, but still, how many people have gone through something like this, & not felt a tad bit shuned? We had a date set. It was 4 flipping days away, within touching distance, I’d jumped through all the hoops, & where does that get me? An ‘I’m sorry, we have to postpone the surgery for almost 2 weeks’. After everything I’ve been through, haven’t I paid my dues? I live in constant fear that the next bite I’m putting in my mouth will cause me to have another attack & send me to the ER again. How is that not an emergency?!

I feel I did a good deed, but I feel like its a double edges sword-I helped someone else out, BUT I’m also hurting myself, because now, instead of having until Tuesday, I now have to wait almost another 2 weeks for this. I don’t feel like that’s right either. I’m tired of all this bad karma & juju that’s been going around, I’ve paid my dues to this illness, I’m ready to be done with it. I know it’s going to be painful afterwards, & I’m not looking forward to it, which is yet another reason why I just want to put it behind me ASAP! As Larry the Cable Guy would say, let’s ‘git r done!’


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